The DFO Mock Draft, Chapter The First

One of the biggest things I miss from our old site was the mock drafts that used to run every Friday.  Those were fantastic time wasters, and a good one was a virtual guarantee that you were going to be far from productive at work, as your day instead degenerated into arguments with strangers over who would be the best Saturday cartoon character to have sex with, (and there’s Chapter 2), or some other equally inane topic, all of which were still more important than that TPS report deadline your boss was yelling about.  Good times.

Well, it’s been long enough.  After a discussion in the back channels yours truly is bringing it back, with some slight rule changes.  The old site had 4-5 main contributors, one of whom may not have been real.  So they’d do 2-3 rounds themselves, then kick it to the kommentariat to draft whatever was left over.  You can do that when you’ve only taken 10-15 of whatever topic was up for drafting.  We, however, are a much more connected group when it comes to the writin’ and draftin’ of things, so if we did that we’d easily take out 30-50 before we threw the bedraggled leftovers to our beloved readership.  That’s no fun.

So these drafts, which I expect to last as long as I remember to do them, (2-3 weeks), will just leap right into it.  Yours in the comments, first come, first served.  For now, please wait 10 picks before making another one.  That will be revised up or down depending on how much participation we get, which I hope will be a lot.

This weeks topic:  FAVORITE SANDWICHES

Hoo-boy, is this seemingly benign topic a veritable Pandora’s Box of controversy!  Is a hot dog a sandwich?  What is a taco?  Where do we put dumplings?  If I stack one lasagna on top of another lasagna have I created a gourmet sandwich, or a crime against humanity only slightly worse than genocide?  As far as this mock draft goes, no one cares;  if you think it’s a sandwich, and you love it with all of your clogged-artery-riddled heart, then go for it.  Add pictures to whet our appetites!  But feel free to mock, (see what I did there), the choices and logic of others and their silly-ass ideas as to what constitutes a sandwich.  Good naturedly, of course.

As the author of this little opus, I award myself the first pick, as well as 5 comely lasses.  Let’s go to this topic’s Commissioner and get this started!

 

With the 1st pick, in the favorite sandwich mock draft, Horatio Cornblower selects….

 

The Brisket Reuben from BT’s Smokehouse in Sturbridge, MA.

It’s got brisket, it’s got Swiss cheese, it’s got homemade slaw, it’s got some kind of sauce, all on toasted bread, and it has my heart, quite possibly literally, because this thing is undoubtedly as bad for you as it is tasty, and it is goddamn delicious.  Please note that they have not paid me to say this, but I would take their money if they did.

Yours in the comments, but just know that I’ve already won.

5 4 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
126 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Gumbygirl

When I lived in Atlanta around the turn of the century (yes, assholes, this one!) there was a hole in the wall Italian restaurant called Biba’s that had an eggplant parm sub that was molto bene. The rolls were housemade by this teeny tiny old Italian nonna who was just a bit cranky, but she was a master baker. The eggplant parm was great too, but it really was the bread that made the sammich.

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m really disappointed I couldn’t participate because of work.

Here’s my entry:

Go to Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles.
Slather butter and syrup over the waffle.
Pull apart pieces of chicken from the breast you ordered making sure you have plenty of skin on them.
Place breast pieces on top of one part of waffle.
Dealer’s Choice: either 1) fold the waffle over itself taco-style or 2) Cut up the waffle into fourths and put one fourth on top of the other sandwich-style.

Last edited 16 days ago by ballsofsteelandfury
BrettFavresColonoscopy

For my last pick:

Buffalo chicken and waffles from Zed 451 in Chicago (now closed due to covid, fuck you, Trump)
comment image

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Maestro says fried chicken in and of itself is already a sandwich so nothing means anything

Bogdanski

Probably too late but the dirty flat top burger from the Friendly in San Diego.
https://images.app.goo.gl/DsqP4Adc5NVwKpYv8
Ugly as hell, no substitutions, additions, or removals. Occasionally they’ll put foie gras on it though. It’s where all the other chefs go when their nights are over.

Bogdanski

Guh, will never figure out posting a picture.
https://images.app.goo.gl/trZ77FXRDPY1pXx6A

Doktor Zymm

And last one, Gua Baocomment image

Doktor Zymm

And I feel okay popping in another pick since everyone else has already done a few, the Bosnian national food which is not always served assembled as a sandwich but is tasty no matter what: cevapicomment image

Doktor Zymm

I’m coming in way late, but the classic Cuban is not the only sandwich from Cuba, and I prefer the Medianoche comment image

ballsofsteelandfury

The Medianoche is indeed the superior sandwich from Cuba.

Senor Weaselo

2nd pick is not a restaurant pick, but a personal creation: Senor Weaselo’s Ultimate Peanut Butter Sandwich.

3 slices of bread
4 slatherings of peanut butter, including both sides of the middle slice
You want jelly? THE JELLY IS MORE PEANUT BUTTER.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

You’re almost as bad as Maestro, who lit this fuse and then went AWOL

Senor Weaselo

Hey, at least we can say that this is undoubtedly a sandwich. It follows my apparent personal rules of either structural or ingredient purity!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

IMPORTANT SANDWICH DRAFT UPDATE

I am now literally eating Rikki’s first round pick

BrettFavresColonoscopy

And the sandwich is now gone. But it was delicious.

LemonJello

“That’s an option?” *stomach grumbles*
-A. Reid

Brick Meathook

This doesn’t count as a gyro!

It’s a Chicken Tarna Wrap sandwich from the original Zankou Chicken on Sunset Blvd in the “Little Armenia” section of Los Angeles, east of Hollywood (“Big Armenia” is Glendale).

Zankou Chicken is a chain split into two factions by a feuding Armenian family. Murder is involved. The Sunset Blvd location is the original and the best.

comment image

Last edited 16 days ago by Brick Meathook
ballsofsteelandfury

This is an amazing sandwich

Gumbygirl

Oh Jesus, I’m slobbering!

ArmedandHammered

The gyro! Extra meat and tzatziki please!

WCS

A Yinzer favorite: Chipped ham barbeque
comment image

Gumbygirl

Fuck yes. And another Yinzer tradition, the Combination sandwich, which is usually ham, egg, and cheese on toasted white bread. Sometimes on a hamburger bun, but I’m suspicious of those.

Gumbygirl

This is NOT my pick, just an observation. My pick is the eggplant parm above.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Fuck Nashville style, the Momofuku spicy chicken sandwich with their custom hot sauce bottle is the winner
comment image

Warthog

Those fries look pretty good too.

Warthog

Looks like slaw will go undrafted.

LemonJello

Sweeto Burritos Carnivore:

Grilled steak, smoked chicken, bacon, pepper jack cheese, rice,cilantro ranch and sriracha.

comment image

Warthog

Carne asada torta, por favor.

comment image

Last edited 16 days ago by Warthog
Brick Meathook

Sorry, waiting 10 picks is too many so I’m observing the 30 minute rule.

The authentic Los Angeles (from Tijuana) “Danger Dog” hot dog sandwich:

comment image

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Is this the one with mayo?

Brick Meathook

Yes, it’s “mayo.”

Also, the “franks” are traditionally made with dead Mexican drug dealers.

ballsofsteelandfury

Great choice!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Back from an attempted hike (the trail was closed) and I see that the Croque Madame is still on the board? Yoink!
comment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

For those wondering what the difference is, the Madame is the same as the Monsieur except it has a fried egg on top. Which, let’s be honest, would make any other sandwich better, too.

Brick Meathook
Redshirt

https://www.royrogersrestaurants.com/menu/lunch-dinner/burgers/double-r-bar-burger

The Double R or it’s non-franchise equivalent Lucky R gets my vote. Especially with BBQ sauce.

Brick Meathook

FIFY:
comment image

ArmedandHammered

Binh mi, the Vietnamese sub that got me to first try Vietnamese food all those years ago.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This is an outstanding value pick

King Hippo

North Cakalaky-style pulled pork BBQ sandwich, vinegar sauce AND NO GODDAMNED SLAW.

add not-too-onion-y hush puppies to the greasy bag, and you have perfection

Last edited 17 days ago by King Hippo
Warthog

I’ll take your slaw. And a Cheerwine. Undrinkable otherwise, but with a pulled pork sammich it’s the choice.

TheRevanchist

FUCK SLAW!

Warthog

Slaw is the new thin mints?

ArmedandHammered

Actually the non-mayo slaw is ok with me, if it has mayo or *shudder* Miracle Whip, just give it to a prisoner of war instead of waterboarding them.

Warthog

I worked at a place we made slaw with vinegar and Dr. Pepper. Sounds horrifying, but it’s actually quite good.

Brick Meathook

Hickory Burger
The Apple Pan
West Los Angeles

comment image

(note: I took this photo and consumed all this, including the plates and bill)

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I have eaten this burger and it is as tasty as it is awkward to wait along the wall and make eye contact to confirm if it’s your turn to sit at the counter and drink out of a paper cup.

Beerguyrob

comment image

Beerguyrob

comment image?itemid=6020408

Beerguyrob

comment image

scotchnaut

My contribution is the humble Egg Salad sandwich. Easy to make, fart-inducing, perfect for a light lunch and it always reminds me of the good times I had with your mother.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/UEBM2C4DRAxiGRxeUyaizkA9qj_awl5jujNiIhtQbZjgzM_gfd1h3Ei2-aoYuqbMNGvOxjqBSijNFKUijtgFSneK9L6kDI0oM8OJ-w=w600-rj-l68-e365

Last edited 17 days ago by scotchnaut
scotchnaut

Damnit…

Game Time Decision

Hot Nashiville sandwich from Butchies. Get the spicy, with some slaw and toasted bun. Yum
comment image

BrettFavresColonoscopy

My draft strategy continues to be fucking over others so taking beef on weck before Rev can
comment image

I haven’t eaten one of these in about a decade. Still remember them fondly.

Brick Meathook

This is great. Schwabl’s (sp?) is the best.

Brick Meathook

My latest (to date) Schwabl’s Beef on Weck, March 2019
comment image

Followed by a hot Tom & Jerry
comment image

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Buddy thinks a hot tom and jerry is something very different

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

That is just excellent hustle.

Warthog

BLT still on the board? Yoink! I’ll leave the avocado version for someone else. Just make sure the tomato is an actual tomato and not a red water balloon in disguise.
comment image

Last edited 17 days ago by Warthog
Senor Weaselo

The Whirlaway I mentioned was a BLT with a chicken cutlet but I guess it’s allowed?

Don T

That was gonna be my pick.

Don T

And skip the mayo or skimp on the bacon and yer DED to me.

SonOfSpam

Monte Cristo – the sandwich for people who need their sandwiches to be MOAR fattening.

First one I ever had was at the Blue Bayou restaurant at Disneyland. The Bayou is inside and dark, right next to the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Good times when you’re a kid.

Here’s an example, but I couldn’t find a pic that does this meat-and-cheese-filled, battered-and-sprinkled-with-powdered-sugar bit-o-heaven proper justice.
comment image

LemonJello

I was hoping this would drop to a later round.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Literally my thought.

Warthog

The one and only ambulance visit to any of the restaurants I worked at was for a customer who ordered one of these. The guy had a heart attack. He survived, but sales of Monte Cristos plummeted after that. Suited me. Frying those things was a pain in the ass.

SonOfSpam

I can imagine. Looks like a pain to make.

Remember that one guy who died at the Heart Attack Grill in Vegas? That was a fun story.

LemonJello

Here we go.

If you’re ever in the OBX of North Carolina, stop by Country Deli

http://countrydeliobx.com/menus

So many good sammiches, but I’ll choose: Bermuda Schwartz

comment image

Roast beef, turkey, Swiss and provolone cheeses, lettuce, tomato, onion, mayo, deli mustard on rye bread

Senor Weaselo

Are we going restaurant only? If so I’m going with the Triple Crown Diner’s Whirlaway. Is it just a BLT with a massive fucking chicken cutlet on a roll? Yes. Was it the last thing I ate before my body said “nope” and I had to get my gallbladder removed? Also yes.

Senor Weaselo

(If not, I know what I’m going with with my second pick.)

Game Time Decision

gallbladder?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ah yes, who could forget the Chicken Cutler, invented by a quarterback who was too scared* to return to the field in the 2011 NFC Championship Game.

*was actually seriously injured
comment image

Brick Meathook

Although I know it’s a joke, but say what you will about Jay Cutler he was a tough-ass quarterback who got up and played after some ferocious hits that would have killed lesser QBs. I always was amazed about him for that. Edelman like.

WCS

ITALIAN BEEF
comment image

Last edited 17 days ago by WCS
Game Time Decision

excellent pick, had one at Portillo’s in Chicago, very good

Gumbygirl

Had one a few weeks ago at Portillo’s in Moreno Valley. Now I want another one.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Are we doing tacos next week?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Since I made the playoffs last year, I’m drafting late in the first round, so I’ll go for value and take the classic Italian sub.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

To be more specific, I’m going with the Godmother from Bay Cities Italian Deli in Santa Monica: Genoa salami, prosciutto, mortadella, coppacola, ham and provolone cheese are all thinly layered inside a crusty length of Italian bread.
comment image

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I almost picked this but was trying to fuck over a whole cheeseburger category.

I also will be picking this for lunch today.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

As soon as I posted it I debated structuring my day around getting one for lunch.

Senor Weaselo

I’m all for a future mock draft just on burgers.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Pork-based cured meat, provolone cheese, italian bread. That’s the foundation.

Game Time Decision

Second pick, before I do some work:

Bacon, egg and cheese on a toasted English Muffin.

Brick Meathook

i counter-draft with The Sausage McMuffin

comment image

Game Time Decision

tries to load paper into the fax machiine*
*blender, it’s really a blender.

Game Time Decision

Fuck, the Rueben is gone. Solid pick

So, going with the tried and true PB and J. Personally, I put a bit of butter on each side, then peanut butter, then jam, usually strawberry, in the middle. But I understand there are many other combinations for this sammie.

Game Time Decision

My favourite local deli does not have any food pictures on their site* (boo), but will take the Rueben From Teddy’s Deli.

*site only created due to COVID. There’s always a line out the door there, so no need to have a website.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Dammit missed this. I’ll take all the other Reubens.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’ll take the motherfucking cheeseburger. If we’re being specific, I’ll take this one from American Beauty’s the Win-dow in venice, which is somehow “controversial” but is mainly fucking delicious and dirt cheap.

comment image

https://la.eater.com/2020/3/9/21157839/american-beauty-window-burger-price-cost-venice-smash

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This kinda shit is gonna make me pick fried risotto balls as a “sandwich”

/doesn’t really mean it
//feels dirty and ashamed
///no change from prior feelings

BrettFavresColonoscopy

/wakes up
//sees the reuben and cuban are gone

Fuck you guys.

LemonJello

C’mon, Andy, you know you ate them both as a midnight snack (actual time of consumption: 7pm).

-A. Reid, to himself walking into his en suite kitchen.

Brick Meathook

I draft the “Beef Double-Dip” from Philippe the Original in Downtown L.A. Note that it doesn’t come with jus in a little bowl on the side; at Phillipe’s one or both sides of bread are dipped in jus by the sandwich maker, before your very eyes.

comment image

1) Bread
2) Beef
3) Jus (always spelled and spoken in italics)
4) The “dip”

Brick Meathook

Phillipe’s not only invented the French Dip sandwich (according to them; Cole’s differs), but this also satisfies the category of “sandwiches dipped in liquid” which would also include Oreo cookies dipped in milk.

ArmedandHammered

I love a perfectly made Cuban sandwich, crusty bread, a good crisp pickle, ham and pulled pork, plus the stone ground mustard. Hmmm, now I want one, unfortunately due to #Nuaids I will have to wait till tomorrow to go to my fav place to get one.

Don T

Bello. Pernil rules.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

With the third pick of the 2021 DFO Sandwich Draft, Mayhem’s Chosen Ones select: Grilled Cheese.

While all the pre-draft chatter has focused on its dominant Cheese Density and top Comfort Food rating, Grilled Cheese offers a surprising amount of versatility. A sourdough-and-mozzarella is the perfect three-down sandwich, while changing it up with rye or smoked gouda gives opposing quarterbacks a totally different look. Add a slice of prosciutto and BOOM! your tastebuds AND arteries are on their backs. The only drawback is the requirement of a pan and heat source.

IMG_5332.jpg

Also, “tight hips”. Not sure if that is a good or bad thing in this context.

ArmedandHammered

Are we talking single cheese or a blend of cheeses? I prefer a blend of cheddar, provolone and mozz. But a brie, ham and pear grilled cheese on french bread is fantastic as well.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

I interpreted the brief as allowing Sandwich Classes encompassing variations.

That said, your pear concept is abhorrent. The essence of the Grilled Cheese is it’s simplicity and unhealthy nature. Fruit has no place there.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

I do not recognize the authority of Guy Ferry (fuck you, Guy- you are as italian as Kraft powdered parmesan). However, in the interests of peace, I relinquish any claims to the draft rights over Grilled Cheese Variants Involving Significant Additional Ingredients.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

A simple bacon and cheddar or even American cheese combination is a first ballot hall-of-famer. Nice pick.

LemonJello

It may not be the fanciest, but I would speed through a school zone full of kids to grab a bag of these sandwiches.

It’s called a Gondola from Avanti’s in Bloomington IL.

comment image

It’s a pretty basic sub: ham, salami, american cheese, lettuce. The bread is this slightly sweet, pillowy soft slice of heaven.

Probably rates higher than it should due to childhood nostalgia.

Last edited 17 days ago by LemonJello