Instant Hippo Thoughts and Wild Card 4 of 6, Bitches! Game Thread

King Hippo
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There were three fixtures played yesterday.  Well, two fixtures and a woodchipper feeding.

[Closed Captioning for the Hard of Hippo provided by the Church of the Immaculate Deception, Rev. E. Mayhem]

Humps [Colts] and Bills [Wooooooo!] was actually quite compelling.  [Woooooooooooo!] You had two analytics-friendly coaches, who had the bollocks to…coach that way, in January.  [Woo!] Good to both of them.  [WOO!] In particular, Indy had an excellent game plan, allowing them to control time of possession and have a chance to pip it at the end.  After three “close but no cigar” VAR calls (accurately) went against Indy early, they finally caught a break inside of 30 seconds.  What looked a probable – but I guess not indisputable – game-ending fumble “stood as called” (down by contact).  [Boooooooo!] But Laserface just doesn’t have the arm to make any kind of tight-window throw.  [Wooo!] The last 4 plays, inside the 50?  -1 yard completion, incomplete, incomplete, Very Sad Hail Mary (also incomplete, and at least 5-6 yards short of the end zone). [WOOOOOO!] 27-24, Buffalo hangs onto to the win.  [WØØÖÖÕŌŌÖÖØØØØ!!!!!!!]  And despite playing about as well as he could, given his physical limitations – this needs to be it for Old Man Rivers.  [Truth. He’s not Noodly-Armed Late Peyton, but he’s reached the downward inflection point where he’ll start costing a team more opportunities than he creates]. Indy has to try for better, and I’d rather not see a Wolven Sort end his career in humiliation. [Wooooooooooooo!]

The great thing for Buffalo?  They took the best shot of a very dangerous (for them, given the dominant Humps OL) matchup – and survived into the next round.  [Also, surviving the League and God’s attempt to fuck them on the fumble replay. I was CERTAIN this would be the next Immaculate Deception/No Goal] That has to give them all the confidence in the world, whether they get PIT (likely) or the BAL/TN winner in the Divisional Round.  Brokeback [Josh Allen Woooo] didn’t crack up on the big stage (against a very good defense), and neither did Sean McDermott.  I think we are getting BUF at KC for a trip to the Owl, and it will be an absolute treat for the neutral.  And whoever wins that round will also take the Lombardi.

You might have expected some…less-than-stellar QB play in Fish Tossing Land [Seattle. Or possibly the Island of Lesbos] and you weren’t disappointed.  This was the passing line of the best, non-maimed QB on the day – 9/19, 155 yards.  It took a garbage time drive for Charmslinger [Russell “Let Russell Undercook” Wilson] to even attempt as many throws as Baby Buster [surgically-repaired killbot Jared Goff]- and he played all 4 quarters, with all 5 functioning fingers on his throwing hand.  11/27, 174 yards, 1 non-garbage time TD for each squadron.  That pick 6 really enabled RRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! to keep the SeaTruthers at arms’ length the rest of the way, and their DL absolutely dominated the proceedings.  Anyway, 30-20 was the score, though there was nowhere near the offensive competence we saw in game 1.

Aaron Donald may have broken a few ribs, though.  [Booo!] Good luck in Lambeau if that’s the case, fuckadoos.  We’ll see if Wake Forest Guy can move his head and remembers who he is by next weekend.  I’m Trent Green, And So Can You!

One has to whisper this quietly – but I really think Coach Carroll needs to spend MOAR time “de-bunking” the 9/11 Commission Report, and let there be a new voice in that locker room.  Things have gone stale as fuck in Seattle.

I watched two drives of MRSA [Tampa] away to Team [Washington Redacteds], and you couldn’t pay me to watch any more of it.  Nor to listen to Antonio Brown bellow in happiness, and Count Dungy suck MRSA Dreamboat dry.  Poor Mike Tirico, having to sit patiently and pretending nothing grotesque is going down.  A Chase Young/FedEx “turf” crippling of Brady is always possible, but if it happens, I shall just read about it in the morning.  But why should anything nice ever happen? [So far, so brutal in the 3rd quarter. The NFC really was a goddamned skidmark this year, to the extent that I have suspicions even re: the Packers. Tampa feasted on sub-.500 teams and the fact that Washington “won” a professional football division with .4 of a functional quarterback on the entire roster is perfectly reflective of this pox-ridden season’s fuckery. Now watch them beat the Bills in the Super Bowl]

Baltimore (-3) at Tennessee (1:05, ABC/ESPN)

Are we gonna get some kind of “broadcast choice” or is this just a weird simulcast?  You don’t get SpongeRob and Squidward until game 5!

Anyway, you will see some mouths smashed, and some rushing yardage.  The open question is whether Lamar! can also make some plays in the air, and whether the Tits can manage just a FEW stops.  Or better, a turnover or two.  [Drools in Andy Reid]  There is one X-factor in favoUr of DonT’s Magnificent Tits – AJ Brown.  To me, he’s matchup proof.  The Ratbirds don’t have a pass catcher that scary.  But they do have a Lamar!  Should make for fascinating viewing, and lots of sacrifices made to the Gods of Puerto Rico’s Magic Burger King.

Get you caffeine, and empty your colons early.  The couch and/or recliner awaits.  Fuck the outside world. [WOOOOOO!]

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King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Gumbygirl

Firkser firksed for a big gain!

Fronkenshteen

Team getting beat means the most dangerous defensive player in the league is out of the playoffs. That kind of sucks.

Doktor Zymm

Too bad Team didn’t have at least the talents of the Empty Husk of Peyton Manning on offense

clint greasewood

It was a forward pass.

Don T

Malcolm Butler has balled. All season he’s avoided PI despite being handsier than an old school Puerto Rican Day parade. Playoff DPI rules should help.

litre_cola

Good day sirs and madams, hope you are all well. Day 10 of dry January and no homicides yet!

clint greasewood

This is might get ugly.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

– nobody working in a leadership position at the Capitol Police, apparently

clint greasewood

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Last edited 1 month ago by clint greasewood
scotchnaut

-Tori Spelling’s plastic surgeon

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I feel like Horatio may have jinxed Lamar.

Horatio Cornblower

Nah, I just said I hoped he’d do well; I didn’t bet any money on him.
/Glares at Hippo

ArmedandHammered

Afternoon (local NC time) everyone.

Spur

Brown just held onto the ball.

Spur

Do something
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Gumbygirl

Not that. Something else.

ArmedandHammered

Being married to a lawyer, I have found being specific in a request is required.

Cecil Rhodes

This Firkser is quite a gritty player. I wonder where he would rank on the DFO scale of grittiness? Between Hunter Renfrow and Danny Woodhead? Or between Wes Welker and Peyton Hillis? Surely, he’s no John Riggins.

Last edited 1 month ago by Cecil Rhodes
Fronkenshteen

“Who’s Wes Welker?”

-Wes Welker

The Maestro

You besmirch the memory of the illustrious John Kuhn!

Cecil Rhodes

Ah yes, how could I forget. One yard gains on third down will never be the same again.

Don T

Ahem, Firkser is a Harvard Man.
/pinky out, scratches crotch

Fronkenshteen

Fuck to the YEAH!

Doktor Zymm

Well damn, lookit Tanny to AJ!

Don T

ALL-PRO wide receiver AJ Brown.
Thanyouverymuch

litre_cola

Frustrating FF player A. Brown?

scotchnaut

Imagine if he played in a passing offense…

hippofant

Hm, wish I could get Mina Kimes commentating on ESPN+…

litre_cola

100% have a crush on her.

Fronkenshteen

Firks down!

Horatio Cornblower

Everyone seems to get a little healthier for the play-offs indeed, Steve.
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Horatio Cornblower

I would like the Titans to win while Lamar! goes for 300+ passing, 80+ rushing, and 4 TDs combined, just to shut his detractors up, but I probably can’t have both.

Last edited 1 month ago by Horatio Cornblower
Doktor Zymm

I second this. Lamar! Is fun to watch and seems like a decent dude. He makes the Ravens far less hateable, but still pro-Tits here

clint greasewood

We have snow here in Austin Texas, moved down here from Connecticut to avoid this.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Isn’t that where MakeItSnow lives? He got his wish!

litre_cola

Thought he was Denver.

Horatio Cornblower

Yeah he’s somewhere in CO these days.

Horatio Cornblower

I’m in CT, there isn’t any snow in sight and I just cleaned up outside without bothering with even a sweatshirt.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Snow here just north of San Antonio too. Even a bit of accumulation.

Fronkenshteen

Tractorcito’s first half 2 yard runs should be described as “applying the base coat of bruises”.

scotchnaut

When looking around for info for the game intros a Browns site said that their last playoff road win was in 1969 vs the Cowboys. I figured they for sure had won one in the 80’s.

Fronkenshteen

I wish one of the remote Titans fan TV screens was just a cigarette in an ashtray and the flag of Puerto Rico.

/pulling for your squadoo, Don T. HARD!!

Gumbygirl

Stop pulling your squadoo, the game is on!

Fronkenshteen

[dies of embarrassment]

Cecil Rhodes

Greetings, gentlemen. What an exciting opening contest we have here. Though it was a challenging decision, I must back King Henry’s Titan’s today. I simply cannot back a squadron that has so many French nobles among the ranks (Duvernay, Ricard, and of course, that brute Calais Campbell).

Last edited 1 month ago by Cecil Rhodes
Spur

“King Henry’s Tits”

Horatio Cornblower

Did he keep the tits after he dispensed with their heads? Because that would be pretty gross, actually.

scotchnaut

Shhhh! I’m working on a ‘Tits In A Jar’ product. The first round of funding has netted me almost $59!

Don T

I like your style, Guv.

Don T

TEN 3-rd down stop!
/looks at sky for meteor

Horatio Cornblower

Too bad that radio telescope fell apart, huh?

Doktor Zymm

I can try to break in to the Mauna kea observatory

Doktor Zymm

Woo for the game being on while waiting for my breakfast takeout!

Spur

Wearing my purple camo undies today

Don T

TEN punt inside the 20. Everything’s normal.

scotchnaut

Only 7 more games after this day is done, folks.

Don T

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

> TEN’s 3rd down D allows a conversion 51.9% of the time, worst in NFL history…

BREAKING: That’s My Raiders! have sued the Tennessee Titans for copyright infringement.

Spur
Spur

The Officer that died at the Capital Riot, Officer Sicknick, was a Trump supporter. His family confirmed.

https://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-election-policeofficer/us-capitol-police-officer-who-died-after-violent-assault-loved-his-job-idUSKBN29E0QE

hippofant

Trump supporters chanting Blue Lives Matter killing a Trump supporter cop in a Trump-instigated coup attempt that Trump refuses to acknowledge is pretty peak Trump.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Like, the leopards almost literally ate his face.

Gumbygirl

Wonder if he had a deathbed conversion?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

When you said “deathbed conversion” I thought you were talking about Frank Gore’s final play in the NFL.

Spur

well he did start to identify as a vegetable at the end

Horatio Cornblower

He died doing what he loved, attending a Trump rally.

yeah right

Takes a bit of the sting off don’t it?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

In all honesty, no. I have taken great delight in the death of the other four insurrectionists, but this guy’s death is pretty awful.

Bloody Lethal

I am all for using data to inform your decisions, but I feel the Colts ultimately lost that game by shooting themselves in the foot at the end of the 2nd quarter. The combination of silly play-calling and going on the 4th down after losing yardage, plus the meaning of the timing of that failure in the game… It stunk to see it. Trends change and as soon as the 4th down crowd witnesses enough backfires, it’ll probably over-correct the other way.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=93NnaKMDUSo&ab_channel=BobDylanVEVO

Bloody Lethal

I agree to an extent, but as a believer in “Ice Tilt”, it was a 14 point swing that didn’t need to happen.

Also not to presume to know much better but is this really your best opening to a 4 yd goal to go situation?

1st & Goal at BUF 4

  • (3:15 – 2nd) (Shotgun) P.Rivers pass short middle to T.Burton to BUF 2 for 2 yards (M.Milano; Q.Jefferson).

2nd & Goal at BUF 2

  • (2:36 – 2nd) P.Rivers at WR. (Shotgun) Direct snap to N.Hines. N.Hines up the middle to BUF 1 for 1 yard (M.Milano, T.Edmunds).

Shovel pass and direct snap when you have a star RB and monster OL?

Spur

Moring Folks

Don T

moring

Gumbygirl

Lamar sez he had cramps! And he was not poopin his pants, dammit. Sure Lamar.

Senor Weaselo

You ain’t cool unless you poop your pants.

Senor Weaselo

It’s not going well.

Don T

#EqualTime
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Don T

2021 status: Everything is possible
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Mother Puncher

Jello has made clear he doesn’t control that account, so it doesn’t ruin my love of DK

Gumbygirl

Nazi punks, fuck off!

Horatio Cornblower

“Let’s Pay The Landlord On Time”

Don T

Getting shitfaced curbs stress eating
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Don T

Not a single Derrick Henry hype video. LinkedIn sucks!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Have you tried Parler? Oh, wait.

scotchnaut

Anyone want to make some lemon ketchup from an 1899 cook book?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZur_VwdGWQ&ab_channel=GlenAndFriendsCooking

yeah right

I’m your huckleberry.

Gumbygirl

I watched the video. Seems like a lot of work for something they didn’t really like. And it took until the 8 minute mark before I was 100% sure that was a dude!

scotchnaut

“You apologize to Glen RIGHT NOW!”

Gumbygirl

Sorry you look like a middle aged lesbian, Glen!

scotchnaut

Oof! You should check some of his stuff out. He researches the hell out of his recipes but never takes the “this is the original, for sure’ line.

Gumbygirl

He didn’t have a lot to work with here. The recipe used measurements like egg cups and small teacups. Not very scientific, but Glen figured it out.

Don T

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Don T

TEN’s 3rd down D allows a conversion 51.9% of the time, worst in NFL history (source: every pregame show and in-game graphic). Really hope the Tits gave today a complimentary all-access stadium pass to Dean Pees.
AND-uh, the visitor has won every BAL – TEN playoff game.
/grins in Alfred E. Newman, lights candle
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Last edited 1 month ago by Don T
Don T

I had absolutely no problem with the Clots 4th down and 2 pt. attempt decisions. I think Reich is my fave head coach right now. Bills are freakin’ scary, and surviving that late Josh Allen fumble may have been the exorcism Buffalo required.

scotchnaut

Reich seems to strike the perfect balance regarding understanding his team’s strengths and playing to his opponents weaknesses-throw in his understanding of calculated risks and his team, if it has the horses, will always be a tough out.

Don T

As a Tits fan, RAMMMIT’s defense yesterday was like porn. Overbearing, Simpsons-referencing buxom nurses porn.
I already bought cigs for BAL @ Tits. Current mood:
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scotchnaut

Only five more hours of nervous fidgeting to go!

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