Well sir. This feels about right.

A nice mediocre .500 start and the Vikings appear to be gaining some traction. I refuse to acknowledge the opening late night game because it didn’t happen. I like to think that the Vikings all spent the night before partying West Coast style and the entire team overslept and they forfeited the game. That actually settles better with me. You know how that one time you woke up in the middle of the night and you started pissing bloody flames? Then you screamed and shouted “Holy shit! Holy shit I think I have dick cancer!” Then you went back to bed and hoped that it would go away? Then it didn’t come back and you were like “Oh thank you Mr. Jesus! I don’t have dick cancer”? Because if you think about it too much it will drive you insane but something happened that has unnerved you and if it ever does come back it may really be dick cancer. That’s how unsettling the San Francisco game was. No matter how well we play the dick cancer may return and that would suck so I choose not to think about it, or see a doctor because he would want to insert things in my peehole and that just won’t do!

/doesn’t have dick cancer

Games 2 and 3 against Detroit and San Diego respectively were a lot more fun to watch. Old Matty Stafford looked like a beetle stuck on a pin he got hit so many fucking times. If you watched this past Monday night game you may have noticed a bandage on Stafford’s left elbow that covers a bloody wound we gave to him two weeks ago. That is awesome. As far as Rivers goes, he is a tough old bastard. I was pretty sure he was going to miss this past weeks game while Adam Shefter would tweet out “Rivers SD out with scrambled giblets”. Both games were solid victories and brought the Vikings to a 2-1 record through 3 weeks.

Then last Sunday. Even though this was a Vikings loss it was a totally winnable game against a ferocious Denver defensive assault. Does your favorite team play Denver this year? If so, send your offensive linemen some crystal meth and send your starting QB a first aid kit and a can of raw ether. These motherfuckers bring the damn heat.

Injury update.

The Vikings are basically playing with an entirely new line from the center position to the right tackle position. Right tackle Phil Loadholt was injured early in the preseason and will be out for the year. T.J. Clemmings has done admirable work filling in, except against Von Miller so that can be forgiven. Mike Harris has done a good job as the new right guard and Joe Berger has been solid replacing Pro Bowl center John Sullivan (out 8 weeks after back surgery). Even with the new additions the running game hasn’t been an issue. Adrian Peterson leads the league in rushing with 372 rushing yards. As mentioned pass protection is a little spotty but Teddy has been fairly efficient so far and looked poised and in control during a comeback effort against Denver. Please Teddy, grow some larger hands for the love of God.

Nerdy Stat Stats: Courtesy of Football Outsiders.

The Vikings are currently ranked 13th overall on offense sitting at #19 passing and number 3 rushing. Which is easily explained when you see the highlights of Adrian Peterson. This is definitely a team that needs to be balanced between rushing and passing,

Defensively they are 20th overall, ranking #12 against the pass and #23 against the rush but fortunately they are currently ranked #2 in the all important “causing opponent quarterbacks to shit their pants” stat. Which may or may not be a real stat. My favorite element of watching them this year has been watching the pass rush and particularly the Double-A Gap blitz. Everson Griffen is a monster, Eric Kendricks is getting more and more snaps at LB each game and my new favorite Viking and San Pedro CA resident Anthony Barr is developing into a goddamn force of nature. In the defensive backfield Xavier Rhodes is becoming a true shut-down corner and Harrison Smith at safety is on his way to a Pro Bowl or maybe even an All-Pro roster.

So what the fuck happens next?

I’m glad you asked! After the bye week – fucking bye week after four goddamn games, shit! – the Vikings schedule lightens up a bit with upcoming games against KC, Det, Bears, Rams and Raiders before a cluster of ATL, Seahawks (better lube up the ole bunghole Russel Wilson) and then a trip to Arizona, which I may actually attend. The Vikings finish the season with games against Chicago, NYG and at Green Bay for the season finale. Thanks schedule makers! Assholes.

In summary I’m seeing 8 victories in the last 12 games which would give the Vikings a 10-6 record and a legitimate shot at the playoffs. The NFC looks to be wide open with only a few teams looking truly stout. Wild card here we come!

I have seen the State of the Vikings and the State of the Vikings is strong!

Then again I could just be an unapologetic, homer dipshit. Could go either way.

As long as that goddamn dick cancer doesn’t come back.

SKOL!