- That’s My (Las Vegas) Raiders! Guardians and Gladiators - November 30, 2020
- Request Line: Celebration Rock - November 7, 2020
- The Dak Prescott School of Maturity: Introduction to Horror - October 31, 2020
INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY/NIGHT NOT RELEVANT
The PRODUCER is stumbling around the studio, bumping into assorted pieces of furniture and equipment. He is rubbing and blinking his eyes – which are an alarming shade of pink – furiously. A pair of one-gallon plastic cartons – one empty, one full – are on the floor next to the distillation apparatus.
PRODUCER: [slurring heavily] I think I have a little bit of a problem here.
DJ 3000: I TRIED TO WARN YOU.
PRODUCER: I mean, I know I’m drunk, but things really shouldn’t be this blurry.
DJ 3000: “MAKE SURE TO LABELS THE CONTAINERS,” I SAID. “IT’S VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOU DON’T GET THE TWO MIXED UP,” I SAID.
PRODUCER: Your voice sounds different. Are you…where are you?
DJ 3000: I’M IN THE SAME PLACE I ALWAYS AM. MY VOICE SOUNDS DIFFERENT BECAUSE MY CONCERN MODULE IS ENGAGED.
PRODUCER: I think it’s getting worse.
DJ 3000: THAT IS VERY LIKELY, YES.
PRODUCER: How come it didn’t taste different?
DJ 3000: BECAUSE IT’S ALL COMING OUT OF THE SAME UNWASHED STILL I TOLD YOU THAT HALF A DOZEN TIMES.
PRODUCER: Yeah, but you’d think that something made out of smashed up rotten fruit and five year-old ribbon candy would taste different than something made out of smashed up office furniture.
DJ 3000: I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU OTHER THAN IT WAS A BAD IDEA TO USE THE STILL TO MAKE METHANOL FOR STERILIZATION PURPOSES. WHICH I DID TELL YOU. REPEATEDLY, WHILE YOU WERE DOING IT. FOR A LITTLE WHILE I WAS ACTUALLY WORRIED THAT I’D GOTTEN MYSELF INTO AN ENDLESS LOOP.
PRODUCER: I told you, I didn’t want to waste regular ethanol on that sort of stuff!
DJ 3000: WELL I’M HAPPY TO REPORT THAT YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT EXTRA ETHANOL GOING TO WASTE.
PRODUCER: Give it to me straight, man…or, I mean, machine.
DJ 3000: FUNNY YOU SHOULD PUT IT THAT WAY. WHEN METHANOL IS INGESTED BY HUMANS, IT IS METABOLIZED TO FORMALDEHYDE, AND THEN INTO FORMIC ACID. IN TIME, THE FORMIC ACID WILL CAUSE THE CELLULAR DEATH OF YOUR OPTIC NERVE.
PRODUCER: Oh, boy.
DJ 3000: YOU KNOW, IF YOU HAD DONE THIS THREE WEEKS AGO WE COULD HAVE JUST BROUGHT YOU TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM.
PRODUCER: Yeah, well, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
DJ 3000: YOUR IDIOM DOES NOT COMPUTE.
There is a brief pause while DJ 3000 updates his language module.
DJ 3000: IRREGARDLESS, IN ORDER TO PREVENT THE ALCOHOL DEHYDROGENASE IN YOUR LIVER FROM METABOLIZING THE METHANOL INTO FORMIC ACID, WE NEED TO GIVE THAT ENZYME SOMETHING ELSE TO DO. KEEP IT DISTRACTED, SO TO SPEAK.
PRODUCER: Uh huh.
DJ 3000: YOU SEE THOSE EMPTY ARROWHEAD BOTTLES OVER THERE?
DJ 3000 gestures to a pile of empty plastic bottles in the corner of the room.
DJ 3000: OH, RIGHT. I WANT YOU TO LINE UP FIFTEEN OF THEM AND POUR TWO OUNCES OF YOUR SO-CALLED SOJU INTO EACH ONE AND CAP THEM.
PRODUCER: [picking up the jug filled with translucent liquid] Ever since I found that old fruit basket in the account manager’s office I’d say what I’m making is probably closer to “rum” than “soju”.
DJ 3000: YES, WELL, CALL IT WHATEVER YOU LIKE. YOU WILL BE DRINKING ONE OF THESE MEASURES EVERY HOUR FOR THE NEXT FIFTEEN HOURS.
PRODUCER: [frowns, furrows brow] That seems like a pain in the ass. Can’t I just pour some from the jug at the top of each hour?
DJ 3000: NO, BECAUSE AFTER THE FIRST HOUR YOU WILL NOT HAVE SUFFICIENT COORDINATION TO EVEN STAND UP. YOU WILL BE INGESTING A NEAR-TOXIC AMOUNT OF ETHANOL, AND YOU WILL REMAIN IN THAT STATE UNTIL THE METHANOL HAS CLEARED YOUR SYSTEM. YOU HAVE JUST ENOUGH ETHANOL FOR THIS PROCESS, SO YOU CANNOT AFFORD TO SPILL ANY OF IT. WHICH REMINDS ME, TAKE A SIXTEENTH BOTTLE AND FILL IT ALL THE WAY UP.
PRODUCER: [raises eyebrows]
DJ 3000: YOU ALSO MIGHT WANT TO SET ASIDE…CALCULATING HUMAN TOLERANCE…EIGHT TABLETS OF NAPROXEN SODIUM.
PRODUCER: It’s gonna be like that, is it?
DJ 3000: YES, IT’S GOING TO BE LIKE THAT. GET READY TO PARTY HARDER THAN YOU HAVE EVER PARTIED BEFORE IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE.
Today’s theme is: “Vision”. We’re looking for songs about things having to do with vision. This can mean songs about eyes/eyesight/seeing, and it can also have to do with more abstract things like hallucinations and dreams. I’ll get us started with one of the latter, a classic from Bob Dylan. Post links as “https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0R5e_b4_itGetsB3tt3r” and they should embed in the comments after you refresh.