There’s Got To Be A Pony In There Somewhere

Bless yeahright’s heart, for amidst all the literal chaos, death, destruction, and despair of 2020, he suggested we all gather ’round the DFO clubhouse fire and share what we’re still thankful for this year.

It reminds me of the story of the family that moves to a new house, and while they’re walking around, the father and the daughter find an old shed, open it up, and it is packed floor to ceiling with manure. The little girl starts shrieking with delight, so the dad turns to her and says “why are you so happy?” and the daughter says “with all that manure,  there’s got to be a pony in there somewhere!”

As a cynic, that is not my first instinct. It’s hard to stop focusing on feline AIDS and/or the Republican Party’s complete abrogation of norms and anything resembling moral authority in order to count my blessings. But I have to say, when I stopped to think about it, it was a really good idea. In this darkest timeline, we wouldn’t make it without the optimists like yeahright pushing the rest of us to take a minute and be like, you know what? I am really fucking lucky.

And it’s funny, because a few weeks ago I had a conversation with a friend where each of us had a hard time answering “how’s it going” because we both felt like it was shitty to dwell on the things that were going well for us when so many were suffering due to a global pandemic (and malicious incompetence exacerbating it in this country). But if we stayed there and only dwelled on the negative, not just failing to look for silver linings but denying the positives in front of us…fuck, man, down that path darkness lies. 

So here we go, what BFC is grateful for, 2020 edition–

  • Have to start with my health. Thanks to cooking more for ourselves, obviously not going out to restaurants, and stress eating healthy snacks Lady BFC stocks instead of the garbage at the office, I’ve lost like 15 pounds since shelter-in-place started. Oh, and I don’t have the ‘rona, thanks to strong mask compliance and a healthy aversion/distance from other people
  • Similarly, my family is healthy. My dad is immunocompromised, my brother-in-law is immunocompromised, but thanks in part to my sister being a taskmaster, everyone’s stayed safe and healthy.
  • I’m grateful that my friends with COVID have recovered from it, even with a close call in the hospital for one and some intense symptoms from another.
  • Work is going well, we’re busy and growing as a company, and I have good humans on my team who aren’t rat fuckers and want to make the world a better place.
  • I am so goddamn grateful that we have a second bedroom and that Lady BFC ordered a desk (and a non-Peloton stationary bike) before the lockdowns went into effect.
  • Football has become less and less important to my own mental health, which is, you know, healthy and particularly helpful in a year when fellow Bears fans somehow think Tyler Bray is a legitimate option to right the ship in this garbage season.
  • I’m super fortunate to live in a place and at a time where I can get ANYTHING delivered to my door. And I pretty much have. This week, new slippers. At least once a month, top flight hooch.  Thin mints, never, but plenty of other food and methods of merriment have magically arrived with the help of a local courier.
  • 6+ million more Americans voted for Biden and Harris than the carnival barking hate-mongering clown show that is the Trump Administration
  • Really good people committed to positive change–many of whom I’m lucky enough to call friends–are angling to go into government to try and fix shit and help us turn a corner from conspiracy to recovery.
  • Proximity to the beach. While I haven’t been able to take as much advantage of it due to, well, you know, mouth breathers on the beach, I’ve been able to go for walks on it or proximate to it and enjoy those ocean sunsets I never would have been able to sea in my previous cities of residence.
  • Speaking of sea levels, FINALLY people are taking climate change seriously, and while it’s a shitty way to achieve it, there has been a meaningful reduction in emissions this year.  We have a bunch of curves to flatten, people.
  • And finally, that when this publishes, I’ll have spatchcocked my first turkey, which is something I never otherwise would have done since for sure we would have gone to a parental for Thanksgiving who would have taken care of it.
Look how sexy that is

I know that the pandering thing to do is note how grateful I am for all of you, and I am. Especially Horatio and Sharky for mailing me beer. The rest of you, get on that.

It’s a weird time to be alive, no denying that. But remember, adversity does not create character, it reveals it. And if we can’t use cliches on a dick joke blog to remind ourselves to take a minute to power through and share some love for one another, then what the fuck are we doing here?

BFC out.

Hey Folks, yeah right here.

I appreciate the lede Mr. BFC. Since you did all of the heavy lifting in the preamble to this piece I’ll just get with the bullet points. And it really has been extremely difficult to formulate positive thoughts this year.

First? I have remained extremely healthy during this entire time and my family has as well. Like myself, eldest right works at a physical location everyday but has remained safe and healthy during this Year of Our fucking Lord 2020. In all honesty? If we’re all masking up, distancing and doing the proper hygiene why would we get fucking sick at all? I mean like ever?

My family has remained safe.

2nd and this may sound counter-intuitive but I feel extremely fortunate to be able to go to a physical work location each day. After spending a few days at the start of the pandemic on vacation, that shit was driving me insane. I am not hard wired to work from home. I just gots to get out, man!

I am eternally grateful for the scientists who have expedited the vaccine process and I honest to God feel like the vaccines will help us turn the corner. I’ve mentioned before but I’m considered mission critical as an employee in government support and might be in the Phase B group of the vaccine rollout because of what I do. I even heard initial word that that could be in as few as 7-8 weeks.

There is an actual end in sight! After 8 months? Shit man I can do another 8 weeks standing on my fucking head!

I’m also thankful that I’m back in my old home town of San Pedro, although doing a move in a global fucking pandemic was a challenge in it’s own right. El Segundo was great and all but Pedro is home dammit.

I am extremely fortunate that I have a job that pays me a comfortable working wage and is a job that I actually truly fucking love.

Finally? I feel extremely fortunate to be a part in our little social experiment here at [Door Flies Open]. The writers, admins and especially the readers and commentists on this here site are truly unique, talented, intelligent and compassionate human beings and I love you all dearly.

I am eternally grateful for alcohol.

Have a wonderful, whatever the fuck you want to call it tomorrow, and thanks for being there.

Be safe, be well and be empathic.

yeah right.

— Door Flies Open —



Right quick here, let me note my appreciation for the imaginary folks on this site. The relocation to Las Vegas has been tough on the Mrs, very much exacerbated by the pandemic (“Got that Paaaaaan-Demic!”) and, all in all, it’s good to have a ‘community’ here. Props to Internet BIG TECH Dad for keeping this thing puttering down the road even with like 250 or however many posts we have archived.

Second, [Censored].

Third, I’m grateful that more PATRIOTS turned out to vote for an incumbent President than ever in US history. Plus, boat parades (honestly though — didn’t we all get a kick out of the boat parade thing?).

That’s all. Merry Christmas or whatever.

– Sebastian Othelia Blax 

 

Howdy, lizard people. It’s your friendly neighborhood Senor Weaselo here. I could go on for an obnoxiously long time about how the music world is currently fucked, and going to continue to remain fucked for at least the next year, and I don’t see unfuckification for a long time, but that’s not why we’re here. We’re supposed to dig into our inner Marshawn Lynch and say that we’re thankful because, well, we’ve made it this far, why not? So, what do we got?

I’m thankful that a chunk of my employment hasn’t gotten entirely washed out, which is a big thing by musician standards. I work as a TA & tutor and we’ve been working remotely. I definitely miss parts of coming to the building because teaching music through Zoom is terrible and the ensembles have been ravaged, but hey, I don’t have to travel almost two hours each way to get downtown and any breaks in the day I can spend doing whatever else. I do miss wandering about, walking to the Battery, but I can get other stuff done, so can’t say it’s a loss.

I’m also thankful that playing-wise this year wasn’t a total loss. I played on an album this year which was also my first foray into using GarageBand, played a bunch of flash mob-style video recordings that got picked up by various news media (like 60 Minutes), and even the gigs weren’t at completely zero. I definitely got lucky there, and so far as I know I haven’t gotten the ‘rona.

I’m thankful for the family Weaselo (parentals and Hermana) for keeping me (relatively) sane. I’m thankful that even though we’re a family of musicians in Padre Weaselo and myself, Madre Weaselo works an essential job in a hospital lab so we’ve been surviving.

I’m extremely thankful for Senorita Weaselo, who still puts up with me coming over nearly every weekend and has turned me into a lesser bubble tea connoisseur. (Drink of choice: brown sugar milk tea, boba if I feel like it.) In nearly every other respect I feel like she’s made me a more understanding person over the last two years, able to better match previous empathy.

I’m thankful that it seems our long national nightmare is coming to a close. As a Queens native… sorry about that one, I’m gonna go ahead and say our bad.

Lastly, I’m thankful for you fine people merry band of miscreants. Somehow we’re still (mostly) here, and I’ve had the good fortune to meet four of you in real life which isn’t bad for zero DFOCons attended. I know the East Coast DFOCon has been a long-time idea and I hope that it can be done someday soon. Which at this rate’ll be maybe 2022? If we’re lucky?

I think that covers the bulk of it, so stay safe out there, folks. We’ll be on the other side soon enough, fingers crossed. Can’t wait to get there.

-Senor

Reverend Mayhem

Yes, yes. Health. Nazis getting kicked out. Family.

Deacon Mayhem in his Iggy Smurf phase

I’m thankful for all these things too.

But let’s get down to the nitty-gritty.  The things that really matter.

Seriously, have you had this shit? It’s like mainlining a pixie stick, but juuuuuust as the wave of pure sugar-and-lard ecstasy peaks and threatens to drown you, the dark cocoa of the cookie cuts through. As far as I  can tell, the manufacturing process consists of putting two Double Stuf discs on top of each other and calling it a day before the FDA shows up. 

To quote the immortal Tycho Brahe of Penny Arcade, it is

like the taste of watching girls make out. It has an extraordinary power that oscillates between gentle and overwhelming, between light and dark, between pleasure and more pleasure. When it was over, I realized that I was panting. I was in possession of carnal knowledge. And I knew that, somehow, every taste beyond this point was in the service of the one that still lingered, waited, to remind me that nature has laws, and those that break them are criminals, and though they roam free enough the knowing will hold them, and keep them, until the last.

I won’t even get into the sublime abomination that is Lucky Charms in chocolate milk.

Happy Thanksgiving, y’all.  Stay safe, stay funky, and we’ll make it through.

 

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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BrettFavresColonoscopy
BFC is a Chicago native transplanted to our nation's capital and transplanted again to the mountain West, then to SoCal, then back to the mountain West, and then again back to our nation's capital. He enjoys football, whisky, and the oxford comma.
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Gumbygirl

1. Gumby
2. My cat Henry
3. Gumby’s family
4.You guys
5.Libraries
6.Vons, Stater Bros, Trader Joes
7. Captain Jack’s marijuana emporium
(Ok, that’s probably more like #3)
8. Joe motherfucking Biden

Sharkbait

comment image

scotchnaut

I’ll have a go with this thankfulness thingy

-Everyone I care for is healthy

-Scotch still exists during these trying times

-You guys. You have an out-sized effect on my mental health when I’m stressed. The banter on open threads, trying to make jokes, reading jokes, riffing on comments just gets me out of my stupid head for a while and I’m eternally grateful.

-My oldest son working at the business for the first time and learning about heretofore nebulous ideas (to him)-“work ethic”, “responsibility”, “teamwork”, etc. and embracing them.

-Hobos. They truly are “the gift that never stops giving”.

-The guys that salt the highways in the winter up here. It’s always just the right amount.

-Wifey. You all should be so fortunate.

The Maestro

Thankful for broadband internet that works most of the time, that my hellish landlord is out of the country, and that Lady Maestro thinks I’m cool. Most of the time. Also thankful for health and family and shit, I guess.

Lastly, the Popeyes chicken sandwich. Food of the gods. We’re all gonna die regardless of who’s president anyway, so I might as well go out mainlining that spicy, pickly goodness.

The Maestro

Also, you dumb fucks. You wonderful, dumb fucks, who are so much smarter and funnier than me.

SonOfSpam

(than I)

The Maestro

Like I said!

Game Time Decision

that sammy is soooooo good

Senor Weaselo

My only regret is that it doesn’t also come with a biscuit.
/He said, eating Popeyes tenders in the car

Game Time Decision

Whilst not having Thanksgiving tomorrow ( i had it at the proper time, like, 6 weeks ago), I’m still thankful for the following (in no particular order)

-that I have a job and can work remotely easily. Was already working remote a few days a week
-that I’m healthy
-that a vaccine is weeks or months away
-that Mrs GTD has a job and that she’s healthy and keeping me sane-ish
-the kidlets are health and doing well in the messed up schooling that’s occurring
-that I got a little weight set years ago and thus my workouts haven’t really changed. I get more workouts in now as I’m no longer driving the kids places
-that Mrs GTD has great Amazon skillz and gets pretty much whatever we need delivered
-that my fav brewery now delivers
-for the random recommendations of shows and movies to watch from the comments here
-for all y’all. Collectively you have helped me escape our new crazy reality with the daily posts, your humoUr, teabaging ( or other) comment threads and all the GIF and images that I can handle.

Horatio Cornblower

I am thankful for my large cock, rugged good looks, and rich fantasy life.

ballsofsteelandfury

Brick?

ArmedandHammered

Things to be tankful for:

  • My family is healthy
  • Every single thing I need can be delivered to my front door
  • My wife who keeps me sane and laughing in a non-maniacal way
  • My son who I am connecting with more and more
  • My internet friends (otherwise known as DFO kommentors)
  • Kindle books
  • Steam’s library of computer games
  • The fact that I will not be spending time with my Flatulate Shit Gibbon loving MAGA family and that his days are numbered

Beyond that, glad to still be breathing.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

When you said “tankful” I though the truck delivering the Reid family’s Thanksgiving gravy shipment had arrived.

Last edited 3 years ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
ArmedandHammered

I am in such a rush to finish this work day, not even bothering to proof read, and I am just going to leave as is.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s very uncool when people edit typos that produce subsequent jokes, so I am glad you have not gone down that path. It leads to darkness.

scotchnaut

The jokes must flow.

Horatio Cornblower

Much like the gravy into Andy’s arteries.

ArmedandHammered

Is that why his eyes are brown?

ArmedandHammered

Oh, yes, I am thankful for the stress generator that is my job for which I at least get paid.

Last edited 3 years ago by ArmedandHammered
Downfield Matriculator

Thankful for the usual suspects — family is all good, no ‘rona and steadily employed. But also wanted to say thanks to the bloggers/editors/commenters here for helping restore my faith that we have reasonable folks from around the country (and Canada!) and that we remain the majority — at least for now. For a bunch of football/dick joke blog devotees, you all do a nice job, so my hope for you all is that at some point today when you quit working, traveling, cooking, or Toobining, you can hoist glass of whatever makes you happy and get that warm feeling we all have from sharing the knowledge that, deep down, Roger Goodell is a national disgrace. Enjoy your turkey or turkey alternatives tomorrow!

JimU

Here’s something that I will probably be the only one interested in. While looking through the history of NFL on Thanksgiving, I found a game that caught my eye and it happened exactly 100 years ago today! The Chicago Boosters beat the Hammond Pros 27-0 on Thanksgiving day in the NFL’s precursor, the APFA. I had never heard of the Boosters before and they don’t have a Wikipedia page. The only other games I could find that they played were both against Green Bay, a tie in 1920 and a loss in 1921. It looks like they played their home games at DePaul Field on Chicago’s north side so I wonder if the team was made up of DePaul students and/or alumni. It was pretty common in pre-NFL days, for the professional teams to play these semi-pro teams since the teams made their own schedule. I should start a Chicago Boosters apparel company. I hope that at least one of you found this interesting.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I did!

Downfield Matriculator

Hey I was actually born in Hammond so I am interested — thx.

yeah right

There was also a team from one of my former hometowns, The Rock Island (Illinois) Independents. I would wear their jersey.
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JimU

There’s a cool alternative history where the APFA never changed its name to the NFL and teams like the Chicago Boosters and Rock Island Independents didn’t fold and became the dominant teams instead of the Bears and Packers. I should start a store with merchandise from defunct teams.

yeah right

I can easily see a market.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah that would be cool as hell. I wonder if Rappoccio would want to get in on something like that.

JimU

I wonder what the trademark situation is. I’m guessing that the defunct teams never bothered to trademark their names so those should be in the clear. I wonder if the NFL owns the trademark for the APFA.

Horatio Cornblower

I’m almost certain someone holds trademarks to things like that, and also certain that figuring out what the trademark situation is, and who holds what, would be a nightmare.

But if you could sort all that out and get your mitts on those rights you’d undoubtedly be sitting on a gold mine.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

How bad of a scheme would it be if you just made all the artwork and design and stuff and then started selling it, and then when the copyright holders for the trademarks showed up, offered them half?

Horatio Cornblower

Depends who the holders are. If it’s me, probably not bad at all. Russian gangsters? Perhaps a different story.

Horatio Cornblower

Good news, the trademark for the Decatur Staleys appears to have been abandoned.

https://trademarks.justia.com/862/01/decatur-86201128.html

Also I know shit about trademark law.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Listen to this guy Horatio – he knows shit.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Another thing I’m thankful for is the upcoming Ravens-Steelers game tomorrow.

Sharkbait

Do…do we tell him?

Horatio Cornblower

/twiddles thumbs, whistles nonchalantly

LemonJello

The Ten Things I Think I’m Thankful For:

One. The continued health of Clan Jello – No El Rona aqui!
2b. The Lady LemonJello
c. Your tax dollars flowing into my coffers as an exorbitant salary
iv. The new and improved Fortress LemonJello
%. Bourbon
6f. [DFO] and my Imaginary Internet Friends
G. Beer
y2k. Fitbawl on my teevee
Texas$. Prime Rib
Ten. [comment awaiting moderation]

Last edited 3 years ago by LemonJello
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

To expand on the above, the reason why I didn’t contribute to this post, despite my best intentions, is that I have an IDEA. It’s been eating up my writing time (and a lot of thinking time, too), and I’m thankful to have it. It’s been too long since I had an idea that I was genuinely thrilled to be thinking and writing about, and I can’t wait to share it.

SonOfSpam

Shit, you’re gonna try to get us to all sell Avon, aren’t you?

Gumbygirl

Amway

ballsofsteelandfury

Confederated Products
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blaxabbath

.

aWteC9P.gif
Horatio Cornblower

I got a good laugh out of your contribution.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s a concept that I have enthusiastically stolen from LCSS.

Horatio Cornblower

/makes mental note not to ever eat turkey that BFC has fucked

Game Time Decision

strange way to tenderize the meat, but still not going to try it

Horatio Cornblower

I will use literally any excuse to post this, Dan Akroyd’s finest work…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSxv6IGBgFQ

Sharkbait

I completely dropped the ball on contributing to the main post, so I’ll chime in here.

I’m thankful that my family has been able to mostly stay healthy. Only my father got Corona, and he only had a mild case and is back to full health. It’s been hard not seeing family, but we’re making the best of what we have (google meetings & socially distant back yard meetings).

I’m extremely thankful that I have a job that I can do remote. I know I’m very fortunate to have a job at all, let alone be in a position where I can be at home. Not everyone has that luxury, not even Mrs. Sharkbait can work from home. One silver lining of being home all the time is the bonus time I get with baby shark in the mornings before I log on, and immediately after I log off.

I’m thankful for people a lot smarter than me (the Mrs. included) that are busting their asses to get not one, but multiple vaccines out. The more and varied vaccines there are, the faster we can return to a somewhat normal state.

As cliche as this is, I’m thankful for people that are literally putting their lives on the line for others. I’m not one to bang pots at 7pm, but they are making a difference and getting us through this bullshit.

I’m thankful that adults are finally going to be in the room and our government can start somewhat acting responsibly.

I’m thankful for this little corner of the internet. Seriously. I’m hoping that I have the pleasure (misfortune?) of meeting more of you, hopefully in the coming year. Once it is safe to travel of course. I’m very appreciative that I have a space to play amateur mixologist and put my library of cocktail books to good use. That has been a fun project and I look forward to keeping it going for a while.

Happy (American) Thanksgiving to you all. Be safe and enjoy the little things.

SonOfSpam

Great job everyone!

I’m grateful for my family and my health (such as it is), and mostly that Maradona proved you can last until 60 on a diet of cocaine and more cocaine.