Instant Hippo Thoughts and Wild Card 4 of 6, Bitches! Game Thread

King Hippo
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There were three fixtures played yesterday.  Well, two fixtures and a woodchipper feeding.

[Closed Captioning for the Hard of Hippo provided by the Church of the Immaculate Deception, Rev. E. Mayhem]

Humps [Colts] and Bills [Wooooooo!] was actually quite compelling.  [Woooooooooooo!] You had two analytics-friendly coaches, who had the bollocks to…coach that way, in January.  [Woo!] Good to both of them.  [WOO!] In particular, Indy had an excellent game plan, allowing them to control time of possession and have a chance to pip it at the end.  After three “close but no cigar” VAR calls (accurately) went against Indy early, they finally caught a break inside of 30 seconds.  What looked a probable – but I guess not indisputable – game-ending fumble “stood as called” (down by contact).  [Boooooooo!] But Laserface just doesn’t have the arm to make any kind of tight-window throw.  [Wooo!] The last 4 plays, inside the 50?  -1 yard completion, incomplete, incomplete, Very Sad Hail Mary (also incomplete, and at least 5-6 yards short of the end zone). [WOOOOOO!] 27-24, Buffalo hangs onto to the win.  [WØØÖÖÕŌŌÖÖØØØØ!!!!!!!]  And despite playing about as well as he could, given his physical limitations – this needs to be it for Old Man Rivers.  [Truth. He’s not Noodly-Armed Late Peyton, but he’s reached the downward inflection point where he’ll start costing a team more opportunities than he creates]. Indy has to try for better, and I’d rather not see a Wolven Sort end his career in humiliation. [Wooooooooooooo!]

The great thing for Buffalo?  They took the best shot of a very dangerous (for them, given the dominant Humps OL) matchup – and survived into the next round.  [Also, surviving the League and God’s attempt to fuck them on the fumble replay. I was CERTAIN this would be the next Immaculate Deception/No Goal] That has to give them all the confidence in the world, whether they get PIT (likely) or the BAL/TN winner in the Divisional Round.  Brokeback [Josh Allen Woooo] didn’t crack up on the big stage (against a very good defense), and neither did Sean McDermott.  I think we are getting BUF at KC for a trip to the Owl, and it will be an absolute treat for the neutral.  And whoever wins that round will also take the Lombardi.

You might have expected some…less-than-stellar QB play in Fish Tossing Land [Seattle. Or possibly the Island of Lesbos] and you weren’t disappointed.  This was the passing line of the best, non-maimed QB on the day – 9/19, 155 yards.  It took a garbage time drive for Charmslinger [Russell “Let Russell Undercook” Wilson] to even attempt as many throws as Baby Buster [surgically-repaired killbot Jared Goff]- and he played all 4 quarters, with all 5 functioning fingers on his throwing hand.  11/27, 174 yards, 1 non-garbage time TD for each squadron.  That pick 6 really enabled RRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! to keep the SeaTruthers at arms’ length the rest of the way, and their DL absolutely dominated the proceedings.  Anyway, 30-20 was the score, though there was nowhere near the offensive competence we saw in game 1.

Aaron Donald may have broken a few ribs, though.  [Booo!] Good luck in Lambeau if that’s the case, fuckadoos.  We’ll see if Wake Forest Guy can move his head and remembers who he is by next weekend.  I’m Trent Green, And So Can You!

One has to whisper this quietly – but I really think Coach Carroll needs to spend MOAR time “de-bunking” the 9/11 Commission Report, and let there be a new voice in that locker room.  Things have gone stale as fuck in Seattle.

I watched two drives of MRSA [Tampa] away to Team [Washington Redacteds], and you couldn’t pay me to watch any more of it.  Nor to listen to Antonio Brown bellow in happiness, and Count Dungy suck MRSA Dreamboat dry.  Poor Mike Tirico, having to sit patiently and pretending nothing grotesque is going down.  A Chase Young/FedEx “turf” crippling of Brady is always possible, but if it happens, I shall just read about it in the morning.  But why should anything nice ever happen? [So far, so brutal in the 3rd quarter. The NFC really was a goddamned skidmark this year, to the extent that I have suspicions even re: the Packers. Tampa feasted on sub-.500 teams and the fact that Washington “won” a professional football division with .4 of a functional quarterback on the entire roster is perfectly reflective of this pox-ridden season’s fuckery. Now watch them beat the Bills in the Super Bowl]

Baltimore (-3) at Tennessee (1:05, ABC/ESPN)

Are we gonna get some kind of “broadcast choice” or is this just a weird simulcast?  You don’t get SpongeRob and Squidward until game 5!

Anyway, you will see some mouths smashed, and some rushing yardage.  The open question is whether Lamar! can also make some plays in the air, and whether the Tits can manage just a FEW stops.  Or better, a turnover or two.  [Drools in Andy Reid]  There is one X-factor in favoUr of DonT’s Magnificent Tits – AJ Brown.  To me, he’s matchup proof.  The Ratbirds don’t have a pass catcher that scary.  But they do have a Lamar!  Should make for fascinating viewing, and lots of sacrifices made to the Gods of Puerto Rico’s Magic Burger King.

Get you caffeine, and empty your colons early.  The couch and/or recliner awaits.  Fuck the outside world. [WOOOOOO!]

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King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Cecil Rhodes

My manservant (who is a quite a catch — don’t tell him I said this) just finished ironing my shirts for the week. Now I can fully focus on the second half. You know what to do, King Henry!

Spur
scotchnaut

“All Tied Up!”

-my overly enthusiastic dominatrix, after completing her last clove hitch

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Clove hitches? Shit, she isn’t playing around. What’s next, sheepshanks?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

> What’s next, sheepshanks?

“Yes, please.” – Andy Reid

Doktor Zymm

Extra points if she’s also smoking a Djarum

Dunstan

I will never not giggle at the sight of a grown man being introduced as “Booger.”

Or maybe I will. After all, at some point, I got used to a grown man called “Boomer.”

scotchnaut

Incoming Absolutely True Anecdote:

During a family vacation at Atlantis Resort in the Caribbean, a super-talkative dude climbs into the jacuzzi and sits across from me. We start talking football and he tells me he was a wr on Boomer Esiason’s high school football team. Tells me he was an arrogant asshole that was hated by all his teammates.

Gumbygirl

Not shocked.

Spur

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Gatoraids

College coaches room funner than the nfl espn2 film room. They need to give Rex his own footwork cam

Gatoraids

He must have one because he was just called that a clear roughing the kicker cuz the foot was touched

scotchnaut

Something notably missing during this game? The announcers aren’t slobbering the knob of some player. Refreshing.

Last edited 1 month ago by scotchnaut
Spur

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Doktor Zymm

How funny would it be if this ended up being the lowest scoring wild card game?

litre_cola

Great if Ten wins!

Don T

Tanny catches own pass, Mariota stans cum, combust

Last edited 1 month ago by Don T
Game Time Decision

Shoulda knocked it down

litre_cola

Still on your self imposed GAMBLOR hiatus? I have noticed the angry texts have gone way down.

Game Time Decision

Request to be added to that group chat….lol

litre_cola

It is a lot of obscure futbol teams!

rockingdog

what a run by LAMARRRRR

thats ROCKING!!!

we got a game folks

Last edited 1 month ago by rockingdog
hippofant

Wow that DT stunt backfiiiired.

Dunstan

Please, enough talk about the Capitol Hill coup attempt.

Spur

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Don T

What a run.
At least the TEN D did not concede a first down smFh

Horatio Cornblower

That was a hell of a run, but the TD seems a bit generous on first glance.

Doktor Zymm

Inside the pylon, he good

Horatio Cornblower

Nope, he snuck it around the pylon. A rule that I hate, but a rule nonetheless.

Much like my continued battel against restaurants’ rights to refuse me service just because I’m not wearing pants.

Warthog

I know, right? I’ve got shoes and a shirt on, the sign says nothing about pants.

Spur

That doesn’t hold up in court, i tried. Fucking kids are a bunch of prudes.

Doktor Zymm

Try a robe or djeleyba, all the advantages of no pants with none of the drawbacks!

litre_cola

I have a djeleyba from Morocco, It is fucking awesome.

Doktor Zymm

Lamar!

litre_cola

That escalated quickly

scotchnaut

Tied!

Doktor Zymm

Shit, U Chicago student in my grad program was just shot and killed just outside the apartment building I lived in back in 2008/9 (and where Obama used to live and still occasionally used the gym). Suspect was subsequently killed by Evanston police a day later

Gumbygirl

That sucks. Too many guns in this country.

Doktor Zymm

Chicago has always had its issues, but this year has been especially bad from everything I’ve heard 🙁

Gumbygirl

And none of his Facebook “friends” thought to notify anyone that he was completely out of his mind? Wow.

Doktor Zymm

I’m pretty surprised nothing was flagged, taken down or reported on the facebook side either. Amazing something like this can slip through the cracks

Horatio Cornblower

Mike McCarthy, face first in his Second Breakfast Burrito: “Thinkin’s what’ll git ya in trouble”

Horatio Cornblower

Upside down and facing the wall.

Cecil Rhodes

Derek Wolfe sighting. Somewhere, from the back of a windowless van, a howl can just barely be heard.

Don T

8,000 yard punt inside the 20. Kern is a god.

Fronkenshteen

Best since:

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Horatio Cornblower

Same. Ray Guy would lay you out if you had ideas about running one of his punts back too far.

Gumbygirl

Tanney on his fanney.

scotchnaut

Titans only going with a two tight end set on O. I guess they aren’t really committed to the run game.

Fronkenshteen

Wither Jonnu? Him not healthy?

Gumbygirl

He can’t get his pencil working, very sad!

rockingdog

found a funny:

i love 1984 it’s the best taylor swift album imo

Cecil Rhodes

I feel like there is a word that might describe this joke, but I can’t figure out what it is. Help me out, rockingdog.

scotchnaut

“We have always been at war with our ex-boyfriends.”

-Tay Tay

Fronkenshteen

What a fucking throw.

Spur

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scotchnaut

Dueling Browns at wr.

Doktor Zymm

So…is this game the Battle of the Browns or is that the next game?

clint greasewood

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Fronkenshteen

Make a new plan, Stan.

Fronkenshteen

Beef bones and onion roasting in the oven. PHO IS NIGH!!!

Horatio Cornblower

We just started eating that, (I’m a middle-aged white guy; bologna is an adventure), and it is fucking awesome.

Also you need to clean your oven.

Fronkenshteen

Isn’t it the best? And you’re right. I spilled turkey drippings all over the oven last week. Am slob.

Doktor Zymm

Pho King Delicious

Fronkenshteen

Gonna be a good batch. We even found great looking Thai Basil, and decent rice noodles in our little backwoods Walmart. Goddammit, I’d love to cook for all you guys someday. Maybe work prep/sous chef for Mr. Yeah Right.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Willies need…what? What do willies need? Attention?

ArmedandHammered

A light stroking to inflate their ego.

Fronkenshteen

Hope Chubbernuts runs fucking WILD today.

Spur

I just hope the Steelers lose.

Gumbygirl

I don’t!

litre_cola

Me neither. HAIL GAMBLOR.

scotchnaut

If Cleveland can somehow get ahead in the 2nd half he can salt the game away.

clint greasewood

The New England Patriots Select…

Anthony Gonzalez

Doktor Zymm

Does Baltimore even have any wide receivers worth discussing?

Fronkenshteen

Boykin seems to get lots of end zone looks.

clint greasewood

No, there WR1 is brown and really a WR2b.

The Maestro

I still can’t get over how batshit insane it is that there are fans in the stands here in Nashville.

Doktor Zymm

Covid taking its momentum into the PLAYOFFS

Spur

most fans in Tennessee keeping a low profile from the FBI agents looking for them

Doktor Zymm

How is that Elizabeth gal doing?

Fronkenshteen

Balto done run into a buzzsaw today, methinks.

ArmedandHammered

Wait he was down, his flag was pulled off!

Don T

Uf. What a pass.

litre_cola

HE was ded in the water, then not.

Cecil Rhodes

Neither of these teams is built to come from behind, huh? Why didn’t they try to sign Antonio Brown then?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Took me a second, but GOD DAMN!

Horatio Cornblower

Yeah, I had a “or Peter North” joke half-typed and then went “ooooooohhhhhh”a nd realized we were already there.

Horatio Cornblower

I’m beginning to think that this Vrabel might have the makings of a fine coach.

Don T

He plays to win, meaning he doesn’t get conservative. His players do want to play for him. That’s true.
I ran out of good things.

litre_cola

All the bullshit talking heads said take the over, 54.5 is 4 pts too low. I did not listen to them. So much running kills clock IMO.

Fronkenshteen

Dobbins needs to have him a drive here.

Doktor Zymm

Who pulled the ‘breathing on the kicker’ penalty?

Fronkenshteen

guh.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Here are some words that rhyme with Corey…story…glory…incompletionory…”

ArmedandHammered

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