Your “No Disrespect Dammit!” Thursday Open Thread

Don T

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Next Sunday is Championship Sunday, the best sports day of the year, I think. But with its high highs comes the Wile E. Coyote plummet. Come next Monday, it’s the Superb Owl and then The Emptiness of Life* until August, interrupted by signings and the Draft. And with the chock-full of weekly fitbaw wrought by Covid scheduling, the imminent end of this NFL season feels like an anvil to the genitals. The soul’s genitals.  

* Unless you have children, the most joyful of burdens.

And what a season! Any of the finalists can win it all. The Bills and Chefs were the class of the AFC, validated after Team beat the Steelers in the first leg of an early December Covid MNF doubleheaders.

On the NFC, it’s been the Packers and The Rest all season. As to the Bucs,

To be honest, Tom Brady getting a ring for the left nut doesn’t offend me much. I mean, short of an Alex Guerrero indictment, TB’s greatness is objectively unparalleled. Then again, Old Tom has been a staple of DFO Hate Week. Not that there’s a shortage of stuff to be angry about, but tradition dammit! Perhaps Schadenfreude Week could become a thing.

Packers Win 34-17

NFL HIRES

-Iggles got a new head coach: Nick Sirianni, 39, formerly the Clots OC. The aim is to get Wentz “back to that elite progression”, per owner Jeffrey Lurie. Overpay, then coddle: that’s how you come up with new bullshit uses of “elite”.

-Steelers signed Dwayne Haskins. The former Team’s first round QB hopes to fill Pittsburgh’s void of head-case-itis after Antonio Brown’s departure. The QB room with Ben, Mason Rudolph and Haskins should be christened the Massengill Conference Room. Not being sexist, just trying to explain the magnitude of douche.

-New Loins head coach, Dan Campbell.

Campbell gained notoriety after he became interim HC of the Dolphins some years ago. His first game as a meathead coach was against the Titans. Campbell whooped it up after he had Olivier Vernon snap Marcus Mariota’s leg like a churro. Congrats to the Bears, Packers and Vikes.

Not Dead

-Patrick Mahomes. In practice today, the QB “took the majority of the snaps”, but other than that is “concussion protocol” this and “If Mahomes clears” that.

Dead

-My peace of mind. A slew of fucking assholes who deserve a sulphuric acid enema  have taken to parking in front of my driveway, blocking my car. You know, now that I’m almost 50, I had been looking forward to not come and go from my home every godamn time I please without asking for permission or even THE MOST BASIC ELEMENTS OF RESPECT AND CONSIDERATION TO SOMEONE WHO HAS NEVER DONE SHIT TO YOU. I had to egg a car two nights ago for a three-time repeat offender and, ever since, I’ve had had to tell FOUR persons to move their fucking car. Of course, keeping my driveway clear has required constant vigilance; I’ve been checking every 30 minutes the last two days because this particular thing riles up like NOTHING my inner 80-year-old. 

-Ted Thompson, former Green Bay GM and the executive who drafted A. A. Ron. No disrespect; just wanted another item on this section.

Sprots Sprots Sprots

On tonight’s placebo docket, no offnce (all listings espen, times Central):

NBA

I was the biggest NBA fan. Laker fan, as matter of fact. James Worthy was my favorite player. But Los Lakers went ahead and bought Shaq from Orlando, just around the time I got into ladieeerm, I mean, college. Then he traveling and the 3-point orgies happened and…

/warms instant oats for dinner, puts ointment on knees

Tonite:

Lakers @ Bucks – 6:30 (TNT)

Pelicans @ Jazz – 9:00 (TNT)

Knicks @ Warriors – 9:00

Hockey Hockey Hockey!

Good that the Eulers don’t play today. I’m still workshopping my formula and transcendental numbers material.

Intelligent design fodder (Woke Level)

Flyera @ Bruins – 6 PM

Devils @ Islanders  – 6 PM

Lightning @ Blue Jackets  – 6 PM (NBCSN)

Jets @ Senators – 6 PM

The battle of the demonyms!  

Canadiens @ Canucks – 8:30 PM (NBCSN)

It’s the eternal conflict: formal vs. cute. For hockey, I’d take whoever has the most brutes.

Avalanche @ Kings – 9 PM (ESPN+)

Indentured Roundball

Sheeeit. Everybody and their papa play tonight. (Full listing here.) Some games:

Wichita St. @ Memphis – 6:00 (ESPN2)

SE MO St. @ Morehead St. – 6:00 (ESPNU)

Jax St. @ Murray St. – 7:30 (ESPN+)

Game cocks. That’s my prediction.

Tenn. Tech @ Austin Peay .– 7:30 (ESPN+)

Indiana @ #4 Iowa – 8:00 PM (FS1)

#24 UCLA @ Cal – 8:00 PM (ESPNU)

Portland @ BYU – 8:00 PM (CBSSN)

SIU Edwardville @ Tenn. St. – 8:00 PM (ESPN+)

Colorado St. @ Utah St. – 10 (FS1)

NCAA Women’s Basketball

Sheeeit. Everybody and their mama play tonight. (Full listing here.) Some games:

#3 UConn. @ #25 Tenn. – 6:00 (ESPN)

Clemson @ FS – 6:00 PM (ACCNX)

Samford @ Chattanooga – 6:00 (ESPN+)                                                       

Furman @ Mercer – 6:00 (ESPN+)

Notre Dames @ VA Tech – 6:00 (ACCNX)

GA tech @b Wake Forest – 6:00 (ACCN)

#12 UK @ Auburn – 6:30 (SECN)

#23 Syracuse @ #1 Louisville – 8:00 (ESPN2)

Fútbol (Clausura – Secsy Mecsi)

Atlético San Luis @ Guadalajara – 9:00 (ESPN)

 

The end of the NFL season is nigh, sigh. Bleak times ahead, peeples.

/buys yellow No Parking paint, machete holder for front door

All gifs via giphy.com

 

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Don T
Don T
Poor choices, mixed results. ¡Viva Puerto Rico Libre! Titans4Eva
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bk109

So, uhh… why didn’t you just call to get those cars towed if they were breaking the law by blocking your driveway? Or they’re actually parking legally on a street and you’re just shit outta (legal) options? In Dublin I had a couple of neigbours parking repeatedly in front of my garage and a couple of tows later people learned not to mess with me .

By the way ALLEGEDLY if you spray some lubricant (high-temperature sillicone one should do the trick nicely.. or so I’ve heard) all over the brakes and the problem will get resolved at the first stop sign 😀

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh, yeah! Chili oil on the door handles should work pretty well too. Most likely they find out the next time they rub their eyes, but you might get lucky and catch somebody right before they touch their weiner.

bk109

Or chloroform/phosphoric acid on the glass (the former damages/dissolves all sorts of plastics around and some glass coatings), the latter NUKES glass and metals…
Or if DonT doesn’t want to have shit traced to him, caltrops! Technically, not quite the same thing, but take a couple of those trapezoidal safety blades, make a couple of small notches on the blunt side on both, slide blunt on blunt and … ya got a surprise for a certain someone 😀
Well, the last one is only allegedly, ’cause I’m too good of a guy to take my revenge on an old boss back in the old country by using 4 of ^ made from spent DeWalt blades , y’know, the ones that already have a notch for their proprietary locking system, thrown under his Alfa Romeo
(Totally not akin to this one, but with a long cutout between the two smaller ones)
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There’s also the brute force approach, but dunno if he wants to rent a car / buy a beater to tow the offending cars himself (or “accidentally” ram them)

Last edited 1 month ago by bk109
Viva La Tabula Raza

Too many of these floating around the internet, but I kind of like this one, because I like Keanu.comment image?w=800&h=457

Gumbygirl

I have Bernie in my yard

IMG_5575(1).jpg
Brick Meathook

“The Continental OP: 14 Classic Detective Stories” by Dashiell Hammett

Doktor Zymm

Currently re-reading Russka by Rutherford. Y’all?

montythisseemsstrangetome

I’m just starting the 3rd volume of the LBJ bio series by Robert Caro.

Viva La Tabula Raza

THAT is a worthwhile set of reads. First volume still rocks for me, the Pedernales Electric Co-Op that he brought into existence is my electric company. The republicans still hate him, but have not bought generators.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Read it when it was first printed, and a couple of others of his as well, I think he wanted to be the Limey Michener.

herodotus450

Just finished this one, as recommended by someone around here
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herodotus450

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Just finishing up Good Omens.

Gumbygirl

That’s a favorite!

SonOfSpam

About to start my first travel book from Paul Theroux…anyone read him?

Doktor Zymm

Yes! I enjoy his books, although I’ve not read all of them. Which are you starting?

SonOfSpam

Last Train to Zona Verde (was on sale at Amazon, which seems to be a requirement for me). What’s your favorite if you have one?

Doktor Zymm

I really liked Dark Star Safari, and no travel book has made me feel more ambitious yet inadequate than The Happy Isles of Oceania

SonOfSpam

Thanks – I’ll grab those next assuming I like this first one!

Doktor Zymm

And thanks for letting me know that one is on sale 😛

Doktor Zymm

Riding the Iron Rooster is also fantastic, plus China has changed so much that reading something from 1988 is almost kinda trippy

Viva La Tabula Raza

I really like reading travelogues from days gone by.

Doktor Zymm

Agree, although I also get kinda sad I don’t have a time machine and infinite youth/life

Viva La Tabula Raza

Getting old sucks. I’m still trying to decide if the alternative is preferable.

Viva La Tabula Raza

YES! His novels are hit or miss, but his travel books are the best.

SonOfSpam

Figured since I can’t travel, may as well live vicariously.

Viva La Tabula Raza

That’s where I am. All these places I don’t think I’ll ever get to now. Fortunately I made it around the globe several times when I was younger. Still, watching tours of the Scottish Isles, rambling in the English countryside, and Australian 4-wheel-drive trips through the outback and the northern peninsula of Queensland state are relaxing.

Dunstan

Been to Australia twice, but haven’t made it to Queensland. Tasmania is awesome though.

bk109

Tasmania is great and also has the distinct advantage of being far less likely to kill you than … basically the entire rest of Australia (with a special shoutout to the lovely nutters at Alice Springs. Nothing says ‘straya quite like 48 degrees in the shade in January) 😀

herodotus450

“Thatcher Demko” is: ?
a) a rare liver disease affecting only European heads of state,
b) a Minnesota heavy metal band, or
c) a hockey goalie

montythisseemsstrangetome

Ask your doctor if Thatcher Demko is right for you.

Sharkbait

Offer may be invalid in Vancouver

SonOfSpam

I’d like to be offered an invalid in Vancouver due to specific fetish.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Fookin’ Top Gear Limeys
—pissed off Argies.

SonOfSpam

Character in Bill O’Reilly’s latest erotic novel.

He’s a quick-witted talk show host with a huge penis and irresistible musk who must impregnate the President’s daughter to save mankind.

/gets offer from Fox Movie Channel to write screenplay

herodotus450

DEMko

(eyeballs)

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

But seriously if it was a Bill O’Reilly novel his name would be Demkill.

SonOfSpam

Probably too subtle for him.

Libkiller Strongcock.

Doktor Zymm

An Eastern European Keynesian who enjoys pearl necklaces on stout British ladies

Viva La Tabula Raza

GInger Biden Press Secretary gives me a moderate stiffy.

SonOfSpam

Jen Psaki?

The “p” is silent, but yours ain’t.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Two consonants to begin the last name is pretty cool. PS I Love You.

montythisseemsstrangetome

“Moderate doesn’t go far enough.”

-Bernie and AOC

TheRevanchist

Oh, yeah. A red head. She’s got my attention.

herodotus450

nothing to see here

Last edited 1 month ago by herodotus450
Viva La Tabula Raza

Sorry, you fucking HOF voters knew he was a fucking right wing fucking asshole before this fucking insurrection bullshit. Own it, you fucking assholes.
https://www.rawstory.com/curt-schilling/

Last edited 1 month ago by Viva La Tabula Raza
herodotus450

Rhode Island residents:
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montythisseemsstrangetome

Remember when DJT tried to buy the Bills and even the notably principled and ethical group that makes up NFL ownership was like, man I don’t think we want that dude among our ranks.

herodotus450

I member when he bought into the USFL instead, tried to sue the NFL for a merger, won the lawsuit, but was only awarded 1$ or something in damages, no merger.

Viva La Tabula Raza

God, if only the NFL had let him buy the Bills. The NFL might have been worse than what we are dealing with right now., but maybe the country would be better off.

montythisseemsstrangetome

We couldn’t wish that upon our Right Reverend Electric Mayhem.

SonOfSpam

They would be the Riyadh Rowdee Rapists by now.

Doktor Zymm

It’s entirely possible that owning the Bills decreases your lifespan.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Or my Buffalo born-and bred ex-GF, who i introduced to NFL football right about the time Jim Kelly joined the Bills and took them to 4 SBs in a row.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

I have publicly stated that in retrospect I wish he had bought the team. I love the Bills, but it would have been a beautifully heroic sacrifice.

Brick Meathook

You should read “Football for a Buck: The Crazy Rise and Crazier Demise of the USFL” by Jeff Pearlman. The Donald Trump story is writ large, and you can see the future in his actions with the USFL.

I think Pearlman is one of the funniest sportswriters out there. “Boys Will Be Boys” about the ‘80s Dallas Cowboys (it opens with Michael Irvin stabbing a teammate in the neck with scissors) is hystericalLy funny. I honestly believe the book inspired the original KSK.

Col. Duke LaCross

His book on the ‘86 Mets was as insane as that team. His Walter Payton book made me cry.

SonOfSpam

Yeah, Bonds is a cheater but I’d take him before Schilling or Clemens who just seem like horrible dickwads.

montythisseemsstrangetome

Force the offenders to watch 30 — no 60 — seconds of Stephen A.‘s World.

Brick Meathook

Get a crane and drop a safe on the car.

Viva La Tabula Raza

comment image/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/180?cb=20180612111237

herodotus450

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Game Time Decision

Just pour some Sugar in the gas tank. It will destroy the engine

herodotus450

Or run a hose from the exhaust pipe back into the car, and wait for the sweet life insurance checks to roll in.

Doktor Zymm

Could be fun to find out how much thermite it takes to burn through an engine block

Game Time Decision

Thermite would be fun

herodotus450

If I remember my Mythbusters correctly, you just need to hide a pig carcass in the car for 6 months, by which time the smell will be enough to turn the neigborhood into a Salvador Dali painting.

Doktor Zymm

That sounds appropriately terrifying

Viva La Tabula Raza

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Doktor Zymm

Is there some way you can make the ordnance eggs rot quickly? Or trade them for a trebuchet?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oaZRhoxtHKY

Viva La Tabula Raza

Trebuchet rates giantest egg.comment image
Atook zug-zug Lana.

Sharkbait

Devious. I like it.

herodotus450

“Memorex” reference in this hockeyed game, DRINK!

Viva La Tabula Raza

Not watching. Shattering wine glass or dude in chair with tie blowing back?

herodotus450
Viva La Tabula Raza

Never saw that, just the magazine ads I referenced. Looks early 80s though, where I didn’t see TV ads for three years during my time in the Far East Fleet.

herodotus450

I think the tie blowing back was for cassette tapes, not vhs, maybe a different brand.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Google search reveals you are right, Maxell. No excuses, it was almost fucking 40 years ago.

Last edited 1 month ago by Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

And the other one I referred to was apparently mid-70s.comment image?itok=-j7jT13r

herodotus450

I think there might have also been a video ad like that, with an opera singer shattering a glass?

Viva La Tabula Raza

Ella Fitzgerald was in both the print and TV ads.

Last edited 1 month ago by Viva La Tabula Raza
herodotus450

1-1 already, not even 5 minutes in for Montreal-Vancouver. Seems like those Canadians could take a page from us and invest a little more in Defense.

Mr. Ayo

And now 2-2. These goalies are made of Swiss cheese.

Not even a proper poutine cheese.

ballsofsteelandfury

Ya got Angostura in that Cuba?

Doktor Zymm

I especially hate QAnon since my middle name starts with Q and I was always very fond of it as a letter

ballsofsteelandfury

Quincy?

Doktor Zymm

Questra

ballsofsteelandfury

Like the Adidas soccer ball from the 90s?

Doktor Zymm

They named a soccer ball after me?
If I had been a boy it would have been Questar, or possibly Questor. It has some sort of sci-fi connection

herodotus450

Questra was the name given to a family of footballs originally produced by Adidas for major international events in the mid-1990s. The name was derived from an ancient word meaning “the quest for the stars.”

Yelled the question out my windows and some guy on the street responded

Viva La Tabula Raza

Does not fit my imaginary internet mental picture of Dok Zymm.comment image

Last edited 1 month ago by Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Tawmee from Quinzee.

Redshirt

Same here. How dare their ruin the great name of Q!

Star Trek: Borg, Highlights – YouTube

ballsofsteelandfury

Your middle name starts with Q too??

Redshirt

No, I wish. My parents went with a boring middle name. Not something cool like Tiberius, Robinette or Rhoshandiatellyneshiaunneveshenk.

Viva La Tabula Raza

And then that guy froze up and allowed a mid-air collision between an airliner and a private plane over Albuquerque because his daughter died from choking on her own vomit during a heroin overdose. Fucking Walter White anyway.

Viva La Tabula Raza

I tried to read this book back when I was in Kuwait in 2008, but failed to finish it. comment image
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Q_(novel)

Doktor Zymm

Why did I just realize that this week’s NFC game is the BATTLE OF THE WHITE TRASH BAYS

Viva La Tabula Raza

Tampa does win the “titty bar per capita” challenge, though.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly