Never Mind, I’ll Do It Myself: Your 2020 Houston Texans Preview

There is a running gag at Door Flies Open that the Houston Texans are a fictional NFL team, so nondescript and devoid of character that they recede into the background and are rendered invisible.

Well, Texans coach and GM Bill O’Brien must be a fan of DFO, because he seems to be trying to will this conceit into existence. O’Brien added control of the front office to his duties as coach in June 2019 after the Texans fired GM Brian Gaine. He promptly did the following:

  • Traded DE Jadeveon Clowey to the Seahawks for a bag of magic beans.
  • Acquired OT Laremy Tunsil from the Dolphins for a king’s ransom.
  • Having no choice given Tunsil’s leverage based on the trade assets, gave him a contract far above his level of play.

The Texans’ ownership was so impressed with O’Brien’s flawless resource management that they rewarded him with the official title of GM in January 2020. Newly emboldened, O’Brien crafted his masterpiece, trading WR D’Andre Hopkins to the Cardinals for a ’73 Ford Pinto and a Subway punch card with eight holes punched.

All of this is to say that Bill O’Brien has decided that Deshaun Watson is good enough that he doesn’t need any other players to win. And he’s betting his season on this crazy experiment. Why? Well, maybe he wants to challenge himself. Maybe he wants to challenge Watson. And maybe he’s just watched Baseball Bugs too many times.

The thing is…maybe Deshaun Watson IS good enough.

There is only one QB in the NFL that I’d feel comfortable saying is definitively better than Watson, and that’s Patrick Mahomes, who is an alien and shouldn’t count. Watson has excellent production, he’s big in big moments, and that team would follow him off a cliff. Is there enough on the rest of the team? Let’s have a look.

OFFENSE

The Texans may have traded Hopkins, but a WR corps of Will Fuller, Brandin Cooks, Kenny Stills, and Randall Cobb is probably still enough, especially if Fuller can stay on the field and Cooks doesn’t have any anvils fall on his head. RB David Johnson (acquired in the Hopkins deal) is past his prime, but may have enough left in a better situation than he had last year with the Cardinals. I mean, Carlos Hyde ran for 1,070 yards as a Texan last year. CARLOS HYDE. The team also returns the entire starting OL from last year, a first in Bill O’Brien’s tenure. The line ranked 8th in pass blocking last year according to ESPN, and another year of familiarity can’t hurt.

DEFENSE

This is less promising. The Texans’ defense once boasted big names like Clowney, Mario Williams, Johnathan Joseph, A.J. Bouye, and DeMeco Ryans. Now the headliners are a declining Whitney Mercilus and a still great but oft-injured J.J. Watt. The linebackers are average at best, and two first-round busts (Gareon Conley and Vernon Hargreaves) currently sit atop the CB depth chart. On the other hand, the team is high on three defensive rookies. NT Ross Blacklock is expected to start, and CB John Reid and DL Jacob Martin are earning raves in camp. The defense fell from 7th in DVOA for 2018 to 26th in 2019, so maybe a dead cat bounce gives them a boost.

SCHEDULE

The Texans have the 8th hardest schedule in the NFL this year, based on their opponents’ records in 2019. They face the AFC North this year, which boasts three possible playoff teams. It doesn’t start promisingly, as their first three games are against the Chiefs, Ravens, and Steelers. Oof. It gets a little better after that, but that also depends on how you see the AFC South this year. The Titans were encouraged by their playoff success and ran it all back, the Colts are looking for big things after acquiring QB Philip Rivers, and the Jags are trying to defy the laws of physics by going 0-17 in only 16 games.

OUTLOOK

Everyone is cool on the Texans this season based on Bill O’Brien’s wacky roster construction and expectations for the Titans and Colts. But as bad a GM as O’Brien has been, he’s been a very good head coach, and has won his division with worse teams than this one. I think the receivers are fine, and Deshaun Watson can work with them. I see the Texans and Titans as co-favorites in the division with the Colts just a hair behind. But will they win the division?

PREDICTION

9-7, AFC South Champions. Sorry, I’m not betting on Ryan Tannehill.

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Don T

Watson is incredible. I loved this post.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I like the idea of Deshaun Watson being alone in a hostile desert in his uniform. We know he can be at least as good of an actor as Mel Gibson, but without the alcoholic bigotry.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Gibson’s most compelling scene ever filmed.comment image?w=450&ssl=1

Last edited 3 years ago by Viva La Tabula Raza
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’ll admit that he really shows emotion on his face in this scene, agreed it is his best work.

King Hippo

I enjoyed this FITBAW! previewage, most impressive detail FOAR a non-supporter.

/also here is Brandon Perna, who is on the Hippo Wavelength in predicting a full 16-game season, all 32 squadrons:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYIs8cmXzDo&pp=wgIECgIIAQ%3D%3D&feature=push-sd&attr_tag=TuRaVKSVlZQsxN6a%3A6

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Wooops, repost.

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litre_cola

Subway card with 8 holes punched is a little old for me – J. Fogle

The Maestro

Houston Texans fans are nerdier than Star Wars or Harry Potter fans. Imagine what they could’ve done with their lives if they chose to invest their time time & energy into something that actually existed.

Game Time Decision

They could have had level 27 healers in D&D’s by now.

LemonJello

“!?! LEVEL 27 HEALER !?!??”
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Dunstan

(rolls eyes) I see someone hasn’t upgraded to D&D 5th edition yet.

Sharkbait

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Says the guy who played on a hockey team called the ‘Nerd Herd” for a few years…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Big words coming from a guy who is posting on a thread that does not exist.

blaxabbath
Last edited 3 years ago by blaxabbath
blaxabbath

<blockquote class=”twitter-tweet”><p lang=”en” dir=”ltr”>Bill O’Brien heading to his office to trade Deshaun Watson and JJ Watt for Josh Rosen <a href=”https://t.co/W7K8zaiVt5″>pic.twitter.com/W7K8zaiVt5</a></p>&mdash; SKop (@SKop11237065) <a href=”https://twitter.com/SKop11237065/status/1301545320141135872?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw”>September 3, 2020</a></blockquote> <script async src=”https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js” charset=”utf-8″></script>

blaxabbath

I don’t know how our comments work.

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blaxabbath

 RB David Johnson (acquired in the Hopkins deal) is past his prime, but may have enough left in a better situation than he had last year with the Cardinals.

Pretty sure Johnson’s sophomore season was his prime. He is a good pass catcher though.

And I like Watson a lot.

And, I hate to admit this, the Subway commercial with the Watts having a franchise at their home and asking what is on the BMT is pretty funny. I have only seen this commercial once though so…..

Last edited 3 years ago by blaxabbath
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This fantasy story about this mythical “Houston Texans” franchise needs more sorcery. And would it kill you to add a dragon character or two? Oh, and a talking sword, those are always cool.

Horatio Cornblower

Ooh, ooh, and then you could write like, uh, 4-5 more of these, never quite getting to an ending, then promise to wrap it up in 1-2 more stories but never actually write them, then let 2 guys do the whole thing in video form,but have them completely fuck up the ending and wrap it up with a selling bee analysis or some shit!

But what kind of a sociopath would do that?