The End: Your 2023 New England Patriots Bye Week Update

[INT. A dark, depressing living room. The curtains are drawn. TAWMMY FROM QUINZEE lies facedown, forlornly, on a couch. The overwhelming stench of Sam Adams, cigarette smoke, and despair lingers all around him. He moans, then, with his face muffled by a pillow, begins to sing.]  This is thah end, beautiful

No Exit: Your 2023 New England Patriots Season Preview

SCENE: A locker room in retro Foxboro Stadium style. A massive, oversized, but dinged up Lombardi Trophy stands alone in a dusty display case.   ROBERT KRAFT [enters, accompanied by the LOCKER ROOM ATTENDANT, and glances around him]: Hm! So here we are?  LOCKER ROOM ATTENDANT: Yes, Mr. Kraft.  KRAFT: And this is what

Comfortably Numb: Your 2022 New England Patriots Season Preview

[INT. A psychiatrist's office. It's dark, quiet, and soothing, in a sterile sort of way.] [Slow pan to DOCTOR SIGMUND FREUD, who perches in his armchair, quietly contemplating the next question he'll ask his patient.] FREUD: Pleeze, Herr Thomas. Kontinue. I beleef you ver zaying somezing about ... inner pain, ja? [TAWMMY reclines

The Maestro Goes To A Meeting (Your Tuesday Night Open Thread)

[EXT. A cold, barren Canadian wasteland.] [A man in a giant parka dismounts from the back of a polar bear. The bear is haggard, having trudged for days through the deep snow while carrying the man.] [The man gives the bear a gentle nuzzle on his snout]. MAN: Thanks, pal. You've earned yourself

Bye Week Update: New England Patriots

[INT. - Natick Mall Christmas display. Despite the ongoing COVID pandemic, we see lines of happy shoppers, as well as a gaggle of small children eagerly awaiting their chance to meet Santa Claus.] SULLY THE ELF: Listen up all youse kids! Santa's just runnin' a couple minutes behind sched but should

Return of the Prodigal Son: Your 2021 New England Patriots Preview

[EXT. CATHEDRAL OF THE HOLY CROSS, BOSTON.]  [Cut to INT. The archbishop, Sean Patrick Cardinal O’MALLEY, stands at the pulpit, calmly delivering Sunday Mass to a full crowd.] O’MALLEY: I wish to call upon one of our own flock to deliver the next reading for today’s Mass. [A loud belch echoes through the

Waiting For Football: Your 2020 New England Patriots Season Preview

A football stadium. A goalpost. Evening. (SULLY, sitting on a sideline, is trying to take off his shoe. He pulls at it with both hands, panting. He gives up, exhausted, rests, tries again. As before. Enter TAWMMY.) SULLY: (Giving up again) Nothin’ tah be done. TAWMMY: (Advancing with short, stiff strides, legs

Brady Bunch in the Bay – The Buccaneers 2020 DFO Preview

Our 2019 Tampa Bay preview focused on the team's nickname and the crab-filching faltching felching stealing quarterback. Well, seasons change, people change, but Tampa Bay's quarterback remains shady. Just in case you missed the news (and the accompanying screeching and wailing from the Greater Boston area), Tom Brady decided to

Walk Unafraid: 2020 Hate Week Super Bowl Narrative Roundup and Open Thread

We’re rounding into the final straightaway before The Pepsi Hard Rock Casino Super Bowl LIV Presented by Odor-Eaters.  It’s a tight one this year (somewhere Kobe Bryant just sat up and started paying attention) as the Chefs are a consensus 1.5 point favorite over Santa Clara.  This is one of two sub-2-point

Your “Feed Me (Richard) Seymour!” Tuesday Evening Open Thread

NFL Noise: It's mostly coaching news today: It was, according to PFT, "Love at first sight" between Jerry Jones & Mike McCarthy. BTW - worst Marvel pairing since Sue Storm & Matt Murdock. The Panthers are hiring Baylor's Matt Rhule as their new coach. It's a seven-year, $60 million deal, which

Deshaun of the Dead: Sunday Night Game Open Thread

So I've been on the road all day and have relatively little firsthand knowledge of what the shit went on this afternoon. A brief (aka halfass) recap after this important message: WOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Ok. I'm good. I'm cool. So the Bills (WOOOO!) handed the Iggles a golden opportunity to pull even