Your “Brother, Can You Spare a Hamstring?” Sunday Early Slate NFL Football Open Thread

We saw all these ‘soft tissue’ injuries coming, didn’t we? The rush to play combined with the lack of proper preparation led us here. Thing is, are there more injuries than a usual-season first week? I don’t have that answer but if someone comes up with it and the answer is ‘less’, The Shield shall crow it from the mountaintops.

TO THE GAMES!

Bills/Fins:

Buffalo’s Edmunds and Milano-two starting lbs, are out of commission and another backup is as well. Some guys from the practice squad have been engaged but look for heavy safety looks today. Miami’s secondary is looking good but the D as a whole only got 4 pressuses on Cam last week. That means good things for Allen if he can limit his tendency towards bone-headed turnovers.

Niners/Jets:

San Franny is all kinds of banged up but will it matter? Because you see, Adam Gase got his dream backfield of Gore/Ballage once again. Does the guy have Hypotoad capabilities? I’ve looked at all other options and this is the conclusion I’ve come to.

Broncs/Steelers:

Rb Conner is ready and raring to go after much teeth-gnashing by the fandom earlier in the week. Expect this cycle to repeat itself often this year. No worries though, Snell Jr filled in with a healthy 5.9 ypa and 2.89 yards after contact. That said, the Denver run D is a whole nother kettle of ponies.

Vikes/Colts:

You know what they say, “You can take the serial baby-maker out of LA but you can’t make him pass to his wr’s”. Of his 36 noodly appendage passes, 50% were to his rbs.

Jags/Titans:

Tennessee should roll as long as they can find Laviska Shenault. The ‘supposed’ wr played out wide, in the slot, at te, at rb and even had one down at qb. That’s interesting stuff.

Falcons/Cowboys:

Atlanta refused to address their lousy secondary during the offseason and paid the price yet again last week. They allowed the 8th most fantasy points to receivers but I think they can do even better vs. Cooper, Gallup and Lamb-maybe 2nd or 3rd most?

Rams/Eagles:

Philly’s glad to get Sanders back at back because Boston Scott got all of 35 yards on the ground last week. Fantasy deep-sleeper! Pshaw, I say.

Giants/Bears:

Call me a dumb Giants fan but I think Saquon flashes here. Y’all thinking, ‘but Bears D’ and I hear ya but they gave up almost 100 yards to AP and Swift would have had 4 catches and a TD if not for that egregious drop in the end zone last week. Bears sorta escaped that game.

Lions/Packers:

Rodgers had a 96 PFF grade last week, his highest in more than a decade. Did a trainer say something nice about his mom or something?

Panthers/Bucs:

This is Brady’s ‘get right’ game, right? But Godwin is out and Carolina looked functional last week. Don’t take the 9.5 spread but you may want to play Scotty Miller-he’s smallish but grabbed all 5 of his targets for 73 yards last week.

Go get ’em.

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Horatio Cornblower

My decision to start Cooper and Lamb is not paying off well.

My indecision to just leave Aaron Jones in against Detroit is more than making up for that.

Detroit’s defense: the gift that keeps on giving.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

Lookit that, the Jets get to double digits.

Gratliff

Now the race to 7-9 and the NFC East crown truly begins

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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bk109

I need a verdict from the class – what’s worse -> Youtube Music recommending “Sealed With A Kiss” by Jason Donnovan, or me actually enjoying that song?!

Gumbygirl

Was he the guy on Neighbors with Kylie Minogue?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

A Bears kicker miss a field goal? That’s unpossible

Gumbygirl

Safety dance!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

Are we bananacakes yet?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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bk109

FAEK FOTO… It can’t be Texan, ’cause there’s no MG turrets anywhere on that bad boy!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It’s a convertible.

bk109

So? You just mount the turret ring to the chassis and rollbars.. Hell, if you do your job well, a CROWS install is also doable … Shit, my spirit animal is a Texas Gun Nut, isn’t it?

ArmedandHammered

No turrets needed, just need two places for the cousins to stand and shoot from.

bk109

I have to disagree there – a turret is important, ’cause that way you can go 50cal or recoilless (or a ATGM, but fat chance getting a good deal on those stateside)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

We are talking about Texas here. They teach creationism, the rest of their mentality is in that form.

bk109

Creationism, shop class.. call it whatever you want… Still power tools and enough scrap metal to make a tank…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I see, one of their kind.

bk109

I actually googled “creationism” (it doesn’t mean what I thought it mean)and.. uhh, I have a question – Is that REALLY taught in secular state-run schools?!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Many school districts have notes in textbooks that make sure it is given equal weight. Also a lot have opt outs for parents so their kids don’t have to hear about science. They renamed it “intelligent design” Sigh.

bk109

I am legitimately facepalmed while reading that, because … how to put it – I live in a religious (enough) country like Ireland and my kids study in a school run by the Catholic church… and they have NOTHING so stupid in their textbooks

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Yep. I need to keep your country in mind with my responses.

That type of shit it just amazing in its regressive stupidity, that at first you don’t believe it.

bk109

That’s why I initially thought “creationism” was an arts and crafts sort of thing where you “create stuff” and the idea that it was a class on how the G-man in the sky’s “creation” of the Universe didn’t even cross my mind (because it feels that … silly)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

There is an active logic and science denying portion of the population in this country that will make us stupid for a good fifty years or longer. Silly is good, but an understatement. I tend to forget grownup countries are not as subjected to this as much as the US.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No to fuck each other.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I have spent a lot of time in Texas, and that car is perfect for their cousin fucking inbred, 70 IQ nature.

herodotus450

Jacksonville actually good? Or Titians wildly overrated? WE MIGHT NEVER KNOW!

Gratliff

The new and improved Eagles secondary
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Staley the Bear in a covid mask telling the fake crowd to quiet down while the Bears are on offense.

We deserve to be annihilated in a global pandemic.

Mother Puncher

Stafford is the GOAT of violin players on a sinking ship

Spur

RAMMIT

Senor Weaselo

Good thing I have Goff! On my bench! (You’re welcome Spam.)

Gumbygirl

Juju!

Senor Weaselo

I have no idea which is worse, my football team or Mitch McConnell.

bk109

Yes.

Mother Puncher

to be fair, mcconnell gets way more wins and probably has better politics

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

A very dark timeline, indeed.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

McConnell is worse than eye gonorrhoea, so is your football team worse than that?

Senor Weaselo

I mean it is currently 31-6 and Jimmy G was 14/16 before he died…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

His team is not evil or responsible for a large portion of the degradation of the country. On the other hand his team is fucking up a lot of fantasy rosters, so maybe even.

clint greasewood

Trevor Lawrence better start looking for property in new jersey now.

bk109

Or… he can find a nice little graduate program to save him until someone that won’t destroy his career in its infancy is on the horizon

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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bk109

What cunttastic moonshine are you bloody drinkin?! The good stuff goes down easy (speaking of which, next week I’m distilling me some 150-proof rakiya/torpedo juice)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I think he means “Jax” the hooker he stifted…. did not pay, last time.

Spur

Dak back, 1 TD game.

Mother Puncher

Tired of all these handsome young coaches finding success. No I’m not talking to you Zac Taylor

Gratliff

Apparently the trick to beating the Rams is to run every down

Spur

Red Rocket is in for Dallas

bk109

And so the Seventh Seal has been broken… We are all doomed to see Geno Smith and Christian Hackenburg start for someone by week 8

Senor Weaselo

For all the lip service, Kaepernick will remain unsigned.

Gatoraids

He’s still listed out with a knee

Gumbygirl

On his neck.

Redshirt

That is simultaneously so wrong and so right, so here’s a +1.

bk109

So bloody what? He’s not nearly as good as people give him credit for and he’s too much of a media circus to get full time and too “big” to get camp body pay

Senor Weaselo

This is true. But he can’t be worse than Hackenburg.

bk109

Yes, but he’s cheaper and for a team that’ll probably be in “fuck it, we’re gonna tank like it’s 1940 again” way more effective. That’s the sad truth of how the actual “pros” rate Kaep – he’s just not worth the hassle (and that’s the same league where way bigger “issues/actual bodies” get buried if you’ve got enough sportsball talent)

Senor Weaselo

I did not think about salary. You’re right, if Kaep demands starter money no chance.

bk109

Plus there’s always the optics – if he signs somewhere and sucks (or is just average), the whole “The NFL killed my career for doing what’s right” thing goes outta the window and that’ll cost him a ton of clout and money

Mother Puncher

Is Dak hurt or just garbage?

bk109

Late hit in the RedZone, someone who’s not listening to Led Zep can elaborate on how ded he is (tho if they put Dalton in…)

Gumbygirl

Jerrah is coaching again?

Mr. Ayo

Ded Ham

King Hippo

Red Rocket time!

Redshirt

Mein Gott! Die Prophezeiung wird wahr!

Gratliff

<blockquote class=”twitter-tweet” data-partner=”tweetdeck”><p lang=”en” dir=”ltr”>With five minutes left in the third quarter, Kirk Cousins has a passer rating of 0.0.</p>&mdash; Chad Graff (@ChadGraff) <a href=”https://twitter.com/ChadGraff/status/1307759067725692932?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw”>September 20, 2020</a></blockquote>

Gatoraids

Vikings headed for double secret probation

Redshirt

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Beerguyrob

Mr. Winkles is gonna feed at practice this week.

clint greasewood

Falcons secondary is absolute trash.

Fronkenshteen

RIBS, SHMIBS!!! YOU STRETCH OUT WITH THAT FITBAW!!!

litre_cola

Zymm is taking me to the woodshed.

Fronkenshteen

Julio Jones haz ALS?

Gratliff

Fuck, those Ram unis are trash

Gumbygirl

These white ones are slightly better than the gray monstrosities they were sporting last week.

Fronkenshteen

Welp. Rammit! found the one thing Robert Woods can’t do: run block.

Redshirt

Is Atlanta 3-28’ing again?

JustStopDude

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Brocky

no. not just because I’m a bears fan,

but because I’m starting the bears d in fantasy and my opponent is starting him as well.

*somewhere god hears this and prepares to spread his asscheecks

Redshirt

Stupid Pittsburgh showing off their beautiful stupid city.

Gumbygirl

When you come from the airport and go through the tunnel, bam! There it is. It’s beautiful, especially at night.

Fronkenshteen

Marvin Jones got another one in him?

Fronkenshteen

Engram suplexed.

JustStopDude

Flipping through all these games…I can’t see a single team that could hang with the freak show that Baltimore has this year.

I just can’t spot any team that I think could hang with the Ravens offense if it is clicking at all.

Redshirt

Wait until the playoffs. Jackson is one playoff loss away from being compared to Dalton in the playoffs.

JustStopDude

he is only in his second full season as a starter.

clint greasewood

Welcome back to CBS for week 5 of the NFL Season… before we talk about today’s match ups let’s return you to the Bills/Dolphins game still ongoing from week 2.

Fronkenshteen

I wonder if Humphries smells like coffee filters, diapers, and egg shells?

Redshirt

Jeff Driskel’s still in the league?!

Brocky

bears defense: still good.

kirk cousins: still the overrated white quarterback we all knew he was

Fronkenshteen

Jets participation trophy kick.

Fronkenshteen

HORSEMASK!!

Fronkenshteen

Dallas only MOSTLY ded.

Redshirt

Alright, the pool is now closed. What did I miss in the early games?

Mother Puncher

Death and destruction

Gatoraids

NFL salute to Khorne today or maybe Nurgle

ArmedandHammered

Khorne, if it was covid it would be Nurgle. Which makes me think that Mark Davis looks like a Nurgling.

Fronkenshteen

Dallas tried anal. Receiving.

Gratliff

Rams offense doing a Week 1 Eagles