MOAR BLOOD TO OIL THE GEARS!: Your College Football Championship/Charcoal-Gray Monday II Open Thread

Huh.  Well that went a different direction than expected…

I’m not surprised to be writing a followup Coaches Gettin’ ShitCanned post this week.  In a historically weak NFC, the Bearistocrats! still needed the Super Bonus Charity Wild Card to qualify for the playoffs.  Listening to Chicago sports radio (having spent part of my misspent youth in the Chicago suburbs, I find it relaxing to hear Bob from Mokena call in to bitch about how the Cubs should trade a Triple-A shortstop for Mike Trout), the theme of the season has been how precarious the Matt Nagy/Ryan Pace/Mitch Trubisky triumvirate is– have they saved their jobs, did last weekend cost them their jobs, etc.  Even during the Happy Time of feasting on carrion for cheap wins, there was a consistent realization that this was Not a Good Team.  So with the Bears being unceremoniously Double Dare’d by the Saints last night and Mitch seeming to be the only Bear who still wants to be on the team next year, I expected Ginny McCaskey to put down the laudenum, pick up the telephone

and do what needed to be done: telling Pace and Nagy to 23 skidoo.

While that may still happen (it takes a while for Virginia to work up the momentum for that crank, even if she is remarkably spry for a tart of her age), it was Doug Pederson of the Philadelphia Iggles who unceremoniously got Hitchbot’d.

Justice 4 HitchBot

You may recall Pederson as the man who delivered the Eagles from the clutches of Chip Kelly and was head coach when they…um…what was it again?

Oh yes, they WON THEIR FIRST SUPER BOWL.

But gratitude lives a short and brutal life in Philly.  Three years later, after his first losing season [EDIT: second losing season. He went 7-9 in his first year] Pederson was Dismissed as head coach after Losing the Locker Room during a 4-11-1 slog.  The seeds were sown at least last off-season, when the Eagles spent a second-round draft pick on QB Jalen Hurts despite having a franchise quarterback whose mega-extension (four years, $128 million contract extension with $107 million guaranteed) was about to kick in. Wentz was pissed, people had questions.  Wentz struggled, eventually getting benched after Week 13 and “irreparably fracturing” his relationship with Pederson. Jalen Hurts did what backups in Philly always do, flashing a lot of promise with just enough questions to make you rightfully nervous.  The nail in the coffin (for the locker room) was the final game of the season, when Pederson pulled Hurts for the third-stringer in a transparent give-up on prime-time national television.  Tanking is accepted in the modern NFL, but you are expected to do it in a somewhat less blatant manner.  To quote Topper Harley:

My father used to say that not playing to win is like sleeping with your sister. Sure she’s a great piece of tail, with a blouse full of goodies, but… it’s just illegal. Then you get into that whole inbred thing. Kids with no teeth who do nothing but play the banjo… eat apple sauce through a straw… pork farm animals.

Jeff Lurie does not like being embarrassed publicly by anyone other than the ex-Mrs. Lurie, and so apparently That was That.  The reality is that Pederson was in trouble as soon as offensive coordinator Frank Reich left town.  Wentz regressed.  Nick Foles resumed being who Foles always is. The running game went to shit and injuries started catching up with them. Supposedly the last straw was Pederson not having a coherent answer about what the offensive identity of the team would be going forward. I get that- he thought having Al Groh’s son replace Reich was a good idea. But here we are.  Adios, Doug- we wish you luck in your inevitable coaching gig in Dallas.

WHAT’S ON TONIGHT:

“College” Football Championship: Alabama vs. Ohio State (8 pm Eastern, 7 pm DFO Standard) ESPN: I have nothing but contempt for Junior Football.  In normal years, its disgustingly exploitative and dangerous even by my loose moral standards.  This year, it is downright reckless- for the “students”, for the staff and for the legions of idiots who think that it means life can go on as normal.  If people gave half the shit about Power 5 schools’ actual job (educating young people and conducting research) as they do about filling their “teams” with a rotating cast of disposable young men who don’t need to go to class to get honors, 1. tuition would be 15% of its current levels, and 2. we’d probably already have flying cars.  WHERE’S MY FLYING CAR!!!?!?!?!?!  For God’s sake, Tommy Fucking Tuberville is a UNITED STATES SENATOR. Jesus, I’m going to have a a fucking aneurysm…

ANYWAY: I normally have even MORE contempt for the “University” of Alabama and Ohio State (as opposed to what- Ohio County? Ohio City?) than most other programs, because they are unapologetically pro teams whose university affiliation just gives them cover.  BUT this year there is this:

So fuck it.  Let’s go Not Nick Sabans!

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; aloof yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called some of these things.
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King Hippo

I mean, tOSU clearly looks like the 2nd best JV squadron this year. But there is still quite a gap from 1 to 2.

scotchnaut

As long as the cheques keep clearing Ballallama is the best.

Redshirt

I still can’t figure out what happened to Clemson.

Spur

So easy. comment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m watching the most recent season now!

Brocky

is it true the got rid of the snarky talking cat in the new version?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s true. There’s a cat but he doesn’t talk.

clint greasewood

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King Hippo

Methinks Mrs. Gumby has a point about Najee’s Heisman-worthiness

Redshirt

There’s Saban, vividly deserving what he’ll do to all the defense players’ families if they let Ohio State score again.

Brocky

I’ve turned into such a perve this past year. i pondered how attractive the “maya meat girl” from state farm was, and found this:

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Redshirt

FALSE HOPE! clap-clap FALSE HOPE!

King Hippo

What a backfield, guy named Sermon, backed up by guy named MASTER

herodotus450

And after that? Alex “Mister” Crowley.

Senor Weaselo

That’s pronounced like two S’s and no T.
/I’m going to super Hell for this.

clint greasewood

Beardown

King Hippo

Simple missed blocking assignment. I’m sure Saban Reacts Reasonably

Spur

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Horatio Cornblower

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LemonJello

Sudden Change!

Redshirt

Too early to abandon hope or should I break out the ice cream to eat my feelings?

Mr. Ayo

Too early.

And nice timing.

Redshirt

That helps too.

LemonJello

Turnover Horseshoe for tOSU?

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Spur

who threw up on your fries?

Redshirt

I just liked how they included the ketchup just in case.

Gumbygirl

I have heard of these things, but have never seen one in the wild. You Canadians are badasses.

Redshirt

That sucks for Trey Sermon. In the past few games, he went from nowhere to mid-round draft pick.

Hope he heals better and finds a spot in the NFL.

Spur
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I lied, she ain’t care.

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King Hippo

KIIIIIITTTTTTYYYYY!!!!

Spur

Nice young pussy

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

She’s actually getting up there. About 12 now.

King Hippo

that’s about Kruger’s (son) age, your kitty has a similar coat to that of my grandson (Noodles)

Gumbygirl

My Henry is 13 this year. I tell him he is still a kitten and will live forever, because Gumbygirl cannot deal with anything else.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Our dog is actually doing a really good job of helping the cat stay young.

King Hippo

cat/dog friendship is just the coolest thing

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It really is. They tussle every single morning.

Gumbygirl

He had a cat and dog brother until two years ago. I’d love to have more. We will get one or both as soon as the current situation improves.

Spur

Justin Fields is suppose to be a Draft Pick? For the NFL? Really? He’s more All Japan or CFL.

King Hippo

J-E-S-T, JEST JEST JEST!!!

King Hippo

poor Moon Man is gonna get murder-killt out there

King Hippo

Maybe the 3rd string placement kicker is, like, Younghoe-calibre on onside kicks??

Redshirt

Time to see if it’s first to 40, or if Team Gump runs all over OSU.

Brocky

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the picture doesn’t do it justice, but on raw lacey Evans was wrestling Charlotte

and I can’t stop laughing at the joke: why are there two charlottes in the ring?

Spur

Hail Satan!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Hail Santa!” – Eli Manning + Tim Tebow

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

What outcome of this game would make Notre Dame’s selection for the playoffs look the worst? A close game?

King Hippo

If Bama has to continue trying after halftime?

Brocky

so i thought of something random today:

is it just me, or is there an irony that the two best quarterbacks coached by noted disciplinarian bear bryant are namath and stabler, guys very much known for their non disciplinarian ways

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[shrugs]

– Marv Marinovich

herodotus450

Tyler “My Guy” Friday with the tackle.
/surprised at all the forward passing going on

Redshirt

Leave the HEISMAN TROPHY WINNER wide open.

This is why I can’t dream nice things.

Gumbygirl

Yes, but they were focusing on the qb Heisman finalist, or the running back who should have been. It’s kind of a no win situation.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Did somebody say HEISMAN TROPHY DINNER?”

Mr. Ayo

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Redshirt

HA!

herodotus450

Better than letting Smith get behind the secondary

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I know the Roomba is just doing its job but it is disturbing both me and the cat.

Redshirt

Ohio State is down to their 3rd string kicker? Who is that, someone Ryan Day bumped into in the Oval?

Redshirt

Well at least I’ll be getting plenty of rest tonight.

LemonJello

Not so fast, my friend.

litre_cola

Redshirt haz a happy.

Redshirt

Not yet, more of a nervous smirk.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

All the +1s for that Topper Harley insert

Brocky

legit underrated movies. i don’t care that they’re compared to the naked gun movies

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Even being mentioned in the same sentence as the Naked Gun movies is an honor.

Redshirt

I’m just glad they stopped at deux.

herodotus450

…Oh my mistake, i changed to the “all commercials all the time channel”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

One time when I was a kid we stumbled on something that was like a 20 minute ad for ABC (or CBS or NBC, don’t remember). It was so strange and fascinating we just had to watch it all the way through.

Gumbygirl

Oh no, poor starving baby! Bury him under the jail.

King Hippo

He can still BECOME organic food ,, ppl forget that

Spur

fresh fish

Horatio Cornblower

Yes, jails are known for letting you order a la carte.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Man, I know that feeling.” – Andy Reid, not having eaten since fifteen minutes ago

scotchnaut

“Worst. Hunger. Strike. Ever.”

-Bobby Sands

Spur

he can eat his hat

LemonJello

He can swallow his own tongue.

Horatio Cornblower

He can fuck off and die.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Really glad to hear that he’s still in custody. None of these fuckers should see daylight until at least the end of the month. Just to be sure.

Spur

Hail Satan!

Spur

Folks

scotchnaut

One time when I was playing the high school basketball, our very lousy team was in a tourney and it was very obvious to me and my teammates that we were first game fodder for the highest ranked team. Our coach insisted to us that we could win the game but didn’t explain to us how. I imagine OSU players are feeling the same thing I was feeling back then.

Horatio Cornblower

I remember coaching in Little League once and watching a team walk onto the field with half of them shaving. I turned to our guys and said “Fellas, I’m gonna level with you. We are gonna die.”

We wound up winning, because of all of those monsters only one of them had grown enough into his body to have any sort of coordination. Anyway, that day I learned that appearance can be deceiving, and you should only judge people by their sexual orientation.

Horatio Cornblower

So I’m on Nickelodeon. What time does the game start?

King Hippo

ah repeat…Ryan Day is a Golem

Redshirt

I can see this won’t be a fun night in the Clubhouse.

litre_cola

Or, it could be the funnest for you it seems.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Listen up, because this is the ONLY time you will ever hear me express this sentiment about this person:

My man.

litre_cola

Robert Kraft would have gone to the White House and then he and The Cheeto would have gone for tandem handjobs. Little known fact that tandem handjobs will be in Paris 2024.

scotchnaut

Somebody didn’t scroll down…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This is true.

Redshirt

When you lose the moral high ground to Bill Belichick…

Spur

Can i have his medal too? – Gym Jordan

herodotus450

OSU starting DT, Kicker, and starting-ish DE out for the game; ‘Bama missing the part of Steve Sarkisian’s brain that was killed by alcohol is thinking ahead to Texas.

scotchnaut

Cheering for Bama tonight but this win by Auburn was bananacakes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8GKmkD1pUG0&ab_channel=AuburnTigers

Redshirt

I would’ve posted this on last night’s thread, but I was still in shock from the game.

Steelers: “Head back home. This ain’t none of your business, Factory.”
Browns: “My name’s not “Factory”, its Browns. CLEVELAND (bleep-bleep) BROWNS!”

John bleep Zoidberg – YouTube

Alright, now that that’s out of the way, let’s see if my team gets the buckeyes cracked on national TV.

LemonJello

Jebus. Just take Corso out back and put a bullet in his head.

SonOfSpam

A few prawns short of a galaxy.

Gumbygirl

We used to run into him all the time when we lived in Florida. Really nice guy, he and Gumby would block the aisle in Publix talking about football.He always bought us a drink when we saw him at a restaurant we went to a lot.

Brick Meathook

Q: How do you get an Ohio State graduate off your porch?

A: Pay him for the pizza

Last edited 3 years ago by Brick Meathook
Redshirt

Its funny ’cause it true.

Redshirt, Graduate of THE Ohio State University.

herodotus450

Eh, “wait for the couch fire to burn out” would’ve been better.

litre_cola

Roll Tide, I just can’t stand OSU.

scotchnaut

I’m with you here. I’d like this to be a devastating evisceration of Ohio State.

Horatio Cornblower
LemonJello

grumblegrumbleGivemeanhourwithMelaniaintheLincolnBedroomandI’llbetheregrumblegrumble

Senor Weaselo

I look forward to calling “his Patriots” traitors. To the extent I look forward to anything Agent Orange does, which is equivalent to the James Bond death laser up the midline.

Horatio Cornblower

I am looking forward to spending a lot of time reading his obituary in the New York Times. Possibly twice.

scotchnaut

“I award you the Presidential Medal of Freedom due to your refusing to accept the previous administration’s offer to award you the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Umm, could you take the hood off your head please? Can’t… quite… fit it over your head.”

-Joe Biden, to Belichick, sometime in 2022

King Hippo

oh, Hippo can has laugh

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Dunstan

But her emails!

SonOfSpam

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Last edited 3 years ago by SonOfSpam
Horatio Cornblower

Next time dump your philandering husband, fire your aide who won’t leave her pedo husband, don’t be so arrogant as to maintain a separate server that you know you’re not supposed to have, and fucking take a trip to Wisconsin!!!

SonOfSpam

Yes, she only beat Trump by 3 million votes and it’s all her fault.

Horatio Cornblower

I’m not saying it’s all her fault, but there’s plenty of blame for her as well.

There’s also racism, ignorance, greed, your aunt’s Facebook memes, and voter suppression to be blamed as well, but this idea that Hilary was some superhero undone by forces beyond her control is not one I can get behind.

Also fuck James Comey.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Doublefuck James Comey. That fucking moron sent out a “don’t prosecute Trump” op-ed the day before a fucking coup attempt. Worst timing ever.

Horatio Cornblower

He really needs to consider joining a Trappist monastery and taking a vow of silence.

Gumbygirl

You forgot sexism. Lots of fragile male ego’s that couldn’t handle the idea of a woman in the White House.

Horatio Cornblower

Ah shit, though I had that in there.

That was clearly a huge factor in her loss.

scotchnaut

There’s a rumoUr that The Hallmark Channel is hosting this game. Looking forward to sideline reporter Lacey Chabert explaining to the audience what an illegal benefit is.

Dunstan

Lori Laughlin can provide some insights on the college recruiting and admissions process.

Bloody Lethal

Sometimes you gotta “stack the deck” to get that “full house”.

… I’m sorry.

King Hippo

Roll Damn Tide!!!

rockingdog

found a funny:

me [a steelers fan]: this is just like 1984

herodotus450

Ohio State (as opposed to what- Ohio County? Ohio City?)

Got em

Redshirt

It was originally called Ohio A&M

ballsofsteelandfury

Go Bills!

scotchnaut

I just might have to walk back my “Josh Allen is not a Super Bowl qb” comment. I think I’m safe this year but all bets are off next year.