Hello, one and all. We have had one hellscape of a year, and as much as I can’t say we deserve any better…we sure as shit needed the warmth and comfort of a legitimate NFL season.
It was like the return of an old, dear friend. Andy Reid’s Superb Owl seems like it was 20 years ago. September is finally here. Heck, even the social justice initiatives – while no doubt triggered by the desire to protect the League’s cash-printing machine – seem at least partially sincere. I truly think some hearts and minds have been changed, and the players have taken real ownership. It certainly helps to have thoughtful, intelligent men like Mahomes, Watson, and Dak! in the forefront.
For the love of Christ, I think even Goodell is playing things correctly. He’s not been hogging the limelight, and keeping the cartel of (mostly) evil owners quiet. That’s no small beer.
Again, players taking ownership – the Union insisted on very rigorous protocols, and got everything they asked for. It certainly seems like they are working, or giving everyone the best chance possible.
To the fixtures, lads and ladyfolk.
[Hippo-To-English subtitles provided by the Church of the Immaculate Deception, Rev. E. Mayhem presiding. Welcome home.]
Our early window featured not one, but THREE of the unlikeliest comebacks you’ll ever want to see. Most remarkably, the Redacteds [Washington Football Team] ran off 27 in a row, climbing out of a 17-nil hole. How on earth could that happen? Well, Dakota Jeebus [North Dakota State’s own Carson Wentz] is still a problem. It’s very hard for an idiot to make it as an NFL quartered back, at least for any significant length of time. OL play was pretty suspect, too. I am typing this before SNF, but I think it’s safe to pencil Dallas in as NFC Least champions. [Even after losing to the Rams, still a solid Week 1 Reaction]. I don’t see how it could be anyone else. [I look forward to Joe Judge demanding that the Giants start the game over on Monday after they suck out loud for the first 23 minutes].
#2 – after three absolute, shittastic quarters of FITBAW…Bollo found his inner Verdad [literally “Biscuit of Truth” Mitch Trubisky], tossing 3 TDs in Q4. Fuck Lions’ [redundant] 23-6 lead was no more, but the fuckwits still would have won…if not for D’Andre Swift dropping as easy a TD catch as one will ever see. [Never trust a man whose last name is just a little too on-point for his job]. Who knows whether this will be a turning point for Chi**** and their titty-kissing aficianado QB (still only a 6.7 YPA, so wouldn’t be negotiating any extension)? [Nope. As detailed in the season preview, the Lions secondary is just that bad]. But we sure know Detroit remains Detroit. [As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end.]
King Laserface [Phillip Rivers] took his West Coast act to the Land of Gravy [Indiana], and proved he hadn’t missed a beat. No, I don’t think he reproduced yet again…but he put up YUUUGE passing numbers in such fashion as to score as few points as humanly possible. They looked off to the races after two quick Nyheim “on Hippo’s bench” Hines scores, but only managed two FGs in the last 35 minutes of action. Despite 363 yards passing, and a healthy 7.9 YPA. Minshew Mania [mustache aficionado Gardner Minshew] put 27 on the board for the Jaguras, and comeback #3 was in the books. [I have no words.]
But not everything changed. The Adam Gase Jest are still liquid ass. [Woo!] Brokeback QB [Wyoming alum Josh Allen] ran the ball 12 times in the first half, leading to 21 points (and an estimated funeral date of late October). [Yeah. Not feeling great about the reckless running or the two lost fumbles.] Final score was 27-17, but that’s only because the 2nd half was pure cruise control. [Also, giant injury holes in Buffalo’s linebacking corps. Or corpse.] Remember what I said earlier about Dakota Jeebus’ brain? Sam Darnold is just uncomfortable to watch. [Does mono eat your brain like syphilis?]
New England? [Boo] Still mercilessly competent. [BOOOOOOOOOO!] Cam Newton looked reasonably healthy, and managed the game well. [Letting Miami hang around that long though- not promising]. The P*ts ran a lot, and let their defense make plays. Almost like if you let the BloodSugarFitzMagic [Dolphins’ caretaker QB Ryan Fitzpatrick] LOLfins [self-explanatory] beat themselves…they’ll surely do it. 21-11 is an aesthetically pleasing score, too. [BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO]
Those Jest might be (ok, surely are) liquid ass, but what does that make #ThePauls? [Cleveland Browns, named for their famous coach Paul Brown. And resemblance to turds]. When you lose 38-6, and the score seems somehow deceptively close? You got fucking problems. Baker Mayfield continues to have no impulse control, and they fumbled on a fake punt. Womp womp. Lamar! [Jackson] was his usual Lamar! self, running and passing at will. YPA differential was 11.0 to 4.8. Ratbirds [Ravens] and Chefs [great googlymoogly] do meet up on 28 September. Just might want to tune into that one.
Minny-SEW-ta and Green Bay put up video game scores, but very few of the Vikes’ scores had the slightest meaning. [It’s 2020. Nothing has meaning.] A.A. Ron [Rodgers] seems like he has a mighty big chip on his shoulder, and wants to prove a point. Or maybe we’ve all been overrating the Vikings. [Cue “why not both?” taco girl gif]. I dunno. 43-34, nice palindrome hustle. [/Slaps ass. Hard.]
Teddy Ballgame [Bridgewater] almost completed a nice comeback, but the Black Panthers still had to play defense. And that didn’t work out so hot. Vegas re-took the lead at 34-30, then the ex-BayBay coach [ex-Baylor coach Matt Rhule] got cute with a FB draw on 4th and a foot. You know, it’s like you should maybe not use the best RB in the NFC as a decoy there? I still maintain that Vegas is a 6 or 7-win team, this should be a turrible season in CLT. [Assuming Charlotte, although possibly a comment on single women’s narrowed sexual choices in a COVID dating world]
OK, I lied about not being able to complain about anything. Yes, my FITBAW gratitude is strong. BUT FUCK MRSA DREAMBOAT IN ALL THE FUCKHOLES, TO FUCK AND BACK AGAIN. [Tampa QB Tom Brady]. Even more so, fuck all the meee-jia ball gurgling, especially by the shameless, dickless Troy and Joe. [Amen, although DFO supports consensual ball gurgling in private]. They made so many fucking excuses for Brady’s failures, it was like #12 was a cop who had just shot a black teenager seven times. In the back.
Forget “great” – Tom Brady is no longer even good. That’s been true for some time, and it’s really true in a Bruce Arians offense that he has less than zero ability to run. He’s gonna take hits, he can’t make downfield throws. [Bruce Arians comes from the Mike Martz “If He Dies, He Dies” school of Quarterback protection]. 6.6 YPA, 2 picks. Yes, they scored 23 points (including an opening drive TD – though that was almost exclusively bailout BLEERGHs [penalties, named for the DFO God of Fouls, for whom yellow flags are unto praise), but the game was never in doubt from about mid-Q2. Gronk is also completely cooked. [Hemorhagic HantaSyphilis will do that to you].
Anyway, get ready for some schadenfreude. Grumblelord/Newton 1, MRSA Dreamboat nil. That margin will increase, perhaps dramatically.
When RedZone lowered itself to cover the other late games (you know, NOT the one that was on broadcast TV to 98% of the country), you saw some pretty good action! Joe Burrow showed great poise for a Week 1 rookie, not even accounting for the #NuAIDS [COVID] weirdness. But that reputed “improved” OL must have gotten shy and called in sick. They were ass. Still, Burrow led TeamWKRP [Bengals] to the 3 yard line, with just 12 seconds remaining. Then threw the winning….wait, no. They called AJ Green for a borderline push-off. So, enter Fat Kicker [Randy Bullock, listed at a svelte 205] to take us to overt…you know how this ends. He misses the chippie by a country mile, holds his hamstring in pain and/or pure embarrassment. 16-13, Clippers du Merde. [Literally “Clippers of Shit, after another team that abandoned San Diego to become LA’s desperate sidepiece]. Fucking ouch. Poor Redshirt.
Qardinals/Tomsulas [Arizona/ San Francisco] was pretty sleepy (for a Mad Max wildfire hellscape game) for three quarters. Then Murray runs one in from 20+, giving his side a 17-13 lead, only for Janeane [Jimmy Garoppolo] and Pals to immediately strike back, 20-17. Kyler calmly returned the favoUr, meaning Santa Clara would need a TD or bust. They got in FG range and stalled out, that “Losing Superb Owl Hangover” effect looking real yet again. Statistically, Ms. Garofolo vastly outplayed Mr. Murray…but could not make the crucial plays down the stretch. That’s becoming sommet of a theme for the Baby Shanny-era Tomsulas.
Oh shit, I totes forgot about SeaTruthers/Falcons. As I imagine most of y’all have, as well. Russell Wilson is still really good, and Matty Ice [Matt Ryan]is still just good enough to put up yardage and point totals…but not win. Younghoe sure can onside kick, though. 38-25 was the final.
Finally, DAK! [Prescott] goes to SoCal for the last action of the day/night. We call our beloved gladiator sport “football” (ok, FITBAW!!), but it’s generally best if one can limit same to kicking off. Point of order – RRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! had much more, sustained offensive drives in the first 30′ – but settled for 3 FG attempts (one of which missed). Whereas the Non-Gendered Cowpersons [Dallas] really only had two deep drives in the first half – but two touched downs (they also missed a really long FG). 14-13 DAL at the half, with Dak! looking very good. [Was seriously hoping the Oculus would crash to the field and crush both teams. And Skip Bayless. No such luck.] So, with N-GCp getting the 2nd half kickoff, I expected the game to decisively turn in their fashion. Uh, nope. Derpy-assed Q3 ends at 20-17 to the Fashion Criminals of LA. [Seriously- in a town as fashion- and image-conscious as Los Angeles, how did they end up with those Arena League designs?] Q4? Let me introduce you to Cap’n BlueBunny’s [Mike McCarthy’s] play calling. Capped off by a pretty weak OPI call, and 20-17 it ends.