Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 120)

The scene: The second floor of Doktor Zymm’s RV, where Brocky is currently waking up. He’s slid out of his bed and onto the floor, which evidently happens now and then as he shrugs it off, puts on his pants, and combs his hair. Yawning, he stretches his arms and grabs a doughnut out of a near-empty Diggler’s box, and heads downstairs. As he eats his doughnut, he notices the little things wrong with the RV. Like the fact that everything inside is strewn about and the floor is at a 20 degree angle.

Finishing his doughnut, he takes a peek into the cockpit, only to find it abandoned, with sand and dirt covering the windshield.

Brocky: Huh.

Seeing the door is halfway open, Brocky squeezes through it and wanders outside, to find the RV has crashed nose-first into the desert floor of the Wasteland. The front of the RV is buried in dirt and gravel, while the rear wheels are several inches off the ground.

Brocky: Huh.

Wandering to the back of the RV, Brocky sees a pair of feet sticking out from under the vehicle. Frowning, Brocky digs away at the dirt around the feet, carving out a trench. Then he grabs hold of the feet and pulls as hard as he can. He pulls the dirt-covered body out a few inches, then digs some more and pulls again. This goes on for a good hour, until a sweaty, tired Brocky pulls the figure out from under the RV only to find out it’s…

Brocky: PK?!! What the hell, man?

PK (groggy and covered in dirt): Am I dead?

Brocky (angry): What the hell are you doing here? What have you done with Beerguyrob?

PK (dirty, groggy and confused): Who? What? Who…?

Brocky, still holding PK’s legs, starts shoving the other man back under the RV. PK, in turn, starts screeching.

Brocky (angry): Get back under there, you jerk!

PK (screeching): Stop it! What’d I ever do to you?

Brocky: You tied me to a chair, dickweed!

PK (trying to hold onto the RV): I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Don’t put me back under the RV! I think beetles nested in my man bun under there!

Brocky (still shoving): You deserve it! It took me forever to get out of that chair!

PK: I won’t do it again! I promise! PLEEEEEEAAAAAA –

Brocky (trying to cover his ears while still shoving): Will you stop that…

PK: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSEEEE!!!

Brocky: Gah! All right, all right. Just stop your damn shrieking!

Brocky lets go of PK, and PK stumbles to his feet. He shakes his man bun vigorously and dirt, gravel, twigs, beetles and half of a doughnut fall out of it.

PK (picking up the doughnut): Oh boy! I thought I’d lost this!

Brocky: Gross, man. Just throw that thing away…

PK brushes a few ants off the doughnut and happily eats it.

PK (happily, with a mouth full of doughnut): Wow, I feel better already!

Brocky: You’re disturbed, man. Hanging out with that nutso clone really broke your brain.

PK (swallowing the doughnut): Aw, don’t say that! She’s really nice, once you get to know her.

Brocky: Pass. But how the hell did the RV end up out here? Rob said we were going to Iguana Mart.

PK (shrugging): I guess the Empress stole it. But she was running away from this other woman, and then me an’ Otto tried to help Horatio and his monkey and…

Brocky: Wait, what?!! Look, you’re gonna have to start from the beginning…

Cut to: Covalent Blonde’s new monster truck, which is packed full of Iguana Mart merch, DFOers, and DFO-adjacent lifeforms. Covalent Blonde is driving(!), while Beerguyrob and Brick Meathook sit next to her in the front seat. In the back seat are WCS, Mr. Ayo and Lemonjello. The truck is currently tearing across the landscape, in search of Doktor Zymm’s RV.

Brick Meathook: I have to say, it feels like this RV of yours just fell off the face of the earth. We found a few miles of tracks, and then it just disappeared.

Beerguyrob: Yeah, but that means one of two things. Either the time machine kicked in and it’s who-knows-when now, or…

Covalent Blonde: Or Rikki hit the rockets and it’s up in space.

Brick Meathook: It can go into space?

Covalent Blonde: Oh, yeah. Otto and Pirate Sloth flew it to the moon to rescue Horatio and Moosemas Gorilla.

Beerguyrob: Weren’t you there, too?

Covalent Blonde (snorting): As if I’d need saving!

Brick Meathook: I think I need more of that banana weed…

Mr. Ayo (passing forward a banana pipe): Here you go.

Who says HRTN isn’t educational?

Covalent Blonde: Hey! Are you guys smoking weed in my new truck?

Brick Meathook (rolling down the window): I’ll just exhale out the window…

Covalent Blonde: Damn it, I am gonna kill you guys!

Beerguyrob: Take it easy, CB. Priorities, remember? We’re looking for Rikki out here.

Covalent Blonde casts a dirty side-eye at Brick as he tries to ignore her and blow smoke out the window.

WCS (from the back): Hey could we stop soon?

Covalent Blonde: No! You guys basically commandeered my truck to go hunting for Rikki, who’s probably dead in space right now, so that’s what we’re gonna do!

WCS: But I really need to…you know…

Covalent Blonde: Oh, for…

Mr. Ayo: Me, too! We did put back a few at the Tiki bar.

Covalent Blonde: I swear, you guys can just hold it until…

Brick Meathook: I wouldn’t mind a rest stop myself. I grabbed a few beers at the bar after you tried to kill me, and all this bouncing in the truck has my bladder really…

Covalent Blonde: Gah! Fine! I’ll pull over! Just stop talking about your bladder!

Covalent Blonde brakes and steers hard, bringing the monster truck to a spinning stop near a clifftop in a cloud of dust and dirt. Brick Meathook gets a face full of it from the open window.

Brick Meathook (glaring): I think you did that on purpose…

WCS (from the back seat): Let’s go, man! I really need to whizz out those Tiki drinks…

Grumbling, Brick Meathook gets out of the truck, and WCS and Mr. Ayo follow. They make their way to the overhang and with a trio of relieved sighs, whizz over the cliff.

Brick Meathook (smoking and whizzing): Ahh… Best feeling in the world!

WCS (whizzing and glancing over): Dude, you still have the pipe!

Mr. Ayo (whizzing and looking down the cliffside): Umm…guys…?

Brick Meathook (as he inhales): Oops. Sorry about that. Look, I’ll wipe my hands off really thoroughly before I give it back.

WCS: Ick! No way, dude! Just keep it. I really don’t want your junk’s germs on anything I’m smoking.

Mr. Ayo (with concern): Guys, look…

Brick Meathook (still whizzing): Oh, aren’t we so fancy? Let me tell you, when I was staking out a mob killer I lived in my car for two weeks! I didn’t even have a cliff to piss off of! I just had a Mountain Dew bottle!

WCS: Oh, thanks for sharing! I’ll just scratch the Dew off of my beverage list now…

Mr. Ayo (pointing down the cliff): GUYS! LOOK!

Brick Meathook (squinting): At what? That big boulder we’ve been pissing on…?

WCS: Wait a minute, it moved… Crap, have I been pissing on another rockman? I don’t wanna get my head skwidged!

Brick Meathook: No, it’s not a rockman. It’s too furry. And it looks like it has several legs…

WCS: Yeah, looks like…eight of them?

Mr. Ayo: Which would mean we’ve been whizzing on a…

Brick Meathook and WCS (in unison): GIANT SPIDER!!!

To be continued…

 

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Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook

Dang! I kinda star in this one!

The Canadians will think I’m a racist (which is not true) but the joke’s on them because I’m also a Canadian citizen!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[hugs HRTN]

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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R.I.P.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gumbygirl

(Gumbygirl bounces up and down) More! MORE!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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LemonJello

How I imagine Beastmode keeping track of all the plot threads in HRTN:

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Would Mr. Beastmode’s be three dimensional? Strings coming out of the board that would catch unsuspecting people coming into the room around the throat.

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LemonJello

I hope so.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Four dimensional.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Dunstan

“NOW we’re talkin’!” — Jon Peters

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brocky

Fun fact, me and peter king have the same birthday.

So does Kate Upton if you wanna tie that in.

Now I’m curious, next chapter will I be tired of Peter’s sports talk, or will i be spitting facts to his biased ass?

Seriously, the first superbowl I ever watched was the one were favre lost

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Which is my favorite. My first was Dallas v. Baltimore, that I vaguely remember anyway.

WCS

No worries, I know how to handle this.
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Game Time Decision

Arania Exumai

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

SOOOOOON!!

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ballsofsteelandfury

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LemonJello

¡¡BORBLE!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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LemonJello

бурбле

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ballsofsteelandfury

I don’t know what I was more disappointed by: The fact that PK is still alive or the fact that Brocky put on pants.

Brocky

I mean, I gotta wear my bears pajama pants ?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Maybe we should try chaps.

litre_cola

I can see the last scene like a Scooby cartoon when Shaggy and Scoob realize the monster at the same time.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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