Is there anything worse than facing the Monday after a holiday weekend?  I think not, but 2020 has taught us all that it can always get worse.

[Closed Captioning for the Hard of Hippo provided by the Church of the Immaculate Deception, Rev. E. Mayhem presiding].

Speaking of getting worse, NYG played away to CIN.  Thanks to a Danny Dimebag [Daniel Jones] hamstring owie, much of the 2nd half featured Colt McCoy against Brandon Allen.  (For worse, skip ahead to DEN/NO)  Los Gigantes kicked their 4th FG to take a 19-10 lead with under 4 to play.  Still, they needed a fumble with 50 seconds left to avoid catastrophe.  But they held on, 19-17.  So, they take over FIRST in the NFC Special Needs Division.

Cam Newton – in a non-weather game – had a passing line of 9/18, less than 90 yards, and 2 pickerceptions.  Thanks to an immense goal line stand, another late-game Zane Diaries [Zane Gonzalez] miss, and a dumb late hit BLEERGH [penalty]…he was also the winning QB.  Folk did nae implode from 50 yards on the game winner.  20-17, and the P*ts live on for another week.  [Boooooooooooooooooooo!]

One might have noticed how more coaches and front offices have embraced analytics.  Then, there are the Gruden Grinder Raiders, kicking a FG on 4th and goal from the 5.  Down 23-3 late in Q3.  [Jesus, really? Gruden reached late-stage syphilis way earlier than I predicted when they moved to LV.] The idiot announcers creamed their pants in appreciation.  Yew gotta take the points, get some positive momentum going.  Yeah.  [Trent Green was the color commentator.  Explains a lot.]  Atlanta went on to win 43-6.  [It was so bad, there was a Nathan Peterman sighting.]  It would have been 40-6, but the Falcons staff showed how much esteem the rest of the League has for ol’ Chucky, by kicking a late 54-yarder.  [Listen, you don’t keep Younghoe Koo on the bench when in striking distance.  Gotta let the Younghoe run free]

It really was “I didn’t know that guy was still in the League!” day.  America’s favoUrite Giraffe [Mike Glennon] showed up in Duuuuuuvvvvvaaaaalll [Jacksonville], and damn near beat #ThePauls [Cleveland Browns].  But the 2-pointer failed, and the Jagura D couldn’t get the ball back for another shot.  27-25, and Believeland [#Hardland] is 8-3.  [Sickening.]  Perhaps they will go to Nashville in the first round of the playoffs.  They will absolutely get their shit pushed in.  But Nick Chubb (buck-44, another score) is the real deal. [Guess who kept KHunt and dropped Chubb when the latter went on IR? THIS GUY!]

Before we leave Mike Glennon, this glorious bit of Scotchnaut poetry deserves re-printing in full:

All I want to do when I wake up in the morning is complete a pass

Savanna, Savanna

Never thought an ecosystem like you would care for me, Savanna

All I want to do in the evening is avoid the pass rush

Savanna, Savanna

I didn’t know that you were looking for more than I could ever be!

Not quite three years ago when I played for the Bears, Savanna

Then I got released and I have to say,

Eat all the leaves, eat all the leaves, savanna, yeah.

I mean, it don’t get no better than that! [Killing me softly with his soooooong….]

A few sharps raised the possibility of the Jest [self-explanatory] getting their first win against the BloodSugarFitzMagicRedux [resurrected starter Ryan Fitzpatrick] Fish.  They lost, 20-3.  Including a shanked 29-yard FG right before halftime.  [Praise Shan’khlor!]  Nobody is begging to get fired quite like Adam Gase.  I can only guess that management fears a “dead cat bounce” under an interim that costs them Trevor Lawrence. [Ambassador Woody Johnson actually made a press statement later, saying that he was glad they were losing so that they could get to the Supreme Court faster]. That time on the sideline didn’t make Touch of Downs any better at quartered backing.

He had a better day than poor Kendall Hinton, though.  [Jesus, kid would have had better luck going Over the Top at the Somme…]  Thankfully, he managed a Q3 short toss, and avoided a complete doughnut.  But it’s almost like a guy that Wake Forest moved off QB is not equipped to come in cold and start at said position in the NFL.  I expected some hilarious entropy, but it turned out pretty sad and hard to watch.  Magic Undies [Stormin’ Mormon Taysom Hill] also tossed a bad pick (Taysom’s line was a stinky-for-any-other-matchup 9/16, 78 and said INT), which the Donks ran back to the 40 and allowed McManus to convert a 58-yard FG.  But N’Awlins would just manage to squeak out a 31-3 win.  [Sorry Hippo. At least your Donks can claim the COVIDiest loss of 2020]

I also felt bad for the Black Panthers, who managed to have the SAME GUY score fumble recovery TDs on consecutive plays (RedZone fairly confident this had never happened before, in NFL history)…and STILL LOSE THE GAME.  Despite Q4 leads of 24-13 and 27-21, they allowed Dingleberry [Kirk Cousins] some unfortunate redemption.  Teddy Ballgame [Bridgewater] willed his side, almost miraculously, into long FG range at the death.  But Slye missed by a country mile from 54, and Minny wins 28-27.  BLECH.

DonT’s Glorious Tits [Titans] got their rematch in the GravyDome [Lucas Oil Stadium]…and didn’t disappoint.  When the leaves change coloUr and the temperatures start to fall, el Tractorcito [Derrick Henry] goes into Beast Mode like no other (at least in the modern era).  178 and three scores for Henry.  A.J. Brown is perhaps the perfect WR analogy to Henry, and he went for 98 receiving, and two scores of his own (including one via onside kick return).  Laserface [Phillip Rivers] never had a chance in this one, 45-26 – and Tennessee is in first place.  Be afraid, AFC.  Be very afraid.

Clippers du Merde [Shit Clippers, aka Chargers] invaded WNY [Western New York, the correct phraseology for the area.  Fuck “Upstate”]  [Also, Wooooo!], and a turnover-fest ensued.  Brokeback QB [Josh Allen] reverted to his classic form, replete with poor decisions and no ball security.  But not-San Diego was a piece of performance art, losing by a 27-17 final.  [Woooooooo]  You want hilarity?  They managed to hit a 4th and 27 Hail Mary inside the Buffalo 5, and then managed to burn the rest of the clock trying to run the ball on consecutive plays.  [There was a delicious QB sneak attempt where the line dropped into pass blocking.  It was a complete miracle that Justin Herbert was not turned into a fine paste with how hard he got hit].  Anthony Lynn?  Also a guy just waiting for his pink slip.  [Unfairly so.  Dude has been given a succession of sows’ ears (Old Dead Rivers, 16 road games per year, etc.), and while no silk purses are forthcoming, he’s at least making some decent sisig. ]

RRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! and the Tomsulas [49ers] combined for some epic defensive performance, with each unit scoring a TD.  Santa Clara opened Q3 with a Fat Guy Pick-6, which is the most heavenly of football occurrences.  

But Nick Mullens is a really, really bad QB.  Baby Buster [Jared Goff], on the other hand, was just a mediocrity having a bad day.  Thus, LA was able to get their shit together just enough to pull into a Q4 20-17 lead.  I suspected “Game Over” – but somehow, the Tomsulas got into long FG range twice, and won 23-20.  How much drugs did I do, anyway? [All of them, Hippo.  You did all the drugs.]

You may (of definitely) have not wanted it, but you got another Nantz/Romo MRSA Dreamboat [Tom Brady] ball washing.  Never mind that Tampa is the same boneheaded, just-over-.500 side they were with Rapey Jameis.  The Narrative Must Always Be Served.  Tyreek Hill threatened Flipper Anderson’s single-game receiving record (which is 336, adjusting for era, that really is bananacakes), but the Chefs spent the 2nd half in cruise control – so he fell short.  Not that 13-for-269 (NOOOOIIIIICCCCE) is small beer!  [Also, Fuck Tyreek Hill.]  Still, the 2nd half KC performance was lethargic enough to make the score respectable (27-24), and almost let the shitass Bucs back into the contest.  PLUS SOME OF US WERE FADING GODWIN, YOU DICKS.  It also didn’t help matters that the zebras threw a flag on the Chefs’ D every goddamned play.  What can I say, the late window was at least good for writing some recaps.  NAWT saying the recaps will be any good, yew gets wut yew pay fer!

Also, I can never think/hear “Flipper” without pivoting to the Chappelle Show “Frontline: Racist Animals” bit.  OF COURSE, I can’t get a video of same to embed properly.  Eat all the ass, 2020.

[/quiet self-satisfied smirk]

A.A. Ron [Rodgers] welcomed the Bears into his Wisconsin lair (go ahead, MAKE THE JOKE, he dares ya) for SNF.  I stayed up to watch, given this is the last FITBAW we get.  Until Monday and Tuesday (thanks, #NuAIDS!!) night, that is.  [Awesome]  I switched off of Bay of Green for Los Gigantes in DFO SurvivoUr – so I had dreaded this as my potential come-uppance.  Instead, I needed A.A. Ron not to score 41+ so my money league side could get to 3-9!  After the first drive of the game (Rodgers to Davante TD, after enough time to mix a drink in the pocket), I gave up and went to sleep.  Y’all can tell me wha’ happen, later.  [Probably safe, but it might depend on league scoring rules.  Rodgers had 4 TD passes by mid-third quarter and left to film another commercial.  The Bearistocrats! showed why stats are lies, tallying two Truth Biscuit touchdown passes in the well-named Garbage Time.  41-25 is your final score, but it legitimately felt like 62-6.  Mitch had two interceptions to go with three fumbles (one lost) in a virtuoso performance. At least Bob from Mokena has something besides “Daaaa, they shouldn’ta switched out Trubinsky, cuz we were winnin’ when he was playing”  to bitch about on tomorrow’s Bears Monday call-in segment.  Biggest question now is whether Ryan Pace is going to get another chance to overdraft a project QB, and whether Matt Nagy will stab him with a kicking tee.]