Week 2 was The One Where Everyone Died.
Week 3 was The One Where Everyone Derped.
[Closed captions for the hard-of-Hippo provided by the Church of the Immaculate Deception, Rev. E. Mayhem presiding]
Did you ever wonder what that Most Evil Superb Owl [Falcons-P*triots] would be like, if only a series of ridiculous bailout BLEERGHs saved the side who choked away their 28-3 lead? Wonder no more, as the Brokeback Bills are now 3-0. [Not one of those flags was nearly as egregious as the “interception” that started the Rams’ rally]. OKC bomber [Sean McVay] apparently gave a most effective halftime speech, leading RRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! to adjust their body clocks and rip off a 29-nil run. [No, a bad call on a jump ball was inexplicably affirmed in favor of one of the most powerful owner’s team, and THAT led the Rams to go on a tear. Huh, maybe not so inexplicably…] But the zebras just weren’t having it. Brokeback QB [Wyoming alum Josh Allen] hisself? Continues to put up insane numbers, while reminding us that his is very much the proverbial “ten cent head.” If McDermott would relent and give Devin Singletary 20-25 touches? [Woo!] Perhaps they’d be a factoUr in January, after all. [WOOOO!]
Speaking of 28-3? Atlanta wants to make sure nobody ever forgets their legacy. As if the Non-Gendered Miracle [losing to the Cowboys] of Week 2 wasn’t enough, they decided to stop playing defense in Q4 yesterday. It might not have mattered, except that Nagy finally pulled the plug on Los Experimente de Bollo del Verdad. [RIP, Mitch Truth Biscuit] Enter Big Dick Nick [Foles. Seriously, it costs us nothing as heterosexual men to acknowledge that the dude is both literally and metaphorically hung], at 26-10. A 4th and 17 TD score gets overturned on replay, and everyone is all like “not this week, I guess.” But Chi**** promptly got the ball back, and scored three more TDs. 30-26 to the 3-0 (and very cromulent) Bearistocrats! [HIGHLY NSFW LINK]
Let us have a moment of silence for folk singer Leonard [Tarik] Cohen. A column favoUrite, his knee bent the wrong way on a punt return, and his season (perhaps career, scatbacks live on narrow margins) is over. [It’s a cold and it’s a broooooken Hallelujjjjaaaah]
Nobody in the NFC Least managed a win this week, but we did get a Draw! [Huzzah!] Amazingly, it was a repeat of the “Donovan McNabb don’t know the rulez” matchup (h/t, Coked-Out RedZone Guy), with Team WKRP [Cincinnatti] in town. There was a time when Doug Pedersen was considered a rising star in the coaching ranks. Those days…are over. First, he kicks the extra point after the TD at the end of regulation. But aren’t they the better/home team? Yes to the latter, but they were clearly outplayed all day by Cincy. [Also, home team advantage is a lie from the Before Times] But much dumber, he got the ball back under 2:00 in OT, around the 50 yard line. Cincy kept calling timeout…for no plausible reason. And Dougie? Played very directly for a 60-yard FG attempt. Didn’t even lift a finger to get closer, which is dumb as shit even 25 yards closer. Kicks are not automatic. Karma bit him in the ass by means of a false start BLEERGH lining up for said 60-yarder.
So, rather than kick a 65-yarder (and NFL record), now you have to go for it on 4th and 13. That’s not a great odds play, but the clock was down under 15 seconds. Cincy had no timeouts left. You make a first down? Call YOUR final timeout (that you kept rather than play offense), try a reasonable kick. You miss it? Cincy MAYBE tries a Hail Mary from their side of the 50. Realistically? They take a knee. Which is what happened on the last play of the game, but after a Philly punt. [The Philly Phriend schadenfreude was deliciously strong on this one. Dougie ain’t care though- he got his Super Bowl, and trying to keep in Iggles fans’ good graces is a sucker’s game]
We could have had more rhymin’ history in the desert (DET settled for a point at AZ in Week 1 last year), but Fat Stafford had to lead the winning drive in regulation. 26-23, Fuck Lions. Kyler [Murray] had a very bad, no good, horrible day, with three picks (and I want to say another dropped, but my attention span wasn’t great).
The Jest also played. [Charitable description] Do I need to say anything more? OK, Darnold would have beaten his own team by scoring more points directly for the Humps [Fat Humps, aka Indianapolis] (16, 2 pick-6s and a safety) than Gangrene put on the board (7). Old Man Laserface [rejuvenated Phillip Rivers] added 20 more to the total, for a 36-7 final.
Those same Jest face The Walking Ded (aka Donks WOO!!!!) [Wooo!] on Thursday Night Football. [Booo!] You will appreciate CIN/CLE or JAX/MIA after you sit through this shit. Fuck MRSA Dreamboat [Tom Brady] and the stats padding Arians draws up for him (a TD pass from like 6 inches out, for example). But the hero of the day was former DEN lineman Mark Schlereth, who somehow managed to run his mouth constantly during the broadcast. Despite having his tongue lodged deep in Brady and Gronk’s arseholes. At least Bradley Chubb got one excellent hit on the motherfucker. 28-10, MRSA. The roof was always going to cave in on Denver eventually. Just too beat up.
Charlotte’s Black Panthers got 21 the hard way (TD, missed 2-pointer, 5 FGs) and held on for a 21-16 win in not-Carson. Keeping with our Derpy theme, Austin Ekeler dropped the pitch on a PERFECT hook and lateral play, as time expired. He could have walked into the end zone. Great moments in Clippers du Merde history, y’all. [No one was mortally wounded by their own “medical” staff, so it was actually a good week for the Chargers]
Speaking of walking into the end zone…Tyler Lockett tried that! As a result, Russell Wilson only got 5 TD passes, not the 6 he deserved. [Seattle deserves nothing] Yes, he got Leon Lett’d at the end. [Really, it should be Don Beebe’d, but I digress] But Wilson, as he is prone to do, bailed Lockett and the rest of his shitty teammates out. N-GCp [Non-Gendered Cowpersons] stormed back from 30-15 down to eke ahead by a point…but Wilson had more than enough time to get the winning TD pass and 2-pointer (on the 2nd go, saving Litre’s GAMBLOR). 38-31, SeaTruthers, as DAK! gets picked on his desperation heave to the end zone. Just think, had Dallas scored and gone for two? They would have managed back-to-back 40-39 and 39-38 miracle wins. That is not a world in which one wants to live. Still, at 1-2, the Non-Gendereds are easily in the driver’s seat for that division.
No, Los Gigantes [New Jersey Giants] (san Saquon) did not win. The Tomsulas’ [49ers] practice squad escaped Joisey with a narrow 36-9 win. Only TE Jordan Reed added to the Santa Clara death toll, and he’s ded like every other week. [Seriously, dude is like Brett from Archer]
No, the Redacteds [Washington “Football” “Team”] did not win. They were ahead quite a bit, but that was mostly due to playing #ThePauls. [Cleveland Browns] I mean, unless you are PHI or CIN, somebody has to end up ahead. 34-20, Believeland. They are 2-1, and very not good. 3 more pickerceptions for Haskins, speaking of very not good.
New England played “hide the Cam” effectively (like Week 1) and won fairly easily (like Week 1). [Robert Kraft’s attorneys then demanded that the hidden cam be destroyed] It was boring, though. At 36-20, Grumblelord ain’t care. We can quit pretending the Raiders might be a thing.
The 500s [Houston] put up a decent fight in Yinzburgh (hey, The Ben likes a little struggle HARF), but they fall to 0-3. Buttchinski [Bill O’Brien] continues to prove his stable genius in his David Johnson evaluation. 13 carries for 23 whole yards! But he got a touched down, so SUCK IT, libtard!!!!1111
Props to DonT, but I don’t see how smoking cessation and supporting the Tits go hand-in-hand. Three games, three down-to-the-wire wins. This one ended 31-30, with Stephen Gostkowski kicking SIX placements, including makes of 51, 54, and 55 (the game winner) yards. Tell me you saw that coming after Week 1? Fucking liar. We did see a vintage El Tractorcito [Derrick Henry] performance, to supplement the 2020-standard, extremely efficient TannyFanny [Ryan Tannehill]. Could this be Tennessee’s year? [No] The pieces just might be there. [Hahaha…no] Rookie Justin Jefferson went 7-175-1…and Dingleberry [Kirk Cousins] still managed a shitty overall performance. That has to almost qualify as performance art, no?
My circuits were a little fried after all that (Sabado included). Think this:
So much so, I barely paid attention to the first half of A.A. Ron [Rodgers] and the “Pending Resurrection” version of Breesus Christ. (Also, if you don’t love The Kills, you fucking suck. [Truth]) I just came to in time for the end of the two-minute drill TD to He-manuel Sanders. 17-13 Saints at the break. Bitchin’ Kamara propped up Our Balding SavioUr’s numbers, while A.A. Ron…worked for his supper. 27-all after 3. Q4 was the sole provenance of the Wisconsinites. 37-27, with Rodgers leading a long, draining, murderous drive for the final score (right at the 2:00 mark). Well, the final MEANINGFUL score, as N’Awlins kicked a FG before a failed onside kick. 37-30.