Hello Lesser Footy fans!
Welcome to the start of Match day 34 in the EPL.
We have 3 games on today’s menu and all are extremely important.
Match 1A: The Relegation Bowl (1PM EST)
This is a match between two teams that have a combined 1 tie and 9 losses over their last 10. The Canaries can prolong the inevitable by winning. This will be an arduous task because the Canaries have won six points on the road all season. Furthermore, the Canaries have scored one goal on the road since January 2020.
As for the Moosehornets, they have lost twice at their home stadium since December–and have beaten Manchester United, Wolves and the Dirty LiVARpoolians during that same time.
Why this game could be good:
This could be a good game because not only are both teams fighting to ensure they stay in the EPL (an automatic £50 million loss if they are relegated), but the players are also auditioning their talents to get signed by a team that doesn’t get relegated. (See: Cantwell, Pukki, Decoure, etc). Furthermore, the Canaries have matches against Chelsea, Burnley and Manchester City, so, if they want to avoid relegation, they must win this match.
Meanwhile the Moosehornets can have some breathing room by picking up the win. Watford too must win because it’s going to be tough to attain points in their next two matches against Man Shitty and the Arseholes.
Prediction: Moosehornets win an entertaining 2-1 match that is filled with a comedy of errors.
Match 1B: The fight for the Final 4 (1PM EST)
Chelski is one of four teams that are fighting for the final two spots to get an automatic Champion’s League berth. (I don’t trust or believe FIFA will stick to their guns with punishing Man Shitty). Meanwhile, Palace is surprisingly still in the hunt for a Europa league shot, albeit a faint one. Chelski have won 4 out of 5, while Palace have lost 3 out of their last 5.
Why this game could be good:
Despite being in poor form, this is a London Derby, so people shouldn’t count Palace out. Also, Chelski plays a pretty entertaining style of lesser footy. Moreover, the final 2 spots to enter in the Champion’s league are all that’s really left to play for (that truly matters). Chelski must win this match, or else they’ll find themselves possibly in 5th and possibly only 2 points up on 6th place Wolves. There could be lots of goals scored.
Prediction: As much as I want to believe this is the game Palace wakes up and Zaha has a great game, that ain’t happening. Chelski is going to win 3-1.
Match 3: The Fight for the Final 4 part 2: Electric Boogaloo (3:15PM EST)
It’s hard to believe that around Christmas time, Leicester was in second place and they still had a shot at catching the Scousers. Now, the Foxes look more vulnerable that a minor at an Epstein yacht party. So much so, out of all the teams that have a top 4 spot, most have picked Leicester to drop out of the top 4. Meanwhile, the Arseholes have looked pretty good since January 1st. Trust me, their fans will show you this:
The thing about the Arseholes is that while they may have a good record in 2020, they’ve looked beatable in matches they have won and gloriously shit the bed against Brighton.
Why this game could be good:
Both teams are desperate for the 3 points. A loss could see the Foxes only hold 4th due to goal differential and only 3 points back of 6th place. Meanwhile, the Arsholes can close the gap to a Europa shot, with an outside shot at still getting a Champ—I’m sorry, I can’t finish that with a straight face.
This is a YUGE game.
Prediction: As a United fan, it feels weird rooting for the Arseholes, again. As much as I want to believe what the Arsehole supporters (aka: The Shitstains) are selling, they’re probably going to choke because that’ll screw United over.
Foxes win 1-0.
Enjoy the games!
nice 3-2! heyyyy chelsea!
the dude Pulisic scored too!
sweet.
Found a funny:
[calls my mom 5 years after moving out] do i like skim milk
Soccer, on a Tuesday? God’s Day!?
Greetings from Ocean City, MD. I’m currently sitting in the dining room of our condo, on the twelfth floor, watching the waves, and waiting for the gigantic 38″ pizza from Captain’s to arrive. I’m half in the bag on gin, and enjoying the sea air.
Good for you.
You can hear some good Balmorese in Ayshun City, which has Appalachian roots which is not far from Pittsburgh.
So you left home and went danny ayshun? Of course you went to the Lanication. What’s on the other side of the Lanication? Why, that’s where Yerp is.
JAGOFF!
Automatic response every time a Yinzer hears a Ballmore accent. Don’t take it personally!
Meh
Are you quoting from a family member?
+8.
Great.
Of course we will with the MegaMush (aka Hippo) rooting for us…
I don’t think even Hippo can be blamed for the “flying-karate-kick-at-the-defender’s-knee” strategy that Nketiah employed to such devastating affect.
The Hippo works in mushterious ways …
As expected… we dun fukt..
I’d have been surprised, but when Hippo says that he’s rooting for your guys, you at least get some time to come to grips with the grief…
Goddamn Evertonians.
Nkt..Nek…Nk…Well, Notgonnabeseeinganymoretimeonthefieldaroundhere, anyway.
LET’S GET READY TO STAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL!!!!1
That’s my Gooners … I think I’m gonna go hug a bottle of Bushmills 😀
Yikes, new guy.
“This is why women shouldn’t be allowed to referee men’s sports” I say, while the replay clearly shows that she in fact nailed the call.
it seems that Arsenal’s early success may have been because the field slopes down towards the goal they’re currently defending.
Gonna be a 55 minute half with the sudden outbreak of head injuries.
Sooo when did this Arsenal side decide to play? I recall guffawing at David Luis making numerous dumbfuckeries and then getting a new contract?!?!?!
Probably around the time Arteta (and his awe-inspiring haircut) decided to go after the dead weight like Guendouzzi and show that the times, they are-a-changing
No kidding. I’m really confused, because these guys don’t look like they just met in the parking lot 20 minutes before the game and decided to take the field.
Well, I guess that’s what the second half is for.
Did that announcer really just criticize the technique on Lacazette’s diving header?
Seriously. Twas lovely.
Appears to be a spot of weather at the Emirates.
This is a right hiding
Could easily be 3-0
That is a phrase your dominatrix taught you.
way to lazy to google this, can someone enlighten me?
Supposed to be banned from Shempions League next season, financial fair play (FFP) violations. But they have appealed, based on UEFA giving PSG a slap on the wrist in similar circumstances.
Thanks for explaining and using language that I can understand.
Who the hell are these guys in the Arsenal kits, and where the hell were they against Brighton-Hove-Upon-The-Shire or whatever the fuck they are?
Right, since it appears that it’d be one of those arse-clenching Arsenal games, time to turn on some pleasant music and start building the Bush..
This “the Bush”
Valladolid misses an 87th minute sitter. Fuck all the fuck.
Sure, today my Hippo-to-English translator device decides to shit the bed.
Just do half a bottle of Everclear and you’ll be fiiiiiiiiiiiine.
Lower back muscle is barking today, so I am double the pillhead.
It can be worse – wifey’s lil’ sis is here for a week and she and wifey started the visit by raiding my liquour cabinet. I legit would trade yer pain for mine, because watching 18yo Courvosier or Macallan getting mixed with diet coke damn near killed me (though I had my revenge today by ordering refills from wifeys card 😀 )
You can always burn off some steam with your tanks!
And yes, alcohol abuse like that is a very sad thing.
Tanks are in the barn back in Sweden and we’re in Dublin now, so I can only vent with model kits for the moment… Or soaking in the semi-illegal pool I have
Dublin got their #NuAIDS situation under control, eh?
At least better control than you lot :p
Fair do, Hangry Oirish. Is the wife’s younger sister hot? If so, does she have low standards and a fondness for degenerates??
Uh, In case it’s not glaringly obvious, I was referring to having sports, pubs and bookies reopen.
As for wifey’s sis – well, tall, blue-eyed, blonde, Marine (for some unfathomable reason she parlayed her diploma from MIT into going into the infantry), fun as shit and is for some reason (together with wifey and her other sister) discouraged from going to Tijuana ever again 😀
Ah, and snuck me 4 boxes of Cuban cigars (who said Gitmo’s all bad!)
So she could kick my ass too? It’s LOVE already!!!
“18yo Courvosier or Macallan getting mixed with diet coke”
That is a goddamn war crime
The casualties are 18yo Macallan Fine Oak (full bottle), 3/4 Macallan 1994 “18yo” (that made me legit wanna cry), 1 full Courvosier VSOP and ~1/2 of a Hennessy XO.
Only thing that helps cushion the blow was the realization dawning on the two how much booze (in $ terms) they wasted… And that wifey made the mistake of agreeing to restock my “good shit” cabinet, without realizing until it was way too late why I keep it hidden in the den 😀
Edit: And not a single one of those was drunk the way you can actually distiguish it from a store-brand 10$ bottle (aka neat and with a good cigar)
Any way for you to have a cheaper mixer stash for that shit? That is a war crime.
I have, but wifey decided to get something “special” (the normal stuff is still like Black Bush, 12yo Jameson and Tullamore, basically good shit up to 50$ a bottle) . Honestly, if I had taken a quick video of them mixing diet goddamn coke into that booze, I bet that I’d have gotten a free bottle from the distillers, together with a comfort blanket and a list of facilities to re-educate the terrible two on how to drink booze properly 😀
In the wine world, they call those “cellar defenders.” Keeps the rubes away from your good stuff.
He drank his stuff that doesn’t list amphetamines as an active ingredient.
I will be actively rooting for Arse today, so apologies in advance to DFO’s Gooner contingent.
NO! PUT YOUR BLOOD MONEY ON Vardy’s band of cunts damn it!
I didn’t bet, I just hate Brendan Rodgers. And National Front Vardy.
There is still time! Even a fiver should be enough!
Frank Lampard is a Lucky Tory Cunt today.
One might be in need of Valladolid y Domzale finishing their comebacks draws shall nae suffice, fuckadoos
Everton, outside the European places even in that Silva-free table. Fucking fuck, lads.
I would also posit that 2020 Mourinho is MOAR anti-football than Uncle Woy and Dyche combined.
/imagine them two making sweet love. While The Special One watches and jerks it.
In lieu of ‘olla, lemme greet you all with the unofficial anthem of the Arsenal season (and apparently 2020)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oObL3Ajmr2Y
What’s that at the door?
It’s hope for teh mighty London Jaguras for auto promotion.
/It should really go away as I know what happens in the end.
Y’all beat the Robins Hood!!!
We sure did. 3-0 without Mitro. Clean sheets everywhere!
Nice goal by Poolissitch.
Better one by Zaha!
(He sang “Ztake Zon Zme” in the 80s)
Also, since you used the Sexy Saturday tag and to make rockindog happy:
Yowza. I’m sure she turns some heads at white supremacists rallies in London.
Holy filter Batman
The “David Luiz sucks” tag is sublime. It needs to be used more often and on non-soccer posts just to remind folks of this fundamental truth.
Definitely agree! He’s the healthy, Brazilian version of Sir Phil The Thrill Jones.
DeSean is on instagram apologizing for posting an antisemitic quote that was falsely attributed to Hitler in a book by a Black Hebrew Israelite and said he didn’t mean to insult anybody with it and has just said “Hitler was a bad person and I know that” and my brain may actually be bleeding at this point
Apparently, he spent the holiday weekend gorging on Louis Farrakhan videos. So that’s a fucking yikes.
He was teammates with Riley Cooper, right?
PHILLY: CATCH THE BALL AND RACISM!
Can trace that slogan back to its days as the capital
Oh boy! Reading that just gave me a headache
LOL