Time: A few months ago.
A bearded man wearing a baseball cap, a golf shirt, basketball shorts, and tennis shoes squints his eyes open as he wakes up from what seems like a long dream. He looks for his computer to log on to the site he writes for, but he can’t see anything beyond a very white light.
TWBS: WILL SOMEBODY TURN THE FUCKING LIGHT OFF? I’M DRUNK, NOT BLIND!
Mysterious Voice: And I’m not deaf, asshole. Quit with the yelling!
TWBS: Who the fuq are you? Or, more precisely, where the fuck are you? I can’t see shit.
Mysterious Voice: Okay, fine. Let me turn it down a notch.
The light dims slightly revealing that TWBS is perched on what seems to be a puffy cloud. There are two gates made of gold and an old man standing behind a lectern in front of him.
TWBS: No. Fucking. Way.
St. Peter: I’m afraid so, old chap.
TWBS: Are you SHITTING ME?!?
St. Peter: Ok, seriously. Are you going to continue with the bad language?
TWBS: You just called me an asshole!
St. Peter: Was I wrong?
St. Peter: Alright then, let’s get down to business.
(St. Peter looks down at the lectern where the Book Of Seamus’ Life is spread out before him)
St. Peter: I have to say, for someone that didn’t believe in God, you’ve done pretty well for yourself!
TWBS: Wait. Are you telling me there IS a God?
St. Peter: Yup. Sorry to burst your bubble, but yes.
TWBS: Ok, then is God Catholic? Protestant? Jewish? Muslim? Mormon? Which one of my asshole friends was right?
St. Peter: You’ll get the answer as soon as you walk through these gates. I’ll tell you one thing, though. It may surprise you.
TWBS: You really know how to put someone in suspense, Petey Boy.
St. Peter: You’re giving me attitude? Really?
TWBS: Look man, I didn’t ask to be here. Truth be told, I had a lot of shit going on down there. I was starting up another series where I was going to Canada. I’m sure everyone was going to love it!
St. Peter: How much sex were you going to put in it?
TWBS: Welllll, the last one went a little overboard, so…
St. Peter: Dude, you should have added more. Fuck them if they can’t take a joke. Anyways, it’s never a good time for anyone but here we are.
TWBS: Do you think I could at least go down there one more time to say goodbye to everyone? You know I love closure!
St. Peter: Jesu…. Um, uh, Fuck! You and your fucking closure! If I tell you that everything will be fine once you pass these gates, will you give it a rest?
TWBS: Why should I trust you?
St. Peter: I can’t believe you’re fucking arguing with me right now.
TWBS: Look at you, Saint Potty Mouth! Did your Virgin Mother teach you those words?
St. Peter: Well, I…
TWBS: And another thing. How long is this going to take? If what’s behind there is Heaven, then I’m thinking I’ve got 18 holes with naked cart girls and Starbucks baristas waiting for me!
St. Peter: Yes, but there is one important thing we must do before you can enter.
TWBS: What’s that, dicknuts?
St. Peter: You must recognize that there is a God.
TWBS: Wait, but didn’t you tell me before that it was ok that I didn’t believe in God?
St. Peter: Well, it was fine when you were down there, but now that you’re up here it’s kinda rude not to acknowledge God. It’s like going to a party and not saying hi to the host and thanking them for inviting you.
TWBS: No one invited me. I didn’t want to be here. I should still be down there!
St. Peter: Dude. I’m offering you eternal happiness. The secrets of the universe will be revealed to you. You will experience love beyond your own comprehension. All you have to do is acknowledge God’s existence.
St. Peter: What???
TWBS: Not gonna do it.
St. Peter: Why not?
TWBS: If God is so great, why can’t he send me back? I have a ton of stuff left to do!
St. Peter: That’s not how it works.
TWBS: Why not?
St. Peter: Because it isn’t.
TWBS: But it could be.
St. Peter: But it isn’t!
TWBS: But it could be!
St. Peter: Look. I’m not doing a Chad Johnson thing with you.
TWBS: Ochocinco. Get it right.
St. Peter: Ok. That’s how it is, huh?
TWBS: Get my ass back there and we’ll talk.
St. Peter: Look. You were a kind person that cared for people you never even met face to face. You gave your all to anyone that asked and even those that didn’t. You’ve earned a place up here even if you are an asshole.
TWBS: So let me in then.
St. Peter: Man, you are an argumentative fuck. Did your friends put up with that shit when you were down there?
TWBS: For the most part. The good ones did.
St. Peter: Ok, I’ll make a deal with you.
TWBS: So God is Jewish!!
St. Peter: For fuck’s sake! Stop it! That’s not what I meant!
St. Peter: You don’t even know what that means!
TWBS: Wait. I really like bacon. Is there no bacon in heaven?
St. Peter (exasperated): Yes, there IS bacon in heaven. No, that does not mean anything as far as if God is Jewish or not Jewish.
TWBS (proud of himself): Aha! I got some information out of you!
St. Peter (slapping his forehead and shaking his head like the redheaded kid in the banner image): Dude, I’m done. I’ll catch you on the other side.
TWBS is instantly transported by a swirling wind from his spot next to St. Peter onto a deep dark forest. He sees a clearing and starts walking towards it. As soon as he steps into the sunlight, though, his path is blocked by a leopard, a lion, and a she-wolf.
He runs back into the forest, not sure what to do. At that instance, he sees a figure of a man walking towards him.
TWBS: Who are you? Didya see that shit? A fucking she-wolf, a lion, and a leopard are out there! Watch out, man!
Mysterious figure: Yeah, I know. I’m here to help you.
TWBS: Balls?!? What the fuck are you doing here? Are you dead?
BALLS: No. I’m not dead. I’m probably sleeping after drinking a shitload of tequila and dreaming a really fucked up dream. Anyhoo, I’m here to guide you.
TWBS: Guide me where?
BALLS: That’s probably not the right question to ask.
TWBS: Then what is the right question to ask?
BALLS: Got some tunes, bitch?
Balls shoots a finger gun and a song starts playing.
BALLS: Follow me.