The Scotties Tournament of Hearts

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The 2021 Canadian women’s curling championship is here. The Scotties tournament of hearts. Formerly the Scott tournament of hearts. Previously the MacDonald Tobacco Company Lassie tournament (of damaged hearts who are way more fun than your teetotaling friends, Gordon. Lighten up and have a dart, eh?)

The Canadian championships – Scotties and Brier – are a bit strange because in true Canadian fashion they (at least recently) insist on having a representative from all the provinces and territories, regardless of the quality of the entrant. Curling Canada is basically a group of third grade teachers discussing how to keep the athletically pathetic kids engaged in PE class.

That means the curling powerhouses like Manitoba, Ontario, and Alberta go up against weaklings like PEI and Nunavut (population 50,000) despite the fact the latter teams have zero chance of winning the tournament. You’ve also got your middleweights like BC and Quebec with larger populations but lacking the curling culture. They might bring a team with a chance of winning every 15 years or so but really aren’t in the mix. That’s why there are five Manitoba rinks in the Scotties this year – team Canada (winners last year) plus team Manitoba and all three wild card teams.

Keep that in mind if you’re playing the Scotties pick em pool, found here:

https://www.officepools.com/fantasy-curling

If you’re more interested in the icy hot ladies throwing the rocks, here are the teams and their members in photograph form:

Teams

Sweet Jesus just imagine those cold, clammy butts after a strenuous ten-ender. But I digress.

Personally, while my favourite lady curler Shannon Birchard

is the second on team Canada and perennial Hearts contender and hot diner waitress Jennifer Jones (kissing the giant Scotties phallus above) is trying for a record seventh Scotties title with a strong team Manitoba, I think Ontario is the rink to back this year. With Emma Miskew looking good as always and the steely gazed Rachel Homan skipping, they have the talent and pedigree and I think a chip on their collective shoulders that will drive them to another turlet paper trophy.

As a wild card choice I’d go with the literal wild card team #2 and their stunning and talented third Karlee Burgess. She’s not only a fine curler she also looks like the evil Bond girl. The one for whom you’d be willing to be vivisected by laser. Watch her in action, you’ll see it.

Wild card doesn’t mean a lesser team here, especially since they’ve added a couple more due to lack of competitive gameplay to determine provincial winners. Third place in Manitoba is better than most of the teams in the tournament. These gals can play and should be a force if they can get in sync.

In summary: talented and attractive lady athletes. Chilled and sweaty flesh. Screaming “hard” and “yes” a lot. Not following those screams with a disappointed sigh. No commissioner or owners. What’s not to like?

Hope you get a chance to watch. Curling is a great game of skill, strategy, angles and other physics shit, always held in a venue with a well-stocked bar. If you have a curling club in your area you would do yourself a favour by getting down there and playing. It’s like softball without the dickheads and with beer on the playing surface.
And while I’m no expert, if you have any curling questions I’d be happy to answer them. 

A post script? You want to know my dream rink of lady curlers? At this hour? My stars, this is highly unorthodox but if I must:

Francine Smith being spanked

Pregnant Serena Williams

Marissa Tomei in My Cousin Vinny yelling at me in that accent while she throws my belongings on the lawn

and Scarlett Johansson anytime doing anything for as long as she wants. Which definitely includes spitting in my face.

A fifth in case of injury? Sofia Vergara, silent, in skin-tight leopard print. Come to think of it, they’re all in skin-tight leopard print. It is the team uniform after all.

Enjoy the Scotties!

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BC Dick
An aspiring nihilist who lives in British Columbia and enjoys watching the Seahawks, Blue Jays, and many of the incredibly frustrating teams based in B.C.
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Horatio Cornblower

Folks, I am highly intoxicated and just poured myself one of these:
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There is a good chance I will not make it to Mass tomorrow, thereby continuing a streak of 1,040 weeks, give or take the odd wedding.

HOW THE FUCK YOU DOING, BOYS!?

yeah right

I finally watched the big short and it was fantastic. I’ve always rented for a reason.

Viva La Tabula Raza

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Pretty amazing, huh?

Viva La Tabula Raza

Could have been worse, I reckon. Even so, I’d have browned my drawers.comment image/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/700?cb=20120702035133

Last edited 16 days ago by Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

The guy whose yard that had that big ring off the front of the nacelle land in his yard is going to make out at the scrapyard. However, I imagine that the FAA and the National Transportation Safety Board will probably collect all the pieces so he’s just got a good bar story for the rest of his life.

Gumbygirl

Oy vey.

Game Time Decision

That will buff right out
-hot shot pilot

WCS

WVU rallies from 19 points down to beat Texas?
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Texas must have had one hell of a cold stretch for that to have happened.

Last edited 16 days ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Viva La Tabula Raza

Can vouch for this.

Dunstan

Unfortunately, the cry I would be most likely to hear from any of them is “WHOA! OFFFF! RIGHT OFFF!!!”

Viva La Tabula Raza

I just made a short post about getting a shot today, it went into awaiting moderation/approval mode. Weird.

Dunstan

Yeah, I think the auto-mod picks up on certain words or phrases that are likely to appear in spambot posts. I had one get held up a week or two ago, and I can’t remember what it was that set it off.

Viva La Tabula Raza

I looked it over before I refreshed the screen, I wasn’t able to pick out anything that was vaguely offensive, especially when compared to some of the stuff I have successfully posted here before…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s not something we control very actively – for some reason it must have seen something spammy looking and activated.

Mr. Ayo

I’ve taken several shots today without any moderation or approval.

King Hippo

is found and approved, Imaginary Buddy Guy!

Viva La Tabula Raza

Thanks! What do you reckon the offending word or phrase was that triggered the auto-mod?

Last edited 16 days ago by Viva La Tabula Raza
King Hippo

no fookin’ clue, that shit seems totes random to me

Viva La Tabula Raza

Got my booster (second dose) of my shingles immunization at HEB pharmacy today. My arm is sore. Fortunately I had the injection in my left arm, in case I feel the need for a little self abuse later on this evening. Will not provide update.

Gumbygirl

My arm felt like it was going to fall off when I had the second shingles vax, but if it works, I will be thrilled. Nobody deserves shingles. Except Republicans.

litre_cola

GET INNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN (both curlers, and Mighty Whitey)

ballsofsteelandfury

Btw, you have some very eclectic and great lady selections at the end there. You are a complex and interesting man.

ballsofsteelandfury

I am IN like mother effing Canadian Flynn! My entry is BoS from DFO. Mock me for my selections as you wish!

ballsofsteelandfury

I would recommend that anyone that joins the pool put “from DFO” in their entry so that we could all compare scores.

Alternatively, I would ask everyone that created an entry to reveal their entry name in this post.

Mr. Ayo

Jenny from the block from DFO

Game Time Decision

I’m “JustLetItSlide”

King Hippo

oh I missed teh curling beat so very much!