Despite controlling one-third of the world’s landmass and one-quarter of its population at its peak in the late 19th century, one really has to wonder if the English are even civilized in the first place. As Indian historian and MP Dr. Shashi Tharoor stated in a 2015 speech at Oxford University, “No wonder the sun never set on the British Empire… even God couldn’t trust the English in the dark.”

In G.J. Renier’s The English: Are They Human?, the author sets out to examine why the English are the way they are; it’s not an easy task. Despite the title being absolutely hilarious, the book itself is somewhat humorous, but overall quite academic. This, to me, is quite disappointing. Thus, I am setting out to improve upon his work, and find some case studies that properly shed light on what makes the English such an absurd people. Fortunately, there’s so much out there to choose from. After careful research, it is my conclusion that the English cannot be considered human.

Why?

Well, for this week’s reason, they insist that their royalty also rule over whales.

ON WHALE SOVEREIGNTY

Date: From 1315 onwards

Location: Open ocean controlled by Great Britain

The English have been a seafaring people for their entire existence; as a small island in the north Atlantic, there’s much to be found in its deep waters. Fishing has been a way of life for thousands of years, of course, but not until relatively recent history – since the last millenium or so – has humanity, which may or may not include the English, had the technology to go after much larger sea creatures for a source of nutrition. Whales that died at sea and washed up on shore were valuable sources of meat, blubber (turned into fat which could be burned in lamps), and bone, and it seemed inevitable that squabbles would eventually break out over the rights to these surprise windfalls of natural resources.

Beginning in 1148, a law passed by Hilary, Bishop of Chichester allowed him the right to “any whale found on the land of the church in Chichester, except for the tongue, which is the king’s.” A very obscure exclusion, but the Japanese consider it a delicacy, so perhaps this explains the rationale.

In 1315, King Edward II decided to upgrade his own rights to whales, and he passed a new law that gave him “the right of all whales cast by chance upon the shore.” Prior to Edward’s proclamation, the 13th-century legal theorist Henry de Bracton wrote about how “the king owns the head of the whale, the queen owns the tail”; by this, Herman Melville, of Moby Dick notoriety, believes de Bracton was referring to how the bones of the tail were purportedly used to make corsets and other garments for the queen, and thus would be especially valued by her royal highness. The British legal concept of “royal fish” continues to this day, and it has expanded since this time to also encompass any sturgeons and porpoises that end up on shore. There is even an official governmental position, the Receiver of Wreck, whose job is to take possession of these fish whenever they do end up washing ashore.

Proving that the English are furthermore ridiculous, when a Welsh fisherman caught and sold a sturgeon at auction in 2004, the police had to launch an official investigation over whether or not he’d had “royal authority” to make the transaction in the first place. According to the fisherman, he’d sent the Queen a fax – yes! – and in response, was told to “dispose of it as he saw fit”. Unfortunately, it wasn’t so simple. Because sturgeon are A) a royal fish, B) critically endangered, and C) highly valuable, due to their eggs being used to make caviar, a firestorm ensued. Adding to the ridiculousness of the investigation, sometime after the initial sale was made, the sturgeon vanished – and it took a few days for the fish to resurface again. According to the law, if a protected species is sold, it’s punishable with up to six months in prison or a fine of up to five thousand pounds. As for the sturgeon, the fish ended up in a museum, safe from any criminal masterminds and chum buckets for the remainder of its life.

In another case, a company in Leeds that produces “ethical caviar” via an egg extraction method that doesn’t harm the sturgeon, had to get royal assent first before it was allowed to commence operations in the North Sea.

Even though the British government is largely out of the giant fish industry, as traditional North Atlantic commercial whaling firms haven’t existed in the UK since the mid-19th century, the fact that the country remains so hung up on royal fish, versus, y’know, actually building a proper social safety net & functioning society, is proof enough to me that the English cannot be considered human.

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Information for this article taken from here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here.