Place: At the top of a very steep slope created by an earthquake when Jesus went down to hell.
Time: About twenty five seconds after Balls shot a finger gun into the air
TWBS and BALLS singing/yelling together: MY NECK! MY BACK! LICK MY PUSSY AND MY CRACK!
In front of them, there appears a gigantic beast.
TWBS: Da fuq is that?
BALLS (still singing his own made up lyrics): ..ICK MY BALLS AND MY CRACK! (to TWBS): What?
TWBS (pointing): That!
BALLS: Oh! That’s Crete’s finest!
TWBS: That means shit to me.
BALLS: That’s the Minotaur. Half man, half bull but not in the part that matters. Amirite?
TWBS: Dude, you are way too nonchalant about this!
BALLS: Relax! I’ve done this before, remember? (to Minotaur): Hey tiny human dick! This one wasn’t brought by your sister. He was only brought to see your shriveled up little human dick. Get away from us!
The Minotaur is enraged by Balls’ words and starts biting itself, jumping up and down, and twisting and turning.
BALLS: Ok, let’s run past him. Quickly.
TWBS (running): What just happened? And why were you such a dick to him? I mean, you’re normally a dick, but that was extra dickish going after his dick like that.
BALLS (slowing down as they’ve passed the Minotaur): First, you said the word “dick” A LOT. Second, this is the beginning of the Seventh Circle of Hell. You can’t be nice down here.
TWBS: Why not?
BALLS (sighing): Look, I get it. When you were up there, you were nice to too many people to your own detriment. You CANNOT do that here!
TWBS: Fuck you. I’ll be nice to whoever I want to be!
BALLS: That, my friend, will be put to the test very soon. Be careful on the way down, it’s really steep.
The two continue their descent until they reach the base of the ravine. At the base, they see a river of blood which is wide and curved. In the distance, they see a pack of centaurs galloping their way.
TWBS: Da fuq encore!
BALLS (laughing): Those are the centaurs: half man and half horse. At least they got the good end of that deal!
TWBS: I just noticed that you are obsessed with big dicks.
BALLS: Only on creatures that are half men and half beast. Remind me of that later. I’ve got something for you about that.
At that moment, one of the centaurs addresses Balls.
Centaur: What torture are ya looking for? We’ve got all kinds down here! I’m sure there’s something to suit you. Can I interest you in a dip in the river of blood? Perhaps some hot sand time?
BALLS: You haven’t changed! Hey, where’s Chiron? I’ve got to speak to that motherfucker!
Chiron appears from amongst the pack.
Chiron uses an arrow to part his beard and uncover his mouth. He speaks directly to Balls.
Chiron: Dude! What’s new? What’s with this guy you’ve brought down here? We can tell he’s not like the others.
BALLS: You’re right. I’m taking him to see everything.
BALLS: Yup. Can you do me a solid? Can you get one of your guys to carry him across the river?
Chiron: Yeah, no worries. (to one of the centaurs): Yo Nessus, take care of this. And if anyone gives you shit, you tell them to come talk to me!
BALLS: Thanks! I really appreciate it.
Chiron: Any time. Have a good one, brother!
As Chiron gallops off, TWBS gets on top of Nessus the centaur.
Nessus: You alright up there?
TWBS: Yes. Thanks! So, what is it you guys do all day?
Nessus: See those souls that are in the river? They are boiling in the blood and our job is to make sure that they don’t get any relief. If they float up higher than they are supposed to, we shoot our arrows at them and bring them back down.
TWBS: But why are they down here in the first place?
BALLS (interjecting): These are the tyrants and murderers. Tyrants not only murdered people, but also took people’s possessions, so they are deeper in the boiling blood.
TWBS: Wait! So…
BALLS: Yes. This is the one.
Balls can see the little hamster spinning the wheel inside TWBS’ mind. After a few seconds, he has finished processing what he just heard.
TWBS: I’m okay with this.
BALLS: I figured you might be. Feel like being nice to anyone down here?
TWBS: Shut up. Where is he?
BALLS: I am sure that I do not know and that it’s probably best that we don’t.
TWBS sits quietly on top of Nessus as they reach the other side. He dismounts and thanks him for the ride.
TWBS (to Balls): Well, those centaurs were sure nice! How come they’re down here?
BALLS: Well, it helps that you are a dude. They are like SUPER rapey.
BALLS: Oh yeah. Nessus, the one you were riding? Tried to rape Hercules’ wife. And then when Hercules shot him, Nessus gave a robe with his blood on it to the wife to say “sorry” and told her it would preserve Hercules’ love for her. Well, it poisoned Hercules and she hanged herself, so….
TWBS (wiping himself): Ewww! And you KNEW this?
BALLS (laughing): I told you there ain’t no good down here. Besides, we had no choice. We had to get across.
TWBS: Then why did Chiron call you “brother”?
BALLS: Big Giant Horse Dicks gotta stick together?
TWBS: You wish!
BALLS: Honestly, I don’t know. It doesn’t matter, though. It’s not like I’m going to dinner parties with the centaurs.
Balls starts walking from the edge of the river Phlegethon towards a dense forest with TWBS following behind. They hear many moans of lament and pain. Up on the trees, they see a bunch of harpies.
TWBS: Dude! She’s hot!
BALLS (sighs): Seriously, were you dropped as a child on your dick?
TWBS: I’m going to call that one Sweet Dee!
BALLS Here, to amuse yourself, why don’t you break off a branch from that tree?
TWBS does so and immediately hears a shriek of pain and a voice crying out.
VOICE: Why did you do that?!?
TWBS (to BALLS): Why did you make me do that?
BALLS: For funsies and to get your mind off the harpies. This is the Wood of the Suicides and this little tree was a person that hung himself at some point. You get the irony, right?
TWBS: Michael Hutchense?
BALLS: No, that was auto-erotic asphixiation and I’m pretty sure that was a terrible sexy accident, not a suicide.
As they talk, the tree interjects and tells TWBS his story. Of course, TWBS is fascinated. He’s a talker. After a little while, they see two souls running away from a pack of black dogs. Every once in a while, they are caught and the dogs tear off pieces of flesh until they are able to run away again.
TWBS: Da fuq was that?
BALLS: Well, the trees are people that killed themselves, essentially wasting their bodies. Those two are people that wasted their fortunes. It’s a whole punishment for wasting things thing.
TWBS: Can we move along now?
They continue walking along the forest with Balls tearing branches every few steps. He’s an asshole like that. After a long while, they get to the edge of the woods where a vast desert stands before them. It is raining fire, the sand is burning, and a stream of boiling blood runs through some cracks in the sand.
It’s pretty fucked up.
TWBS: Dude, I thought the forest was bad. This. This is not good. How the fuck are we going to cross?
BALLS: Here, put this on.
Balls hands TWBS a pair of socks.
TWBS (putting them on): Are you FUCKING kidding me?
BALLS (laughing): They look good on you! Would you rather I had given you Tarheel socks? You know they sell A LOT of those, right?
TWBS: Nope, these are perfectly good!
BALLS (walking with TWBS along a sandy path): Ok, let’s move. These socks are good, but they tend to fade out late in the season.
TWBS (seeing three groups of souls): Who are those people?
BALLS: Ok, the ones that are lying flat on the ground are…. wait for iiiit… (shoots a finger gun)
TWBS: You’ve been waiting all trip to do that, haven’t you?
BALLS: Pretty much. I mean, that’s kinda the highlight of the tour for me. Gotta make it fun, you know?
TWBS: Yeah, whatever. What about the ones crouching and the ones running around without stopping?
BALLS: Here we’re in a bit of a gray area.
TWBS: How gray?
BALLS (looking away): Charcoal.
TWBS: Wait! Is this where the Sodomites go? Where YOU are going to end up, asshole?
BALLS: Listen, as I told you earlier, Sodom was destroyed because the people were rapey, did not adhere to the code of providing safe refuge to travelers, and generally were assholes. Anal sex had NOTHING to do with it and the association of the word sodomy with anal sex is complete bullshit! Besides, the whole concept of this circle is to punish those that committed violence against people, property, and God’s divine order.
TWBS: Dude, you’re going to be bending over for all eternity just like you bent over those chicks whose asses you stuck your dick in!
BALLS: First, off, the crouchers are supposed to be usurers, which is a crime against divine order and the ones running around are the Sodomites, which, again, went against the divine order and established rule of providing safe passage to travelers.
TWBS (laughing): I think that stone has your name on it! Oh wait, you’re not going to have a stone as you’ll be too busy running around!
BALLS: At least you listened to what I said! And, need I remind you that you were also an ass-enthusiast?
TWBS: Nice euphemism. Okay, fine. I’ll back off the jokes.
The two then see a large figure that seems unbothered by all the fire and the burning snow that has just started to fall.
BALLS: That’s Capaneus. He’s kindova dick.
TWBS: That seems to be a theme.
BALLS (ignoring TWBS): Walk this way, next to the creek.
TWBS: I meant to ask you. How da fuq are there so many rivers in hell?
BALLS: Remember the Minotaur from before?
BALLS: He’s from Crete, the island in the Mediterranean. On that island, there is a mountain called Ida.
TWBS: Ida knowhatchutalkinboot!
BALLS: Nice. Well, there is a statue there of an old man facing Rome with a gold head, silver arms, hands, and chest, brass torso, iron legs, and a terra cotta right foot. The entire body except the head is cracked and tears flow from the fissures down to his feet and make their way through the rocks of the island to here. That’s the source of the Acheron, the Styx, and Phlegethon.
TWBS: What about the Lethe?
BALLS: You’ll see that later on.
TWBS: You know you can just tell me, right?
BALLS: What would be the fun in that?
As they walk along, the hear the distant roar of a gigantic waterfall. They walk towards it. As they walk, a small group of souls recognize TWBS and call out to him.
TWBS: I think I know those guys. They’re all from NC State! Do you mind if I talk to them?
BALLS: I know you’re a talker. Go ahead. But give me that rope you have around your waist. I’m gonna need it.
TWBS: Sweet! Thanks!
As TWBS gets into a conversation with a bunch of NC State people, Balls walks towards the edge of the waterfall. He takes the rope that TWBS gave him and flings it into the abyss. A loud roar is heard.
TWBS (stepping away from the NC State group towards Balls): What was that? What the fuck did you just do?
BALLS: Summoned a beast so evil and nasty that you are trying to picture it and you can’t.
TWBS: WHY DID YOU DO THAT??
BALLS: We need a ride.
TWBS: On a super evil creature that I can’t picture in my brain?
As Balls laughs his ass off, the duo walk to the edge of the waterfall.
BALLS: Check this out.
From the depths, a large figure swims up through the murky air, spreading its arms and doubling up its legs like swimming up from the bottom of the ocean. TWBS leans over to take a look.
TWBS: You are a tremendous asshole. I hope you know that.
Balls giggles as he fires a finger gun in the air.
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