Football’s Rasputin: The Jeff Fisher Mystery

Jeff Fisher, with records of 7-8-1, 7-9, 6-10, and now 7-9 will apparently be back to coach the St. Louis/Los Angeles/San Antonio/London/Kalamazoo/Wall Walla/Cucoumonga Rams next season. To put this into perspective, only two (count them:2!) coaches in NFL history have ever coached a game in a fifth season after starting out with four consecutive losing seasons. Those storied names? Dave Shula, who, of course, steered the Bengals to 5-11, 3-13, 3-13 and 7-9 records before getting canned before week 8 of the next season after starting 1-6 was the most recent, fired in 1996 (you do the math, I have the flu). Lou Saban ran the Broncos into the ground with 3-11, 5-9, 5-8-1 and 5-8-1 records before he resigned at 2-6-1 in 1971. So, why, oh, why is Fisher getting a free pass? I mean, it’s not as if there is a verifiable track record of teams getting better in the fifth year of their coach’s tenure. Fisher hasn’t had a winning season since 2008 and hasn’t had even a .500 record since 2009. He’s not a mediocre coach, he’s a below average one. So, I posit another theory. Jeff Fisher is Rasputin, the “Mad Monk” of Russia.Fishputin

A little bit of history. I know that the readership here is, with the notable exceptions of Old School Zero and Rikki Tikki Deadly, very smart. However, some of you young scamps may not know who Grigori Rasputin was (is? He was a tricky bastard and may be a wizard) so I thought I’d give that background. Rasputin was a peasant and a “mystic” that charmed his way into the court of the last Tsar, Nicholas II. He was said to be able to heal the young Tsarevich (son of the Tsar) Alexei, who is believed to have suffered from hemophilia, solely through prayer. This, and his air of calm intelligence, gained him access to the inner circle of Russian nobility, and the enmity of the rest of the Russian ruling class. Rasputin was eventually killed in the Russian Revolution, but it allegedly took being poisoned, stabbed, shot and drowned to kill this motherfucker. These unkillable qualities, along with Rasputin’s apparent mesemeric (or bullshitting) abilities, lead me to believe that Jeff Fisher is, in fact, Grigori Rasputin. Look at the eyes! Imaging that pic of old ‘Sputin with some Oakley Blades on!

RasputinBlades

While this is no Law and Order or NCIS: New Orleans level investigation, I feel that the visual evidence presented, as well as the fact that Jeff Fisher is still employed despite all evidence that he should not be, proves my point, that cough syrup, when taken in the right doses, gives you weird ideas and green poops.

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Darkest Timeline Zack Morris
DTZM escaped his dark timeline through a wormhole created by Lord Screech, after he destroyed Bayside for never allowing him to mate with Lisa Turtle. Zach now lives a quiet life in St. Louis with his wife, Darkest Timeline Kelly Kapowski. They have no children, but do have the world's cutest dogs.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

This man won’t even fired a mediocre mustache.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Senor Weaselo

Why hasn’t anyone ever given out the Rasputin of the Year Award for people who just won’t die?

blaxabbath

Man, I got so high on Sunday that I got to the gym last night and it still took me 20 minutes on the treadmill to feel halfway in my mind. They really shouldn’t issue medical marijuana to people who haven’t even messed around with it recreationally. I mean, seriously, what other ‘medication’ does a doctor say, “Ok, you need pain killers. Here is a card that lets you get painkillers. Now then, go ahead and smoke/injest all the pain killers you want!”

Also, what other medication have I ever taken that’s called ‘Obama Wamma’?

Game was fun though.

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SonOfSpam

Wait wait wait…someone was on drugs??? AT ARIZONA STATE????

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Green poops and undigested corn kernels are God’s way of reminding you that everything you eat matters.

SonOfSpam

Wait…does that mean Georgia Frontiere was actually Anastasia, or just a husband-killing whore?

laserguru

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Cold medicine takes on a life of it’s own.
Sometimes it’s almost (almost) worth the cold.

laserguru

I’m sure Hippo or WCS could offer additional pharmaceutical advice that could push this to a whole ‘nother reality.
“This place is getting to me. I think I’m getting. ..
The Fear!”

SonOfSpam

Really no better way to experience work. Or as I like to call it, “work.”

Wait, is DTZM Jarmarcus Russel?!

Don T

Yep, yep. Bud Adams fired him, is now dead. Received zero flak for Keenum concussion. And has been described, in Competition Committee meetings, as “the unholy spawn of a Scanner and Lucy (2014)”.

jjfozz

Rasputin also had, by all reports, a big schlong.

I don’t see Jeff Fiscer having this problem.

/nohomo

jjfozz

“Every time I put my line in the water I said a Hail Mary, and every time I said a Hail Mary I caught a fish.”

My advice, don’t never go on no fishing trip with Fredo, cause you might not come back.

Senor Weaselo

“Not like everybody says, like dumb.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

HEY! I’m as smrt as anyone else here!

/sets GED certificate on fire, burns down house.

Old School Zero

Aw, damnit, you mind tricked us!

HEY! YOU’RE RASPUTIN!

LET’S KILL HIM! A LOT!

ballsofsteelandfury

Hey, I did both!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Both images in this post are priceless.

ballsofsteelandfury

Green poop> peanutty poop

jjfozz

Sunday night I made spinach with garlic and onions, served with fresh bread.

This morning, it looked like Marvin the Martian had used the Fozz throne for his daily download.