FINALLY, someone is asking for my opinion. For too long I have lived in the shadow of that blowhard Megatron. The Autobots would have lost eons ago if I’d been calling the shots. I hope you’ve got receptacles hot enough for this energon, because this guy’s got things to say.

Why, yes – I may have been drinking. So what? I bet your boss is no prize. I’ll get to your precious football game in a minute. First things first – time to drop some knowledge on you pathetic humans.

I just don’t get how life works. Megatron is the “leader” of the Decepticons, but everything about him screams bit-player. I mean, he’s a gun; well, actually, he’s a dick, but work with me here. He transforms into…another gun. What. The. Fuck? I turn into an F-15; I’m a cool fucking plane. Megatron just turns into a smaller version of himself. Yet he has all the power, and I’m treated like shit. Like I said, he’s a dick.

It reminds me of my good friend Josh McDaniels. We both work for a petty dictator with a gravelly voice, who’d be nowhere without our tactical muscle driving everything. But we never get a real chance to succeed on our own – whatever chance we get is always undermined by disloyal troops and an inquisitive media. At least I invented the Combaticons; all McDaniels ever did was draft Tebow.

Speaking of Megatron, I hear his human pretender, Calvin Johnson, is going to retire from the Lions. Good! I would have figured out which bench Jim Caldwell was disguised as and put myself into the game to stop Smokescreen Aaron Rodgers hitting that Hail Mary. Now Detroit’s version of me – Matt Stafford – will finally get his chance to shine. I predict big things for that kid now that he doesn’t have the distraction of having to throw to a me-first glory-boy like CJ-81. You know it’s time to hang ’em up when the first google link to your logo comes from NFLMemes – those guys make Michael Bay look original.

HAWT TAEK TIME: Detroit doesn’t deserve nice things. Yeah, I said it. The only being who holds grudges longer than Galvatron is Bobby Layne. There’s a reason Autobots are modelled after Japanese cars; the only American thing about them is their poor reliability. Besides, the Red Wings logo is proof of Detroit’s Autobot leanings. The state is so corrupt the Governor won’t resign, despite his appointing the guy whose decision-making caused the lead-poisoning in Flint. That’s a Shockwave level of evil, considering the people of Flint are practically metal enough to become Soundwave’s new cassettes.

Before I make my prediction, I’d like to take a minute to talk about a rare circumstance, a former second-in-command who managed to rise into a leadership position – Roger Goodell. Before becoming Commissioner, Goodell was the League’s chief shitweasel (I believe that’s the correct term) on collective bargaining, to the point where he still tries to make sure that final authority rests with him. I’m in charge of Thundercracker and Skywarp, who are nothing but shitweasels – always selling me out to Megatron. I’m beginning to wonder who’s taken more headshots – them, or Romo.

Anyway, when Paul Tagliabue stepped down, Goodell managed to undercut a superior candidate in Gregg Levy, albeit one with the personality of Laserbeak. Since becoming the boss, he has eliminated all his enemies, managed to surround himself with mindless sycophants, and takes great pleasure in handing out arbitrary punishments to try and keep underlings in line. He’s truly a man after my own matrix.

Okay, now that that’s out of the way, time for some game analysis.

If you ask me, neither of these teams should be playing in the Super Bowl. The Broncos are led by a broken-down, obsolete piece of machinery whose last good battle was fought before the turn of the decade. OMAHA! The Cybertron code of combat requires each warrior to fight as he is, without additional reinforcement; there’s no way Kubiak has that arm back to even 50%. Peyton Manning is not a leader, he is a faulty rebuild of something he used to be. He’s three Constructicons short of another MVP trophy, let alone being Devastator. A drunken Shia Laboeuf has more scrambling ability, although Peyton probably does remember where Bumblebee is. His intransigence is holding back the rightful heir, Brock Ostweiler, and keeping the team from even greater victories. I feel for the kid, being prevented from your destiny by a megalomaniacal robot who doesn’t realize his time has passed. At least Megatron doesn’t shill pizza.

The Panthers have a leader, but that leader is more concerned with his own glory than trying to share the glory with the rest of the team. Cam Newton does not have the team’s best interests at heart, and his attempt to curry favour by appeasing adults through gifting their children is shameless cowardice. Typical passive-aggressive Autobot behavior – built like Grimlock; acts like Beachcomber. Nice is vice! Peter King would agree – he’s nowhere close to being a Prime. A real leader destroys those who will not yield. Weakness works against you on the field of battle. If Tom Brady doesn’t like a receiver – BOOM, replaced by another, smaller Insecticon wide-out. The way he’s gone from Welker & Woodhead to Amendola & Edelman is seamless; next year, he’ll probably be throwing to Verne Troyer by Week 12.

By the way, screw San Francisco! They deserve a shit game; Jed York never should have gotten rid of Jim Tomsula. (The man is a human version of Hoist; so many life hacks.) I’ve seen more staff loyalty among the Decepticons, and I’ve tried to kill Megatron about a dozen times. The whole organization seems like it’s being run by the Dinobots. The game they deserve should be the one Bane gave Gotham.

Still, I suppose I have to go for Peyton Manning and The Broncos, 16-10, in a real throwback to the unwatchable games of the 1970s. Denver’s defense plays like Predacons – good on their own; unstoppable as a whole unit. Victory is made of the ashes of one’s enemies! Plus, one should support his fellow robot. If Manning wins, hopefully he then gets decommissioned and his matrix can join the Wall of All Sparks, better known on this planet as John Elway’s teeth. Go out on a high, old man, and then Denver can truly get OstWILD about their future!

I’ve never been wrong before!