Hello sports fans, degenerate gamblers and people who want to procrastinate!

Today’s 3PM EST game is the lesser footy match of the week. We’ve got Satan’s favoUrite team, the Manchester United Red Devils, taking on Daniel Craig’s favoUrite team,  the Southhampton Saints.

Before I break this game down, I’d like to pull a 2011 Boston Bruins by saying that while I don’t like talking about myself, I’m going to take a moment to talk about myself. Last week was one hell of a major roller coaster. It began on Tuesday when I checked my DMs on Slack and found out that tWBS and a really cool guy Beerguy Rob and I worked with at Nat Bailey stadium had passed away. tWBS was a really cool cat and someone I considered to be an internet friend. I am saddened by the fact that I never got to meet him. I just hope Baltimore Orioles players were the Pallbearers at his funeral so that they let tWBS down one last time.

Less than 24 hours later, Fetuszilla finally became Babyzilla. Mrs. Zilla and Babyzilla are healthy and doing well. Babyzilla entering this world was kind of funny because about 2 minutes after the Doctors left and I was taking a piss, Mrs. Zilla yelled for me to come to her because the baby was coming. So, I stopped midstream and ran over to the Mrs. As doctors began running into the room to help out, Babyzilla entered this world.

Other highlights of the birth included Babyzilla lifting his head up once about 5 minutes postpartum (that’s very impressive for newborns) and the nurse saying he had a normal looking and lovely penis. The boy was alive for less than an hour and he had a woman that wasn’t related to him complimenting him on his penis. tWBS would be proud. Unfortunately, he did not get her number. SMH.

Also happening today is The Decision. It will be decided on whether Man Shitty will have their 2 year suspension upheld or reduced. You can get caught up with this story by clicking here. By the time this is published, a decision may already have been made. Over the past few days, social media has been claiming that Man Shitty will be completely exonerated by CAS over the UEFA allegations of Financial Fair Play.

Update: It was  overturned.

Here’s a look at the officials who overturned the decision:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRX-gls2ofw

Mason Greenwood is a hardworking teenage sensation who is tearing shit up and looks like a future ballon d’or winner. Wan-Bissaka’s nickname is a spider because of how he traps the opposing strikers into his metaphorical web. He’s almost unbeatable. Luke Shaw is fat for a lesser footy pro athlete, but is still a very solid Leftback, which makes him loveable. Additionally, despite United paying way over the market price for him, Harry Maguire (aka: Slabhead) is still a really cool cat. You can tell he tries really hard, even if he is prone to the occasional derp.

Even United’s subs are likeable. Odion Ighalo was loaned to United by a team in China. It’s a dream come true for Ighalo because not only did he leave China in January, but also because he’s a life long Manchester United fan. Fred (AKA: Pastor Fred) has made leaps and bounds this season. He went from a guy that people were demanding to see his passport because they didn’t believe he was Brazilian, to being an unsung hero for the first half of the season. Daniel James’ nickname is Flash and while he has the Lesser Footy IQ of an ant, he tries really hard, is adorable. There’s actually potential there, and in 2-3 three years he could be a legitimate starter in the EPL. He needs to put on about 10 pounds of muscle and really develop his football IQ, specifically in the final third. He’s also quite the dancer.

Even their deadwood players are quite loveable. Juan Mata is older than Mathusela and yet he is so incredibly nice and does tremendous work with various charities. Jesse Lingard (aka: Lingardinho) is a terrible lesser footy player, but is genuinely a good guy. He has a lot going on in his personal life, including raising his little brother, which has just destroyed his career. I actually think he would be better served to move to another club to try and resurrect his career. He’s actually so likeable, most United fans want that to happen and hopes he succeeds. Sir Phil The Thrill Jones is about as good a defender as any one of us. He’s so bad, that even when he’s healthy, people don’t mind that he is a healthy scratch. But when he plays, we’re all rewarded with the Phil Jones face, which is just hilarious.

He also acknowledges that he’s a terrible player. With that said, as amusing as Sir Phil the Thrill is, I genuinely can’t wait for United to get rid of him.

What a great bunch of guys!

Now in regards to change, it’s becoming noticeable that United’s rivals are seeing what United is doing. When Jose Mourinho was asked about United, he pissed and moaned about United getting tons of penalties. Well Jose, your boring and antiquated style of football is the drizzling shits and while United may have been rewarded 13 penalties, it’s because they play an attacking style of lesser footy, while your shitty style takes your clubs 13-15 matches just to get 13 shots on target. The Hot Sperms played 112 minutes  of lesser footy and didn’t even get a shot on net in their penultimate game. The thing is, that’s pretty standard with Jose’s style of coaching. There’s also this:

As for the Scousers, well, fuck them too. While they are a good team that won the title, they’re ridiculously over-rated by the media, many of whom are trying to say they are the greatest team in EPL history. They won one major trophy this season. As for their prolific front three, well, despite having a combined 3+ months off due to injury time and Greenwood being a super sub up until a few games ago, as of the end of matchday 34, United’s front three has scored 55 goals to LiVARpool’s 51. Hell, I keep hearing how dominant they are, but they aren’t the first team that won four straight games by at least a three-goal margin.

But back to his game.

Most importantly, this game can be another stepping stone towards United’s culture changing. Since Fergie left, United has essentially become a mid-table club who constantly fails to seize the opportunity whenever clubs ahead of them in the top 4 falter. But this is it. This is the game where United can win and go from 5th place to third (for at least the next few days). This is their chance to do something that United teams over the past 7 years have failed to do. When United was in the same predicament a year ago, you knew they weren’t going to win, regardless of whom they played. This year, with change in the air, it feels like United might win.

It should be a tough, but good game because Southampton has been playing really well. They beat Man Shitty last Monday and drew Very disappointing Everton on Thursday. This actually might be United’s toughest game they have left because they are one of the best tactically sound teams in the EPL. They play a high press, fast aggression to the ball, similar to Klopp. They score goals and concede very few (I believe it’s 4 goals in 5 games).

Prediction:

The Saints are playing well but have nothing to play for. They are a midtable club and as a result, it’s about time for them to have a stinker. Therefore, United are going to win 3-2. . .unless King Hippo decides to be on the Reds. Then expect a 2-1 Saints win.

Enjoy the game!