Eventual Balls Thoughts XXXIV

I think I’ve got this new format down. In case you are interested, this post will cover comments made up to and through the Saturday Night Open Thread. Sunday comments stand alone and Monday comments will go on the next week’s post. Got it? Good!

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I’m going to make one last plea:

As I mentioned before, I have started work on developing a “Gently-Used Fleshlight Hall of Fame” and I’m researching all the winners of the previous competitions we’ve held here at DFO. I have, as would be expected, all of the winners of the AFL Tipping Contests and the AFLW Tipping Contests. I also have the winner of last season’s English Premier League Tipping Contest as well as the winner of last season’s NFL Tipping Contest (hosted by an Australian ESPN site).

I also have the winner of the DFO Survivor Pool (hosted by the USA ESPN site and run by our own Yeah Right) from the inaugural year of 2015. Things get a bit fuzzy after that. I also discovered that we did a NFL Spread Picks pool and a NFL Straight Up Picks pool in 2015 and I have the winners for those, but I don’t know/remember if we continued those contests in subsequent years.

If anyone has any recollections about the contests we’ve run and, more importantly, who the winners were, please write them in the comments! Thank you!

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The Week in DFO

Here are the things I read in DFO this week that reminded me how much I love this site:

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h/t Moose

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For some reason I have alway thought In the Air Tonight was about Collins’s divorce at the time.

Unsurprised

I always thought it was about a really rank fart ripped in the close confines of the recording studio and the ensuing argument as to who dealt it.

ArmedandHammered

Isn’t it obvious who dealt it?

Balls

The wind instrument was added by the producer.

(who smelt it dealt it)

Moose

***

h/t Moose
h/t Moose
h/t Moose

***

Dear God, thank you for that. I know this is payback for Edelman’s ancestors crucifying your son.

jjfozz

***

We have way more vocal P*ts fans in the clubhouse the last few years.

Litre_cola

My motion to install shock collars was voted down.

Dunstan

As a vocal Cowboys fan I was concerned about setting a precedent.

Horatio

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All I need is for A A Ron to go full Michael Vick on MNF

Don T

I don’t see that happening: Aaron seems to genuinely like dogs.

Horatio

***

h/t Moose
h/t Moose

***

Is it still a shootout if only one side does most of the shooting?

the Alpha and the Amoeba

Fucking Ay!

—Charles Whitman.

Viva La Tabula Raza

“Yes, absolutely.”

-Philadelphia PD.

Moose

This is why I come here, instant police brutality and mass murder references. It feels like slipping into a jacuzzi that feels too hot at first, but then becomes super relaxing.

the Alpha and the Amoeba

***

Throw it to Shepherd

Sharkbait

Won’t the defense flock to him?

monty this seems strange to me

That’s a baaaaah-d joke.

Viva La Tabula Raza

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h/t Viva La Tabula Raza
h/t Brick
h/t Senor Weaselo
h/t Brick
h/t Moose

***

“My name’s Rod Longbone and you’re watching Green Bay Casting Couch!”

LemonJello

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Thoughts and prayers for COVID-19 as it has tested positive for Stephen Miller.

Senor Weaselo

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h/t Beerguyrob
h/t Viva La Tabula Raza
h/t Moose
h/t Moose

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Making the wise decision to skip the debate and drink on my patio while playing Football Manager (curse you, Hippo!)

Drinking Tom Collinses — which I don’t think I’ve done since the DFO Pub Crawl. Cheers to all you fine gentlemen and scholars.

Dunstan

***

h/t Moose
h/t Moose

***

Brady or Cam Newton? hmm… Yep, going Brady! GO TB12!

TheRevanchist

You’re dead to me.

Unsurprised

Your in line just behind my wife, the kids, my parents, the neighbors, my co-workers, Phil Lamowski of Gerrtenburg, PA, the 1982 Chicago Cubs, and my dog. My murder will be a 4 hour Dateline special.

TheRevanchist

***

h/t Moose
h/t Moose
h/t Moose
h/t Unsurprised

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Tom Brady has spent more time on his back tonight than Ginger Lynn.

Beerguyrob

***

THIS GUY CHARLES LENO I CALL HIM JAY LENO BECAUSE HE SUCKS

BFC

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Jesus – removing that Belichick microchip turned Brady into Lennie Small.

Beerguyrob

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Last time I saw someone forget how many downs there were, Uncle Ed was watching The Kids from Widney High on acid.

Buddy

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That bitch better not be pushing thin mints

BFC

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“Cute kid, blax!”

-Commentist who sweeps next week

blaxabbath

Cute kid, Blax! What kinda candy and wine does he like?

SonOfSpam

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found a funny:

A child: what’s that?

Me holding an oreo milkshake: it’s spicy you won’t like it.

rockindog

***

Speaking of interrupting the proceedings-here’s my story:

It was January 20th, 1991. I can’t remember the reason why, but our bar was having our Christmas party quite late, which consisted of a day on the slopes, dinner and one of those Mystery Evenings where you have to identify the killer after talking to all the actors.

That day the Giants were playing the Niners in the NFC Championship game. I ordinarily would have skipped the party because I was a hardcore fan back then but I was dating a waitress (her oral skills have never been matched, btw) that made it plain that she wanted to go. I rationalized to myself, “it’s the fricken’ Niners, they’re going for the threepeat and there’s no way they’ll lose at home, Walsh is gonna dial up a gameplan and the Giants are toast anyway”.

A fellow bartender that was also a Giants fan found a payphone (remember those?) and called a buddy to find out the score. He made his way to my seat and whispered in my ear, “the Giants won, 15-13”. I looked up at him, “No?!”. He nodded ‘yes’ and smiled so that I knew he wasn’t fucking with me.

Now keep in mind that there are at least 60 people (management, fellow employees and their family members) in attendance, listening intently to the host of the Mystery Night explaining how this part of the evening should unfold. I was so shocked about the result I stood up from my chair and started yelling, (I was a few beers in as well) “OH MY FUCKING GOD, THE GIANTS WON! I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE IT! HOLY SHIT, THEY DID IT. JESUS CHRIST! IT’S A FUCKING MIRACLE!!!!!” It was then that my buddy grabbed me and pushed me into a nearby stairwell where we high-fived each other and shared our disbelief. We walked out 5 minutes later to daggers from just about everyone.*

*there was no blowjob that night

scotchnaut

Tell me more about the waitress.

TheRevanchist

She enlisted in Toastmasters early in the 80s. Honed her craft and was doing audiobooks by 95 if I understand the story correctly.

litre_cola

“one of those Mystery Evenings where you have to identify the killer”

Scotchy. It was Scotchy.

Horatio

“In the Northern Ontario with the Beaver Tail!”

scotchnaut

***

College football is still a thing? Is Horatio still railing about UConn?

BFC

He is still heart broken about the Damn Yankees.

Litre_cola

He’s still ‘railing’ but it has nothing to do with UConn.

scotchnaut

I hate all of you so much.

Horatio

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People who unironically say “doggo,” “hubby,” or “wifey”: I’m not sure we can be friends casual acquaintances anymore.

herodotus450

I’ve been referring to wifey for 15 years. Do I get grandfathered in?

WCS

I’ll think about it.

(checks personnel file)

Oh it says here you’re a Panguins fan. Mmm.

herodotus450

Hmm mmm yes and you’re also a Communist, a porn star, and a Stonecutter?

herodotus450

I AM NOT A PORN STAR

WCS

You prefer Porn Thespian?

Mr. Ayo

Porn up and comer. Heh heh.

Gumbygirl

***

Thank you to everyone one for providing quality laughs and gifs/pics to look at. Have a good week, everyone!

ballsofsteelandfury
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jjfozz

Being unemployed leaves me much more time to troll idiots on Reddit. I take on many different personas.

But the constant battles keep me feeling like I’m a York Peppermint Patty that has taken a bite of itself.

Unsurprised

My hero. I’m authentic and it’s gotten me banned enough times recently to finally wear on me.

Anyway. I hope you’re one of the lucky ones getting UI. I just had a claimant who was claiming weeks for the wrong program since May.

Unsurprised

Lifetimes never reading the instructions have reached their inevitable conclusion.

Fronkenshteen

Maestro won my DFO II: Dumb Fantasy League For Dopes last year, FWIW.

litre_cola

Fronk, please check the email from me on the league site! ESPN is fucking with me. I need commish to intervene if possible.

Last edited 14 days ago by litre_cola
Game Time Decision

Looks ok to me., you won and had an empty spot on the bench.

litre_cola

I lost and wanted to pick up moss

BrettFavresColonoscopy

comment image?

Needs Iggy Coke in Atlanta.

Gumbygirl

Where is Dr. Iggy Pepper?

Unsurprised

Above Bottom Iggy’s shoulder and armpit

Last edited 13 days ago by Unsurprised