MEH!
The existence of the Houston Texans is an existential question. If a team can nearly makes the playoffs, yet no one is there to watch them or make any noise does the team truly exist?
I went to a Houston Texan’s game back in 2004. The Texans were hosting the Minnesota Vikings. This game went into overtime people! Randy Moss, Andre Johnson, and Marcus Robinson all had a two-touchdown game. The Vikings fans came dressed up in face paint and crazy horns with blonde wigs. While the Texans fans… We’ll the women all had fake blonde hair, and some people wore something that was red white and blue or a David “I don’t Like Sacks” Carr jersey. Oh, but you had to be there. Houston played in Reliant Stadium, in 2004 that stadium was the loudest stadium in the country! They prided themselves on causing other teams to blow through timeouts or get a delay of game penalty. The energy was well flat. I fell asleep in the stands before halftime because it was 14-0 Vikings, and you could hear a pin drop.
But Duchess Texas is a pretty big Football state I mean I hear all the time it is a religion. I find it hard to believe no one cares about the Texans.
Oh no, believe me, football is important to the state of Texas, but there are different types of football fans.
High School Football Fans – Towns shut down and the stadiums put most colleges to shame. If you remember the King of the Hill episode where they are at an away game in Belton. The stadium looks huge, and you may think “Oh the animators must be drawing this up for comedic effect” No, I played against Belton, and that was their stadium. They came out of an inflatable helmet at the end of a tunnel with a fog machine and everything. To put high school football in perspective. Imagine driving through your state and every high school you saw was filled with the equivalent of ‘Bama fan’s. That is Texas High School Football.
College Football Fans – In Texas you are either a Texas Longhorn or ATM Aggie. Some may say they like Baylor or TCU or Texas Tech, but they will tell you that while wearing their burnt orange or maroon shirt. How ridiculous did this rivalry get? Restaurants around both stadiums serve Longhorn beef burgers and steaks. One team markets it as a source of school pride while the other markets it as “HaHa I’m eating your mascot.”
NFL Football Fans – Once again there are two types of NFL fans. Those who cheer for the Dallas Cowboys, and those who do not like the Dallas Cowboys. That is it. The only people who go to a Houston Texans game are fans of the opposing team or people who want to watch a live NFL game but do not want watch the Dallas Cowboys. After Hurricane Katrina, the state was a buzz hoping the Saints would relocate to San Antonio because Texas would have another Not the Cowboys team to watch.
The Texans are so bland that people forget they went 9-7 last season and almost made the playoffs. If you were to ask people at a Houston Texans game to name last season’s starting quarterback, 95% would say Matt Schaub. In fact, I wager if you ask that same question this season, Matt Schaub would still be the number one answer you got. The Texans are so bland I have written the majority of this post about other teams and not once have you thought “Hurry up and get to the part where you talk about the Texans.”
Roster Outlook
Now they may have lost their best WR Andre Johnson and Arian Foster hurt his groin but, fear not, they did draft a Cornerback from Wake Forrest in the first round. Vince WIlfolk joins J.J. “Red State Gronk” Watt and Jared “I’m no J.J. Watt” Crick on the D-Line, add a healthy Clowney on the Outside with Brian Cushing and Benardrick McKinney on the inside and the Texans have put together a solid starting seven that could even make PFTCommentator proud.If the offense can resemble something competent and get the ball into DeAndre “I Fear God” Hopkins’ hands then they will have another quiet but quality year.
Prediction:
A slow start, but end on a high note. Another 9-7 season, but still no playoffs.
To sum up the Texans in a song check out this Dean Martin classic
All you need to know about the Texans is that they’re a FOOTBALL TEAM in TEXAS and still no one gives a shit. It’s like if you went to France and nobody was riding a bike in a black and white striped shirt with a baguette.
I bet you Old School Zero bought a black and white bicycling jersey. Gua-ran-teed.
I was lead to this website from another user and I have an unbelievable story to tell.
I’m a Texans fan.
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view2/3857071/they-do-exist-santa-o.gif
Yeah, I remember you from Ashley Madison where you were wondering if I was “up to chat?” I know that we talked about getting our user count up, but I’m disappointed that we’re resorting to bots.
/but seriously, welcome!
You never did answer me your a/s/l.
“The Texans are so bland I have written the majority of this post about other teams and not once have you thought “Hurry up and get to the part where you talk about the Texans.””
I laughed very hard at this, because it was true.
I had forgotten this was the Texans season preview until this line.
I still think the Texans need to sign Aqib Talib so they can have Watt, Son, and Crick.
People forget this, but The Texans ARE leading the league in being named after their representative state’s populace. You don’t see the Oregonians getting their own season of Hard Knocks, nor have I ever seen the fightin New Hampshirites win their division!
Duchess, I don’t know about your speculation that PFTCommenter would finally applaud the inclusion of Clowney in the accumulation of defensive talent for Houston. I seem to remember PFTC having more of the (and I quote), “Clowneys short career has allready had more Red Flags then Lovie Smiths highlight reel,” sort of sentiment. That said, great write up kid.
Crick, Cushing, and Watt are gritty enough to over compensate. Whitney Mercilus is actually a Haitian so you know he has some good work ethics. So 4 out of 7 players come to work with their lunch pails and frankly that’s better odds than most defenses.
So that Texans varsity jacket thing from a couple years back was not a cornball stunt, but an appeal to that high school football market.
/Sigh
All my epiphanies suck.
Sadly, this was a marketing point that hits the heart strings in Texas
Assuming they graduated from high school
At my school you had to varsity in a sport 2 times or varsity in 2 sports and the school would buy yours.
At my school you could get one for marching band.
Not from Texas.
/joins Horatio in locker.
The band got an extra special jacket just for them
STORNG TAEK ALRET:
The fact that Texas and A&M do not play is akin to treason. Fuck TWWL, fuck the ESS EEE SEEE PAWWL, fuck the coward athletic directors who can’t/won’t nut up and schedule each other, and QUADRUPLE MOTHERFUCK Steve Pedersen and Oliver Luck, former ADs of Pitt and WVU respectively, for burning so many bridges on the way out of both places, the sun will go supernova before WVU and Pitt play each other again… motherfuckingcockgobblingshitstainingpiecesofanalwartsuckers….
What were talking about again?
The cash grab by the Longhorns on the Longhorn Network boxed out Mizzi U. and Texas Ass To Mouth.
Then once A&M left they didn’t want to keep a non-conference possible trap game on Thanksgiving killing a pretty great rivalry tradition.
Seriously, who the hell designed the TAMU logo?
“Heh, heh, I’ll put the T in the middle so it looks like the acronym for ass-to-mouth! These inbred idiots won’t know what that is!”
I wasn’t even trying to make fun of TAMU just my warped mind instantly went there.
This is a true statement.
But Houston is the only city in Texas that has ALL of the higher arts! Not even that shitty city up North can say that!
You want high art go see Austin during Bob Marley Fest or Eeyore’s Birthday.
I would think that the highest art in Texas would be wherever Willie Nelson happens to be sitting.
The Texans? I thought they folded in 96?
Did that shitty CFL team become an NFL team? Is David “Sterling” Archer still the Quarterback?
I had a friend who did his grad school in Houston for a couple of years. In that time, he went to a few Cowboys game. Admittedly, he’s not the biggest fan of football, but, when I asked him why he didn’t go to a Texans game, he replied with “Houston has an NFL team?” Kinda makes me wonder who is doing the marketing over there.
Though to be fair, I spent about a minute trying to pick my brain as to who the QB is this season.
Case Keenum? Ryan Mallett? Honestly I have no clue.
Matt Cassel?
Great, now I have to go look it up.
Fooled you it IS Matt Schaub!
HINT: He’s on the list and it’s not JohnnyFuckin’Football.
It really is a testament to the meh-ness of the Houston Texans that I was not being facetious. When I saw it was Hoyer I knew that I’d *heard* that he’d gone there – I’ve probably even watched him play a few downs in preseason – but it really just didn’t register with me at all.
Ryan Mallett even forgot he was on the Texans in the middle of training camp and overslept.
http://nypost.com/2015/08/28/texans-mallett-oversleeps-after-losing-qb-competition/
He didn’t oversleep; he woke up on time and mistakenly thought that his entire career with the “Houston Texans” was all just a mildly unpleasant dream.
I honestly thought it was Mettenberger, or whatever that kid from the imaginary team in Tennessee is called.
Well shit, if you’re going to write about stuff that doesn’t exist, I got a Quidditch post ready.
THE PATRIOTS HAVE BEEN USING LOADED BLODGERS FOR YEARS AND GOODELL HAS BEEN COVERING IT UP!
No one denies this!
I’m a loaded blogger 4 nights out of 7.
Hey, if we include Quidditch at least someone in Texas is winning titles.
/UT has won the last three Quidditch World Cups
//Locker door flies open, Senor walks in, locker door flies closed
The sad/funny thing is that this is also a true statement.
The preview ruined the “jump gag”
“Jump? Gag? God, you sound just like my stupid lawyer.”
– Darren Sharper
“Jump? Gag? God, you sound just like my stupid coach.”
– Brian Cushing
“Jump? Gag? What did I do?”
– Trent Green
“Sounds like a great place to go out in the middle.”
-Joe Flacco
“I’d go there if it didn’t give me so many freckles”
–Andy Dalton–