[Deep beneath 345 Park Avenue, carved from the bedrock a millennium ago, lurks a dark and sinister temple. Within its smoky, yellow fabric draped halls corrupted men of modern society gather to pay service to an ancient being of forfeiture and punishment. High Priest Blandino, a flag adorned skull atop his head, stands before his faithful flock.]

Brothers. Welcome. We stand today in the Holy Hall of Holding, the Temple of Too Many Men on the Field, in glorious triumph of our offerings to Beergh, God of Flags, Lord of Penalties. Hail Beergh!

HAIL BEERGH!

Beergh smiles at us from atop his Penalty Throne, crafted from the void of offensive yardage that never was, ripped from reality by the very fervency of our devotion and flag throwing. Brothers, Week 2 of the NFL season saw our Lord rain blessings upon football with 298 penalties, the most since the NFL merger. 2,659 yards! 1.51 miles of offerings to the Flag God! Flags for the Flag God!

FLAGS FOR THE FLAG GOD!

Play was halted an all time high of 43 times for replay stoppages. The flow of the game has never been altered so! We do Beergh a great honor. Brothers, Week 3 was not as blessed, but in our zeal we called upon Beergh’s name enough to amass 229 penalties for 1,968 yards. The tally of accepted fouls for the first thee weeks of the season total 730, an all time record!  The most since 2005 when our brethren offered 716 to the Penalty Throne. We can do even better, Brothers. We must rain down penalties upon this mortal world such that the very weight of their falling crushes reality and brings the physical from of Beergh into our presence! Penalties for the Penalty Throne!

PENALTIES FOR THE PENALTY THRONE!

It is with a heavy heart, Brothers, that I must acknowledge the failings of one of our number. Acolyte Hochuli, step forward.

[A robed figure shuffles forward, head down. The sleeves of the robe are nearly bursting with muscle honed from years of devoted flag throwing.]

Brother Hochuli, it has come to our attention that last week Cam Newton was hit late out of bounds and you failed in your sacred duty to bless his opponent with a penalty. Do not protest! I care not for your reasoning that he was a runner or perhaps too young to draw that flag. None are too young to feel Beergh’s favor! It is only due to your decades of zeal in His name that I will allow you to escape with a warning. Return to your chambers and meditate upon your failings.

We must all meditate upon our actions, Brothers. We must ensure Week 4 is sung of for years to come in Beergh’s Realm of Roughing the Passer. Now go forth! Shower your games with the hallowed yellow cloth!

FLAGS FOR THE FLAG GOD!

PENALTIES FOR THE PENALTY THRONE!