It seems that North American sports leagues think the only way to get back to playing is by doing mini-tournaments.

The MLS’s mini-tournament is going hilariously wrong. First, the reigning league MVP, Carlos Vela of LAFC, decline to play. Next, FC Dallas as a team withdrew from the tournament after 9 players tested positive for COVID 19 AFTER they arrived in Florida. It should be noted they were perfectly healthy before they got there.

Now, Nashville has withdrawn from the tournament after multiple players tested positive. So, a tournament which was supposed to have all teams in 6 groups has changed to 5 groups and it’s really not a soccer tournament it’s Survivor in soccer uniforms.

The NHL announced that the season will resume in the beginning of August with games taking place in Edmonton and Toronto. They will also play a mini-tournament with the top 24 teams before the league shut down taking place.

Don’t worry, Kings fans, I’m pretty sure Anze Kopitar is safe in Slovenia. The Kings won’t be taking part. Neither will the Ducks or Sharks, so California hockey fans will have to either root for the Golden Knights in honour of past drunken escapades in Vegas or pick another team. I choose Vancouver because I love that city.

The 24 teams will be whittled down to the 16 that traditionally take part in the Stanley Cup playoffs. The playoffs for the Western Conference will all be held in Edmonton while the Eastern Conference playoffs will be held in Toronto. The Conference finals and the Stanley Cup Final series will be held in Edmonton.

They have not released game times yet, but I’m optimistic that we’ll have more sports to watch while we’re working from home as there are supposed to be multiple games each day!

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The Week in DFO

Here are the things I read in DFO this week that reminded me how much I love this site:

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Food looks so damned good that I bet Scotchy is out prowling for a hobo named Diane as we speak.

King Hippo

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Awww. Let’s just pretend Seamus is on a beautiful farm , running free with all of the pugs, somewhere in the wilds of BC. He’s not gone forever, he just has no internet connection in the boonies.

Gumbygirl

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Aw. I miss tWBS.

To make matters worse, the not-so-wee lady Siobhan turned out to be male, so it’s been cut down. I saved some pollen, though, so the Wee cannabis strain will live on.

RTD

the not-so-wee lady Siobhan turned out to be male

Hate it when that happens, but the pimp will usually give you your money back if you ask nicely.

herodotus450

Not in Thailand.

Litre_cola

This is fiction; herodotus450 knows the when he wakes up with a sore asshole, the smell of burnt butter, no money, etc. the only thing gained is knowledge.

Moose

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I noticed something while I was posting some Terry Zwigoff stuff below . . .

If you want to form a mental picture of tWBS, here he is:

Brick

This is an accurate assessment. Down to him picking up a bartender and fucking her in her car.

Balls

Does car mean ass?

Brick

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Is it really a boat if it flies?

Mr. Ayo

Yes it is. A flying boat has a displacement hull fuselage, while a float plane has buoyant outriggers. A flying boat also has a “step,” a critical hull feature that allows it to transition from displacement to non-displacement to achieve takeoff and to break free of the water’s surface. I bet you expected a joke answer but I don’t kid around about Howard Hughes or flying boats.

Brick

I expected nothing less than this reply actually.

Mr. Ayo

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Hmm. I never thought that “shit or get off the fence” was a real phrase, but now I’m convinced.

Dunstan

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First time I got drunk (Cuba Libres) was on January 6, 1984. I remember because I was 13 and had to leave a late Día de Reyes mass to puke on the church parking lot.

Don T

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I actually didn’t have my first drink until my second semester of college. I felt I “wasn’t ready”. Yes, I was a massive dork.

The night I did finally drink, the guys in the dorm thought it would be hilarious to have me do a shotgun contest with a senior. So there we are in the shower stalls, and they have to show me how to do a shotgun. So bang, we’re off…and I fucking smoked him. That senior didn’t live it down for a while. As for me, a long and distinguished drinking career had begun.

WhyEaglesWhy

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First drinking story — I was either 11 or 12. My parents left town for the weekend, with my older sister in charge. By this point, we had reached a détente in our sibling rivalry and allied against the true enemy (the parents), so she was confident I would not rat her out for having 40-50 of her closest friends over.

I was wandering around the party, taking advantage of the fact that my eyes were at breast level of many of the female attendees, when one of her male friends thought it would be funny to pour some beer into a glass for me. I drank it, continued wandering, and then a different guy gave me some beer. Repeat multiple times — we’re not sure how many different guys were supplying me, or what the total ended up being, but it turned out to be the right amount to get me very buzzed but not sick and only mildly hungover.

There are pictures left over to this day of me and various of my sister’s friends, with me looking quite Hefner-like in my Montreal Canadiens bathrobe. And so did a long love affair begin with alcohol and older women.

Dunstan

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My first was with friends breaking (opening) into a dad’s liquor cabinet at 13. We made boiler makers and other odd shit drinks, one kid threw up and got it mostly in the toilet (good!) then got wedged in between the bathtub and toilet (bad), then become violent swinging a cane with murderous intent (worse). All this happened before 2:00 in the afternoon on a hot summer day before the dad got home. Emerging into the bright sunlight and heat was devastating to the first hangover. I said “I’M NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN!!!” “Never” was about three weeks.

Moose

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I thought letting kids drink was a wop thing? Will update my stereotype bank.

For the record, when we were visiting family outside of Yinzburgh, my Dad gave me a sip of Keystone. I think I was 10? As I spit it out across the room, he said in his best deadpan – “tastes like weasel piss, doesn’t it?”

I only drank wine coolers until I was a senior in high school. That’s just good parenting hustle.

King Hippo

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“The [Washington Generals’] most famous win of all was in Martin, Tennessee, in 1971”

So you’re saying they’re due?

Dunstan

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Cant wait for the next part of Brick’s ongoing series, “Picture of Brick Meathook’s Orgasm Nook”

herodotus450

I’m curious about the Jewish orgasm. How is it different from the Gentile orgasm?

Balls

You don’t get off, you get half off.

SonOfSpam

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Very considerate of the French to not picture the World Trade Center towers in that photo

herodotus450

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This makes me want to watch Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

BFC

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The Washington Lizard People and the Cleveland River Fires.

See you didn’t need to consult a bunch of McKinsey assholes and get a focus group.

Buddy

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“neighboring states have implemented restrictions on Victorians traveling there”

An idea that has come a couple of centuries too late for much of the rest of the world.

Dunstan

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A while ago I was speaking with Aussie who worked for an international client and he loved the sport, but spoke about the women’s side much as many NBA fans speak about the WNBA. The obvious differences due to physical, establishment legacy, and money, but added to that their bitterness towards women in general focused into irrational hatred. Fun times.

Moose

Australia was one of the few liberty stops that we actually wanted to wear our dress uniforms ashore. Australian dudes (this is 35 years ago, mind you) treated the Sheilas like shit so the ladies were on US Navy sailors like white on rice. I met a gal in Perth whose father almost convinced me to go over the hill.

Black dudes on board fared more poorly ashore, they were considered “Abos” by the local populace. But they would take one duty day for you there in exchange for your taking two duty days for them in Japan, because the Japanese girls liked them very much.

Viva La Tabula Raza

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It can be worse – wifey’s lil’ sis is here for a week and she and wifey started the visit by raiding my liquour cabinet. I legit would trade yer pain for mine, because watching 18yo Courvosier or Macallan getting mixed with diet coke damn near killed me (though I had my revenge today by ordering refills from wifeys card)

bk109

“18yo Courvosier or Macallan getting mixed with diet coke”

That is a goddamn war crime

Horatio

The casualties are 18yo Macallan Fine Oak (full bottle), 3/4 Macallan 1994 “18yo” (that made me legit wanna cry), 1 full Courvosier VSOP and ~1/2 of a Hennessy XO.

Only thing that helps cushion the blow was the realization dawning on the two how much booze (in $ terms) they wasted… And that wifey made the mistake of agreeing to restock my “good shit” cabinet, without realizing until it was way too late why I keep it hidden in the den

Edit: And not a single one of those was drunk the way you can actually distiguish it from a store-brand 10$ bottle (aka neat and with a good cigar)

bk109

Any way for you to have a cheaper mixer stash for that shit? That is a war crime.

Moose

In the wine world, they call those “cellar defenders.” Keeps the rubes away from your good stuff.

Dunstan

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/ found a funny

(while watching the music video for “Take On Me” by a-ha)
“She shouldn’t date him. He looks kind of sketchy.”

Redshirt

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This speaks to me.

SonOfSpam

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Sapphoroni?

SonOfSpam

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Time for some recovery whiskey. The drink, not the DFO commenter.

Dunstan

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Is that Ivanka?

Viva La Tabula Raza

I think that was taken in the Ritz Hotel. You could say she was wearing “Putin in the Ritz”

Dunstan

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Texans? Who would name a team “Texans”?

Sharkbait

Yeah, he was just making up words at the end..

Balls (Seriously, read WhyAskWhy’s entire post. It’s chock full of great names!)

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Have a virtual doc appointment next week. In place of the annual physical.

If anyone can recommend a tripod/lighting setup, so I can focus on getting a finger way up while spreading my

I’m gonna need an assistant. What category do you use for Craigslist?

SonOfSpam

Missed connections?

Sharkbait

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I vaguely remember them firing the starters gun to end quarters. I guess it was because they didn’t have all the fancy shmancy electronic scoreboards back in the day?

Gumbygirl

It also helped warn off any moose that might be wandering too close to the field.

Dunstan

Made me jump.

Moose

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Damn summer, how am I supposed to get up to unsavory things if the sun is still up at 9 pm?

herodotus450

A basement pays for itself in the first ten dead hookers, I mean months.

SonOfSpam

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I’ll take “Things Said About My Wife On Her Wedding Day” for $1,400, Alex.

Horatio

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He was a weird little perv, used to come to all the keggers even though he was years older than us. He would talk directly to your boobs, never any eye contact. The weirdest thing is no one ever got mad at him, they just accepted that he was a strange agent. His name was Frank Chinese, I haven’t thought of him in years.

Gumbygirl

Wait, was he Chinese and you guys called him Frank Chinese or was his last name actually “Chinese”?

Either way, that’s hilarious.

Balls

He was Italian. His last name was Chianese, but no one pronounced it correctly.

Gumbygirl

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Here’s this week’s Balls’ Choice from Request Line:

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Thank you to everyone one for providing quality laughs and gifs/pics to look at. Kudos to Gumbygirl for finally figuring out that the hidden theme for Sexy Friday was “girls with visible feet”. We’ll have another puzzle for you next Friday.

Which reminds me, when are you going to post more puzzles, RTD?