The 9 Circles of Leasts – 2020 Edition

Two things this past year has brought me unbridled joy. The two things almost seem like they are dichotomy opposed. See, my girlfriend struggles with anxiety, so she has a weekly call with her psychologist. During these calls, I put on my 2020 outdoor wear. Which looks like a cross between a plague doctor, scavenger from Fallout 3, and unnamed street goon in a 1990’s video game wearing a mask and a hoodie who had a little mini cut scene where he was spray painting on a wall before the Ninja Turtles or kids from River City Ransom or Double Dragon come onto the stage. So here I drive up to the grocery store, and I sit and watch people for a while. See, there is an odd thing that happens in the Northern Virginia/ DC area. I never came across it before in Texas or my life in the South.

See people here, love, and I mean LOVE to back into parking spaces. Keep in mind the average person here can’t drive and hasn’t really driven in a few months, so on any given day, a parking lot is one heavy car horn blow away from breaking into a brawl. So you may be wondering why this brings you joy. It doesn’t. I’m not a psychopath. Jeez, give me some credit. I am a sociopath… I like to watch that moment when these people walk out of the store worn down from the slog of shopping coming out to their car. And just as they round the corner, you can see a little glimpse of happiness in their eyes, taking a huge sigh of relief and starting to think about all that great food they are about to cook. Then reality sets in, and they push their full cart to the car and realized they backed into their spot, and their world abruptly comes to a crashing end. You don’t even need to see their facial expressions, you can see in their eyes all their hopes and dreams removed from their soul with surgical precision. My God it is beatiful.

The other thing I have strongly found joy in… Hallmark crime movies. No, no, no, I am not talking about those old PBS/BBC Masterpiece theatre-type stuff. I am not watching Poirot or Ms. Marple. No Hallmark Murder Mystery this mad-libbed Murder by Number mysteries designed to make soccer moms seem smart when they guess the killer right. Like those Facebook “IQ” tests that companies are using to take all your data but are shared by the former stripper single mom who has found the power of Christ through QAnon, recovery, and Donald Trump, we ALL went to high school with one.

Here’s the premise of every Hallmark Murder Mystery.

Meet (insert name) to be played by (actress from the 90’s) she is a single woman working as a (insert random job). She has a married younger sister who has (insert number 0.5-2) children played by (Canadian actress). Her mom (played by an actress from a show you loved from the ’70s or ’80s) keeps asking her when she will settle down and give her some more grandkids. Her love interest in this show is Mark (insert random last name), and he is a former (Detective, CIA super spy, FBI guy) who just moved to town. They try to solve the murder of the town’s asshole because ya know the local police are inept and hate solving crimes.

In Hallmark movies, the leads barely kiss, and even when a murderer threatens the woman solving the crime, there are always 1-3 guys vying to be the one to “take the couch.” No one ever gets divorced, or if they do, they are the town’s pariah. Every person who is single are either a spinster, or their spouse tragically died from illness, murder, or car accident. That rich asshole from high school is now secretly poor with a load of debt because they drove their parent’s company into the ground. The ne’er-do-well with a heart of gold? Well, they will be framed for murder, and you are the only one to believe they are innocent because they had a sweet smile or something. Anyways they will still be found dead… because they did drugs or something.

Now which one is my favorite? Well, that’s hard to choose

The current most popular one is Candice Cameron, the town Librarian solving murders.

Then you have:

  • Jewel flipping houses while solving murders
  • Winnie Cooper is a professional matchmaker solving murders
  • The youngest from Party of Five creates crossword puzzles and solves murders
  • Aunt Becky used to own an antique shop and solved murders (then mysteriously went away!)
  • Brooke Shields was a florist who solved murders
  • Allison Sweeny was a baker solving murders (she now runs a true-crime podcast… and solves murders)
  • To flip the script Joshua Jackson’s older brother from Dawsons Creek plays a male cook who solves murders with a lady detective!! how progressive!

What I am trying to say here is FUCK 2020. It’s bringing the worst out of me, or should I say it’s unleashing the Leasts. And while it would be simple lazy the correct answer to just throw down Trump for every one of these or, if we’re being political about it, the Bears offense. Let’s pretend these are not the only right answers and saddle up.

First Circle (Limbo) – All of us, each and every one of us living right now in this world. We are all living under the sword of Damocles. We are baking bread like maniacs, shaving our heads, growing our beards, and that’s just the womenfolk. We are fighting for our lives physically and metaphorically, and the only bright side at the end of the tunnel is Joe F’ing Biden, and most people still think that’s a freight train coming our way.

Second Circle (Lust) – The dumpster fire of the NFC East, while it seems like a new fire, is the same fire burning for the past few years. We didn’t start it, but while it’s doing little for the NFL, it’s at least a friendly cozy fire to pull up to watch and roast some marshmallows and make some smores. The trash burning adds a little flavor. Add TB12 packing up and getting his super-secret bonuses paid by someone else. TB12 is a fake company so that football clubs can pay him for consulting fees and buy his Gweneth Paltrow Goop for sports bros in bulk but sign him for the lowest possible rate for his on the field services. If some rube buys his overpriced snake oil, then that’s gravy. A Cam Newton led Patriots with Lord Grumble still there… I grew up for a few years in Dedham. Mass and I loved the Drew Bledsoe, Curtis Martin & Ben Coates Patriots. Then Brady came in like he was Super Cena, and the underdog glint was lost. There was no struggle, and now they are in the middle of the pack… games aren’t just going to be given to them? What? Wow, I am more confused than your aunt is about Elliot Page (btw, good for him, you do you, bro).

Third Circle (Gluttony) – The world shuts down, and everyone starts ordering shit to be delivered. Amazon pays its employees to pack and deliver those packages like shit and fire them if they try to take one. Instant Cart, Uber Eats, and what other stupid delivery service makes their non-employees brave the plague-filled world with no health care for pennies on the dollar they make themselves after you take into account the gas the drivers have to pay and the wear on their cars. Also, Murtle the Turtle is sitting on relief bills because he wants companies to get a waiver for putting employees’ health at risk, like Publix, who told employees in Florida they were not allowed to wear a mask. An employee got Covid and died. The family is now suing them for $100MM.

Fourth Circle (Greed) – The lesser footy-football teams play right now; games are getting canceled and moved around and strong-armed into playing. Is it for the kids? No, it’s for that sweet-sweet commercial and bowl money. Don’t worry; we don’t know how even mild cases can have long-term effects on players’ health. Sure you can believe future used car dealership owner Trevor Lawrence wants to play because of “the love of the game” vs. “I don’t want to lose 20MM off my soon $170MM rookie contract because no one played for a year for health reasons”. But the average player is putting his and his families health and life at risk so ‘Bama can make another billion dollars and give that same player no real education because the practice schedule means they can only go for a communications degree because the classes are all between 10am and 2pm and pay low tier near Division 2 teams like Mississippi State or Vandy to lose to them like their name was Peter McNeely U to maintain an inflated record so they can play for a championship.

Fifth Circle (Anger) – WEAR A DAMN MASK. THIS SHIT WOULD BE OVER RIGHT NOW IF FOLKS WORE A MASK AND STAYED INSIDE FOR A FEW WEEKS. SOME SAY ITS A DEATH CULT. NO IM PRETTY SURE THEY ARE THE SAME ASSHOLES WHO ARE TRYING TO GET ISREAL AND PALESTINE TO ERUPT IN ARMAGEDDON BECAUSE IN THEIR EYES IT BRINGS US ONE STEP CLOSER TO JESUS COMING BACK AND THERE JESUS IS TRUMP BECAUSE THEY BOTH SPENT TIME WITH PROSTITUTES?

Sixth Circle (Heresy) – The celebs singing Imagine. Look, it’s not that great of a song, and it was ghostwritten by Forrest Gump. The only acceptable version of it by A Perfect Circle because they embrace the true meaning behind it as a nihilistic view of a world coming together for a brief moment right before the world comes to a crashing end. Way to cheer us up, Wonder Woman. I guess we should just be happy that Jimmy Fallon was sober enough to slur his way through it? It’s the small victories in life that count.

Seventh Circle (Violence) – Me. Look, I understand this year has sucked, and it’s been rough, and I hate raining on others’ parade and how they gather a small glimpse of happiness. If you want to put up Christmas decorations in July, do it. There are no rules anymore. However, if you post one more “2020 Bingo Card” meme, and I am preemptively telling you when if February/March comes along, you even think about posting “2020 SUCKS SO BAD ITS 13-14 MONTHS LONG.” I will hunt you down and make you regret it by committing an act of violence so heinous you will BEG me to watch Carlos Mencia do stand-up instead.

Eighth Circle (Fraud) – Jared Kushner, a New York native, was sitting on Trump’s shoulders like Iago the Parrot (hey don’t you dare push up those “well actually” glasses just because you watched O with Josh Hartnett and want to be all Shakespearian) telling him that well Covid is only affecting Blue states so no need to act. We are in a world of hell, and the rest of the world is banning us from coming to their countries because “Well, the only ones getting sick when it started voted democrat.”

Ninth Circle (Treachery) – Trump, Goodell…

 

 

 

…and the Chicago Bears Offense

 

 

 

So how are y’all doing?

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I am sofa king happy to see this feature back.

yeah right

Welcome back Duchess.

This was a great read.

Unsurprised

Fuck everyone.
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Horatio Cornblower

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Just kidding. We don’t pay them for shit, either.

Horatio Cornblower

Lori Loughlin having kids who were not only shitty but stupid was the best thing to ever happen to Candace Bure’s career.

Unsurprised

Too stupid for USC

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s not a thing.

Unsurprised

I hate myself for using delivery for groceries and pizza, especially when I did the groceries to quarantine and ended up not going out after all that work. HOWEVER, at least I have the bare minimum decency to tip in cash for groceries because of how Instacart fucks over their employees and give them $20 each. Pizza gets $10. That also keeps these rare because I’m still a cheap bastard, although a $20 tip on $100+ of groceries seems like the least I could do/fair.

Anyway. I had to call a mental health day today and only got up because I was finally motivated to write an email about lawyer well-being I’ve been unable to write for months.

WEIRD

Well. Back to it.

litre_cola

Agreed with everything Duchess. Nice to have you back. Personally I stay away from every Hallmark movie because at any moment Hugh Grant could show up. Then I would be down a tv as it would be thrown over the balcony.

Horatio Cornblower

He was great in The Gentlemen

Horatio Cornblower

Never once broke out a pair of pure white sneakers.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Jewel is still working? Is she still hot?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

So yeah

Horatio Cornblower

The horrified look of someone who realizes that all those Grammys have led her to Hallmark.

Who’s going to save your soul indeed?

ballsofsteelandfury

SO happy to have you back!!

Btw, Youngest of Party of Five is super hot
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ballsofsteelandfury

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Horatio Cornblower

Why am I not surprised that not a single clue has been filled out in that crossword puzzle?

LemonJello

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Unsurprised

I prefer the pushup bra look from when she did Maxim.
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Unsurprised

Bonus BTS video

h

ttps://www.gifdeliverynetwork.com/detailedfortunatelamb

(not super NSFW. It’s just that the URL was broken otherwise)

Last edited 3 years ago by Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Don T

Highness, I’d like to get your ranking on cultured “chicken”.

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/food/2020/dec/04/no-kill-lab-grown-chicken-burger-restaurant-israel

I’m on the fence meself, but this is full-on, “Gimme a fucking break” sophistry
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Don T

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Sharkbait

Holy shit that was fantastic.

Also, Candice Cameron. Famous for marrying the wrong Bure.

ballsofsteelandfury

He knows what to do with his hands, though…
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Horatio Cornblower

Love to see the recovering meth addict posing in front of an ad for vodka, a beverage that has never led to a bad decision, ever.

Unsurprised

Indeed. Getting ridiculously drunk off it repeatedly never even got me laid.

Sharkbait

Of course they did.

She should make a silky mitts joke to confuse the hell out of them

LemonJello

This really brightened up my morning.

And I mean that.

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