Place: Just above the Fourth Circle of Hell
Time: About five seconds after Balls and TWBS passed Plutus, God of Wealth and Shitty Circle Guard.
TWBS has seen what seems to be millions and billions of souls deep in the middle of a large circular valley. They are all carrying big heavy boulders and are intent on crashing into each other. It’s like a gigantic mosh pit.
BALLS: You are in the Fourth Circle of Hell.
TWBS: What is going on down there? There can’t be that many rich people!
BALLS: They’re not. That’s the ironic part. Basically, it’s the people that didn’t manage their money well. Either they threw it all away on stupid shit or they hoarded it all and didn’t spend it on anything.
TWBS: But why are they hitting each other?
BALLS: Because to each one the other represents the complete opposite of what they value. So they are constantly attacking each other.
TWBS: So, like the Democrats and Republicans back home?
BALLS: Essentially, yes, but this group just disagrees about the way to use money. Democrats and Republicans disagree on pretty much everything.
TWBS: Who’s winning?
BALLS: You tell me.
TWBS (looking over the valley): It doesn’t look like anyone is winning. You can’t even tell who’s who.
BALLS: Exactly. Fun fact: There’s a shitload of priests and religious types in there.
TWBS: I guess the vows of poverty were kinda bullshit, eh?
BALLS: Right you are, Canadian Ken! And these are the semi-good ones. There will be a lot more further down.
TWBS: I bet. So, if you can’t hoard your money and you can’t spend it, what are you supposed to do with it?
BALLS: I wouldn’t put it that way. The problem with these people is that they went to extremes and thought they could control Fortune. You know there’s a reason the word “fortune” means both wealth and luck, right?
TWBS: You’re getting way too philosophical for my ass.
BALLS (shaking his head): Then don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answers to!
Balls and TWBS walk along the edge of the valley and soon pass the fighting souls. Up ahead, they see a small spring where boiling water comes out. It carves a path and, as they walk along, it becomes a marshy river full of dark, slimy, and smelly water.
TWBS: Man that reeks!
BALLS: It’s the River Styx.
TWBS’s eyes grow wide. He gets a happy, excited look on his face.
TWBS: Hey, do you mind if we played some of my tunes?
BALLS: You don’t mean?
TWBS: Yeah baby, WOOOOO!!!!
TWBS: Come on! We HAVE to!
BALLS: We really don’t.
TWBS (whining): PLEAAAAAAAASE!
BALLS (sighing): Which one?
TWBS: Oooh! Lemme see…. What about Mr. Roboto?
BALLS: I’m sorry, but that’s a hard no.
BALLS: You don’t know how much I hate folk music let alone “folk rock”. Can we at least play something a little more uptempo?
TWBS: Considering I’m dead, what about (whispers in Balls’ ear)
BALLS: I don’t know why you just did that, but ok.
Balls sighs heavily and shoots a finger gun in the air.
As the song starts playing, the two notice that are a lot of people naked in the marsh. They are fighting with each other and tearing themselves to pieces. Literally.
TWBS: What’s with those people?
BALLS: The ones that are fighting are what they call The Wrathful. Underneath them, see the bubbles?
TWBS: Those aren’t farts?
BALLS: Some yes, but most of those bubbles are the sighs of the sloths. They are stuck in the bottom of the marsh because they couldn’t be bothered to move.
TWBS: Oh FUCK! Does that mean THIS is the DFO Circle of Hell? I mean, the pissed off and the sloths make up the other 65% of DFO, don’t they? Poor JJFozz!!!
BALLS: First, you’re right that the River Styx constitutes the Fifth Circle of Hell. Second, Fozzie is a good Catholic boy, so I think he’s in the clear. Unsurprised talks like he doesn’t do shit, but he really does. He’s gainfully employed and goes out for walks and everything. I’m pretty sure our DFO boys are not going to end up here.
TWBS: You sure?
BALLS: Pretty sure. Sorta pretty sure. Hey, check that out!
In front of them, on the other side of the river, is a large tower. There are two signal flames at the top that flicker as if sending out a message. Pretty quickly, they see an answering set of flames floating on the river. The flames move closer and eventually Balls and TWBS are able to detect that they come from a small boat speeding to meet them.
TWBS: Lemme guess. Another boat trip?
BALLS: You wanna swim across?
TWBS: Nope. Nope. Boat is fine.
The small boat arrives at the shore where Balls and TWBS stand. The creature steering the boat addresses the duo.
PHLEGYAS: HA! I’ve got you now, asshole!
BALLS (sighs): Listen, dumbass. You ain’t got shit. You’ve got me as long as it’s gonna take to get across this piece of shit river.
Phlegyas grumbles something that neither Balls nor TWBS could understand, but he lets them onto the boat. He’s pretty pissed off, though. As they start crossing the river, one of the dead souls comes up to the boat and asks to speak with TWBS. Of course, because TWBS can’t help but talk to EVERYONE, even telemarketers, he leans over to talk to the dead soul.
TWBS: What’s happening, buddy? Who are you?
The dead soul starts talking to TWBS but then quickly reaches for his throat and tries to pull him down into the muck. Balls sees this, kicks the dead soul in the head, and pulls TWBS back into the safety of the boat.
BALLS Seriously, no one ever taught you not to talk to strangers? No Stranger Danger?
TWBS: Thanks. Shut up, but thanks.
BALLS: That’s why I’m here. Take a look over there.
The air above the tower is glowing red.
BALLS: That there is eternal fire. You remember all your storybooks about hell and eternal damnation and eternal hellfire? Here it is. This is the beginning of Lower Hell, or as I call it, Real Hell.
TWBS: And we’re going there?
TWBS (sarcastically): Yaaaay!
Phlegyas steers the boat into one of the moats that surround a large circular wall made up of what looks to be iron. The tower is inside the wall. He drives for awhile until he finds a small gate. He drives the boat onto the shore and the duo get out.
There are a thousand evil-looking birdlike creatures perched at the top of the wall and they yell down at the two.
DEVIL BIRDS: WHO THE FUCK ARE YE? WHY DO YOU DARE COME INTO THE KINGDOM OF THE DEAD?
BALLS (to TWBS): Stay here. I’ve got this.
Balls walks casually over to where the devil birds are and gives them the Mexican hello (lifting of the chin). He starts speaking to them in a soft voice that TWBS can’t hear.
BALLS (softly): So, I’ve got to take him through. It has been willed. You gonna let us in?
DEVIL BIRDS (speaking loudly in an angry tone): Look, asshole, you’ve been through here before, so you can come in all you want, but his ass can’t come in. Let him find his own way back. You are either coming in or staying right here, motherfucker.
TWBS (nervously): Dude! I can’t find my way back! I’m fucked! Don’t leave my ass!
BALLS (to TWBS): Relax! You’re not going anywhere. You and I are going through, ok?
TWBS (very nervously): Okay. If you say so.
Balls then turns to the devil birds.
BALLS (motioning one of them to the side, away from TWBS): Can you come into my office real quick?
HEAD DEVIL BIRD: What?
BALLS: Mira, estoy seguro que esto se puede arreglar muy rápido y fácilmente. (reaches into his pocket and pulls out a thousand Mexican pesos) ¿Tienen hambre? ¿Que tal si les compro un rico desayuno?
HEAD DEVIL BIRD: ¡Cabrón! ¿Qué creés que tus pinches pesos van a arreglar el asunto?
BALLS: ¿Dos mil?
HEAD DEVIL BIRD: Ya sabes dónde puedes meterte esos pesos. El idiota no pasará.
BALLS: Ok. I tried this the nice way, just so you know.
Balls turns away from the devil birds and walks back towards TWBS.
TWBS: What happened?
BALLS: They didn’t go for the mordida.
TWBS: You tried to BRIBE them?!?
BALLS: We are in hell. Do you think a bribe WON’T work?
TWBS: It obviously didn’t!
BALLS: Don’t worry about it. I didn’t want to do this, but now I’ve got to. It will be fine. We’ll cross.
Balls pulls out his second cell phone and sends a text. He quickly receives an answer.
BALLS: Ok, help is on the way. Now we just have to wait.
TWBS: Help? Who is coming? What’s going on?
BALLS: Seriously dude, you need to chill. We’ll be fine.
About an hour passes. TWBS is getting antsy and annoying. Like Morty in one of the Rick and Morty adventures except in a grown man’s body.
TWBS: Dude! What happened with the help?
BALLS (slightly worried): It has been quite a while… I really need to replace this piece of shit phone! No, but I got the text back! I’m sure they’re coming, don’t worry.
About ten minutes later, TWBS looks up at the tower and sees three figures that look like women flying at them and screaming.
TWBS: Who the fuq are they?
BALLS: That would be the Furies. Megaera is on the left, Alecto is on the right, and Tisiphone is in the middle.
TWBS: Nice tits! Are they single?
BALLS: Oh. My. God!
TWBS (laughing): Where? (waits a beat) Come on, man, I’m just trying to ease the tension.
BALLS (shaking his head): Fuck me.
TWBS: I’d rather fuck them…
As the Furies descend, they tear at their breasts with long fingernails and shriek in anger. In stereo, they all start speaking.
FURIES: Medusa! Come and let’s turn the dumbass to stone!
TWBS: Woops? What do you mean woops? You can’t say woops!
BALLS: I’m going to need you to turn around and close your eyes.
Balls moves TWBS aside and puts his hands over his eyes. At that moment, a blast of sound explodes from the sky and the ground starts to shake.
BALLS: Ok, we’re good now.
Balls removes his hands from TWBS’ face and TWBS can now see a large angel coming towards them. The angel looks annoyed to be there and keeps waving its hands across its face so that the smell doesn’t hit its nose. TWBS turns towards Balls to say something, but Balls puts his finger to his lips to tell him to be quiet and points downward to indicate that TWBS should look down.
ANGEL (grumbling): All I want is just a couple of hours to watch fútbol, but noooooo some dumbasses can’t get through one teeny tiny gate…
The angel reaches the gate, touches it with a wand, and it instantly opens.
ANGEL (speaking to those inside the gate): You seriously thought you could stop this? You’re dumber than I thought and I know you’re pretty fucking stupid! After all, you’re in Lower Hell!
With that, the angel turns around, obviously annoyed, and heads back from where it came. Doesn’t even bother to acknowledge Balls or TWBS either.
TWBS: Da fuq?
BALLS: Damn. I didn’t want to make that call, but oh well. (cheerily) Welcome to the City of Dis! WESTSIIIIIIIDE!!
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