Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 125)

Beastmode Ate My Baby
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The scene: The Pacific Ocean. BFC and Jerry are currently swimming in the middle of it. Their swim is not of the recreational nature, however, as A) They are fully clothed, and B) Several hundred yards behind them a cruise ship is sinking into the blue waters.

Jerry (swimming): What?

BFC (also swimming): I didn’t say anything.

Jerry: No, but I could tell you wanted to.

BFC: Look, I’m not the one who decided that we should take a cruise ship during a pandemic.

Jerry: Here we go.

BFC: It’s just a bad idea!

Jerry: But the rates were great! You saw our suite…no way we could have afforded that without a plague!

BFC: Look, I’m not gonna argue about that. It was a great room…

Jerry: Right?

BFC: Which is even now sinking beneath the waves.

Jerry: I’m sorry, okay? I just thought it would be better than flying this time. Or taking a tramp steamer. Or being captured by slavers and traveling in the bottom of a crappy old cargo ship.

BFC: That was a pretty cheap way to see Algeria, though. But I’ve got to say, this is still on you.

Jerry: What? What did I –

BFC (interrupting): You’re the one who started coughing.

Jerry: Oh, yeah. But that was because I was allergic to the flowers at our table.

BFC: That place turned into The Lord of the Flies in less time than it takes Brett Favre to snap a dick pic.

Jerry: Yeah, that was too bad. We even had a seat at the captain’s table for tomorrow night.

BFC: The last time I saw him, he was on fire and jumping over the railing.

Jerry: Still, though…this was better than that time in Estonia!

BFC: Well, sure, but only because no one on the ship was trying to steal my kidney. But I will say one thing about Estonia…

Jerry: What’s that?

BFC: It didn’t have any tiger sharks. Like the one following us now.

Jerry looks back to see the dark dorsal fin behind them.

“I’m only a dolphin, ma’am.”

Jerry: This sucks! I mean, there are probably hundreds of people in the water back there and he chases us?

BFC and Jerry start to swim faster but the shark fin follows them with ease. Then BFC notices a woman paddling a life raft nearby. He motions to Jerry and they swim towards it.

BFC (calling out): Hey! Hey, can you give us a hand?

As they near, the woman looks up from her paddling and gives them a cheery wave. She pulls down her MP3 headphones as they grab onto the raft.

Jerry: Hey, I remember you from the boat! You’re…Gumbygirl?

Gumbygirl (nodding): Nice to see someone else survived! Sorry I can’t offer you a lift, but…

BFC: What do you mean? These rafts can hold a dozen people!

Gumbygirl: Well, yeah, but this one’s pretty full already.

BFC and Jerry peek into the raft. It’s crammed full of all kinds of stuff. It kind of looks what would happen if you tried to shove a Costco into a life raft.

Jerry: What the…? Why do you have a 32” TV?

Gumbygirl: In case I want to watch football. Duh.

BFC: You have at least twenty pillows…

Gumbygirl: I like to get comfy.

BFC: And an electric blanket?

Gumbygirl: Hey, it can get chilly on the open sea!

Jerry: You have a globe? That thing is huge!

Gumbygirl: Well how else am I going to figure out where I am?

BFC: Is that a mini-fridge…?

Gumbygirl: I tried to grab a full-size one, but those things are heavy!

Jerry: Look, maybe if we moved some stuff around…maybe get rid of the coffee table…

Gumbygirl: Then what would I put the TV on?

Suddenly the tiger shark rises up out of the water, its maw full of jagged teeth opening wide as it heads for Jerry.


Gumbygirl casually holds up a can of Mace and sprays the tiger shark right in its open mouth. The shark’s eyes bug out and it flops around angrily. With a sigh, Gumbygirl thwacks it on the head with her oar and the tiger shark sinks beneath the waters.

Gumbygirl: Those things are such pests…

BFC: Look, we could really use a lift. There might be more sharks around.

Gumbygirl (sighing): Well, I guess I could move a few things…

Jerry (scrabbling aboard the raft): Thanks a million! We’ll even help you row!

Gumbygirl (as BFC climbs into the raft): It’s fine, guys, but could you please not drip water on the mattress? I don’t want it to get all mildewy.

BFC: Oh, sorry, it’s just that, y’know, the ocean was kind of wet…

Gumbygirl opens a drawer on the small dresser that the globe is sitting on and tosses a large plush towel to BFC, and another one to Jerry.

Jerry (drying off): This is so much better than getting eaten by a shark.

Gumbygirl (searching in the mini-fridge): Sorry, guys, I only have domestic beer. Is that okay?

BFC: You have beer in there…?

Gumbygirl (tossing beers to BFC and Jerry): Oh, sure. I made a quick stop at the bar on the way out. I figured I’d better stock up on beer, to go with all the peanuts.

Jerry (shifting a 5 pound bag of peanuts so he can sit down): You really know how to abandon ship! We never think to scavenge all this cool stuff.

Gumbygirl (opening a box of cookies): You guys have done this before?

BFC (squeezing in between the popcorn machine and a microwave oven): A few times. Considering how often we travel, it’s probably just the law of averages.

Jerry (taking a Thin Mint from the box): I dunno, man, it seems like maybe we’re a bit ahead of the curve. We even sank in the Great Lakes.

BFC (shifting a giant stuffed crocodile so he can grab an oar): That wasn’t all on us. That stupid Coast Guard cutter thought we were Canadians smuggling weed across the border.

Jerry: Well, they were half right.

BFC (paddling with the oar): Anyway, I for one would like to find some land. And also get further away from that cruise ship. All those distant screams are really bugging me.

Gumbygirl (gesturing with a Thin Mint): What about that island over there? We can probably make it before nightfall.

Jerry, crunching his cookie, peers through a telescope that had been sitting on a small end table.

Jerry: You mean the one with the active volcano?

Gumbygirl: Sure, why not? It’s probably really pretty at night!

BFC (rowing for the island): Eh, it beats getting turned into a Haitian zombie…

To be continued…


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Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
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I assume that the island is going to be infested with crabs, and they will all get crabs without the joy involved when getting crabs.


Doktor Zymm will be thrilled.


Oh My God!!!! I’m in HRTN!!! Thank you so much, my beastly friend! And how did you know I am an extreme overpacker? You should see my purse, if weighs about 30 pounds American, full of all kinds of shit I might need, but haven’t yet. I have a little gizmo in there that holds needles and multiple colors of thread, and I haven’t sewed anything in at least 25 years. I am prepared for anything!


Beastmode is like our Will Graham, except he uses his powers for good.


I’m still weirded out by the fact you correctly guessed I have an irrational fear of being excluded.

Horatio Cornblower

This reminds me of ‘The Poseidon Adventure’, but in a good way.


Points for the accuracy of thin mints being eaten and me not partaking. Fuck thin mints.


I like them frozen, but my favorites are the lemon ones and tagalongs.


I gotta get off this raft


I’m sure the volcano will melt any remaining Thin Mints. And us too, possibly!


That raft, I call it Lampedusa because it’s way over capacity and they keep filling it!


Where are my manners?

NEW HRTN!!!11!!

comment image


Am I the only one trying to figure out who Jerry is?


JerBear is assumed.


I assumed Shogun

Horatio Cornblower

oooh, that’s awkward.


Eh, he and I got along.


Nah. He’s just… Not here…

Horatio Cornblower



Who knew Gumbygirl had a Tardis life raft?


Is the sanitarium run by the same people who run those troubled teen camps in Utah?

Last edited 8 days ago by Unsurprised

Only if they can turn a profit.


They can sell tickets to gawkers like at ol’ Bedlam.

Don T

The stuff on the raft killed me.


I’m sure there’s plenty that literally could.

Horatio Cornblower

When you’re 6″ tall you have to take your chances to help when you find them. Now, if you’ll excuse me, a “Deanna Favre” says she has a job for me, and not to worry about my size.

Sounds like everything’s comin’ up Horatio!


Horatio turned into Prince Charles so slowly nobody ever noticed.


Sounds like Horatio is coming up … *ahem*


God bless the five of you that got this joke.