Picture it. Seventy fifth minute, your star midfielder pulls up lame due to a hamstring. The surly manager looks down the bench, eyes the road weary player-coach, and contemplates his options. “Well blimey, we ain’t got no one else. Litre, you’re doing the Sabado thread”
“Skip, I have been drinking and am kind of stoned.” (Moreso now)
“Shut up you pale bastard and get in there.”
————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-
Good morning, ’tis I the late game substitute for this morning. Hippo has pulled up lame and well, I have a lot of shit to say!
Let’s take a look at what Decilitre will wake me up for in a scant 5 hours.
The early tilt in Hippo-ese is The Barcodes vs Chelski (They don’t even play in that neighboUrhood!) Peacock Premium 6:30 DFO time.
I would be remiss if I didn’t add that Hippo thinks Franck Lampard is a Tory cunt. He’s correct, also really needs to let out his pants a bit, we ain’t be needin to see the frank AND beans.
Newcastle is in 13th and at the beginning of the season I figured they would be further down the table. They have a shit owner who puts nothing into the team and the fans loathe him. As for Chelsea, they are scary good and I believe the bastards will challenge for the title this year. The additions that they have made have already provided impact. Pulsilic is banged up but they’re deeper than Mandingo.
Next game up is Villa vs the Seagulls. NBCSN 9:00 DFO time
Ole Jack Grealish has certainly been playing well this year. He’s a lying drunkdriving prick, but like in North America it doesn’t matter as long as you are good on the field. I would like Villa to win this one as I see Brighton being in the relegation zone with Fulham come spring. Brighton has had their time in the sun, back down with you.
OOOOOHH next one up is Spurs v Citeh. NBC 11:30 DFO time
I should be back from grocery shopping by then and this has the makings of a phenomenal bout. (Will end in a twbs)
Call me crazy, but I think that this is the year Spurs challenges Citeh, Reds, Chelski for the title. There is something about how Jose has transformed this team with his new signings but still keeping the attacking core. Adding Gareth “the golfer” Bale seems to paying dividends as he is rejuvinated and wants to play. In all of futbol I think Son is my favoUrite player to watch right now. He is electric on and off the ball and he runs so smoothly it is impressive.
As for Citeh they have a boat load of injuries but are so deep Guardiola ain’t care. Mendy, Fernandinho, Ake, Sterling, and Aguero have ouchies, but Manchester City is so rich, and so deep that they can run out another world class 11 and not flinch.
Next up is Wakezilla’s United v West Brom. Peacock Premium 14:00 DFO time
If Ole gets his ass handed to him in this game he is as good as gone. Personally, I need United to wake the hell up here. How the hell can they have that much talent and be so useless? Manchester United the global icon, is in lowly 14th position in the table. For a club with their pedigree and bankroll that is utterly pathetic. Their back line continues to be a question mark and they have class midfielders who can’t play together. They signed the Dutch kid to 40 million and Ole doesn’t even start him! Bad decision after bad decision will lead to his demise.
I really enjoy Pogba playing for France and in my opinion he needs to move to the continent where he will thrive once again, I feel that the English game bottlenecks him and he doesn’t have enough room to operate.
West Brom is with the likes of Burnley, Brighton, and the London Jaguras for the three that are going down. ONLY 1 SURVIVES.
The DFO match of the week happens Sunday morning when Hippo’s Evertonians make a trip to Craven Cottage to take on the Mighty Fulham. This game happens early but I guarantee we will both be up, coffee in hand, and bitching at each other. Fulham really needs a point from this game. They are in dire form and the drive for 17th continues. I am going to spare you my rage today as I am so tired of caring for a yo-yo club. I was happier when they were a league below and could go into every game and expect a chance at a win.
————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-
In other futbol news. SCOTLAND IS IN THE FUCKING EUROS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
/checks earpiece
Oh, apparently there is thing going around called Coronavirus so travel to Scotland for the matches is not allowed for now.
It has been since ’99 since the Saltire has flown at an international tournament. The Tartan Army is jacked, the expats are jacked, the diaspora is jacked. In true Scotland fashion they will lose all three matches but as they say, No Scotland, No Party.
The Scots are always the butt of European futbol jokes in the UK, as even the Northern Irish have been to a Euros. Hell, I was at the Northern Irish’s 1st game and reader I can tell you it was a hell of a party! (there was a post from 2016 but it’s long gone) The final qualifier game against Serbia went to penalty kicks after in true Scottish fashion they gave up a goal in the 90th minute. I watched extra time nervously pacing in my living room. I was tense, however Fulham striker Alexandr Mirtrovic did me a favoUr and was stopped by hero David Marshall. The same David Marshall who stonewalled Barcelona in 2003 when I was hit with a police baton in Glasgow after the game!
These reactions are pure. I was screaming, and I was alone.
Seriously though I am still insanely jacked that they qualified. Right after qualification they went out in their next two international matches and lost them both. They have not changed. In Euro 2021 they get 3 games and due to Euro 2020 being an anniversary with games all over, they get all 3 games in Great Britain. Two they get at home against the Czechs and the Croats and then they get a trip to Wembley to take on the English. DFO, we need Scotland to win that game just to stand back and watch what happens. Both fanbases would turn that place into 1970 it would be amazing.
I leave you with,
i just realized my alma mater is squaring off against redshirt’s, in a circumstance were IU isn’t totally expected to be curbstomped.
for context, last time IU beat OSU in football was the mid eighties, so neither of us were alive
we got any other big ten grads on these boards?
City and getting VAR’d vs Spurs. Name a better combination.
Was a handball though
There’s an argument out there that Curtis Martin and (eventually) Frank Gore shouldn’t be in the Hall of Fame because they are ‘compilers’ of yards. Shouldn’t the same argument be made with respect to Phil Rivers?
That’s a flawed argument. That proves longevity and talent to accrue those yards.
I’m not against this argument across the board but voters for various Hall of Fames are old white folk by and large that love themselves big numbers. As far as longevity, if an offensive lineman has an 18 year career, does that mean he’s automatically in the Hall? I’d say no.
“(cries)”
-Bjarne Stroustroup
Or any number of other players like Stafford or similarly “statistically great” non-entities 😀
He’ll eventually get in because ‘numbers’ despite the fact that he’s won one(?) playoff game.
I first read that as Phil Silvers and was all WTF?
The NFL Hall of Fame is complete bullshit anyway. Were you a medicore QB* who won two Super Bowls because a couple of receivers bailed your ass out with amazing catches? You’re in! Were you an all-time offensive lineman** who never was the center of attention? Sorry, don’t understand your position so we’re going to bump you for at least a year while we vote a criminal*** in.
*Eli
**Tony Boselli, Joe Jacoby
***Ray Lewis
It shouldn’t be the Hall of Pretty Good (and lucky to avoid injury)
Indiana’s new defensive scheme is apparently “pay attention to the quarterback, ya know, the guy who has the ball the longest on every play” and it’s working!
Refs are going for the rare “if every call is wrong, then it’s fair” strategy in the osu-indy game
Flyovers D might be for real.
I see that Disney is producing a Jeebus-y infomercial for Dabo!/Clemson. That doesn’t make me quake with rage at all.
Justin Fields is using this game to avoid being taken #1 by the Jets.
Can you blame him?
the ads constantly remind me that Hippo is the only heterosexual (albeit non-practicing) man on earth NOT to find AT&T Lily attractive
Her roommate might be more your speed
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3tNYY938dc
They Live Together, eh?
Oh, so now your interested in Lily’s AT&Ts?
Only in a year like 2020 would Indiana be the biggest game in Ohio State’s schedule.
heeeeey….
we were kinda good last year
Is it even possible for a ball to go forward if the quarteredbacks hand wasn’t going forward? Some Isaac Newton shit goin on here.
I liked how they took 13.4 seconds to confirm the call. It sounds like the Replay Official had to go to the bathroom or something.
Kinda surprised that anything is ‘progressive’ in Ohio.
“In this state we obey the laws of Aristotelian Mechanics, dammit!”
Sherrod Brown must feel awfully lonely when he goes home.
If Indiana wr’s were 7 feet tall, Penix would be one of the most accurate qb’s in the country.
So he will be a perfect fit with the Bears.
Total Ham up on Man City already.
well, shit faaaaarrrr, I ain’t switching over to that now. Pig Sooey/Cajuns will have to do
Beauty by Son.
I almost bet the Draw here, odds was right (+310, IIRC)
Sounds like a fragrance.
You want 2020 in a nutshell? Today’s biggest JV fixture is likely Wolven Sort hosting the Fightin’ Falwells.
/hopefully, they just want to watch some scoring
“Uh, where do we find the Collage Football scores?”
-Georges Braque and Picasso
Vandy, playing for FGs inside the 10 against Florida Men. Let’s see how that works out for ’em.
“THEY SCORE 7, WE SCORE 3! THAT’S HOW WE WIN!”
Good evenin’ lads, how’re y’all this fine arse evenin’?
Wait, you cunts don’t play until tomorrow? Or is it Monday Funday?
No bloody idea, lol. In fact, I was fuzzy enough on which day of the week it was today, lol… Oh, well, that’s the price you pay to fuck off as quickly as possible from the Bay area (a combined 10k miles with minimum mandatory rest periods would do that to a person)
yeah, the whole #NuAIDS era has eradicated any symbiosis I have with the space/time continuum.
Yurp, at least there’s the saving grace of not flying commercial these days… with the side-benefit of some really great sights from the left seat over the Atlantic 🙂
…that said, I should really invest in bigger (and more permanent) ferry tanks…
Flyovers with the record scratch play on D.
WHAT IS A CATCH time in Columbus
Can’t believe Penix didn’t run a play super quick to prevent the possibility of a replay review. OTOH, that’s probably the very first generous call that’s gone their way in Ohio.
Indiana Flyovers have the “Big Game Blues”.
Buckeyes score in 2 plays. As was foretold.
Took TWO PLAYS for the B1G game to become uncompetitive.
I figure Chris Berman is only hanging on to life long enough to see Indiana’s Wop Phylor make it to a Sunday Night Countdown clip.
Even without the hippo lingua franca, i have no idea what most of this fútbol talk means
Well, I guess we just have to beat Everton tomorrow.
Dream teh Most Possible Dream…
That video of Scottish reactions was so wonderfully joyful. I particularly liked the father saying “I’m so glad you got to see it, son!” to his kid. Quite touching, actually.
It was a very happy day for me. My phone was getting non stop messages. Had a smile all day.
Along those lines here was a brilliantly conceived bit on Jimmy Kimmel which also brought me much joy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n889_Hmnecg
Villa are such unbelievable cunts
UPDATE: Serves y’all right (dunno how not a yellow for simulation)
MC Lamptey Lamp sent off
/from The Wiki
During one game in the 1976 season, (coach Lee) Corso called a timeout after his team scored a touchdown early in the second quarter. The entire team huddled together for a photograph with the scoreboard filling the background. It read Indiana 7 Ohio State 6. It was the first time in 25 years that the Hoosiers had led the Buckeyes in a football game.
If you told me Indiana hadn’t scored a touchdown since that game I’d probably believe it.
Maybe it’s good that Indiana (“GO FIGHTIN’ FLYOVERS!”) are on the road to play the Buckeyes-their record is 12-66-5 and 10 of those wins have come in Ohio.
/via text just now
Supplier: Did you get my pricing via email?
Me: Yeah, I did. Send a different one with lower pricing.
Supplier: I can’t, that’s the only one I have.
/as I suspected, he doesn’t have a sense of humoUr
Canadia, too polite to haggle
It’s a swear word up here as in, “Your mother haggles the maple syrup delivery man on the regular!”
This is how you get your futbol scores in Ghana.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3a8ZW63bHwc
You have 1 job Villa. 1 fucking job.
Clemzon game cancelled/postponed
There’s a whole slew of games listed that are either cancelled or postponed. I wonder how they determine whether a game is only postponed or is utterly canceled.
Depends on the conference I think.
Yeah currently the big 10 has no bye weeks so I think any game there is cancelled, but other conferences might have weeks to make up games in.
I had zero expectations for this 10a fixture, but it’s been great. Unless you like defense.
Come on you Spurs/Seagulls!
I don’t like Welbeck, but I like those Midland Twats (especially Grealish) less.
I shall be mighty disappoint if that Brighton defender ain’t nicknamed MC Lamptey Lamp
Just did some maths and you know which D is (very) quietly getting better? The Falcons-in their 1st 5 they gave up 32.2 ppg and in their last 4 it’s gone down to 22.5. Might be a streaming option vs Saints.
u DARE doubt teh Magic Undies smh
It’ll be exciting to watch him do some RPO stuff but his career comp. % is 55. I’m betting on him shitting the cot. (and Winston coming in eventually)
Just imagine all the Crab LEGS! yuks that decision ruined.
found a funny:
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
/was listening to standup comedy
“I look silly in a cowboy hat but they are good for two things-keeping the sun out of your eyes and progressive ideas out of your head.”
Also handy to have around if you need to measure 5 gallons of something.
I’m gonna keep that in mind next time I make margaritas.
I meant to put this in the post. Fuck.
I’ll add the music:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HuBU3pzy7is
The downside of my being a WASP mutt – I really don’t identify with any European nation/heritage.
Owen Hargreaves is on the panel. People give him shit because he is from Calgary but has an English accent. HE MOVED OVERSEAS WHEN HE WAS 12.
I still have a Scottish lilt for some words and I havent lived there in 15 years.
My SIL went over to the UK for three months in the summer when she was 18 and came back with an accent.
You would think a certain Irish/Swedish/Bulgarian tank owner would be around.
/is he DFO’s most interesting man?
oh yeah, I bequeathed that title on him a few weeks ago. The Most Interesting Imaginary Person in the World
Just re-read my post. Last minute high and drunk me actually did a bit of editing. Not a lot, but some. Unless Balls did it when he scheduled it.
I didn’t touch it!
If i had a nickel for every time Balls had to say that…
Pretend Man City is getting ready for stalwart RW Chemical All’s testimonial. Fuck, do I love that dude. Left-footed right wingers are indeed shit-hot, I know understand what fellow Evertonians have pined for that way.
/and because the game has a sense of humoUr…he did feature for France against Iraq during the last Pretend World Cup.
From the interwebs:
Don Jr getting Covid fifth-hand from his dad is the closest he’ll ever get to a hug from him
This just in – Barcodes are ass on toast.
Kyle Rittenhouse bailed out on $2M bond by Ricky Schroeder and the My Pillow guy. Yeah, that’s enough news for the rest of the weekend. This fucking country…
The kid that killed a dude with his BIG GUN? I had heard the right had a go fund me for him.
Check out the celebratory tweets from Lin Wood. I’m telling you man, we might be headed up your way in the near future. My wife is in a profession Canada might deem useful. She’s a classroom teacher of autistic & other special needs kids. I really don’t want to be here anymore.
Just don’t come to my province in the next 3 years until Trumpy-premier is gone.
As I sit here, stoned, with these early waking kids, I find it impossible to believe in a few years, I’ll be screaming at them to get out of bed before noon.
5:31 Deci got up, not to mention the hour he was up at 1 am!
Littlest Fronkenspawn has completely regressed in his sleeping. Up at 3:00. Out of crib at 5:00. Thank Christ for weed.
Just got baked hahaha.
Don’t woUrry, you give up on that hopeless task (getting adolescents off vampir hours) faster than you expect.
I look foUrward to Scoot-lund burning London to the ground after curb stomping the Cuck LioUns.
/also great find on the “Disappointed Dad smells a fart” OGS pic