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Next Sunday is Championship Sunday, the best sports day of the year, I think. But with its high highs comes the Wile E. Coyote plummet. Come next Monday, it’s the Superb Owl and then The Emptiness of Life* until August, interrupted by signings and the Draft. And with the chock-full of weekly fitbaw wrought by Covid scheduling, the imminent end of this NFL season feels like an anvil to the genitals. The soul’s genitals.
* Unless you have children, the most joyful of burdens.
And what a season! Any of the finalists can win it all. The Bills and Chefs were the class of the AFC, validated after Team beat the Steelers in the first leg of an early December Covid MNF doubleheaders.
On the NFC, it’s been the Packers and The Rest all season. As to the Bucs,
To be honest, Tom Brady getting a ring for the left nut doesn’t offend me much. I mean, short of an Alex Guerrero indictment, TB’s greatness is objectively unparalleled. Then again, Old Tom has been a staple of DFO Hate Week. Not that there’s a shortage of stuff to be angry about, but tradition dammit! Perhaps Schadenfreude Week could become a thing.
Packers Win 34-17
NFL HIRES
-Iggles got a new head coach: Nick Sirianni, 39, formerly the Clots OC. The aim is to get Wentz “back to that elite progression”, per owner Jeffrey Lurie. Overpay, then coddle: that’s how you come up with new bullshit uses of “elite”.
-Steelers signed Dwayne Haskins. The former Team’s first round QB hopes to fill Pittsburgh’s void of head-case-itis after Antonio Brown’s departure. The QB room with Ben, Mason Rudolph and Haskins should be christened the Massengill Conference Room. Not being sexist, just trying to explain the magnitude of douche.
-New Loins head coach, Dan Campbell.
Campbell gained notoriety after he became interim HC of the Dolphins some years ago. His first game as a meathead coach was against the Titans. Campbell whooped it up after he had Olivier Vernon snap Marcus Mariota’s leg like a churro. Congrats to the Bears, Packers and Vikes.
Not Dead
-Patrick Mahomes. In practice today, the QB “took the majority of the snaps”, but other than that is “concussion protocol” this and “If Mahomes clears” that.
Sprots Sprots Sprots
On tonight’s placebo docket, no offnce (all listings espen, times Central):
NBA
I was the biggest NBA fan. Laker fan, as matter of fact. James Worthy was my favorite player. But Los Lakers went ahead and bought Shaq from Orlando, just around the time I got into ladieeerm, I mean, college. Then he traveling and the 3-point orgies happened and…
/warms instant oats for dinner, puts ointment on knees
Tonite:
Lakers @ Bucks – 6:30 (TNT)
Pelicans @ Jazz – 9:00 (TNT)
Knicks @ Warriors – 9:00
Hockey Hockey Hockey!
Good that the Eulers don’t play today. I’m still workshopping my formula and transcendental numbers material.
Intelligent design fodder (Woke Level)
Flyera @ Bruins – 6 PM
Devils @ Islanders – 6 PM
Lightning @ Blue Jackets – 6 PM (NBCSN)
Jets @ Senators – 6 PM
The battle of the demonyms!
Canadiens @ Canucks – 8:30 PM (NBCSN)
It’s the eternal conflict: formal vs. cute. For hockey, I’d take whoever has the most brutes.
Avalanche @ Kings – 9 PM (ESPN+)
Indentured Roundball
Sheeeit. Everybody and their papa play tonight. (Full listing here.) Some games:
Wichita St. @ Memphis – 6:00 (ESPN2)
SE MO St. @ Morehead St. – 6:00 (ESPNU)
Jax St. @ Murray St. – 7:30 (ESPN+)
Game cocks. That’s my prediction.
Tenn. Tech @ Austin Peay .– 7:30 (ESPN+)
Indiana @ #4 Iowa – 8:00 PM (FS1)
#24 UCLA @ Cal – 8:00 PM (ESPNU)
Portland @ BYU – 8:00 PM (CBSSN)
SIU Edwardville @ Tenn. St. – 8:00 PM (ESPN+)
Colorado St. @ Utah St. – 10 (FS1)
NCAA Women’s Basketball
Sheeeit. Everybody and their mama play tonight. (Full listing here.) Some games:
#3 UConn. @ #25 Tenn. – 6:00 (ESPN)
Clemson @ FS – 6:00 PM (ACCNX)
Samford @ Chattanooga – 6:00 (ESPN+)
Furman @ Mercer – 6:00 (ESPN+)
Notre Dames @ VA Tech – 6:00 (ACCNX)
GA tech @b Wake Forest – 6:00 (ACCN)
#12 UK @ Auburn – 6:30 (SECN)
#23 Syracuse @ #1 Louisville – 8:00 (ESPN2)
Fútbol (Clausura – Secsy Mecsi)
Atlético San Luis @ Guadalajara – 9:00 (ESPN)
The end of the NFL season is nigh, sigh. Bleak times ahead, peeples.
/buys yellow No Parking paint, machete holder for front door
All gifs via giphy.com
So, uhh… why didn’t you just call to get those cars towed if they were breaking the law by blocking your driveway? Or they’re actually parking legally on a street and you’re just shit outta (legal) options? In Dublin I had a couple of neigbours parking repeatedly in front of my garage and a couple of tows later people learned not to mess with me .
By the way ALLEGEDLY if you spray some lubricant (high-temperature sillicone one should do the trick nicely.. or so I’ve heard) all over the brakes and the problem will get resolved at the first stop sign 😀
Oh, yeah! Chili oil on the door handles should work pretty well too. Most likely they find out the next time they rub their eyes, but you might get lucky and catch somebody right before they touch their weiner.
Or chloroform/phosphoric acid on the glass (the former damages/dissolves all sorts of plastics around and some glass coatings), the latter NUKES glass and metals…
Or if DonT doesn’t want to have shit traced to him, caltrops! Technically, not quite the same thing, but take a couple of those trapezoidal safety blades, make a couple of small notches on the blunt side on both, slide blunt on blunt and … ya got a surprise for a certain someone 😀
Well, the last one is only allegedly, ’cause I’m too good of a guy to take my revenge on an old boss back in the old country by using 4 of ^ made from spent DeWalt blades , y’know, the ones that already have a notch for their proprietary locking system, thrown under his Alfa Romeo
(Totally not akin to this one, but with a long cutout between the two smaller ones)
There’s also the brute force approach, but dunno if he wants to rent a car / buy a beater to tow the offending cars himself (or “accidentally” ram them)
Too many of these floating around the internet, but I kind of like this one, because I like Keanu.
?w=800&h=457
I have Bernie in my yard
“The Continental OP: 14 Classic Detective Stories” by Dashiell Hammett
Currently re-reading Russka by Rutherford. Y’all?
I’m just starting the 3rd volume of the LBJ bio series by Robert Caro.
THAT is a worthwhile set of reads. First volume still rocks for me, the Pedernales Electric Co-Op that he brought into existence is my electric company. The republicans still hate him, but have not bought generators.
Read it when it was first printed, and a couple of others of his as well, I think he wanted to be the Limey Michener.
Just finished this one, as recommended by someone around here
Just finishing up Good Omens.
That’s a favorite!
About to start my first travel book from Paul Theroux…anyone read him?
Yes! I enjoy his books, although I’ve not read all of them. Which are you starting?
Last Train to Zona Verde (was on sale at Amazon, which seems to be a requirement for me). What’s your favorite if you have one?
I really liked Dark Star Safari, and no travel book has made me feel more ambitious yet inadequate than The Happy Isles of Oceania
Thanks – I’ll grab those next assuming I like this first one!
And thanks for letting me know that one is on sale 😛
Riding the Iron Rooster is also fantastic, plus China has changed so much that reading something from 1988 is almost kinda trippy
I really like reading travelogues from days gone by.
Agree, although I also get kinda sad I don’t have a time machine and infinite youth/life
Getting old sucks. I’m still trying to decide if the alternative is preferable.
YES! His novels are hit or miss, but his travel books are the best.
Figured since I can’t travel, may as well live vicariously.
That’s where I am. All these places I don’t think I’ll ever get to now. Fortunately I made it around the globe several times when I was younger. Still, watching tours of the Scottish Isles, rambling in the English countryside, and Australian 4-wheel-drive trips through the outback and the northern peninsula of Queensland state are relaxing.
Been to Australia twice, but haven’t made it to Queensland. Tasmania is awesome though.
Tasmania is great and also has the distinct advantage of being far less likely to kill you than … basically the entire rest of Australia (with a special shoutout to the lovely nutters at Alice Springs. Nothing says ‘straya quite like 48 degrees in the shade in January) 😀
“Thatcher Demko” is: ?
a) a rare liver disease affecting only European heads of state,
b) a Minnesota heavy metal band, or
c) a hockey goalie
Ask your doctor if Thatcher Demko is right for you.
Offer may be invalid in Vancouver
I’d like to be offered an invalid in Vancouver due to specific fetish.
Fookin’ Top Gear Limeys
—pissed off Argies.
Character in Bill O’Reilly’s latest erotic novel.
He’s a quick-witted talk show host with a huge penis and irresistible musk who must impregnate the President’s daughter to save mankind.
/gets offer from Fox Movie Channel to write screenplay
(eyeballs)
But seriously if it was a Bill O’Reilly novel his name would be Demkill.
Probably too subtle for him.
Libkiller Strongcock.
An Eastern European Keynesian who enjoys pearl necklaces on stout British ladies
GInger Biden Press Secretary gives me a moderate stiffy.
Jen Psaki?
The “p” is silent, but yours ain’t.
Two consonants to begin the last name is pretty cool. PS I Love You.
“Moderate doesn’t go far enough.”
-Bernie and AOC
Oh, yeah. A red head. She’s got my attention.
nothing to see here
Sorry, you fucking HOF voters knew he was a fucking right wing fucking asshole before this fucking insurrection bullshit. Own it, you fucking assholes.
https://www.rawstory.com/curt-schilling/
Rhode Island residents:
Remember when DJT tried to buy the Bills and even the notably principled and ethical group that makes up NFL ownership was like, man I don’t think we want that dude among our ranks.
I member when he bought into the USFL instead, tried to sue the NFL for a merger, won the lawsuit, but was only awarded 1$ or something in damages, no merger.
God, if only the NFL had let him buy the Bills. The NFL might have been worse than what we are dealing with right now., but maybe the country would be better off.
We couldn’t wish that upon our Right Reverend Electric Mayhem.
They would be the Riyadh Rowdee Rapists by now.
It’s entirely possible that owning the Bills decreases your lifespan.
Or my Buffalo born-and bred ex-GF, who i introduced to NFL football right about the time Jim Kelly joined the Bills and took them to 4 SBs in a row.
I have publicly stated that in retrospect I wish he had bought the team. I love the Bills, but it would have been a beautifully heroic sacrifice.
It’s as snippy a judge can get. Something to be cherished.
You should read “Football for a Buck: The Crazy Rise and Crazier Demise of the USFL” by Jeff Pearlman. The Donald Trump story is writ large, and you can see the future in his actions with the USFL.
I think Pearlman is one of the funniest sportswriters out there. “Boys Will Be Boys” about the ‘80s Dallas Cowboys (it opens with Michael Irvin stabbing a teammate in the neck with scissors) is hystericalLy funny. I honestly believe the book inspired the original KSK.
His book on the ‘86 Mets was as insane as that team. His Walter Payton book made me cry.
No way. Trump would sue the league in court constantly.
-Al Davis
Yeah, Bonds is a cheater but I’d take him before Schilling or Clemens who just seem like horrible dickwads.
Force the offenders to watch 30 — no 60 — seconds of Stephen A.‘s World.
I’m not a sadist.
But glad to be thought that way! ??
Get a crane and drop a safe on the car.
And stuff it with radioactive material! Think I could rustle up some cesium from some Haitian… acquaintances.
Just pour some Sugar in the gas tank. It will destroy the engine
Or run a hose from the exhaust pipe back into the car, and wait for the sweet life insurance checks to roll in.
Could be fun to find out how much thermite it takes to burn through an engine block
Thermite would be fun
If I remember my Mythbusters correctly, you just need to hide a pig carcass in the car for 6 months, by which time the smell will be enough to turn the neigborhood into a Salvador Dali painting.
That sounds appropriately terrifying
Final distribution of my last dozen eggs:
5 – Meals
4 – Ordnance
3 – Cheese flan for owner of corner bar / market (pending ?)
Is there some way you can make the ordnance eggs rot quickly? Or trade them for a trebuchet?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oaZRhoxtHKY
Trebuchet rates giantest egg.
Atook zug-zug Lana.
Devious. I like it.
“Memorex” reference in this hockeyed game, DRINK!
Not watching. Shattering wine glass or dude in chair with tie blowing back?
Is it live?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q2LughbIfyE
Never saw that, just the magazine ads I referenced. Looks early 80s though, where I didn’t see TV ads for three years during my time in the Far East Fleet.
I think the tie blowing back was for cassette tapes, not vhs, maybe a different brand.
Google search reveals you are right, Maxell. No excuses, it was almost fucking 40 years ago.
And the other one I referred to was apparently mid-70s.
?itok=-j7jT13r
I think there might have also been a video ad like that, with an opera singer shattering a glass?
Ella Fitzgerald was in both the print and TV ads.
1-1 already, not even 5 minutes in for Montreal-Vancouver. Seems like those Canadians could take a page from us and invest a little more in Defense.
And now 2-2. These goalies are made of Swiss cheese.
Not even a proper poutine cheese.
So you backed a Deep State, pederasty conspiracy that you couldn’t see was an obvious hoax ‘cause InterwEbZ and mild egging from powerful folks: there, there. Have a drink—of actual good stuff. PTSD’s on the house
Ya got Angostura in that Cuba?
blasfemia, menG
Ron + limón + Coke.* That’s it.
* This one’s Coke Zero ‘cause I want all shirts to fit.
I especially hate QAnon since my middle name starts with Q and I was always very fond of it as a letter
Quincy?
Questra
Like the Adidas soccer ball from the 90s?
They named a soccer ball after me?
If I had been a boy it would have been Questar, or possibly Questor. It has some sort of sci-fi connection
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adidas_Questra
Yelled the question out my windows and some guy on the street responded
Does not fit my imaginary internet mental picture of Dok Zymm.
Tawmee from Quinzee.
Same here. How dare their ruin the great name of Q!
Star Trek: Borg, Highlights – YouTube
Your middle name starts with Q too??
No, I wish. My parents went with a boring middle name. Not something cool like Tiberius, Robinette or Rhoshandiatellyneshiaunneveshenk.
And then that guy froze up and allowed a mid-air collision between an airliner and a private plane over Albuquerque because his daughter died from choking on her own vomit during a heroin overdose. Fucking Walter White anyway.
I tried to read this book back when I was in Kuwait in 2008, but failed to finish it.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Q_(novel)
Why did I just realize that this week’s NFC game is the BATTLE OF THE WHITE TRASH BAYS
Tampa does win the “titty bar per capita” challenge, though.
Yes but Green Bay absolutely crushes them by the “actually human breast tissue” category. Even if you limit it to just the male residents of Green Bay vs. the entirety of Tampa.
My suggestions involve either a tank or deflating the tires (not slashing because they’ll know, but a tire at 10 PSI isn’t noticeable), but this may help.
What you can LEGALLY do if someone blocks your driveway – ramming not an option – Kent Live
Easy solution:
1) Buy a bag of concrete
B) Hire local youth to build a 6 inch berm blocking off your driveway.
!) Profit!
I think one of these elevator parking spots may be in order. Whenever a car blocks the driveway, DonT can lower it into his secret basement garage. Then he can decide at his leisure whether to sell off the offending car for parts or be generous and return it, or use it to commit crimes which will be blamed on the car’s owner!
Excellent!
Fun fact: those are everywhere in Mexico City due to the lack of space.
If that’s the case, they’re probably big in Europe as well.
Just saw an ad with Joe Montana pimping the drinking of water for Guinness. It’s a new world.
No way THE LEAGUE allows Chad Henne to start this weekend.
At least the Bills are a solid team so if they get to the (Street Fighter II Voice) FINAL ROUND (normal bass, yet nasally voice) it will still be a good team that made it, instead of a weak team that will get murderdeathkilled by GB/TB.
Cincinnati Bengals to unveil new jersey design for 2021 (usatoday.com)
”Hallelujah” chorus, from Händel’s Messiah – Mormon Tabernacle Choir – YouTube
It would be cool if they changed their name to the Bengalis.
Saris for everyone!
Winnipeg up big on Ottawa, probably getting revenge for the
(checks notes)
Moose Sausage Tax Act of 1932
“Too soon, man!” — Winnipeggers
Ahem.
Who’s Winnie and why are so many people pegging her?
I don’t know, I left town before all the buggery.
Don T, did you know your name could be said as “Don’t”?
We Don’t Like Congress – YouTube
I was going to post this yesterday to celebrate Trump and his administration leaving the White House, but I forgot. Thankfully stories of people Q-anon so despondent that their hero lied to them that some are losing their “faith”, so this video is more appropriate.
You hate to see it.
I just hope that most of them go back to normal instead of progressing to the next level of crazy
Wishful thinking.
Yeah, we aren’t out of the woods just yet.
I think what will help is the Pandemic ending and Trump’s financials showing him to be the failure we all know he is.
Burnley. That is all.
ah wuz sayin’ Boo-URN-ley!!
Fuck everything with a rusty screwdriver sideways.
Given that teams are hiring anyone to coach, I’d like to throw my name into the hat. I manage a team of office staff, which means I have experience in a leadership role, despite my team secretly hating me (they always do). With my management skills, I can give speeches that say words that really don’t mean anything:
“We need to come together more as a unit.”
“We are all a team here.”
“We come in here and give 110% everyday.” – even though that is physically not possible
I can eat like 75% of what Andy Reid does. My capacity to relate to people is as good as any current HC in Pittsburgh. My willingness to relocate to Cincinnati should qualify me more than any sane individual.
But have you ever used such motivational devices as dropping your pants or burying a football?
um… burying a football where? Because… reasons. And maybe some past arrests for indecent exposure.
Next to Jimmy Hoffa? They never found him…
In today’s NFL, you gotta open an IG account, follow all your players, then threaten to cut those who merely put a ❤️ in your #LivingMyBestLife posts—instead of writing a validation.
Cincinnati’s strength is everyone knows its a small town, but people not being completely unwilling to move here if they have to.
Fuck it. I’m making a BLT for dinner. During another Cuba Libre.
I had cheese, crackers, pepperoni, and a bottle of cab. Bracketed on either side by Bacardi Limon/Cherry Zero. I am a philistine.
I had a Breakfast Bowl for dinner. It was beautiful.
Enjoy your Bitchin Lingua Taco!
Gotta bone up on Soanish, now that the wall won’t be built ?
I’ve joined a few different subscription boxes the last few months, and tonight I am feasting off their bounty. I got some really nice wine glasses in one box, which I’m trying out with a Sapphire Hill wine (not exactly subscription, but wine club which is close), and a cheese plate for dinner where all the non-cheese elements come from 2 different snack subscription boxes.
Have you considered consulting Gary Numan? [makes electric synth sounds, stares into camera]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Im3JzxlatUs&ab_channel=TheArkive
I’m looking more for a “Don’t mess wit me” stare, not a “Dating me proves you’re deranged” stare.
Gotta practice this one
The joint might be off-putting
Change it for a pipe
You got the wrong guy from that movie.
You must capture the cold uncaring eyes of the goose
Just get a tow truck company to come and take the cars away. Should only have call exactly one to find one scummy enough to take the jorb.
They don’t have tow trucks in Puerto Rico, just yellow canvas tow straps or chains. Here, have a roll of paper towels.
—The ex-president.
Hmm, tell me more about this socialist paradise.
?
Since PR’s Wi-Fi has become better than Brocky’s, yes: it’s paradise.
Sounds like a job for caltrops!
That’s a noun I haven’t seen in a long time.
I still stand by my whole milk suggestion. I think I was drunk the first time Don T mentioned this problem, and can’t remember if I suggested the Beverly Hills Cop banana in the tailpipe solution.
Thought about it, but risk my neighbor’s car being busted. That would be very uncool.
BYW, had to look up caltrop. It’s great. Dynsmite Scrabble word—7 tiles in plural ?
Quick comment to the previous, now-abandoned counterfeiter thread:
hanged by the neck… – and then publicly disemboweled.
I’d certainly prefer the two in that order rather than reversed, if given the choice.