Cookiethulhu here! It seems as if Beastmode Ate My Baby was supposed to do this year’s preview of the Seattle football team, but he decided to bugger off for parts unknown instead.

Quite rude, I must say.

So with the assignment pending, I offered to step in and write it up myself. How hard could it be? After all, I’m an elder god spawned from the very pits of chaos! I’ve seen a thing or two in my time, let me tell you! Now I don’t know every niggling little detail about every team, but after a self-taught crash course I must say that I do feel rather impressed with my newfound knowledge about the NFL franchise currently residing in the Emerald City.

So without further ado, here is your preview for the 2020 Seattle Seagulls!

Now to start off with, in my hour of painstaking research I’ve come across the rather pithy phrase, “Defense wins championships.” To achieve this end, most teams seem to rely on a strong defensive line full of crazed men weighing well over 20 stone who would like nothing better than to hang the head of the opposing quarterback over their fireplace mantle.

Pish tosh, says Pete Carroll. Pish tosh!

Coach Carroll has seen the future, and the future is safeties! That’s right, after securing the services of Quandre Diggs last season, the team traded away two first-round picks, a third-rounder, a herd of cattle, two dozen chickens, a vestal virgin and a cask of wine for Jamal Adams, a rather talented strong safety who was once a Jet, which means that it’s likely that he was in fact built by Boeing and is thus merely returning to his point of origin.

At any rate, this tandem is set to revolutionize the game itself, rendering a defensive line nearly obsolete. Certainly that’s the hope of the Sea Lions. If they have to rely on their defensive line to win the day, they’re in for a bit of a damp squib. Their current defensive end lineup has some 17 combined years of NFL experience, which would be a tad more impressive if nearly half those years hadn’t been accumulated by a single journeyman with a 20 sack career.

Those numbers are positively stellar when compared to the defensive tackles, however. Losing Al Woods and Quinton Jefferson has left Seattle relying on a returning Jarran Reed and Poona Ford. Reed lost six games and several litres of mojo last season, while Ford has yet to live up to the expectations garnered by his smashing name. Backing them up will be a chap named Christmas and another named Mone, which should yield all sorts of rubbish comments from the announcers if they ever combine for a sack on the opposing quarterback.

Now while the safety duo of Q&A will likely receive little to no help from the defensive line, they will be assisted by veteran linebackers Bobby Wagner and KJ Wright, as well cornerback Shaquill Griffin and his partner, which will be whichever corner avoids arrest and/or team expulsion. But they are merely ancillary players in the new Seattle scheme, in which safeties tread the earth like living gods and opposing quarterbacks wet their knickers in fear!

And speaking of quarterbacks, I’ve learned that it’s a good idea for a team to protect their own! So with that in mind, Seattle has secured the services of no less than twelve eleven men to man their offensive line (correction made due to Chance Warmack wisely avoiding the team, the season, and thus the plague). No doubt some combination of them will be up to the task of throwing their bodies into the path of a rampaging Aaron Donald before the Ram can convince Russell Wilson to be his co-star in an updated version of Bambi Meets Godzilla.

As for Russell himself, once again the lion’s share of the offense will rest on his $140,000,000.00 shoulders. The running game is in a bit of the shambles, what with Rashaad Penny recovering from an injury, Chris Carson waiting for his next one, and recent arrival Carlos Hyde turning 30 as the season begins. So Wilson will have to rely on his receivers, Tyler Lockett and DK Metcalf. And I do understand that there are other receivers on the team right now, but it is my assumption that they’ll all be let go to make room for the plethora of offensive linemen that will be needed to keep Nick Bosa from stomping Russell Wilson into a pile of mince.

Fortunately, Metcalf is a mountain of a man. Twice as tall as any of the other Seattle Seabiscuit receivers [citation needed], Metcalf is also capable of outrunning even the fastest defender and it’s said that he spends his off-season wrestling bears and racing cheetahs to stay in shape [another citation needed]. He should likely develop as Wilson’s top target over the season, unless they run short of linemen and he’s pressed into service as a starting guard.

The other receivers are known as tight ends, and Seattle seems to be stockpiling them.Third-year player Will Dissly is set to be an elite player at this position, assuming that he can finally make it past the season’s sixth game. The rumor that the Seabees have brought on a surplus of rookies just to harvest their parts for Dissly is just that: a rumor.

Probably.

If I’ve learned anything at all from my long minutes of investigation, it’s that special teams are key to a successful team. So who are the key special teams players on the Seaworthy team? Well we have Jason Myers as the kicker, one of the two players on the team whose foot actually makes contact with the ball. Myers went to Marist College, a fine liberal arts institution which has turned out exactly one NFL draft pick since 1960! And it wasn’t even Myers! I say, going from finger painting and reciting dreadful poetry written by 17^th century sex deviants to kicking a ball through the ruddy goal posts 82.14% of the time is quite the accomplishment! Good show, Mr. Myers!

The other true footballer is Michael Dickson, who is only called in when Seattle has given up the ghost. So it’s on him to keep the game from going completely pear-shaped and boot the bloody thing away, leaving his mates to leg it down the field. Bit of a tosh position, which is probably why the Sea Monkeys have to continually go outside American borders to find a player to fill it.

Now I’ve heard that I’m supposed to have a prediction to end this bit of bollocks. Granted, the recent plague may tilt the season a tad, especially if my old friend Nergal goes balls-out. But if all things are equal I can’t say I’m optimistic. Oh, the lads’ll give it a good welly and probably beat the Patriots early on and maybe nick a win here or there against the Rams or the Niners. But they’ll likely go 7-9 and miss the playoffs, then sit at home and laugh as the Niners lose to the Ravens in the Super Bowl.

So there you have it, lads and ladies! Your official preview of the 2020 Seattle Return of the Seacaucus Seven!