/Scene begins in a press conference room in Miami. The media are already seated when a dopey looking guy walks up to the podium.
Dopey guy begins to speak in a deep, but hoarse voice: Hello everyone, welcome to today’s press conference of September 7th, 2020. As you know, we have made a massive and important signing, which is why you are all here. Without further adieu, here is the Miami Dolphins’ latest signing, the new starting strong safety, from Calgary, Alberta, Canada, Wakezilla!
/media members clap as Wakezilla walks up to the podium, wearing a dress suite, with a noticeably large buffalo sauce stain on his white shirt that his teal and orange stripped ties has failed to cover up. Wakezilla sits down and begins to speak.
Wakezilla: Thank you all for being here. It’s an absolute dream come true to play for the Miami Dolphins, my favoUrite team growing up as a kid. Does anyone have any questions?
Media Member #1: Jorge Quesadilla, TV5 News. Is this a joke?
Wakezilla: No, it is not a joke. Next question.
Media Member #2: Luz Marina, Fox News Miami. No really, is this a joke?
Wakezilla: For fucks sake! No, this is not a joke. I am the the team’s starting strong safety. As you are all aware, once the real second waive of Covid hit, it mutated and attacked young people more than old people. Which is why it has been now nicknamed Boomer’s Revenge, especially here in Florida. Anyway, seeing how I literally almost died this year, Boomer’s Revenge past me by, but infected the entire Dolphins’ roster and their first few rounds of replacement players because Floridians still think this pandemic isn’t real.
The reason why the Dolphins signed me is because I have played football before and my fandom for the Dolphins will make me play hard every down. Of course, when the Fins are signing players who are fans of the team, there’s only like a dozen of us, so, it wasn’t hard to get an opportunity with them.
Jorge Quesadilla: Wakezilla, I’m confused. Why are you wearing 73 in the picture when you are the starting safety and also played non lineman positions?
Wakezilla: Good question, Jorge. To make a long story short, the first Pop Warner team I joined was undefeated for 2 years. Their star player, who was the running back, wore 73 for some unknown reason. So even though I wanted to wear either 21 for Neon Deion Sanders or 31 for Pinball Clemons, I was given 73 because I was the focus on the offense and defense. I’m still choked about having to wear that number. I’ll be wearing a NFL approved safety number on Sunday.
Media Member #3: Leroy Johnson, Miami Herald. Are you not afraid of getting hurt? You are going to be on the field alot and no offence, you look undersized and portly. Also, how were the Dolphins able to fit you under the salary cap?
Wakezilla: You need meat on the bone to play this game, Leroy. It’s true, I will be busy because our offense is. . . retooling. When the team is being replaced by fans, you’re going to expect unfortunate things to happen. Hell, Robotsfightingdinosaurs is our current quarterback and he was signed because he had a Madden twitch stream of him being a QB in franchise mode.
As for what I’m getting paid, well, aside from the league minimum, I’m mostly doing this for a good night’s sleep in an air conditioned room, away from my wife and kids and the heatwave in Alberta. Plus, as you know, as almost every player contracted Covid, the NFL had to make an exception with the salary cap due to the situation in Florida and across America.
Now, if this was August, I would have also said Miami’s offense was retooling. Especially at running back. We were embarrassed by the fact that 36 year old Fitzmagic was the leading rusher last season. Therefore, we signed Jordan Howard this off-season, who is one of the most underrated pure runners in the league. As a rookie, he ran for 1,313 yards and six touchdowns on 252 carries (5.2 YPC). He averaged over 1,000 rushing yards and nine touchdowns during his next two seasons with the Chicago Bears. He was on pace to do the same thing with the Philadelphia Eagles, but injuries cut his season short after just 10 games. He was supposed to be sharing duties with Matt Breida, who is one of the fastest players in the league. Breida is absolutely dangerous in space and has the ability to score a touchdown whenever he gets the ball in space. The biggest issue with Brieda is health. He has never handled more than 179 touches in a single season, and he usually ends up hurt. And that is exactly what happened when Covid hit him hard. Kalen Balage is also there, but, I too am also here and have a better shot at beating his 1 yard per carry average. Why can’t Covid go after the players who play like fans of this team?
Our current batch of receivers, Juan, Jose and Julio are a little undersized and under fed. To be fair, they did just get off the raft and were on their way to Home Depot when Chris Greer, riding in the back of a pickup truck with ICE agents, pulled up and recruited them. These dude are so tough, they chose to play for Miami instead of going straight to an immigration detention center. They can run fast but they keep forgetting that they can use their hands. It’s a cultural thing.
Back in August at wide receiver– it was an area of potential strength, as Devante Parker, Preston Williams and Jakeem Grant would be leading the team. Admittedly, it did hurt that Allen Hurns and Albert Wilson are not with us as they opted not to play this season. But lets be real, Hurns opted to not play because of brain damage and is fighting through CTE that DEFINITELY didn’t happen because of this hit. Even if Wilson didn’t opt out, he’s on the verge of going to ‘I’m about to be pounded in the ass because I’m a piece of shit’ jail for raping a woman. So, he wasn’t going to be useful anyway, especially since prisons have seen huge spikes in Covid19 cases and have higher rates of contracting Covid than the general population.
Of course, Parker isn’t exactly a Wallby Warrior and Preston Williams is coming off a major injury, so they weren’t going to be as fast as we wanted them to be. The reality is, Covid saved their bodies as they are now in Isolation instead of tearing something new. . . And folks say Covid is the worst thing ever.
At QB, I already mentioned Robotsfightingdinosaurs is the QB. He has Dolphins’ minority owner, Serena Williams, breathing down his neck as a backup. It’s such a shame that Dan Marino tried to return and died of Covid in late August. Same with Tebow, who ironically died due to his faith in his God protecting him. With that said, not to sound sexist, but I wish the team would have called Kaep because he actually played pro football before. I still like our chances better than the situation of QB in August. Back then, Fitzmagic was the starting QB. But we also had Tagovailoa and Rosen on the bench. Fitzy is out with cholera. What was unexpected is that in August, Rosen looked better than Tua in camp. Now, Tua is living in Samoa and Rosen is out with Covid.
Now things look dire at offensive line because our current o-line are a bunch of tall and fat guys who were working as truck drivers a couple of weeks ago. But you know what? This offensive line was already ranked the worst before Covid crippled the entire line. It’s a lateral move, really.
All in all, our offense was going to struggle, even if former Dolphins offensive coordinator, 5 Chan. . .
/Wakezilla see confusion on media members’ face
Sorry, inside joke. Chan Gailey, our new OC who— nearly 20 years ago, helped us to our last playoff victory. Gailey replaced Chad O’Shea.
In terms of what we had in August for our D-line, Emmanuel Ogbah and Shaq Lawson are good depth players, but not exactly stars. They are good against the run but not very effective against the air, as evident by the fact both contracted Covid. Christian Wilkins, Davon Godchaux, Raekwon Davis and Zach Sieler are a formidible group, but don’t look so formidable now in the IU at Don Shula Hospital.
Our front 4 of Baron Cobin, Mojo Rawley, Brock Lesnar and Jake Hagger has given us size, speed and if need be, selling capabilities of the other teams’ infractions to draw a penalty against them. This is why it helps to have pro wrestlers on your front line.
At linebacker, our original corps of Van Noy, Jerome Baker, Elandon Roberts and Kamu Grugier-Hill had good depth and was going to be strong against the run. Hell, Raekwon McMillan is still a run-down only player. However, none of these players have sideline to sideline speed, which was going to hurt us. Van Noy was going to be the standout player and everyone was going to pray Baker makes the next step in his development because of his athleticism. Here’s hoping both return next year healthier than ever.
Admittedly, we will struggle in this position because all our linebackers are Covid 19 survivors who owe over a million dollars in hospital payments, so as punishment, they’re playing for the Dolphins so they can pay their debt to their corporate hospital overlords.
Before the second waive decimated us in late August, the strength of the team was going to be our cornerbacks because of Xavien Howard, Byron Jones and first round pick Noah Igbinoghene, who would have likely started as the Dolphins nickel. Pre-Covid, this crew actually looked ready for the playoffs.
But to that I say, have you ever seen a Miami methhead going through withdrawal? Our Corner crew have incentive of getting their next hit and will do anything to get it. The physicality, the speed and the opponents’ fear of the prospect of contracting something from our new set of cornerbacks will still make this corner crew effective.
At best, our original safety crew was average. Eric Rowe played well but there were questions about whether he could stop the run. But we were also hoping someone would emerge as a star among Bobby McCain, Adrian Colbert, Kavon Frazier, Brandon Jones, Clayton Fejedelem. Well guess what? With me as a safety, and my crew of misfits, people are also hoping that we play well and emerge as stars. Am I saying I can do Eric Rowe’s job, and my cohort can do the job of McCain, who is a converted CB, and will struggle against the run? Well, the pre Boomer’s Revenge and current crew have the fanbase hoping they play well, so it’s a wash. Furthermore, if you’re destined to lose a game, does it really matter by how much?
What was also going to be an issue is that in addition to 5Chan, we also have a new DC in Josh Boyer. This defense was due for some hiccups pre Boomer’s Revenge anyway.
In the end, last year our defense ranked last in points allowed per game (30.9), 30th in yards allowed per game (397.8) and 29th in turnovers produced in a season (18), so, fans won’t really notice the difference in talent or results.
As for Special teams, I think we can all agree signing Hope Solo as our kicker and punter was a smart decision. Hell, she has already beaten up a NFL player before.
Any other questions?
Media Reporter 4: David Seville, Florida Times. On the eve of the NFL season, how do you see your team doing this year?
Wakezilla: Oh David. I think it’s adorable that you believe we’re going to finish the season. I guarantee you the season gets cancelled within 6 weeks after hundreds of people contract– and a few of them die– from Covid19 and they can trace first exposure back to a football stadium.
Back in early August, this Dolphins team was really feeling themselves because they were apart of tank nation, but still surprisingly won 5 games, got the 5th overal pick and still manage to select their prime target of Tua; the guy they were tanking for to begin with. This year was going to be no different than last year; have the team develop while still being the drizzling shits so they can get another good prospect.Realistically, the Dolphins team in early August will be happy with 5 wins, and thrilled with 6 wins, as long as the team showed fight and character.
Now I know our makeshift team is a bunch of rag tag citizens thrown together because the NFL rather have us play than cancel the season, but I still see us winning 5 games. We will likely win 6 games because in true Dolphins tradition, that will be just bad enough to take us out of a top 5 spot and screw our chances of getting that franchise player. It has been foretold in the prophesies, as evident by our annual win-loss record over the past 20 years.
Any other questions?
/Wakezilla scans the room.
No? Thank you for your time. Go Phins.