Halas Hall Board Room — Lake Forest — 8:44 AM

General Manager Ryan Pace knocks once and enters through the doorway. The room is occupied but eerily dark for a Wednesday morning. His coworker, Head Coach Matt Nagy, is the only person seated at the large conference table that dominates the room. He quietly greets Pace as he grabs a chair across the table for his seat. They share a voiceless gaze around the room, as if to express that neither knew why they were called there. 

— Door Flies Open —

George Halas McCaskey: Damn boys! We need to act! Dan Snyder stole the last news cycle with his name change and now this protest nonsense is still bubbling below the surface and the nonstop right wing infotainment assault on the Chicago name — thanks Jussie Smollett! — isn’t helping our brand any. We need to get on top! That’s the kind of leadership that comes from a graduate like me of Arizona State University who earned this chairmanship by outlasting all of my grandfather, father, and brother!

Ryan Pace: Well, sir, we have had a pretty quiet off season but that was all part of our plan. We brought in Nick Foles to give a bump to Mitch and I think David Montgomery is still on pace to become a fan favorite.

McCaskey: What fans, Ryan?

Pace: Excuse me, sir?

McCaskey: That’s exactly my point. Ever since the double-doink, we’ve been hemorrhaging fan allegiance and, I don’t know if you clowns have been paying attention, but fans palates are not craving another dull 8-8 season like last year.

Matt Nagy: Well, sir, I don’t think we’re going to be 8-8 again this year.

McCaskey: Oh yes we are.

Nagy: Pardon?

McCaskey: You took a roster with a Super Bowl caliber defense and then made pretty much no upgrades anywhere else on the roster. I was there in 2007. Call this a 7-9 or 8-8 team; doesn’t matter. What we need is a spark!

Nagy: What are you proposing exactly?

McCaskey: Look, we all know the value with personnel is getting in there early, right? We had to pay Khalil Mack big because we’re stuck holding his contract during his prime. But would we be any worse off carrying his rookie deal? Hell no! Those were value Mack years!

Pace: I don’t recall any of this being a part of our off season plans.

McCaskey: Jeez. Nerd. Look. We need to play on this Washington effort. Lots of fans are in upheaval about the change. They want a cover of heritage for which they can hide their hate. They want to feel like their NFL fandom counts as patriotic service at a time when Border Patrol is getting ready to burn their neighborhoods to the ground. They want to know that there is nothing wrong with wearing — and paying top dollar for — a team jersey that will mean something when people see it.

Pace: We’re the Bears. I mean, you’re not thinking about changing the team name, are you?

McCaskey: I’m just gonna keep moving and you’ll need to catch up. Look, to address the fan aspect that I just explained, idiot, I’ve gone out and got an up-and-coming Washington lobbyist. And since she’s not technically a lobbyist yet, I got her at a steal. So, if you’re not still lost here Ryan, please say hello to our new Fan Retention Consultant, Senator Martha McSally!

Senator Martha McSally (R-AZ): Imagine now, a team that is heralded as “All American”. A team with so much G.D. patriotism that fans can’t help but notice it.

Nagy: Solider Field!

McSally: Exactly! But let’s expand on that. This team that plays in a patriotically-named, Turning Point USA Presents Soldier Field at Goya Stadium, but fans need a player to root for. A star the likes of a small town Texas quarterback. All-American. Not some thug like Cam Newton or Antifa looter like Deshaun Watson or crackhead like Patrick Mahomes.

Pace: Ummm….I think both Mitch and Nick have pretty upstanding quote-American-unquote reputations.

McSally: Good God, man. Do you think a PR queen like myself would even have been brought in here if Nick Foles was going to be the patriotic face of this franchise. I’m the first woman to fly a fighter jet in combat. I mean, it wasn’t real combat and was more of a publicity stunt but, you know, still.

Pace: This seems like a publicity stunt, on the surface anyways.

McCaskey: Now you’re getting it, boy! And Martha here can turn anything into a publicity stunt! Did you know she once fabricated vague rape allegations in a Senate committee hearing and, refusing to share any details or name her accuser as anything other than an Air Force Superior — who could still be serving in the military today preying on airmen — turned it into a full on New York Times exposé? Got her a 2% bump in the polls temporarily. Now imagine what 2% would mean to the Bears.

Nagy: We could pick up all these Washington fans who are looking for a new team to support!

Pace: But she’s still going to lose the election. She lost her other election too.

Nagy: That’s because poor, racist, rural Arizona voters are part of the deep state, duh.

McSally: You don’t know that. I’m extremely influential.

McCaskey: So bring it all together for Ryan here. Kid’s a whiz with the spreadsheets and he showed me how to update my Facebook but he ain’t very bright when it comes to marketing.

Nagy: She’s just saying we need to stock our roster with soldiers then, right boss?

McSally: Soldiers, airmen, coasties, marines — I don’t actually care. We just need a face that will make everyone forget about Tillman or Villanueva or Nate Boyer.

Nagy: I think everyone has already forgot about Boyer. But how do we find guys from the academies that can ball out the Chicago Bears Way? We didn’t send one scout to one academy game all season. We don’t know who any of these kids are and our rookies don’t have military cred!

McSally: That’s why I your boss hooked you up with me, an expert who will be able to navigate the Bears through the market and, hopefully, find us the next player that we might nickname, The Colonel!

McCaskey: Ahhh yes! The Colonel! This is excellent patriotism marketing. Very law and order. Very patriotic. Very strong. Tough. So now, who will be our The Colonel?

Pace: Actually, sir, if I may step in here. I’ve been talking with Miami and they drafted late a little swiss army knife of a player named Malcolm Perry. They got him from the Naval Academy after he won the — get this — he won the American Athletic Conference Player of the Year award.

McSally: Swiss army? You think being Swiss is somehow patriotic? No — we’re selling American exceptionalism here. Ain’t no one putting bounties on Swiss troops because the Swiss aren’t a threat like us. Those bounties are something we should be proud of. The Colonel definitely needs to be a player worthy of the Saints coaches incentivizing late hits on this player. Similar to how our poor Customs and Border Patrol agents are being attacked late by angry mobs in Portland! I mean, these poor wannabe tough guys and thrice divorced never-weres are sacrificing their bodies for us when they’d rather be home smacking around their wives or molesting their children. Every single on of them. Ryan, you need to understand the sacrifice that we need a player like The Colonel to match.

McClaskey: Yeah Ryan! Jeez!

Nagy: Why not hit the free agent market? Looks like this guy was in the military?

McCaskey: Lean fella. Looks like a receiver, maybe?

McSally: I guess…you know, I knew there was a good chance you’d pick a negro but I don’t know about this one. He’s a bit of a house n, know what I mean? If he’s gonna be black, I don’t think The Colonel needs to have any book learnin’.

Nagy: Guy is loyal though. I mean, this is the kind of guy who runs through a brick wall just to prove that an obese 74 year old man could run through six walls.

McCaskey: Oh you can get that from any Uncle Tom! What else you got?!

Pace: Well, if you don’t like Mitch and Nick, is it crazy to give a look at Kaep? I mean, you want to be a part of the moment here then that’s really the call to make and I’ve been —

McSally: Do have a clue how marketing works? You have to understand, these people we’re courting here, they have lost every identity they’ll ever have. They aren’t coal mine forklift operators anymore. They won’t ever again be anything other than temp help for whatever out of town contractor needs flag men every ten years when their town traffic light gets upgraded. But being white trash — that is a galvanizing badge no one can ever take away from them. But you think these drones want to spend their hard earned money on a Colin Kaepernick jersey?

McCaskey: Yeah. Does Colonel Colin sound like a winner to you, Ryan?

Pace: You just said we’re going 8-8.

McCaskey: We go 8-8 and your ass is in the hot seat, bozo.

McSally: Like 50%? Jeez, I’d fabricate any lie about myself to reach 50% these days. Or find a man. But I guess when voters told me no one loved me, they meant it. But the point stands; playing in the NFL is a lifetime achievement. Remember when Max Hall beat the defending champion Saints and won the Pepsi Rookie of the Week Award? No one can ever take that away from him. Ain’t no awards for being white trash though; which is why they’re always hungry for that validation. We need to find the player who can give them this validation!

McCaskey: Validation — at a price.

Nagy: Validation they will feel — at a price. But make no mistake, we aren’t giving him anything. We’re still here to put the Chicago Bears agenda first, right Mr McCaskey?

McCaskey: That’s right BoBagy. But who is this player?!

McSally: Oh I don’t know.

Pace: Didn’t you say this is why you were brought in here.

McSally: Mmmmmm…..not sure that sounds like me. If I were you, I’d just blame everything on the Packers.

Nagy: Or Minnesota.

McSally: Yes, Minnesota is quite the hellscape these days.

McCaskey: Perfect plan! Let’s pour it on! Dial up the division hatred. That will really fire up our fan base!

Pace: I thought this stunt was to expand the fan base.

McSally: You’re so dense. Other fan bases will be so defeated by the Bears fans’ energy that they won’t even bother showing up. All they’re hear about is how great the Bears are and how wonderful the fans are and they’ll just walk away from teams like Washington or New England or Dallas. It’s that simple!:

Pace: So…no The Colonel?

McSally: Don’t you have a salary cap? I mean, you want to pay another athlete millions of dollars while vets are homeless on the streets?

McCaskey: Wow Ryan, you really don’t get it, do you?

Nagy: See? This is why I can’t get anything better than a 6-10 roster. Thank goodness I can turn it into a .500 team.

McSally: You’re a masterful coach. Promises kept.

McCaskey: Alright! Another productive day! Matt, Martha, thank you both for your input. I know this is a personnel meeting and I pay someone a lot of money to handle personnel but, still, I appreciate the input you both have provided. Ryan, I expect your shortlist of nominees for The Colonel by Monday. And Pace, this isn’t a Jimmy Graham negotiation so try not to give away the farm….again.

Pace: But we said —

McSally: George, I’m just gonna say it: I don’t think this commie has the chops to fake patriotism the way a traitor like myself does. I mean, do whatever you want but that’s my two cents and I’m a straight up expert on failure.

McCaskey: Ryan, this isn’t that hard. Just get it done or I’ll find someone who will.