Penny Farthing: B-B-B-less hi-hi-his heart, but T-T-TOM Brady and the New-New NEW ENGLAND P-Patriots l-locked up the AFC East for a g-g-generation. N-N-Now that Brady’s gone, there’s a p-p-ppower vacuum in the D-D-Divsion. N-N-now w-w-we a-a-a-appear to have a pretty s-s-s-s-s-olid team.

Crazy Jane: Now if you’re wondering why I’m doing the Dolphins at the bye now instead of last week, well, IT’S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS, OK?

With that said, to give you assholes a proper assessment, I had to wait until after the trade deadline.

Scarlet Harlot: When your team takes a pounding as much as my pussy takes a beating, you got to wait until the trade deadline to see if you have something to believe in.

Crazy Jane: Entering this week, Miami is 4-3 and for the first time in years, Miami haven’t traded away all their players for more draft picks. I was especially relieved because Xavien Howard was rumoured to be one foot out the door in the trade because GOD FORBID WE KEEP A GOOD FUCKING PLAYER ON OUR TEAM!

Well shit. The blind squirrel finally found a nut in the winter. This rebuild may actually see itself through.

Mr Nobody doing narration: Poor, Jane. She really thinks that the Miami Dolphins have turned a new page. I suppose that’s why she earned the moniker of Crazy Jane.

Scarlet Harlot: On special teams, when it comes to a punter, I need him to be a hard hitter, I need a deep stroker, not a garden snake, I need a king cobra with a hook in it, and hope it lean over. That’s exactly what Matt Haack has done. As a result, Miami keeps winning the territory battles. He’s going to the Pro Bowl.

Unlike me–where I don’t wanna spit, I wanna gulp, I wanna gag, I wanna choke– kicker Jason Sanders does not choke, as he is the only kicker to not have missed a field goal and/or an extra point attempt. Like a macaroni in a pot, he’s good for some wet ass pussy.

Silver Tongue: On Defence,despite not having anyone on the wrong side of 30, the Dolphins are now ranked the NFL’s #1 defence in points allowed. Just like me, they’re carving shit up. With injuries on offence, the defence will have to stay healthy.

Emmanuel Ogbah is tied for 11th among edge defenders with 25 quarterback pressures. He is tied for 7th in sacks and tied for 16th in run stops. Christian Wilkins is 11th among interior defensive linemen with 13 run stops. Jerome Baker’s 46 total tackles are 28th in the NFL. Kyle Van Noy’s 12 quarterback pressures are second among off-ball linebackers. Elandon Roberts is tied for 13th with five QB pressures. According to PFF,  Bobby McCain is the only defensive back that has a passer rating against of 0.0 and has more than 100 snaps. Eric Rowe is tied for second in the league for pass breakups among safeties. Xavien Howard has a passer rating against of 49.0 – second-best among cornerbacks with at least 20 pass targets. His four interceptions are tied for the most in the NFL.

In other words, as Jared Goff found out last week, when you are up against this Dolphins defence

Crazy Jane: On offence, Miami is 12th in the league on offence. Fitzpatrick did a solid job of keeping the team .500. Given his history as a starter, it makes sense that Brian Flores replaces him with Tua because it was only going to go to shit from here.

Scarlet Harlot: But at least he gave us one hell of a send off *Snaps fingers*

 

Crazy Jane: Solomon Kindley and Ereck Flowers are tied for the 11th-fewest pressures among all guards. Ted Karras is one of 14 NFL centers without a sack allowed (min. 200 pass-blocking snaps both for guards and centers).Jesse Davis was PFF’s highest grade OT this week. Jesus Christ, the Dolphins are actually creating a competent fucking line.

And I thought being shot out of a Donkey’s ass was the weirdest thing I would ever see.

Here’s where things fall apart. Miami’s running backs are more beaten up than Adrian Peterson’s children. I have no fucking clue who Tua is going to hand the ball off to next game. That’s going to put pressure on the receivers to have big game performances, which seems like a big ask from Parker, Williams and Gesicki. Which brings me to Tua.

Karen: I knew Tua and I would be together forever. Tank for Tua? Tua sounds like Tuna and we’re the Dolphins? The Dolphins and Tua go together like Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. *Giggles*

When Tua threw his first TD pass against the Rams last Sunday, well, I haven’t felt that way since Flex Mentallo tried to send us into the White Space.

Karen: Tua admitted after the game that he could have done better. Nonsense, I say! He was as perfect of a man as Mel Gibson’s character became in “What a Girl Wants”. With my love and support, Tua will throw for over 4000 yards this season and become the NFL MVP, resulting in Miami winning the Super bowl and Tua and I getting married, getting old together and then dying together like in The Notebook.

*giggles*

Crazy Jane: So where do I see Miami finishing this year? HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW!?!

My assessment is. . .

Dr. Harrison: Miami Dolphins fans are overcompensating for something. Their form, their phony darkness. How they portray themselves with sinister darkness. What we’re witnessing here is a fanbase with a classic delusion personality. This has been caused by a lifelong sense of inferiority. It most likely originated from a little girl or boy, who was their first crush, that rejected them These Dolphins fans want to be original, but despite all the sarcastic comments and judgments, there is nothing special about them.

Crazy Jane: I see the Dolphins finishing 8-8. With that said, seeing how Miami has Houston’s first round pick– as long as the Texans keep losing, Miami should get themselves another great draft pick next season. Thanks, Bill O’Brien!

NOW FUCK OFF!