Instant Hippo Thoughts and Wild Card 4 of 6, Bitches! Game Thread

King Hippo

There were three fixtures played yesterday.  Well, two fixtures and a woodchipper feeding.

[Closed Captioning for the Hard of Hippo provided by the Church of the Immaculate Deception, Rev. E. Mayhem]

Humps [Colts] and Bills [Wooooooo!] was actually quite compelling.  [Woooooooooooo!] You had two analytics-friendly coaches, who had the bollocks to…coach that way, in January.  [Woo!] Good to both of them.  [WOO!] In particular, Indy had an excellent game plan, allowing them to control time of possession and have a chance to pip it at the end.  After three “close but no cigar” VAR calls (accurately) went against Indy early, they finally caught a break inside of 30 seconds.  What looked a probable – but I guess not indisputable – game-ending fumble “stood as called” (down by contact).  [Boooooooo!] But Laserface just doesn’t have the arm to make any kind of tight-window throw.  [Wooo!] The last 4 plays, inside the 50?  -1 yard completion, incomplete, incomplete, Very Sad Hail Mary (also incomplete, and at least 5-6 yards short of the end zone). [WOOOOOO!] 27-24, Buffalo hangs onto to the win.  [WØØÖÖÕŌŌÖÖØØØØ!!!!!!!]  And despite playing about as well as he could, given his physical limitations – this needs to be it for Old Man Rivers.  [Truth. He’s not Noodly-Armed Late Peyton, but he’s reached the downward inflection point where he’ll start costing a team more opportunities than he creates]. Indy has to try for better, and I’d rather not see a Wolven Sort end his career in humiliation. [Wooooooooooooo!]

The great thing for Buffalo?  They took the best shot of a very dangerous (for them, given the dominant Humps OL) matchup – and survived into the next round.  [Also, surviving the League and God’s attempt to fuck them on the fumble replay. I was CERTAIN this would be the next Immaculate Deception/No Goal] That has to give them all the confidence in the world, whether they get PIT (likely) or the BAL/TN winner in the Divisional Round.  Brokeback [Josh Allen Woooo] didn’t crack up on the big stage (against a very good defense), and neither did Sean McDermott.  I think we are getting BUF at KC for a trip to the Owl, and it will be an absolute treat for the neutral.  And whoever wins that round will also take the Lombardi.

You might have expected some…less-than-stellar QB play in Fish Tossing Land [Seattle. Or possibly the Island of Lesbos] and you weren’t disappointed.  This was the passing line of the best, non-maimed QB on the day – 9/19, 155 yards.  It took a garbage time drive for Charmslinger [Russell “Let Russell Undercook” Wilson] to even attempt as many throws as Baby Buster [surgically-repaired killbot Jared Goff]- and he played all 4 quarters, with all 5 functioning fingers on his throwing hand.  11/27, 174 yards, 1 non-garbage time TD for each squadron.  That pick 6 really enabled RRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! to keep the SeaTruthers at arms’ length the rest of the way, and their DL absolutely dominated the proceedings.  Anyway, 30-20 was the score, though there was nowhere near the offensive competence we saw in game 1.

Aaron Donald may have broken a few ribs, though.  [Booo!] Good luck in Lambeau if that’s the case, fuckadoos.  We’ll see if Wake Forest Guy can move his head and remembers who he is by next weekend.  I’m Trent Green, And So Can You!

One has to whisper this quietly – but I really think Coach Carroll needs to spend MOAR time “de-bunking” the 9/11 Commission Report, and let there be a new voice in that locker room.  Things have gone stale as fuck in Seattle.

I watched two drives of MRSA [Tampa] away to Team [Washington Redacteds], and you couldn’t pay me to watch any more of it.  Nor to listen to Antonio Brown bellow in happiness, and Count Dungy suck MRSA Dreamboat dry.  Poor Mike Tirico, having to sit patiently and pretending nothing grotesque is going down.  A Chase Young/FedEx “turf” crippling of Brady is always possible, but if it happens, I shall just read about it in the morning.  But why should anything nice ever happen? [So far, so brutal in the 3rd quarter. The NFC really was a goddamned skidmark this year, to the extent that I have suspicions even re: the Packers. Tampa feasted on sub-.500 teams and the fact that Washington “won” a professional football division with .4 of a functional quarterback on the entire roster is perfectly reflective of this pox-ridden season’s fuckery. Now watch them beat the Bills in the Super Bowl]

Baltimore (-3) at Tennessee (1:05, ABC/ESPN)

Are we gonna get some kind of “broadcast choice” or is this just a weird simulcast?  You don’t get SpongeRob and Squidward until game 5!

Anyway, you will see some mouths smashed, and some rushing yardage.  The open question is whether Lamar! can also make some plays in the air, and whether the Tits can manage just a FEW stops.  Or better, a turnover or two.  [Drools in Andy Reid]  There is one X-factor in favoUr of DonT’s Magnificent Tits – AJ Brown.  To me, he’s matchup proof.  The Ratbirds don’t have a pass catcher that scary.  But they do have a Lamar!  Should make for fascinating viewing, and lots of sacrifices made to the Gods of Puerto Rico’s Magic Burger King.

Get you caffeine, and empty your colons early.  The couch and/or recliner awaits.  Fuck the outside world. [WOOOOOO!]

5 3 votes
Article Rating
King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
Subscribe
Notify of
362 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Doktor Zymm

Can we combine the Tits O with the Team D and put them in the next round instead of the Steelers or Rams?

scotchnaut

Next threadski is upski.

Game Time Decision

As a fellow Ontarian, does that mean its closed for skiing?

JimU

This guy, Derrick Henry. I call him D.B. Cooper because he disappeared.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So that result is not quite the exact opposite of what Horatio wanted, but it’s pretty close.

Horatio Cornblower

This is why I don’t gamble.

Don T

Espej Deportes folks eating Lamar! alive for leaving the field w/o shaking hands and stuff. Neh, let the guy emote.

Horatio Cornblower

Looked like there might have been something going on with either the crowd or some of the Titans.

Doktor Zymm

Shaking hands is dead, I’m sure he’ll write a nice note to thank the Titan’s for hosting and good game

scotchnaut

Gus Edwards needs to hold out and force a trade. He has all the attributes of a lead back and he’ll be holding Dobbins jock next year.

herodotus450

Did the Ravens get a penalty for the logo dancing? Cause it seems like the best way to deter similar behavior in the future would be to NOT keep showing the replay of it every 5 seconds.

Horatio Cornblower

It’s much easier to root for the Ravens now that Modell is dead.

Spur

comment image

Don T

Go for it! BWACK bwackbwack b🥲😢😭