Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 2, #NuAIDS Season

King Hippo
Latest posts by King Hippo (see all)

Hey there, imaginary frienderinos!  Did you enjoy this weekend’s offerings from the FITBAW gods and goddesses?  I am perhaps a little MOAR doped up than usual (cracked a rib Friday night, chasing a half-ded bunny around the living room – THANKS AGAIN, Kruger).

Man, what a thrilling Sunday it was to be without a gender!  Dallas managed to lose THREE fumbles, and fuck up a fake punt in their own end (they would reprise the faux punt failure in the 2nd half)…on FOUR consecutive first half possessions.  I dunno, maybe even all in Q1, all’s I know is that they were hapless, and behind.  By a lot, as one would expect under the circumstances.

But they were playing the Goddamned Falcons, and we all too painfully (shut up, Maestro and cohorts) know what they do best.

After all the typical Cap’n BlueBunny nonsense, the Non-Gendered Cowpersons did one thing very right (despite Dungy’s loud and proud, idiot criticism) – when DAK! completed a TD pass to cut the lead to 39-30 (just under 5:00 to play), they went for two.  Which is unequivocally the right odds play.  You have to make one 2-point conversion to tie the game.  Might as well know sooner rather than later whether you will get it.  That way, if you need two scores?  You call plays with that in mind.

Dallas didn’t get it, meaning Atlanta played fairly soft defense once DAK! got the ball back.  Thusly, it was no surprise that Prescott got back into the end zone right after the 2-minute warning, with no timeouts.  You know, it was just fantasy-friendly garbage time, right?

Wrong.  Because apparently Younghoe ain’t the only kicker with some onside tricks up his sleeve.  Zeuerlein lined up COMPLETELY WITHOUT A TEE, freaking ATL into calling timeout.  Then, they freaked the fuck out further, when he cue balled a helicopter, whirly-gig towards the sideline, which hooked back toward the 10-yard demarcation line.

The Falcons never touched it.  Such is the power of complete novelty.  It fucks with your mind.  Dallas swarmed on it the nanosecond it crossed the 40, and Greg the Leg finished his heroics by kicking the game-winner from 46 yards.  40-39, N-GCp.  Coked-up RedZone Guy said Dallas had been down to a 2% win probability, but that seems high to me.  They were ded as ded can be.

This would be the “bright” spot for the NFC Least, as the rest of the division lost, to various degrees of hilarity.

Los Gigantes lost Saquon (likely for the year), and trailed Chi**** 17-nil.  Somehow, they ran off 13 straight and had the chance to win at the gun.  Of course, being the G-men…they did not.  For the 2nd week in a row, the Bearistocrats got out of gaol.  Poor fucking Daniel Jones.  He has a Charlie Brown aura about him.

Philadelphia?  They’s in real trouble, and unlike NYG, they entered the season with some hope.  At one point, they lucked back to within 5, but travelling RRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! won going away, 37-19.  Dakota Jeebus was liquid shit, once again.  Iggles management will likely deny reality (it is the current fashion) as long as they can, but a complete re-boot seems inevitable.

Philly almost got doubled up, but the Redacteds were thoughtful enough to do so exactly, losing 30-15 to the Qardinals.  “Riverboat” Ron Rivera kicked a FG on 4th and goal, near the end of Q3.  Down 20-nil.  When it’s Week 2, and you are already just playing not to get shut out by AZ?  Shit, that’s just depressing.  Kyler Murray looked quite good (again), and Haskins looked…like Haskins.  Garbage time meant his numbers flattered to deceive just a bit.

But hey, at least they didn’t have FOUR fucking starters die, like the Tomsulas.  Good thing they were playing the Jest, who offered their usual amount of resistance.  Sam “Touch of Downs” Darnold is in the League just to make Redacted fans feel better about Dwayne Haskins.  Best moment that I saw?  NYJ allowing Santa Clara to convert a 3rd and 31, on a give-up toss sweep.  I feel bad for Janeane, hopefully she is just a little bit ded.  Ain’t nobody want to see that wretched Nick Mullens again.

My poor, beloved Donks also lost their QB to injury.  Figures, now that I like the kid.  Throwing shoulder owie, which one reckons to be pretty important to a quartered back.  Somehow (I mean, Jeff Driksel is our backup, yikes), Denver stayed in the game until the very end, failing on a 4th down inside the 30.  Yinzers win 26-21.  The Ben even completed an 85-yard TD pass.  OK, not all in the air obvs, but it was still a bomb.

SKOL did not lose their starting passer, but that’s not really a positive.  Dingleberry out-Dingleberried himself, 11-26 for 113 yards and THREE pickerceptions.  Even after the garbage time score, Minny didn’t crack 200 yards on offense.  That’s just fucking sad.  Humps win, 28-11.  But it was 28 by a very circuitous route, which I found mathematically pleasing.

Christ, do I ever apologize to all that I recommended starting Nyheim Hines.  I am now very, very bad at fantasy football and should be completely disregarded.

Freaking Duuuuuuvaaaaaal and Minshew Mania almost pulled off another insane comeback.  The game was 30-30 late, both sides having missed their last extra point.  But now-shitty Gostkowski got the late winner again, this time from 49 yards.  Tanny Fanny completed just 18 passes, but 4 went for scores.  Efficient!  Undrafted rookie James Robinson is the real deal for the Jaguras, though.  Might just be some interesting talent to work with.  On offense, anyway.

Brokeback QB went for over 400 yards and 4 scores.  In the AIR.  I just don’t understand this timeline, y’all.  Miami kept things close most of the way, losing by a respectable 31-28.  This is still Grumblelord’s division.  But other than the Jest, everyone is at least trying to be competent now.

Good Lord, remember when the Fuck LioUns were up 14-3 in Lambeau?  DET got self-aware fast, and lost 42-21.  If you played opposite Aaron Jones in fantasy, you likely broke something.  He did a little Lambeau Leap to pantomimed fans, which was weird.  Green Bay is quite possibly good this year, instead of their usual good-in-the-media.’

Least-favoUrite side in the NFL remains Team MRSA, who predictably beat the Black Panthers, 31-17.  McCaffrey is due for an MRI on his ankle, so you can pencil Charlotte in for 3-13 now.  At least pissy little MRSA Dreamboat tossed another flaccid INT.  I zoned out every other time RedZone went to this one.

Buttchinski did his usual array of dumb shit, losing to the Ratbirds 33-16.  They played reasonably well on defense, but once again…they needed TheShaun to do way too much by himself.  The 500s are now 2 games below their namesake, but they’ll likely rebound to 9-7 and back into the expanded playoffs.  Lamar! takes on Mahomes-y next week.

Speaking of, neither Kermit the QB nor his Chefs brethren played their A-game in not-Carson.  Shit, Clippers du Merde led almost the entire way, for a decent clip by multiple scores.  But Mahomes played a killer Q4 and OT, getting in position for a ballsy, game-winning 58-yard FG.  Great teams find a way to when when not at their best, and I don’t think anyone would argue that KC isn’t great.

P*ts traveled to the Pacific Northwest (no longer on fire!) for the nightcap.  The action began with a pick-6-erception off Wilson, but he got better.  Including a really pretty deep ball to David Moore, who made an even prettier catch to put the ‘Truthers ahead for the first time, 21-17.  When RW tossed his 5th score to make it 35-23?  Hippo went to sleep.  Also, I really don’t like Cris Collinsworth.

5
4
votes
Article Rating
King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
Subscribe
Notify of
66 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Dunstan

I may have spent most of the weekend on Football Manager 2020, trying hard not to be fired from a job running a team in a sport I barely understand. I now suddenly empathize with Adam Gase.

Sharkbait

Still havent tried it yet despite installing it. WIll try to give it a go tonight

Dunstan

THEY’RE TAKING BETS ON WHETHER I’LL GET FIRED NEXT! (Sob) This is a cruel game.

I’m second-favorite at 3:1. Can I bet on myself?

Fronkenshteen

This virtual learning shit is no education at all. This country is doomed.

ballsofsteelandfury

Not to make too much fun about it, but have you been in a classroom lately? Like everything, it depends on the teacher. Some teachers are brilliant and can inspire kids to be great and others are overpaid child care workers.

Fronkenshteen

Couldn’t agree more. We shouldn’t have even tried to address schooling until we got our arms around the virus problem. The kids need to be with the educators.

Sharkbait

I mean we were pretty much fucked before that, but yeah. This is piling on

Fronkenshteen

I just don’t see an end to the fuckery, either.

Dolph Ucker

I have an 8th grader trying to do his band class remotely right now. The neighbor is ripping on the sawzall and mini sledge next door (18 months into a remodel of a 600 sq. ft. house wtf?) There’s connectivity issues galore, other student’s hot mic on half the time with grandma cussing in the background somewhere. Teachers don’t stand a chance. After the lost semester last year, this year looks to be a bust as well. The veneer of civilization is mighty thin and the crackling has just begun, yes?

rockingdog

Ha
comment image

Gumbygirl

I thought you were joking when you said you had a cracked rib yesterday! Poor Hippo! That hurts like a mofo, take all the drugs. And don’t be mad at Kruger, he was just offering a tribute to his liege lord. Now I feel bad that the Steelers beat your Donks.
Ha, no I don’t.

SonOfSpam

I comically had jumped

Ok now here’s the problem.

Gumbygirl

My cat brought a half dead chipmunk to my son’s 5th birthday party. We had a roomful of screaming, crying kindergardeners losing their collective shit and one very smug tuxedo cat sitting in the middle calmly washing the blood off his paws. Wilbur was magnificent, I miss him every day!

Gumbygirl

Uh-oh spaghettios, that sounds like the perfect setup for lifelong trauma! Mothers in law, sheesh.

SonOfSpam

Is that the first time Darnold has been called “Touch of Downs”? That cracked me the fuck up.

Best division in fitbaw? NFC West, and it’s a runaway at this point.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Let’s hold off on the crowning ceremony until the various MRI results come in today.

comment image

Last edited 1 month ago by Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
SonOfSpam

Eh, the Niners are in last place anyway. At 1-1.

ballsofsteelandfury

I think that’s been used before, but yeah it’s a classic.

SonOfSpam

Note: Frosted Shredded Poo is better than regular Shredded Poo.

Gumbygirl

It’s magically delicious!

JimU

Anthony Lynn and Ron Rivera played some cowardly football yesterday.

ballsofsteelandfury

With Lynn you expect it, but Rivera used to be Riverboat Ron!

I wonder if Danny cut off his balls as part of contract negotiations…

Last edited 1 month ago by ballsofsteelandfury
WCS

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

The Maestro

Feeling surprisingly zen about the end of the Pats-HOX game. Running the ball was the exact, correct playcall. SEA just blew it the fuck up. NE defense didn’t have a spectacular game, but that’s as much to do with Russ being good as fuck as it is with them not playing their A game. As for Cam… whoa mamma. Goddamn, Jerry Richardson must be foaming at the mouth with rage (and hopefully rabies) somewhere. He is legit as fuck, especially with the receivers that he’s got.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Looks like Sutton is out for the year; torn ACL.

Horatio Cornblower

Probably my fault for being so smug when I picked him up relatively late, then got Lock even later.

Doktor Zymm

I learned that the Pats really have no other goal line plays beyond a QB carry!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

And they sure not afraid of him taking a beating. He seems to be far more healthy than the last few years. I can root for him and his hair and still hate the P*ts.

Unsurprised

I like cam

LemonJello

Midway through ‘Dacteds/Qards I remembered that I hadn’t checked my FF lineup.

comment image

Iguana Mart Burble Borble, indeed.

yeah right

And just like that my rooting interests for this year are over. Just spectacularly uninspiring football on both sides of the ball. Can we impeach a quarterback?

Don T

I don’t wanna alarm anybody, but teh Tits are legit entertaining. 2-0 beybeh!
comment image

Don T

S/U to giphy for having a less husky version of pubescent me.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Btw I need 13 points from Josh Jacobs tonight to win my ff matchup. So I presume he’ll shatter a tibia in the first quarter.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Is it legal to deliberately kick a football that’s lying on the ground? I’d like to see that happen more in the NFL.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Why? The object is to gain possession. There are a couple of great sports with kicking balls that you can watch;

comment image

Senor Weaselo

THAT’S MY PURSE!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I DON’T KNOW YOU!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Senor Weaselo

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

rockingdog

been 14 yrs since they were in the post season
got the win last night & now they back in

goooo PADRES!!!
comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Need to back off on the coffee, understood this mostly.

blaxabbath

Raiders home opener is all over the local news. Just saw a clip of Gruden talking about why he fought changing the MNF theme because he didn’t want “new guitars or beepers or whatever.”

Way to broadcast that XOAK has a dinosaur coach. That’s the exact exciting successful direction every team with a new billion dollar stadium should be going.

Brick Meathook

Norm’s cat has a heart attack:

Last edited 1 month ago by Brick Meathook
ballsofsteelandfury

It’s a good thing teh Hippo didn’t stay tuned for the postgame show as he would have seen the Collinsworth spawn display the same smug face and that would have been too much.

And I’m shocked no one is protesting the fact that kid has a job on NBC.

Horatio Cornblower

I turned the game off as soon as I heard that his kid was doing the post-game.

Senor Weaselo

See: White House, The

BrettFavresColonoscopy

That Justin Herbert kid looked legitimately good, not just quack quack good.

litre_cola

He is such a bro that I am surprised he doesnt play lacrosse.

TheRevanchist

I’m going to be the last person to say anything nice about a Charger, but his GPA was a 4.06 as a Biology major. I’d probably give him a pass, if he were the backup QB on the other sideline. But, as a Charger, he probably molests goats.

The Maestro

To be fair, as a biology major, he’d probably know if the goat was asking for it or not.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Did you see how that goat was dressed? Jumping around like that.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

If it was a pig, we could use the ol’ ‘head stuck in a fence’ joke.

ballsofsteelandfury

/Cory Chase starts writing…

nomonkeyfun

/closes incognito tabs

Who? I’ve never seen this person before in my life.

Brick Meathook

Until this very day I never noticed. It was Barzini all along.

comment image
comment image