So… it’s the first mailbag of the season. Just a small one to start off this round; I’m hoping more of y’all will learn to write in as the season progresses and everything starts to fall to shit as our starters gradually get hurt and our partners grow increasingly incensed at the number of curse words we drop every Thursday, Sunday, and Monday at the TV screen. At any rate, there’s more hope for most of you than there is for me at this point: Dez is already gone for anywhere between 4-12 weeks, depending on which doctors you prefer to take advice from, and I haven’t had time for a date since the end of July. There’s a lot of pent-up frustration already… and I will do my best not to take it out on you, dear readers and commenters. You probably don’t deserve it. For now.

And now, onto our first (actually, only) submission for the week:

Hello Fellow Football and Dickjoke Enthusiasts,

And salutations to you, brethren!

I would first like to say that I am so glad that this feature is back. The Mailbag brought me a lot of joy and good advice in the past. To commemorate the return of this feature, I would like to contribute my very first mailbag submission!

Fantasy:

Who should I start for next week?

Vincent Jackson @ Saints or 89 Bottom Line @ Bengals [ed. note: the Ravens actually play the Raiders this week]
Austin Seferian-Jenkins @ Saints or Jason Witten @ Eagles

Hmmm. On the one hand, the Saints’ D remains absolute fucking horseshit steaming garbage. (I’m using the scientific term here). On the other hand, the Raiders’ is somehow even worse. If Mike Evans returns to the lineup for the Bucs, he’ll likely get the most targets of all of Jameis’ wideouts. The Ravens prefer to spread the O around a bit more, so I’d lean towards Steve Smith on your first query. I started VJax in my WR2 spot in one of my leagues last week and was left disappointed by him. If he couldn’t be particularly productive against an exceedingly mediocre Titans team, then my hopes aren’t high for the rest of his season.

As for the second, I’d go Witten. He tends to play exceptionally well against the Eagles, and considering Philly is piss at defending both run and pass over the middle, he may not rack up yards, but he’ll probably have a whole bunch of targets, at least.

Sex:

I am dating someone who is great and great in bed for about 2 months, but for the first time in my entire life more than one person finds me attractive.

Well la-dee-fucking-dah for you, man.

I kid. That’s cool, I guess. Always nice to feel wanted, but it can also be a burden sometimes as well, especially if you’re in a serious, committed relationship.

What have you guys and gals found are good ways for me to not be a tremendous asshole and fuck this relationship up despite the incredible allure of easy and different strange?

OK. Well, several things:

– Is this new person more attractive to you than the current person you’re with?
– If so, are they attractive enough that you would consider leaving the current relationship you’re in just to pursue the poon?
– Thirdly, how devastated would you be if the current relationship you are in were to end? How committed would you say you are to this person, right now? Have you had “the talk” yet – are you canoodling with each other exclusively? What are the repercussions to both of you were this relationship ended (and if it were ended over another person)?

Don’t get me wrong – having easy strange available is an incredible feeling. I miss college for many reasons, but that is certainly one of the ones near the top for me. But really, you need to be honest with yourself – do you value sex with strangers more than you do the relationship you’re in right now?

If you decide you do, then you’re gonna need to have a long, awkward, and probably extremely shitty conversation with your partner. But it’s better than going behind their back; I just can’t bring myself to condone cheating. And yeah, your partner will be upset with you if you decide to end it, but I think they’d still greatly appreciate knowing that you were at least up-front about your intentions rather than dodging behind their back.

Thanks for your help and thanks for bringing this feature back.

No worries, man. To the rest of you – SEND ME MORE SHIT SO I HAVE STUFF TO WRITE ABOUT ON FRIDAYS. I KNOW Y’ALL HAVE QUESTIONS. YOU CAN’T HIDE FOREVER.

Wait, did I say that out loud?

Sincerely,

That Japanese Hippo

For all readers – if you have questions about fantasy football and/or your love life, please send all inquiries to [email protected]. The Mailbag will be published every Friday, pending enough submitted material (hint, hint…).