Hey there, imaginary frienderinos! Did you enjoy this weekend’s offerings from the FITBAW gods and goddesses? I am perhaps a little MOAR doped up than usual (cracked a rib Friday night, chasing a half-ded bunny around the living room – THANKS AGAIN, Kruger).
Man, what a thrilling Sunday it was to be without a gender! Dallas managed to lose THREE fumbles, and fuck up a fake punt in their own end (they would reprise the faux punt failure in the 2nd half)…on FOUR consecutive first half possessions. I dunno, maybe even all in Q1, all’s I know is that they were hapless, and behind. By a lot, as one would expect under the circumstances.
But they were playing the Goddamned Falcons, and we all too painfully (shut up, Maestro and cohorts) know what they do best.
After all the typical Cap’n BlueBunny nonsense, the Non-Gendered Cowpersons did one thing very right (despite Dungy’s loud and proud, idiot criticism) – when DAK! completed a TD pass to cut the lead to 39-30 (just under 5:00 to play), they went for two. Which is unequivocally the right odds play. You have to make one 2-point conversion to tie the game. Might as well know sooner rather than later whether you will get it. That way, if you need two scores? You call plays with that in mind.
Dallas didn’t get it, meaning Atlanta played fairly soft defense once DAK! got the ball back. Thusly, it was no surprise that Prescott got back into the end zone right after the 2-minute warning, with no timeouts. You know, it was just fantasy-friendly garbage time, right?
Wrong. Because apparently Younghoe ain’t the only kicker with some onside tricks up his sleeve. Zeuerlein lined up COMPLETELY WITHOUT A TEE, freaking ATL into calling timeout. Then, they freaked the fuck out further, when he cue balled a helicopter, whirly-gig towards the sideline, which hooked back toward the 10-yard demarcation line.
The Falcons never touched it. Such is the power of complete novelty. It fucks with your mind. Dallas swarmed on it the nanosecond it crossed the 40, and Greg the Leg finished his heroics by kicking the game-winner from 46 yards. 40-39, N-GCp. Coked-up RedZone Guy said Dallas had been down to a 2% win probability, but that seems high to me. They were ded as ded can be.
This would be the “bright” spot for the NFC Least, as the rest of the division lost, to various degrees of hilarity.
Los Gigantes lost Saquon (likely for the year), and trailed Chi**** 17-nil. Somehow, they ran off 13 straight and had the chance to win at the gun. Of course, being the G-men…they did not. For the 2nd week in a row, the Bearistocrats got out of gaol. Poor fucking Daniel Jones. He has a Charlie Brown aura about him.
Philadelphia? They’s in real trouble, and unlike NYG, they entered the season with some hope. At one point, they lucked back to within 5, but travelling RRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! won going away, 37-19. Dakota Jeebus was liquid shit, once again. Iggles management will likely deny reality (it is the current fashion) as long as they can, but a complete re-boot seems inevitable.
Philly almost got doubled up, but the Redacteds were thoughtful enough to do so exactly, losing 30-15 to the Qardinals. “Riverboat” Ron Rivera kicked a FG on 4th and goal, near the end of Q3. Down 20-nil. When it’s Week 2, and you are already just playing not to get shut out by AZ? Shit, that’s just depressing. Kyler Murray looked quite good (again), and Haskins looked…like Haskins. Garbage time meant his numbers flattered to deceive just a bit.
But hey, at least they didn’t have FOUR fucking starters die, like the Tomsulas. Good thing they were playing the Jest, who offered their usual amount of resistance. Sam “Touch of Downs” Darnold is in the League just to make Redacted fans feel better about Dwayne Haskins. Best moment that I saw? NYJ allowing Santa Clara to convert a 3rd and 31, on a give-up toss sweep. I feel bad for Janeane, hopefully she is just a little bit ded. Ain’t nobody want to see that wretched Nick Mullens again.
My poor, beloved Donks also lost their QB to injury. Figures, now that I like the kid. Throwing shoulder owie, which one reckons to be pretty important to a quartered back. Somehow (I mean, Jeff Driksel is our backup, yikes), Denver stayed in the game until the very end, failing on a 4th down inside the 30. Yinzers win 26-21. The Ben even completed an 85-yard TD pass. OK, not all in the air obvs, but it was still a bomb.
SKOL did not lose their starting passer, but that’s not really a positive. Dingleberry out-Dingleberried himself, 11-26 for 113 yards and THREE pickerceptions. Even after the garbage time score, Minny didn’t crack 200 yards on offense. That’s just fucking sad. Humps win, 28-11. But it was 28 by a very circuitous route, which I found mathematically pleasing.
Christ, do I ever apologize to all that I recommended starting Nyheim Hines. I am now very, very bad at fantasy football and should be completely disregarded.
Freaking Duuuuuuvaaaaaal and Minshew Mania almost pulled off another insane comeback. The game was 30-30 late, both sides having missed their last extra point. But now-shitty Gostkowski got the late winner again, this time from 49 yards. Tanny Fanny completed just 18 passes, but 4 went for scores. Efficient! Undrafted rookie James Robinson is the real deal for the Jaguras, though. Might just be some interesting talent to work with. On offense, anyway.
Brokeback QB went for over 400 yards and 4 scores. In the AIR. I just don’t understand this timeline, y’all. Miami kept things close most of the way, losing by a respectable 31-28. This is still Grumblelord’s division. But other than the Jest, everyone is at least trying to be competent now.
Good Lord, remember when the Fuck LioUns were up 14-3 in Lambeau? DET got self-aware fast, and lost 42-21. If you played opposite Aaron Jones in fantasy, you likely broke something. He did a little Lambeau Leap to pantomimed fans, which was weird. Green Bay is quite possibly good this year, instead of their usual good-in-the-media.’
Least-favoUrite side in the NFL remains Team MRSA, who predictably beat the Black Panthers, 31-17. McCaffrey is due for an MRI on his ankle, so you can pencil Charlotte in for 3-13 now. At least pissy little MRSA Dreamboat tossed another flaccid INT. I zoned out every other time RedZone went to this one.
Buttchinski did his usual array of dumb shit, losing to the Ratbirds 33-16. They played reasonably well on defense, but once again…they needed TheShaun to do way too much by himself. The 500s are now 2 games below their namesake, but they’ll likely rebound to 9-7 and back into the expanded playoffs. Lamar! takes on Mahomes-y next week.
Speaking of, neither Kermit the QB nor his Chefs brethren played their A-game in not-Carson. Shit, Clippers du Merde led almost the entire way, for a decent clip by multiple scores. But Mahomes played a killer Q4 and OT, getting in position for a ballsy, game-winning 58-yard FG. Great teams find a way to when when not at their best, and I don’t think anyone would argue that KC isn’t great.
P*ts traveled to the Pacific Northwest (no longer on fire!) for the nightcap. The action began with a pick-6-erception off Wilson, but he got better. Including a really pretty deep ball to David Moore, who made an even prettier catch to put the ‘Truthers ahead for the first time, 21-17. When RW tossed his 5th score to make it 35-23? Hippo went to sleep. Also, I really don’t like Cris Collinsworth.