Cleveland’s Not Yet N Sync: Ain’t No Lie, Browns At Bye

Remember when everyone thought the Browns would be good this year? That was adorable. They are 2-4 at their bye, and Baker Mayfield kinda sucks, and David Njoku broke something, and Nick Chubb still has a name that makes me giggle. Their coach is this random DUI mugshot: Still kinda laughing about Chubb. Anyway, the

Jameis and the Giant Zilch: The 2019 Buccaneers at the Buccabye

So every team gets a bi bye, and the players rejoice (like they didn't joice enough the first time). This week, the Tampa Bay Buck-an-Ears get to play grabass off the field and not get CTE, which means I gotta fucking write about how they're doing I get to regale

Screw It, I’m Quittin – The 2019 Indianapolis Colts On Bye

In retrospect, it may not have been wise to make the 2019 Indianapolis Colts Preview post all about Andrew Luck. Just before the season started, Andrew's agent gave Jim Irsay the Sister Christian treatment; e.g., "You know that boy don't wanna play no more with you...it's true." MOTORIN WHAT'S YOUR PRICE FOR Sorry.

All Apologies to Lewis Carroll: The DFO Indianapolis Colts 2019 Preview

THE ANDREWLUCKY ’Twas brillig, and the boring Colts        Did gyre and gimble in the 'Nap:  All drunkish were the cheering dolts,        Gravy'd sacks of fatty crap. ω “Protect the AndrewLuck, my son!        The fragile arm, the aching back!  Beware the Watt and Clowney pair,        And hand it off to Mack!” ω  He took his ovoid ball in

Jameis Rides Again – The Tampa Bay Buccaneers DFO Preview

No one really cares about this team. The last time they were interesting, Mike Alstott was winning fans' hearts two yards at a time, and Jon Gruden was considered a quality football mind. With that in mind, this preview is gonna be a listicle. I'm lazy, you don't care, it's

Celebrity Super Bowl Picks: Tomi Lahren

Many news organizations and pop culture websites report Super Bowl picks from today's hottest celebrities. Here at DoorFliesOpen, we decided to request picks from horrible people instead. Hatemongering attention whore Timmi Latrine answered the call and submitted this poorly-worded screed for our amusement. This is entirely unedited and in her

2018 World Cup Team Preview – Poland

Poland enters the 2018 World Cup as a mystery wrapped in an enigma cloaked in bowling shirts. The Polandites qualified impressively, winning their group by 5 points over Denmark. However, their form since then has been spotty, and their recent World Cup history is as impressive as their screen-doored submarines

2018 World Cup Team Preview – Nigeria

A random phone rings in a famous building...   White House Operator: Uh, hello? Mysterious Sexy-Voiced Protagonist: Yes, hello...I'm calling from Door Flies Open and looking to get some information on a foreign country. With whom am I speaking? White House Operator: This is Ivanka. MSVP (who is now obviously DFO): Wow, didn't expect that. Why

DFO Cocktail Hour – Exit Incognito

As the days get longer and warmer, we here at DFO are sharing our favorite cocktails to help put that extra kick into your gatherings. Friends and family will salute your mixology acumen and your parties will be talked about for years to come. Just print out each recipe and

NFL Assistant Coaches: Pictorial Omnibus, Part Seven

In our continuing series portraying the vagaries of life as an NFL assistant coach, I am honored to present our latest installation of photographs that will hopefully open up a new perspective on this demanding and captivating profession.                           We sincerely hope you have enjoyed our presentation, and please look for our