warning, this is long:

I doubt anyone noticed, but I wasn’t on the thread last night, had a pretty eventful Saturday night. And I don’t mean that in a good way. you’ve heard the phrase “all hell broke loose”? this is probably the closest you’ll ever come to seeing that phrase interpreted literally that didn’t involve an invading army, an active volcano, or raw sewage.

me and the dad spent the dad working on a rental property, fixing it up, hoping to rent it, we got home, and since we were still in “home repair” mode, my dad suggested we finally look at our malfunctioning water pump.

we moved to this new house about 2 years ago, and for the first time in either of us had a house with well water. well water comes into houses, goes into a tank attached to a pump, that pupd the water through when the line opens on the other end. it doesn’t have a shut off hat the water company can shut off if necessary. this is important

well, the pump isn’t working as powerful as it should, so my dad figures it’s a lack of pressure in the line, and reads that a common problem with well water is sediment clogging the tank and the line before the softener. the line coming to house comes to a T, one line goes to water softener then the rest of the house, the third opening has a plug in it, presumably as a cleanout. so he gets the bright idea to take the plug out, with wide Tupperware underneath the t so we can catch whatever water comes out, and presumably any sediment clogged up.

for even more context, this is a split level house, so the basement is finished, and the water pump is located under the stairs. the stairs Hubbard opens out into the foyer, which connects the laundry and living rooms, which me and father had spent the last year or so upgrading various ways. Also the only way to get good access to the pump is to crouch down, or go in on your stomach to get at it.

so my 6’2″, 280 dad is on his stomach accessing the junction, I’m standing behind him in the door way pointing a flashlight. He takes a wrench to the plug and turns it approximately on half rotation.

And then all hell broke loose

did I mention my dad thought there was a lack of pressure on the line? that turned out to be correct as that fucking thing exploded out there like Marshawn lynch going after the skittles truck. it was like a fire hose pointed directly at the piece drywall separating from the living room.

amazingly, the Tupperware was in perfect position to catch the cap. my dad fished through the already overflowing food storage container, and tries to put it back in. the resulting deflection of the plug shot water directly into his face and blasted his glasses off. he dropped the plug again and just yelled out FUCK!

I have never seen a situation go to shit so quickly that didnt involve an ambulance. the entire cubbard had standing water in it in less than 2 minutes with no sign of it slowing down.

normally thus is where I’d go run to turn off the house’s water shutoff valve. except we dont fucking have one. and my poor dads only option is to repeatedly try to wrestle a half inch plug back into a pipe with more water pressure than i had ever seen before. again the only comparison is a fire house.

after a few minutes of trying, with the foyer bow soaked, he gets up, presumably to let me have a go. I dive in there with no success. I had the foresight to put my phone on a nearby shelf because I knew this wasnt gonna be easy. I had no more luck than pops. the little plug was just too tiny against this man made tsunami.

then in flash it comes to me. Hands down the most “heads up”, “alert”, “thinking on your feet” moment I ever had in my life: I needed more leverage.

l leap out of there, past my dad who I doubt had any clue as to my intentions, and run into the garage. looked in the top drawer, ko luck, second drawer, same, third, fourth, fifth, and finally sixth I found them: a six inch long galvanized pipe (referred to as a nipple) and a half inch cap. both used from a previous project.

I grabbed them and wrenched them together, hoping It would be enough, and rand back into the house, sloshing my way to the cubbard.

my father had returned to the previous position, and not wanting to waste time I crawled over him like a scene from a world war two movie, and jammed the fucking pipe in, 1st try the pressure is two much, 2nd the same, 3rd I put my palm on the end with the cap to hold it steady, and using g all the strength in my arms I screwed the pipe in.

the silence stretched on for a second, then in pure disbelief my dad goes: You fucking got it?

well not completely. line was now dripping. luckily that wrench was still right there.

the line was only open for about five minutes, but the damage was done. water got into the living room, the carpet, the stairs landing, and the laundry room. we have a sub pump in case of floods, but those only kick on with sufficient water, we didn’t get close to that, but still the damaged property and the panic of the situation were a nightmare.

and to add insult to injury, pump still doesn’t work.

online research since last night has shown that we likely have a shut off somewhere in our front yard, likely buried from years of not being needed. we got box fans directly on affected areas, hoping that we dont need to replace drywall. my dads eyes are still bloodshot

anyone ever seen the posiden adventure? good film

anyways that happened. I need a drink