Despite controlling one-third of the world’s landmass and one-quarter of its population at its peak in the late 19th century, one really has to wonder if the English are even civilized in the first place. As Indian historian and MP Dr. Shashi Tharoor stated in a 2015 speech at Oxford University, “No wonder the sun never set on the British Empire… even God couldn’t trust the English in the dark.”

In G.J. Renier’s The English: Are They Human?, the author sets out to examine why the English are the way they are; it’s not an easy task. Despite the title being absolutely hilarious, the book itself is somewhat humorous, but overall quite academic. This, to me, is quite disappointing. Thus, I am setting out to improve upon his work, and find some case studies that properly shed light on what makes the English such an absurd people. Fortunately, there’s so much out there to choose from. After careful research, it is my conclusion that the English cannot be considered human.

Why?

Well, for this week’s reason, they have some of the weirdest laws in existence anywhere in the world. Here’s a few of my personal favorites to help demonstrate my point.

ENGLISH LEGAL ODDITIES

1. You may not carry a ladder or plank of wood while walking home in the City of London. If you do? £500 fine.

2. It is illegal to fly a kite in the City of London. Thanks to the Metropolitan Police Act 1839, this is also a £500 fine. Under this same Act, it’s also illegal to beat carpets outdoors after 8 AM  – which carries the same two hundred quid pricetag.

3. You may not enter the House of Commons in a suit of armor. This dates back to 1313, when political unrest dictated that all members of the English Parliament had to enter the chamber without weapons or protection. If you did, it would have been considered an act of treason against the King (at the time, Edward II), and likely would have meant a death sentence. As far as legal scholars can tell, this has never happened.

4. In Beverley, East Yorkshire, you may not hang your laundry to dry outdoors; this is actually a law that might actually still be enforced in the modern era. It apparently “may detract from the visual enjoyment of the building or otherwise could cause offence to fellow residents”, according to one luxury complex in the town.

5. You can get a DUI for riding a horse, cow or steam engine while intoxicated. This carries a £200 fine thanks to the Licensing Act 1872. When the Gladstone government passed this legislation, which included sweeping regulations for the sale and consumption of alcohol in the 19th century, the working class almost rioted on numerous occasions.

6. Furthermore to the Licensing Act 1872, public drunkenness – the foundation of middle-class English culture – is illegal. This carries a similar £200 fine or 51 weeks in prison. This is most certainly worthy of riots, but apparently only the nobility is organized enough to protest anything these days in England.

7. It’s legal in Yorkshire to shoot a Scotsman with a crossbow, except on Sundays. However, on Sundays, if the Scotsman is drunk or has a weapon, you are allowed to shoot him – just not with a bow and arrow.

8. In Chester, it’s legal to shoot a Welshman with a crossbow; however, it must be done only after midnight, and must be done within the city walls. Much to many Englishmen’s chagrin, neither of these laws are still considered permissible in the modern era.

9. It’s an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the head of the monarch upside-down on the corner of the envelope. It’s also treasonous to burn paper money, bend coins, or tear the postage stamp – you are defacing or destroying a likeness of the King or Queen. All of these offences carry a £200 fine.

10. Trespassing is illegal – but in Cornwall, it’s ok if you’re a huer or a baulker – these ancient occupations involved people standing on cliffs shouting at fishing boats, directing them towards schools of fish. They’re allowed to go wherever they please.

11. Nicky-nicky-nine-door, or “knockdown ginger”, or any other various names of the same game, is illegal in London. Under the Metropolitan Police Act 1854, this carries a £500 fine today.

12. It is illegal in England, Wales and Scotland to “handle salmon in suspicious circumstances”; if the person receiving fish believes it may have been illegally fished, they are required to report or elsewise face a fine, which I believe is £500. This law dates from 1986 – incredible that it’s so recent.

13. Until 2005, it was illegal to gamble in British libraries, but fortunately, the Libraries Act 1998 eventually saw these gambling laws repealed over the course of the next few years. HAIL GAMBLOR.

While I know that the United States and Canada have a number of weird laws of their own, they still can’t hold a candle to just how ridiculous the UK legal code is, even today. Anyone who considers this a functional society has to be absolutely kidding themselves – a society that outlaws public drunkenness, as well as all these other things, can in no way be considered to have been created by humanity. Chalk up yet another piece of evidence that leads me to conclude that English are inhuman.

***

Information for this article taken from here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.