Eventual Balls Thoughts XXIV

It’s the start of another week. Hopefully you all had a good weekend. The person that came closest to guessing the Sexy Friday hidden theme was King Hippo with his guess of “shoulders”. We were looking for a bit more than that, but I know teh Hippo loves him some shoulders, so I’ll give it to him.

The correct answer was “girls with shoulders pointed square towards the camera”. We will have another hidden theme next week until the US government shuts down Tik Tok and I have to actually do research to find hot girls for you.

I know. Just remember that I do this for you.

***

The Week in DFO

Here are the things I read in DFO this week that reminded me how much I love this site:

It’s 10am. Do you know where your teenage son is?

Me: No, no, I do not.

scotchnaut

Is son in shower masturbating? No: Check bedroom.

Is son in bedroom masturbating? No: check shower.

herodotus450

Try the kitchen

Unsurprised

[follows trail of slimy gym socks]

scotchnaut

If you delay a couple days, they’ll be crusty rather than slimy.

Viva La Tabula Raza

***

Found a funny:

school board: it’s completely safe for kids to go back to school

teachers: so you met in person to discuss this

school board: lmao what are you nuts of course not

rockindog

***

h/t Moose
h/t Moose
h/t Brick
h/t Brick

***

the likelihood of me suing myself is somewhat low.

In a landmark ruling, the Supreme Court declined to hear the case of Yeah Right vs. Yeah Right and instead went out for lunch. Sources say they had Italian.

monty this seems strange to me

***

Let’s first win our game against City and then we’ll talk Wembley, yeesh… Speaking of which, please tell me you’re betting on Shitty, ’cause I’d like us to have a bloody fighting chance for once…

bk109

??????????

/you DO know that you beat City 2-nil yesterday??

King Hippo

Uh, we’re playing them today after the Chelski/ManUre game, right?

Edit: … No? HOLY FUCK WE WON!? … please excuse me, while I squee for 60 seconds straight…

bk109

Christ and Sonny Jeebus, go find a replay, watch and see how tumescent you gets…

King Hippo

***

h/t Moose
h/t Moose

***

last funny:

detective: where were you in the last 24 hours

me: i’ve been workin on the railroad

detective: for how long

me: ur not gonna believe this

rockindog

***

h/t Moose
h/t Moose

***

Poor Desi. She deserved better than to die in Johnny’s arms, choking on her own blood after suffering multiple stab wounds, saying “It’s OK, because I got to have you”, before being consigned to an unmarked grave.

But enough about my prom, let’s go back to my live-tweeting of ‘Starship Troopers’ while hammered.

Horatio

***

h/t Unsurprised
h/t Gratliff
h/t Moose

***

Found a funny:

people ask me all the time “why do you look so happy?” the answer is simple. i’ve lost touch with reality. the moon is my mom. my cat is gonna pay my student loans. loneliness makes my skin glow.

rockindog

***

h/t Moose
h/t Moose
h/t Moose

***

Fourth, and perhaps most maddening to any principled person: He avoids accountability at every turn. Nothing’s ever his fault.

Yes, Washington D.C. So full of principled persons.

monty this seems strange to me

***

h/t rockindog

Where will I get my taco shoes now?

Brick

Aren’t you in the LA area? Don’t they still have Del Taco Zapatos?

Viva La Tabula Raza

***

The ESPN crawl says that Rutgers will proceed without fans and it’s nice to see that in the Year of Our Lord 2020 some things stay the same.

SonOfSpam

***

h/t herodotus450
h/t Unsurprised
h/t Moose
h/t Moose
h/t Moose

***

h/t Moose

This would have been good to know prior to Homecoming, junior year…

LemonJello

***

[runs a steak knife across the seal of a The Macallan bottle of scotch several times in order to open it]

Why? Because I’m Northern Ontario Fancy, that’s why!

scotchnaut

Knife dulled due to other activities?

Viva La Tabula Raza

Scotchy keeps his “hobby” knives in prime cutting condition. His kitchen knives? Not so much.

LemonJello

***

h/t Unsurprised

***

Further to Sports Business Daily’s report, if the Packers are permitted to have fans, they are planning on Lambeau Field holding between 10,000-12,000 people under social distancing rules.

What’s funny is that putting 10-12k Wisconsin residents into the Lambeau stands still pretty much has them packed in elbow-to-elbow.

RTD

***

So apparently I may have an older half-sibling out there. My attitude is essentially, “meh, who cares?” One of the many reasons I never signed up for one of those DNA tracing sites.

If anything, I’m sort of pleased that my mom led a more interesting life than I had been led to believe. (And by all means, feel free to make jokes about my mom. I wouldn’t have thrown this obvious bait to this crowd if I wasn’t prepared for it.)

Fortunately, this is coming in the form of late-in-life parent confessions rather than some half-sibling making contact.

Dunstan

Is it a half-sister or brother? Maybe it’s a sister and she’ll make initial contact – slow and awkward at first, but gradually you start becoming more comfortable and eventually you spend enough time together that you start to develop feelings for each other. But no! She’s my half-sister, I can’t possibly. But if it is so wrong, why does it feel so right? Oh, if only the circumstances were different. Then a DNA test, the very kind that you had eschewed, reveals that this “sister” is NOT the half-sibling your mom gave birth to, and you are in fact free to pursue this once forbidden pleasure.

That’s when you both realize you’re not really that into each other and part ways.

monty this seems strange to me

***

It’s a shame that the Blue Jays aren’t going to be allowed to play at PNC Park. Pittsburgh could really use a baseball team.

Dunstan

***

Woo! Won an argument with the wifey.*

*is the lack of sex for the next few days worth it?**

**I’ll get back to you

scotchnaut

***

I just want to say three words:

Colonel. Tim. Tebow.

Dunstan

Leave it to the Bears to have a pacifist lead their army.

Blaxabbath

Yeah, but who better to lead them against the Washington Foreskins?

Dunstan

***

Well, Washington’s new name sort of makes sense. The previous one insulted all Native Americans by calling them all a racist slur. The new one insults all football players by implying they play for Washington.

Redshirt

I think it insults other players by implying Washington plays as a team. But I suppose “Washington Collection of Bad Draft Picks and Contracts” doesn’t look too good stenciled on a heather gray t-shirt.

Porky Prime

***

h/t Moose
h/t Moose
h/t Moose

***

Wifey’s in the mood, even said she’ll put on some goddess jewelry. The girls, however, remain a perpetual cockblock.

WCS

They’re never too young for a couple of shots of bourbon in their sippy cups.

Horatio

***

h/t Unsurprised

I thought there were rules about posting porn here

Sharkbait

***

The best Mookie was Blaylock. Change my mind.

scotchnaut

You are 1000% correct

Balls

You don’t follow instructions very well, balls.

monty this seems strange to me

“You don’t follow instructions very well, balls.”

Me, in between frantic apologies to another disappointed young woman.

Horatio

***

HOW IN THE HELL CAN YOU MISS THE FIRST PITCH OF THE SEASON, ESPN?!?!?!

Redshirt

“Oh, trust me, it’s pretty easy.”

Angel Hernandez

Horatio

***

h/t Moose

I lost all my Great White cards in a fire.

Horatio

***

h/t Moose
h/t Moose

***

Moose

***

Wooooo, that was action packed! As an Extremely White Woman(EWW) I would fit right in at an albino nudist camp. To avoid permanent eye damage from the glare, I highly recommend sunglasses when viewing my exposed flesh, even at night.

Gumbygirl

***

h/t Moose
h/t Moose
h/t Moose

***

The Bow Wow Wow cover was also very controversial (to say the least) with Annabella’s mother, who was not happy with her underage daughter being all kinds of naked on an album cover.

More proof that record execs are slimy pricks.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

[glance up from lines of cocaine]

[look at each other and smirk]

[resume snorting]

– DTZM and RTD

RTD

***

h/t Moose
h/t Moose
h/t Moose
h/t Moose
h/t Moose
h/t Moose

***

h/t Moose

The other other other OTHER white meat

herodotus450

***

Watching the Red Sox play the Orioles and I have to say that it looks like Seamus has more life in him than his beloved* Orioles.

*tolerated. barely.

Horatio

***

Lynda Carter turns 69 today!?!?!?

Unsurprised

Really feel like this should be a DFO Holiday.

Horatio

***

h/t Unsurprised

***

I appreciate how the Orioles are honoring tWBS’ memory by playing like they did when he was alive

Gratliff

***

h/t Moose
h/t Moose
h/t Don T

***

found a funny:

interviewer: do you have any questions

me: yes, why isn’t bigfoot called bigfeet

interviewer: i meant questions about working here

me: oh sorry, if bigfoot worked here would you call him bigfeet

rockindog

***

Twitter reaction to the Favre-Trump pic is “So I guess Brett Favre is still sending out dick pics” and that’s a quality joke.

SonOfSpam

***

Here’s this week’s Balls’ Choice from Request Line:

h/t Yeah Right

***

Thank you to everyone one for providing quality laughs and gifs/pics to look at. Have a good week, everyone!

Before I go, a hearty congratulations to Reverend Mayhem who absolutely dominated the EPL Tipping Pool this year. Here are the final results:

Rev, a gently-used Fleshlight is on its way! Enjoy it in good health!

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Unsurprised

comment image?w=640&ssl=1

Man, that cuts as deep as a priest’s dick up my friends my asses

The last one was a bitch, though. Active police chaplain. Gave the memorial mass for my grandmother who founded the parish. Biggest claim to fame? Sending kids vials to jerk off into and then to send back.

I wish I called him a fucking pedophile to his face the second to last time I saw him (last was that mass. Yes, we knew. We always knew.) when he was giving some stupid lecture in my junior theology class. My brother graduated with a reputation of having every theology teacher from grades 5 to 12 at one time or another calling our mother in tears about him. His theology of sin video is legend. But I was the good one so I didn’t have the balls. And he got arrested the summer before my brother would’ve 100% called him a sex predator for soliciting Cum and sex from friends of his.

Being Catholic is boring as fuck 99% of the time. But that 1%. Holy shit. That one percent is what makes it all fucking worth it.

Unsurprised

Laetitia Casta in that leopard bikini is THE he GOAT for sexy shoots and I will legit fight anyone over that.

Brocky

comment image?w=640&ssl=1

Not going to lie, this image legitimately makes me think that society is too hard on those who would buy a woman’s bathwater

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Do you put ice in it or take it neat? I like mine neat.

Brocky

So I’ve decided to stop being so passive aggressive in wearing my mask wearing, and start wearing masks in Indiana giving people shit for not wearing masks.

Is “wear a fucking mask!” too on the nose or should I throw some taking the lord’s name in vain on there?

Brocky

And what if it’s my old 7th grade science teacher is was in fact a female?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’m with you on this, just make sure the fucker is not armed.

Gratliff

I gotta say the "Masque of the Red Death" approach to keeping professional sports covid-free, where step 1 is that everyone is instantly infected, has been something to watch

— Pinboard (@Pinboard) July 27, 2020

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

Horatio Cornblower

I don’t wanna say “called it”, but…

https://www.doorfliesopen.com/2020/03/30/the-mock-of-the-red-draft/

Gratliff

Prophetic so far today. Vikings’ guy in charge of making sure everyone doesn’t get infected is now infected
https://www.sun-sentinel.com/sports/national-sports/ct-minnesota-vikings-eric-sugarman-covid-19-20200727-lmzgzy5kcnc5hmuoxjffrnyrya-story.html

Game Time Decision

The irony there is off the charts

Wakezilla

THESE MIAMI MARLINS I CALL SAHEL KAZEMI BECAUSE ONCE THEY REALIZE THEY COULDN’T HAVE WHAT THEY WANTED THEY COMMITTED MURDER SUICIDE ON THE MLB

King Hippo

Mighty Whitey looking prettay…prettay…prettay good in their Lessor endeavoUrs

litre_cola

Yeeeahhhhhhhhhh budddyyy!!!! 2 silky goalz.

Dunstan

I see that the Miami Marlins are no longer content with fucking up their own season, and have decided to take all of MLB down with them….

(I don’t actually blame the Marlins — this was inevitable.)

Game Time Decision

Suddenly the choice of the Canadian government to NOT allow the Blue Jays to play in Toronto looks to be the right one. Who knew it was going to turn out like this?

Dunstan

Umm, everyone?

Seriously, I’m out of touch with Canadian public opinion — did people really think the Canadian gov’t made a bad call there? The border’s been closed. What’s the justification for giving a whole bunch of baseball teams (including the Jays) multiple waivers of the quarantine period, especially when many of them are coming from high-COVID areas?

I suspect if U.S. states had the clear authority to do the same, many of them would.

Game Time Decision

I saw stuff for both sides of the argument, but personally think that they made a good call there. The local and provincial governments said yes, it was the federal government that said nope, mainly due to the travel in and out of the country and the teams not being able to quarantine for 14 days. For the NHL, all the people are to remain in the “bubble” for the season (ha), so with the travel between countries, it was shut down.

I’m all for sports and getting things going again, but just think it’s still too soon and there are way too many things to consider with any professional team that travels to be able to do it safely.

King Hippo

This will be the death knell for JV NFL in 2020-21 (Fall or Spring). No way can they sell it with a straight face, in light of el beisbol.

Main NFL, though, will happen. The Shield is the only DOMESTIC sporstball organization moneyed and ruthless enough to do lockdown properly.

I would note that Europe is handling Lesser Footy just fine, and it is most definitely a contact sport.

Dunstan

Yeah, but the NFL is still planning to have teams travel. Even with private jets flying out of private terminals, that’s still a lot of risk. True, they only have eight road trips and just one city a week, but they also have much bigger rosters and support staff, and much more contact.

I think the NBA and NHL, with their “bubble” approach have maybe a 50/50 shot each of actually completing their playoffs — and that’s including the scenario of “yeah, they crowned a champion, but the thing turned into a farce by the end based on which team best avoided infection.”

King Hippo

European footy is traveling. Guess I can see that either way, though a “bubble” would maybe work if you had a pod of stadia within train distance? Because can’t play all games on same turf, it would get mangled.

Dunstan

Right, but the background infection rates are lower in every European country, aren’t they? Whereas the NFL and NBA have multiple teams each in California, Texas, and Florida, one each in Arizona, and that’s not even counting the many other states that I’m pretty sure are riskier than most if not all of Europe.

King Hippo

yeah, that is surely a factoUr, and one of the hardest things about all this is apportioning the “proximate” cause among so many different variables.

EDIT – But MLB is just so shoddily run, I had little doubt their process would be stupid. NFL seems to be handling issue more aggressively and/or diligently. Evil is usually well organized.

Dunstan

The way I see it is this:

European football resuming play is like fucking a high-priced escort with a condom.
The NFL and MLB are proposing to have unprotected sex with crack whores.
The NHL and NBA are proposing to have sex with crack whores, but wear condoms.

There’s a risk of getting an STD from any of those situations, but some are riskier than others.
(Ok, it’s not the greatest analogy, but I’m trying to steer this back to the core expertise of DFO.)

King Hippo

This is the good shit!

Wakezilla

“No how do we get the NFL to be run like an illegal rub n tug place, but one still classy enough where there is no bait in switching?”

R. Kraft in New England

Horatio Cornblower

comment image

Gumbygirl

That is the greatest analogy ever!

King Hippo

/also, this was huge missed opportunity to settle it all in Wichita smh

Game Time Decision

think the NBA and NHL, with their “bubble” approach have maybe a 50/50 shot each of actually completing their playoffs — and that’s including the scenario of “yeah, they crowned a champion, but the thing turned into a farce by the end based on which team best avoided infection.”

This just happened for one of the lacrosse leagues ( post pending) on the weekend. Two teams decided to remove themselves from the games due to players being all Covid-y and thus cancelled the semi-finals.

Wakezilla

Looks like one team is going to win by everyone’s favorite two words: De Fault! De Fault! De Fault! De Fault! De F—

/DFO Clubhouse horse tranquilizes Wakezilla

Game Time Decision

thought we were all well past horse tranquillisers
/elephant dosages or GTFO

Horatio Cornblower

I had a bet with some friends that the Orioles wouldn’t win 10 games this season.

Looks like I’m going to win, because there isn’t gonna be 10 games this “season.”
comment image

blaxabbath

Oh yeah, what happened to Beast Mode Ate My Baby?

Senor Weaselo

He’s back, in pog from!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I lost all my Great White cards in a fire.
– Horatio

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Different from The Golddiggers in VEEEEEGAS.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gratliff

So is the baseball season over or are we just gonna crown the last team standing?

Gratliff

Gave up 11 runs to a whole dang team with the ‘rona I cannot even

— Zoo With Roy (@zoowithroy) July 27, 2020

Horatio Cornblower

Someone on Twitter mentioned that the Phillies had managed to drop 2 of 3 to a team from a leper colony.

Dunstan

Just go by the current standings. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2020 AL East Co-Champions, the Baltimore Orioles!

Brick Meathook

tWBS was concerned about some kommenters when they seemed to go too far.

He’d reach out to them, and check if they were all right. He cared.

Somehow he’s gone now, yet others are still blathering.

.

Brick Meathook

I was hammered in the middle of the night when I wrote this and it is a lousy comment.

Sharkbait

I completely forgot about EPL tipping. There’s a Mr. Pink joke in there somewhere, but I haven’t had enough coffee yet

litre_cola

Rev would have made good money if he was gamblin!

ArmedandHammered

So, is it me, or is the guy carrying eggs and enjoying the view in the picture from Moose, about to step on a dead frog holding a cookie?

ArmedandHammered

Oh and thanks for the “thoughts” as I not been able to be a part of the live threads.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Gumbygirl

I think it’s a banana peel, but I like your idea so much better.!

Brick Meathook