Your Tuesday Temptation Island Talk Ep 1 Recap and Open Thread

So a REALLY funny thing happened last week! We found out by listening through the very thin walls of the DFO clubhouse that one of our DFO commentists (identity hidden to protect the perverted) had a professional appointment with one of the singles featured on the show!

It was only by reading this Open Thread last week that he realized who he was scheduled to meet with!

He promptly canceled the appointment.

So, I do this not only to try to amuse you, but also as a public service. You are welcome.

As we discussed last week, I will be doing weekly recaps as in previous years. I do realize this is an Open Thread and we don’t want to turn this into a novel, so I’ll give you the vital information in a new condensed format for easy reading and less scrolling. I will hopefully maintain the same snark and 12-year old humour you’ve come to expect from me and this endeavour.

***

What Happened?

Honestly, not much. It’s the first episode, so it was just the standard introductions, the backstory of each of the couples, what brought them here blah blah blah and I’m bored just typing this sentence.

There was the usual drama around their separation with a “Last Supper” hosted by Mark L where he explores their weaknesses and points out to them that this may be the last time they see each other as a couple. That’s always my favourite part of the first show because every couple suddenly realizes, “Oh shit, what have we done?”.

My other favourite part of the first show is always the Parade of Singles where the singles have to come up with clever catchphrases or lines to tell the couples on the catwalk. More on that in the next section.

***

Was there anything juicy or were there funny moments?

Nothing that would make your jaw drop, but there were certainly some great moments. Let’s take them chronologically:

  • The title of the episode is “Don’t Drop a Dime for a Nickel” and last season all the episode titles were actual quotes from someone. Is it racist if I give you 1:10 odds that a black castmember said this?
  • Mark L’s white shoes are REALLY white even though he’s standing on sand.
  • Fuck, Hawaii is beautiful. I can’t believe I’ve never been.
  • Thomas “slid into [Chelsea’s] DMs” and I can’t stand this couple two minutes after their background video starts.
  • “Good luck finding somebody who’s going to wake up at 4 in the morning to iron your clothes and make you fresh food”. WTF? Who does this and, more importantly, who expects this to be done for them??
  • Corey was Erin’s boss when they got together. Erin previously dated a linebacker for the Eagles and a shortstop for the Marlins. She obviously makes bad choices.
  • All the couples are barefoot on the sand while Mark L has very nice shoes. That’s a power move.
  • Mark L: Those are good goals! (under his breath) You are so fucked.
  • You can take boy out of Jersey, but you can’t take the Jersey out of the boy. Is that a fucking ankle bracelet over dress shoes?!?!
  • The villas are always awesome. If you have never stayed in a villa, I highly recommend it. They are so choice.
  • Jesús, I’ve seen better lineups at the Chicken Ranch!
  • “Pink girl is NOT happy!”
  • “Ay que calor!”
  • “She a tall bitch!”
  • Shaquille with the titty pumps!
  • Alexcys: “Let’s see… (points to Erica) YOU are going to be seeing me in bonfire in some clips with your man.” That’s baller.
  • And that’s where we get the episode title! Erica, odd, black. Paying the winners now.
  • Shaquille’s got baby fever and wants to find a girl to fertilize. Probably not the best introduction line.
  • There is a LOT of alcohol being consumed. The producers have to know a good distributor willing to cut a deal. No product placement yet, though.
  • “Cheers. To peaks and valleys!” And I KNOW she’s talking about her private parts.
  • Julian recoiled from a hug from one of the singles and offered up a fist pump. That’s a smart man. You can’t be all huggy on the first day. You know that shit will end up on the bonfire video! Maybe later, but not the first day.
  • Kendal (after Mark L tells them he has a dinner with the girlfriends planned): “I’m definitely ready to eat.” Why did they cut out “the single girls’ pussies”?
  • Thomas just called Chelsea a “harpy”. Not in those exact words, but he said she was “harping” on him. I feel like the Emperor saying “Let the Hate flow through you!”
  • I don’t think Julian brought socks on this trip. It’s like someone reminded him that there would be formal dinners and he remembered to bring the shoes but blanked on the socks.
  • Thomas and Chelsea are fighting in their last moments alone and that’s always a good sign.
  • And the episode ends on all the girls crying and the dudes trying to hide their smiles. Perfect.

***

Which couples are breaking up?

Couple #1

Chelsea and Thomas from West Hollywood, CA

Yes. They’re so fucked and they don’t even know it. Chelsea is a Karen shrew and Thomas will be SO happy when this is over and he’s able to date the bubbly and brainless blondes that are prevalent on the Westside.

Couple #2

Erica and Kendal from Culver City, CA

I think so? I think Kendal is ready to party and stick his dick into any Single girl that will let him. The issue is whether any will because he’s kinda goofy-looking and I don’t think he’s as accomplished as he thinks he is. On the other end, Erica ain’t that great either. These two may end up together because no one else wants them.

Couple #3

Erin and Corey from San Diego, CA

The way they talked in the first episode, it sounds like they’re getting ready to break up. Erin kept saying that she wanted the best for him even if it’s not her and I’m thinking he’s already in the Friend Zone even though she’s still banging him because she hasn’t found her next big athlete dick. So, I say they break up.

Couple #4

Kristen and Julian from Sewell, NJ

I have to say, it seems like Julian is a cool dude and Kristen is the one with the issues. Namely, she should have broken up with him when he cheated on her or they should have called a break (WE WERE ON A BREAK!) so they could figure out if they wanted to try dating other people. I think he’s hanging in the relationship because he truly likes her but she ain’t ever getting over the cheating. Might as well cut bait.

***

Are there any Singles that stood out/you’d like to bang?

For some reason, I think Alexcys is gonna be trouble. The spelling is a clear red flag and from what I saw in the episode, she likes to stir shit up. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

Alexcys Holman, 23, Personal Assistant from Van Nuys, CA

Not to be outdone, I think Amanda Bottle Service

Sorry, this is actually her:

Amanda Spain-Butts, 24, Lab Technician and Bottle Service Girl from Austin, TX

is also going to be interesting to watch. She may find love with big-boobied Sofia

Sophia Perez, 22, Makeup Artist from Miami, FL

who, according to the preview video for tonight’s show, doesn’t mind making out with girls.

Finally, we have super tall model Katrina

Katrina Koomen, 22, Model from Novi, MI

who may just have to cut a bitch. She seriously looks like she takes no shit from anyone. I would love for her to get into a fight with one of the other single girls. Preferably in hot oil or whipped cream.

***

Here’s a preview clip for tonight’s episode:

And here is last week’s full episode, in case you want to get up to speed:

YOU FUCKERS NEED TO TUNE IN TONIGHT FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!

***

I’ll be writing recaps of every episode and publishing on the Tuesday the next episode airs.

Temptation Island airs every Tuesday night on USA Network at 10 PM Eastern, 9 PM Central. You can also catch up on prior episodes (if you sign in with a cable or satellite account) and see behind the scene clips on the USA Network website: https://www.usanetwork.com/temptationisland

Let your excitement bubble over in the comments. If we all behave ourselves, maybe we can live-blog this baby!

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Viva La Tabula Raza

“There is a great disturbance in the Canadian Hobo Force.”

Senor Weaselo

It is not nice.

Don T

I think my favorite form of warfare is pillow fights. Then chemical.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Edwin Starr has a confused boner

Viva La Tabula Raza

As does Mike Lindell.

Horatio Cornblower

Hopefully he also has $1.3 billion he’s not doing anything with.

Viva La Tabula Raza

I hope he doesn’t, and has to go to debtor’s prison.

Don T

I have this much energy right now
comment image

litre_cola

Hell of a weekend at the S & M Furry convention in Vegas.

Viva La Tabula Raza

It’s the one that will take place after Randall Flagg’s adherents gather in Vegas in The Stand.

Horatio Cornblower

There’s a NASCAR race sponsored by a vodka, which is promising.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Ooooh fancy

Viva La Tabula Raza

Is part of the sponsorship deal that each driver has to pound a liter of product before they wave the green flag? Because THAT would be worth fucking watching.

litre_cola

*litre

Viva La Tabula Raza

leader.

Senor Weaselo

“Are there pills involved? Asking for… a friend.” -Britt Reid

Horatio Cornblower

‘Oh good, a new Dennis Leary show” said no one ever.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Better than a new Dennis Miller show.

Horatio Cornblower

I would literally have to dig a trench to find that bar and then step over it.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m sure his agent has said that at least once.

litre_cola

Oh the Sasky broads like to chuff darts at the meat raffle at the Legion for sure. TAKE YOUR DAMN HAT OFF!!!!

Horatio Cornblower

I recognize those words as English, but what they mean when you string ’em together like that.

litre_cola

The Royal Canadian Legion is usually the cheapest beer in any town. Especially small towns in rural Canada where it could be the onky bar in town. On Fridays the places would be packed as it was a Meat Draw (raffle) for money being raised for the Vets. Back in the olden days the place would be a huge cloud of cigarette smoke as everyone was chuffing darts. Take your hat off as respect.

Horatio Cornblower

Nice.

For me the cheapest beer is probably the Ukie, (Ukranian), Club. Been a few years, but it as $1 for a Heineken back in the day.

Last edited 12 days ago by Horatio Cornblower
litre_cola

And these ladies for sure still frequent the Leej.

Viva La Tabula Raza

How Royal does Canada remain? Do they still print QEII’s profile on their stamps and currency?

Dunstan

It’s not a profile, but yes. Also have pictures of her in every small town hockey arena.

Horatio Cornblower
Brick Meathook
Viva La Tabula Raza

Down here in Texas, there’s a bastard language called Spanglish, a mix of English and Spanish. Is there a Canglish up north?

Brick Meathook

Texas is the Quebec of the United States

Dunstan

And yet, Alberta is the Texas of Canada.

Brick Meathook

Quebec is the Florida of Canada

Viva La Tabula Raza

Is that the one with the Athabasca Tar Sands? Because if so, it checks out.

Last edited 12 days ago by Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Poor fucking Quebec.

Dunstan

Meanwhile, Team BC beating Team Nfld 11-1. I haven’t seen a Newfoundlander get pounded like that since Shannon Tweed.

Brick Meathook

I haven’t seen Newfoundlanders get pounded like that since that baby seal hunt a few years back.

Dunstan

Newfoundland hasn’t gotten fucked like that since the feds mismanaged the cod fishery.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Newfoundland (and Canada) hasn’t gotten fucked like that since De Gaulle and the Free French seized St Pierre et Miquelon from Vichy France in ’41.

Brick Meathook

I haven’t seen Newfies get fucked like that since the U.S. military arrived in World War II.

Viva La Tabula Raza

At least the US paid for Goose Bay, which the RCAF still use.

SonOfSpam

DEUX.

Brick Meathook

Man was it beautiful this afternoon. I took this walking home just after getting a pedicure (with callus removal, sugar scrub, massage, and hot towels) and that’s like walking on air. Go get a pedicure.

comment image

SonOfSpam

I’m not saying pedicures are for women, but what time of the month will blood be pouring out of your unkempt vagina?

Brick Meathook

dude . . .

Last edited 12 days ago by Brick Meathook
Horatio Cornblower

UConn blew a 10 point lead to 7-10 Georgetown and left the court down 1 at the half, and with all 4 of their time-outs still in hand.

I am beginning to doubt that Hurley is the genius we’ve been told he is.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

You’ve never been to Hawaii?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

That sounded elitist. Let me rephrase. I had never been to Hawaii until we moved out here to LA. And then it was such an easy flight that we did it. I wanna go back post plague.

Brick Meathook

Hawaii is fun for about a week. I worked in Honolulu for five months, lived on Waikiki Beach, and was ready to murder everybody there by the time I left.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Two weeks right now sounds amazing

Viva La Tabula Raza

Jack Lord has you under surveillance.

SonOfSpam

DO IT.

But definitely go with someone you’re nailing.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Twice last year!
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BC Dick

She looks quite capable.

Dunstan

Quebec’s skip has stolen points two ends in a row, as well as my heart.

BC Dick

Women should really smile more like her. I keep telling em but it never seems to get through.

litre_cola

The Quebec skip is A-OK by me.

litre_cola

Video not available in my country. I haz sad.

Great recap Ballsy, really makes me miss the dumb escapism that show provides.

WCS

WVU wins again! Gimmie a Hell Yeah!
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Gumbygirl

Howboutthemeers!

rockingdog

thats ROCKING!

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Viva La Tabula Raza

That’s what they get for letting Clarkson, May, and Hammond program the rover’s drive path.(FF to about :15 if you are impatient.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvwKEfI1lFk

Last edited 12 days ago by Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

And the Navy says Hold My Beer!comment image

rockingdog

last funny:

Scraping all the pizza stuff off my bagel bites and just eating 11 very small bagels

Horatio Cornblower

I’m not sure that ‘The Book of Eli’ is a good movie, but every time I stumble on it I stop and watch it, so that’s gotta mean something.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I like to fantasize that the author of A Canticle for Liebowitz is getting paid for the rights to that story.

ArmedandHammered

Think old Fritz has been dead for awhile, Canticle was good but still prefer Ffahrd and the Gray Mouser more.

Last edited 12 days ago by ArmedandHammered
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’ve only read Canticle and I’m pretty jazzed about the idea that there’s something *even better* out there.

Viva La Tabula Raza

They released a sequel at some point and it was Meh.

rockingdog

Warriors vs Knicks is actually close

thats ROCKING!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It makes sense when you remember that The Warriors was set in a post-apocalyptic New York City.

Brick Meathook

That was Escape From New York (also Beneath the Planet of the Apes)

ArmedandHammered

Well that was NY in the 70’s so I can see confusing it with a post -apocalyptic hellscape.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

to some the passage of the civil rights act WAS the apocalypse ppl forget that

Viva La Tabula Raza

Come out to plaaay.
Clink clink clink.

Joliet Jake Delhomme

But the Scotties are on ESPN3 (The Tres!)

Joliet Jake Delhomme

Quebec City vs Saskatchewan

Joliet Jake Delhomme

Espn app.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[pours self a mojito to celebrate the one-week anniversary of Rush Limbaugh’s death]

[is informed that the one-week anniversary is actually tomorrow]

“Yes, but I’m starting the festivities early.”

scotchnaut

It’s the One Week Anniversary Eve-everyone knows that.

Gumbygirl

And Wednesday is Boxing Day! Let’s just have a month long festival to Rotting Rush.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Hey, what is the most appropriate glass for a mojito? Stemless wine glass? Tumbler? Pint glass?

Dunstan

I usually use a highball glass, but no idea what’s “official”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh! Good call, I have something that is close to that.

SonOfSpam

I thought it was a Collins glass, but then I pretty much just drink beer.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Sorry, I should have been more specific – Collins is the right answer, but I meant which of those three (I don’t have Collins glasses, but I have the others).

SonOfSpam

Then a pint glass because MOAR is always better.

Also, to honor Rush I’m gonna do something he never could: stay married to my first wife.

Horatio Cornblower

Earlier today I got an erection without chemical help, so take that Rush.

Viva La Tabula Raza

And then Joe Biden and his socialist minions stole that erection! STOP THE STIFFIE!

Last edited 12 days ago by Viva La Tabula Raza
Brick Meathook

I’m going to repost this because I think it’s Belushi’s greatest work:

https://vimeo.com/515964784/29ec9eb1a3