- European Battles Rage On - March 6, 2021
- Still Reveling In Post-Derby Bliss - February 27, 2021
- Another Derby Day, Another Ponderance of Life’s Futility - February 20, 2021
This is going to be very succint. Eh, it is what it is.
Let me first congratulate my translator, and the rest of the Bills Mafia on their AFC championship. [WOOOOOOO…wait, wait, wait]
Nobody can say y’all didn’t earn it, even though your bye week is coming awfully late.
You see, #ThePauls [Browns] attempted to twist Mahomes’ head plum off on a 3rd down, ill-advised option play. He tried to stand up, and it was all Punch Drunk Boxer time. Not pretty. [Legitimately difficult to watch.] Chefs converted 4th and short, made a FG to go up 22-10, but Chad Fucking Henne was in the game, and you could hear all the sphincters tighten on all the rednecks in attendance. [And there were many. Fuck Mike Parsons and Missourah with a dead possum]
#ThePauls cut the lead to 22-17, picking up two 4th down conversions on the way. The kill shot was coming, you could feel it. Then, after a stupid crackback block BLEERGH [penalty] made it 1st and 25 on the periphery of FG range…Henne arm punted to the waiting CLE safety. Just a horrid throw. 8 minutes sure seemed like plenty of time, but to their credit, the Chefs D bucked up and forced a punt with just under 5 to go.
They would never get the ball back. A great catch bailed out an errant throw, setting up 3rd and manageable – converted via swing pass. Now, KC could run three times, and punt back to CLE with like 1:15 on the clock, no timeouts. They’d have to go at least 80 yards.
Andy wasn’t having it. [*Buzz* What are “things never heard at a Ponderosa Steakhouse”?] Henne went back to throw on 2nd and 8, taking a sack to kill all possibility for daredevilry (surely?). To my shock, he went back to pass AGAIN on 3rd and 14, but rolled right and scrambled like mad. He lowered his shoulder to try and make the marker, but a good tackle and spot left them a foot short.
Now, this play ate up MOAR clock than expected, so punting from the 50 was even less risky now. Still, they lined up in shotgun – very curious, because how on earth would you be able to draw them offsides without at least faking like you’d snap and sneak? Give KC the honours for best actors, because all of a sudden they DID snap it, and THE BACKUP QB threw a quick out to Tyreek Hill. Who caught it, and easily made the decisive first down. [Absolutely no cynicism or sarcasm- that was a beautifully reckless playcall. We mock Andy with good reason, but wow.]
Hats off to #ThePauls’ staff, and particularly their defensive personnel – they played their cards as well as they could. [Is this a Myles Garrett helmet joke?] But in the end, the 10 point swing at the end of the half (pylon stretch fumble/touchback, followed by KC field goal drive) was too much to overcome. And Andy Reid wouldn’t let them have a chance at last-minute heroics. The fucking bollocks on that man (even if he hasn’t actually SEEN them in a few decades). [Gigantic. Brass. Shiny. Wow.]
My uneducated guess is there is maybe a 10-20% chance Mahomes gets cleared for next week. [You seriously think the league will keep one of the three brightest stars out over something like “player safety”? Speaking of stones, which of the NFL’s pet neurologists is going to have the testicular fortitude to say No?] Buffalo will blast them into the sun. [We are going to get run by Chad Fucking Henne. It is the second most Bills thing that could happen, right after making the Superb Owl and getting our shit pushed in by Tom Brady for the 20th consecutive year.]
Which leaves the NFC, which I likely won’t even watch. I had the MRSA/N’Awlins tilt muted, barely paying attention. [Better that way] It started with a Saints punt return to the MRSA 20, which limply became a 3-nil lead. Then, #11 ran punt #2 all the way back for 6…but a very late, very weak BLEERGH bailed out The Narrative – and after another FG one could see where things were headed. As MRSA crossed the 50, Hippo turned the TV off and retreated to Footy Manager comfort.
Breesus is absolutely cooked. [Washed, dried, folded and stuffed in a drawer]. No wonder Sean Payton had been so enamored with Magic Undies at QB. Any other analysis will have to come from Rev. Mayhem, if he’s around!
[I stuck through it for the exquisite suffering that is watching Satan bend reality to suit Tom Brady. The game was actually very even in yardage, time of possession, etc. Only problem was that New Orleans had 4 turnovers to Tampa’s none. Brees threw three interceptions, in sort of a live-action “Stop, stop! He’s already dead!” Simpsons gif reeactment. The Saints defense had been reasonably stout all night. But when the offense’s last four drive results are fumble-quick punt-INT-INT, even the best defense is going to start to buckle. Final score 30-20. But at least there’s this:]