“What draws my admiration? What is that which gives me joy? Baseball!”

Just like that the offseason hits. It’s a long motherfucker too. The draft is 76 days away, training camp is half a fucking year away. This is what you sign up for when you become a fan of the NFL. The longest offseason in all of sports.

You need a diversion, something to keep you occupied, something to take your attention away from the depths of Hell that is waiting for the next season to start.

I’m a baseball fan and I’m proud to say so.

I’m actually an equal opportunity fan of the 4 major sports, I also watch golf and my dirty little secret? I watch bowling. Yes, bowling.

Growing up I always played baseball. Organized ball from T-ball to the Pony leagues and during the summer time we had a big ass expanse of nothingness behind our house and we would play baseball with the other kids in the neighborhood from just after breakfast until nightfall when the siren song of every neighbor kids’ parents calling them in for dinner called a stop to the action. Unless, that is, somebody fouled a ball straight back and broke the window in our kitchen or back door first. Goddamn we broke a lot of windows.

I will be honest with you and tell you true I switched favorite teams growing up. Unlike the Vikings who grabbed my attention and never let me go, baseball was different. I started out as a fan of the Oakland A’s because I loved their very counter-culture-ness. They were unlike any other team at the time, the game was a lot more straitlaced back then and the A’s were the first team to wear vibrant colors and the funky moustaches, not to mention they were bad motherfuckers.

swingin As

Oakland won 3 consecutive World Series titles from 1972 though 1974 followed by their idiot owner Charlie Finley selling off pretty much the entire team for a profit. I switched allegiance for a couple of years to the California Angels since they acquired the most former members of the A’s and they were geographically the closest team to me. I also had a soft sport for the “We Are Family” era of the Pittsburgh Pirates because I loved Willie Stargell and the rest of the crew.

At the end of the 70’s my family moved from California to Moline Illinois or the Quad Cities as the locals say. Just a couple of months later I took my first trip to Wrigley Field and that was fucking that. This was back before they installed the lights and the Cubbies were playing a double header against the hated St. Louis Cardinals. A real double header not a day/night or a rain made up type this was a scheduled double header and boys and girls let me tell you I was hooked through the bag like a junkie on smack. I had no idea there were so many shades of green and I had never tasted the wonderful combination of a grilled hot dog and a cup of Old Style brew. I was only 17 but I had a rocking porn stache and a fake ID so I was good to go. The lack of advertising, the sound of Nancy playing the organ, the only other outside noise was the stadium announcer when a batter came to the plate. Absolutely. Fucking. Glorious.

I’ve lived through the 1984 NLCS against the idiot fucking Padres and Steve Fucking Garvey. I lived though the Bartman Game and I’ve experienced more rebuilds than I care to describe. This is not an easy organization to root for. At all. I’ve mentioned in the past the challenges of being a Cubs and a Vikings fan and believe me, those challenges are very real.

Although.

Much like my beloved Vikings the Cubs are starting to look like a serious contender for contention. Not just for this year but for a long time. The core of the position players are 25 and under and all of them are upstanding, talented and very likable dudes. Anthony Rizzo, Kris Bryant, Kyle Schwarber, Addison Russell (A kid named Addison was born to be on the Cubs, now if we could find a second baseman named “Clark” we could have a double play combination for the ages), Jorge Soler, reigning Cy Young Award winner Jake Arrieta are locked in for several years and will be the core of the team for the future. Also in the offseason we added Jason Heyward and John Lackey – I call this addition as well as addition by subtraction since we stole them from the Cardinals – plus we added super utility man Ben Zobrist. Javy Baez is starting to show a little promise that he won’t strike out 92 out of 100 times while homering the other 8 at bats.

The Cubs are built to contend this year! And the next several.

Chicago Cubs' Kris Bryant celebrates his walk off home run during the ninth inning of a baseball game against the Cleveland Indians on Monday, Aug. 24, 2015, in Chicago. The Cubs beat the Indians 2-1. (AP Photo/Matt Marton)
(AP Photo/Matt Marton)

This is my long winded way of saying the pitchers and catchers for the Cubs report one week from tomorrow and 4 days later the position players report.

If you have a baseball memory to share or want to rant about your team please do so in the comments. Yes, King Hippo and Father DTZM I expect a full on “Fuck Off” from you Cardinals fans and I don’t care.

Play Fucking Ball!

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yeah right is a lifelong Vikings fan. He is into self denial and still harbors hope. Loves to cook, read and drink. But he doesn't plate.
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sunrisesunrise

I am a Padres fan. Hope always ends by mid to late April. The two World Series appearances were against arguably two of the best teams ever. In 1998, my friends and I went to Jack Murphy Stadium after the Padres beat the Braves and joined in with a few hundred fans to celebrate. People actually brought champagne and I got a Beat New York chant started. Obviously that do not happen.

As cool as Petco is from an aesthetic standpoint, I miss going to games at The Murph. My grandfather had a few connections and got to sit row 1 above the Padres dugout where Wally Whitehurst hit on my mom. Good times. Also, got to see the 92 All Star Game there with my grandfather. Hoping to go to this years at Petco.

ballsofsteelandfury

I played based ball all the way up to Pony League. I would have played in high school, but I got into a huge slump at tryouts time, couldn’t hit the side of a barn (even though I was normally a pretty good hitter and great baserunner), and so I was cut. That experience soured me on the sport.

Still, my biggest memory is being allowed to pitch in a Pony League game (I was normally a 1st baseman or outfielder) and promptly beaning the only girl in the league.

In the tit.

Don T

I hope she was a lefty.

ballsofsteelandfury

Lefty was the one that got hit.

SonOfSpam

Random baseball thoughts:

1) I am an Angels fan and was at Game 7 when we (yeah, “we” so what) beat the Giants in 2002 to end the team’s only World Series appearance. Garrett Anderson rulez.

b) A couple years ago, a good friend rented out the Pool Suite at Chase Field (D’backs for those of you non-baseball folks) and I was able to experience that madness. Good time was had by all, especially when he announced that Eddie Munster was along for the trip to play Marco Polo in the pool with us. I think there are YouTube videos.

Next) Baseball is a wonderful sport to attend in person, and I swear I get just a bit misty every time I walk into the ballpark and see the perfect grass and early-evening sky and smell the hot dogs and sip my overpriced draft beer and think just for a minute, yeah, this is heaven.

ballsofsteelandfury

Add a beach ball, hot girls in skimpy outfits, and delicious snacks and it’s basically perfection.

Cuntler
SonOfSpam

My late uncle was a great (non-pro) bowler, and once he proudly gave me an autographed picture of Earl Anthony. To answer your next question, yes, it’s a total pussy magnet.

Doktor Zymm

I live a few blocks from Wrigley. I don’t really give a shit about baseball, if I was anything, I guess it would be an Orioles fan? I sang the National Anthem at Camden Yards when I was in elementary school, and this is my fallback whenever I have to talk baseball.

I did interview with the Cubs for an analytics position, and I did a bunch of research at the time that convinced me that a) sabermetrics is pretty cool, and b) most baseball people know shit about stats. It was actually a pretty interesting interview. I’m not a baseball fanatic, so I wasn’t really suited to the culture, etc, but it did convince me that the Cubs have their shit together, and thus I was less surprised than many at last year.

JerBear50

A life of Cub fandom has taught me to never get my hopes up for anything, and I’m trying desperately to keep that in mind as we approach the season. Part of me is really excited; the other part is already starting to cup myself protectively in anticipation of the inevitable nut-punch. The one thing that makes me think it might be different this time is Maddon. I watched him down here in Tampa for years and he’s the real deal. That man knows how to build a team and how to get the best from them, and he doesn’t give two shits about the idiots that bitch about his lineup tinkering and SABRE use.

I get down to a Rays game here and there but what I really like is going to minor-league games in Clearwater. They’ve got a beautiful ballpark, it costs next to nothing if you go on promo nights, and it’s just a really nice, enjoyable evening.

Don T

My basic cable package had WGN and TBS. So I watched a shitload of Cubs and Braves games. Harry Caray going RYNE SANDBERG TURNED THAT DOUBLE PLAY HOLY COW and son Skip strikeout. ballgame. padres take this one.

Senor Weaselo

Horatio and I will be spending the summer pinpointing the day when the entire Yankees’ lineup breaks down and 3 runs per game will be a good day like it did the last week of last year. I’ll say… August 28th.

Horatio Cornblower

Temple and UCONN are putting on a great display of how not to play basketball. More bricks than in, uh, um, some famous building made entirely of bricks I guess.

Horatio Cornblower

The Cubs should move Schwarber to an AL team that needs a DH and get some good young pitcher(s) back. They could use more pitching depth and while Schwarber can hit the shit out of the ball he looks lost in the field.

entropy

Reminds me of the Douglas Adams Dirk Gently “The kid was deliberately and maliciously watching TV at him.”

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

I don’t really understand rooting for the Cubs to win. It’s like rooting against a natural force.

“Yeah, but wouldn’t it be cool if gravity, like, reversed itself?!?!”

Sure, for about three and a half milliseconds. Then everything would fly the fuck apart and you wouldn’t be able to eat pancakes because the very concept of “pancake” would cease to have any rational meaning.

Is that what you want? You want death and no pancakes?
Fucking Cubs fans…

indieguy

I vote for “Is that what you want? You want death and no pancakes?
Fucking Cubs fans… ” as the header comment for the week

Horatio Cornblower

Yeah, that’s a definite early leader.

Enrico Pallazzo

You watch bowling? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? I AM!!!

*used to watch the PBA every Sunday in college…excellent hangover watch
**even went to the World Championships in Ypsilanti, MI one year
***got Walter Ray Williams, Jr autograph on my ticket stub at said event
****I am obviously ELITE

entropy

So, did he have to pay YOU for that autograph, or what? How does that work, autographs in bowling?

(Kidding. I love to go bowling. I just can’t stand watching it on TV)

Also: Darts, man. Motherfucking pro darts. That shit is just fun as hell to watch.

Enrico Pallazzo

Thanks for asking! We had first row GA seats and he was just kind of standing there so I was like, fuck it, when can you get an autograph of the best bowler AND best horseshoe pitcher on the planet? Great decision IMO.

Sill Bimmons

I am the world’s worst bowler.

I’ve broken 100 once in my entire life.

WCS

I absolutely need to get back on the lanes. I’m a career ~170 average over a decade or so. It’s honestly one of the very few “athletic” endovers I’ve been competent at. Haven’t played since Roanoke back in 2010. That is a crime, and is bad, and I should feel bad.

entropy

I haven’t bowled in a very long time. I am probably around your level, but I’m not a finesse bowler, I just pick up a 16 lb ball and whip the thing down the lane. It works out pretty well for a while.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

DFO has helped m come to hate St. Luuuuy Card fans too, just another bonus of this site.

http://36.media.tumblr.com/dd9584da01fe4447e67cdd8bd1fa248e/tumblr_mhvzvnnfKP1qepr1ao1_1280.jpg

entropy

True. The hate generated here could probably power a small town for a week or two, depending on the teams playing and the outcome of the game.

Or if PK says something truly stupid.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

MAYBE

Beerguyrob

At least power Wichita.

Cuntler

I grew up on the South Side, so most of my friends were White Sox fans, as is my older brother. However, my Dad was a Detroit native and Tigers fan, so that stuck for some reason (the Lions did not, thank God). I always laugh at Cubs fans from ’84 because, had they won, no one was beating that ’84 Tigers team, who are still my favorite baseball team. Their best players had the greatest collection of 70s sounding names: Lou, Darrell, Rod, Lance, Willie, Jack, Kirk, Chet Lemon, and the immortal Rusty Kuntz. They even had a utility infielder named Barbaro. My Dad used to take me to Tiger Stadium once a year, and we would always watch games in Comiskey when they rolled through town. 84 was fun because the Sox had won the pennant the year before, and Detroit just killed them all year.

I never was huge Cubs fan, and I don’t mind if they do well, but FUCK the Cardinals now and forever. Their racist, holier-that-thou fans are the worst (especially Monty). The Tigers should have won the Series in 2006, but that slapdick 80 win Cardinals team took 14 weeks to wrap up the NL pennant and the Tigers were as rusty as Mr. Kuntz. David “Danny Woodhead of baseball” Eckstein was the World Series MVP, for Chrissakes, but I digress. Good luck to your Cubs this year, although I am not sure if anything would be worse than a Cubs v. Red Sox World Series from a fan standpoint.

WCS

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
entropy

I made the mistake of visiting a friend in St Louis one of the years they knocked the Mets out of the playoffs and won the WS. I was not a very happy entropy. Fuck the Cardinals.

King Hippo

well, actually…

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Let their hate nourish you…

King Hippo

I’m going to have to be creative with the shit talk through this horrific 85-77 phase.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

comment image

–Padres fans

Sill Bimmons

I never knew either of my grandfathers.

I feel that my life must be the poorer for it.

theeWeeBabySeamus

One of mine is still alive.
You may borrow him anytime.
Don’t take him anywhere where black folks hang out. You may not get out alive.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I learned 2 Thanksgivings ago that my only remaining Grandfather doesn’t mind casually dropping the N-word…

I can’t wait to introduce him to Lady Commander!

King Hippo

My kids’ generation will the first not to share the universal experience of the racist grandpa. The rest of all had (at least) one.

theeWeeBabySeamus

At least, being the key phrase.
At least my other grandfather was more mellow about it.

entropy

My paternal GF was a mean old drunk who passed on the ability to drink himself sober. Thanks, Bill! He was a rotten man who treated everyone around him like shit and I felt sorry only for my father when he passed.

My maternal GF treated my mom fairly badly, and yet when he passed, she asked that I drive her to his funeral in Upper Nowhere, MN. So me and my little brother loaded up my truck and drove mom out. When we got there, we found out that he had spent his entire retirement helping everyone around town, and was genuinely beloved by the population. His funeral lasted HOURS, and the mayor and other town luminaries made it a point to pass on condolences. My grandmother said he did a lot of that to try and assuage the guilt of how he treated my mom.

Bottom line, I barely knew either of them, but I sure as shit learned a lot from them without their help.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

As a fan of the team that is the baseball equivalent of the Detroit Lions, I have a very love/hate relationship with baseball. While I will typically attend upwards of 10 Padres games, and closely follow at least 85% of their games during the season, I can’t stand watching two other teams play this game (playoffs and live games excluded). Maybe I’m jealous of all the other teams and their winning, maybe there’s seemingly a billion games played each year, or just maybe there’s nothing else on, All I know is that I hate the Giants more than any other team in professional sports, and that soccer is the most pointless and boring thing I’ve ever seen.

/Sorry not sorry about Garvey
//WOOOOOO ’84!
///Wasn’t actually alive then

http://s16.postimg.org/mr6cpvvdx/6a00d83451fe4669e201348643a9ee970c_pi.gif

entropy

I really cant get into soccer until the world cup, and even then, I
need a lot of alcohol to start caring.

As for the Giants, the year they knocked Philly out of the playoffs I decided I didn’t hate them completely, and changed my mind the following year.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
entropy

The standard Carl’s Jr patron looks like about six of those mashed together and run over a cheese grater.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Yeah, that’s where I went off track.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

She’s a corporate hack…….. or….

entropy

Corporate hack or no, she sells the hell out of that burger.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The combo meal; SOLD!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I do enjoy either or both the Yankees or Redsawks losing, that’s fun.

theeWeeBabySeamus

See…now THAT is why I love me some Moose.

blaxabbath

Didn’t really care much for baseball but enjoyed the Dbacks beating NYY right after 9/11. Then, when I was going to college in Tucson, the AAA affiliate was there (Tucson has since lost them, all their Spring Training teams, and is still a shithole town) and they were fun to follow to the bigs — including Justin Upton, Chris Young, Carlos Quentin, Stephen Drew, and a host of other underachievers then-dubbed the ‘Babybacks’.

I can’t follow bad baseball. I hate to be a bandwaggoner but the season is too fucking long to be 0-2 on opening day because you already lost two games in Australia while everyone else was wrapping up Spring Training. LaRussa seems to be doing good things now though so, you know, that’s nice. Love taking the light rail to games but, as with all pro sports, a decent outting to a live game is just too fucking expensive.

I do enjoy live hockey games though. I need to get down to see the Ice Cards in action this season.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I used to catch some of the ‘Yotes in the old America West Arena downtown (US Airways now still I think?) where on one end in the upper deck you couldn’t see the goal.
Ah, good memories.
Only ever went to the new arena once. Too damn long of a drive.

litre_cola

I am going Monday to Ice Cards and Ice Alouettes!

Sill Bimmons

I would gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.

ArmedandHammered

I actually am looking forward to the MLB season, I never cared for baseball growing up, because in the mountains of NC growing up it was football or hunting. So I have come into watching and enjoying the game late in life thanks to my wife and her unfortunately now deceased father. He was a real sports writer, not a PK type shill, for the Chicago Tribune for 35 years and his stories of covering spring training, the games, traveling with the team, and the personalities of the players added a context to the game, that stopped me from being bored by the game. Plus the pure enjoyment he could even derive from attending a Mudcats game (we got to meet Sgt Slaughter at a promo event!) was something to see. We knew he was not long for the world when he couldn’t muster up any interest in the Cubs post season last year and this is a man who waited almost all of his 84 years for a Cubs WS win. I’ve actually wondered a bit if he passed before their exit from the postseason just to keep from being disappointed yet again.

So the wife is a Cubs fan due to the paternal influence, but so far I have resisted, I think she is going to try and get me to a game at Wrigley this year when we head to Chicago later this year to try and finally convert me. So the NFL off season is not as bleak as it used to be for me.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Joe Maddon is really a woman.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Joe Maddon bought my uncle a beer in Tampa once. Now his story makes a lot more sense.

King Hippo

Baseball is the only sport I’ve ever COACHED at a meaningful level – my younger brother was really good, and I coached his youth league teams through Babe Ruth (like age 14, when he quit because he got bored and started fucking around with golf, which he was also naturally good at).

I am a “reflex” athlete, which means I’m pretty good at tennis and I was a super good defensive 2B…but me no hit teh little white pill when the curveballs started being legal.

But I throw the perfect “batting practice” fastball and I was a damned good 3B coach, if I do say so myself.

And it’s up to the Dirt Stillers to take down the cocky-assed Small Bears this season, Most Glorious Baseball Cardinals are rebuilding (as they should be). RAISE THE JOLLY ROGER FOR THE GOOD OF HUMANITY!!

entropy

I love baseball, and have an unapologetic love for the Mets. Most of my fun baseball memories involve going to Mets/Phillies games, getting drunk and rowdy and generally scaring the hell out of my friends.

I had a lot of fun this past season as a Mets fan, which has been the best in 15 years. I’m in the odd new position of being excited for a new season of baseball. I don’t know how to act.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Catherine Zeta Jones just because

http://i.imgur.com/scr3Wy3.gif

Sill Bimmons

I sucked at baseball big time so I didn’t like it very much until I was a lot older.

WCS

From a Pirates fan: eat shit.

Sill Bimmons

Cuntler

I feel bad for you guys. The lasting image that America has for the Pirates is Rico Suave beating up a Gatorade cooler. http://yahoosports.tumblr.com/post/130723782703/what-did-that-gatorade-cooler-do-to-sean

theeWeeBabySeamus

No…YOU eat shit.
-Baltimore

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Thanks for recommending the usual Pirates fan cuisine, but it does not suit my palette.

http://45.media.tumblr.com/ca57720a0bd4d3f3638b5962e7ce4f27/tumblr_o23xbjLt8R1s4pgcmo1_500.gif

Cuntler

No thanks. I don’t really like perogis.

Sill Bimmons

Would it be pedantic to point out that Moose used the wrong form of “palate” and Cuntler misspelled pierogies?

Cuntler

It wouldn’t be the internet if you didn’t. Although I don’t know where Moose keeps his food.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I shoulda let it spell suite.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No, you are correct sure.

http://img.falkenhahn.eu/presse/pressematerial/falkenhahn-world-palette-perspektive-21×11-cmyk.jpg

I would blame it on spell check, but I did not catch it. However I do like the idea of so much shit on a palate.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Picture of cleft.

litre_cola

I too have a love for baseball. I just keep it to my damn self around these parts.

When I was 8 I was flying from Florida back to Canadia via the twin cities and the Detroit Tigers were on the plane. Apparently I sat on Sparky Anderson’s knee the whole flight back and I still have a sheet of paper with all of their signatures, I even misspelled Tigres.

JerBear50

Don’t worry. Your spelling is still closer than anyone from Detroit is likely to come.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The games are fun at Coors Field (not really for the baseball), team sucks and management doesn’t give a shit; bottom line is the priority. I’ll watch a playoff game occasionally but other than than.

Best baseball memory: sitting along the third baseline with a friend chanting “BALCO, BALCO, BALCO…”
and getting the huge dirty look from Bonds….. great times.

http://49.media.tumblr.com/3c6f24123c87be78f44e1745b927e781/tumblr_o28ulvHPkw1tvm489o1_400.gif

blaxabbath

I didn’t know we were doing Amy Schumer gifs.

JustStopDude

I too have a dark first love with Baseball. I grew up kind of hating pro-football just because of the pain and anguish the Colts leaving seemed to cause all the adults in my life. I am a life long Orioles fan. I’ve seen everything from them playing in the American League Championship (which I honestly never thought I would see with Angelos still alive) to both games of a double header against the Rangers in which the O’s lost 30-3 and then 9-7. Like a true baseball idiot, I was more pissed about the 9-7 loss because with the win, the O’s would have tied the four game series and they had the fucking lead 3 times in the game (their bullpen was a fucking dumpster fire that year).

I grew up playing baseball (along with ballet and wrestling). Despite my fucked up back and my terrible limp, I was good at it. Not at hitting, but I was a real good catcher. My claim to fame was once breaking the rib of a relief pitcher who did not get down fast enough for my pick off attempt.

I only ever played one game in front of my father. He never watched another one because we had terrible team parents. Cussing and all that shit. Hell, my sophomore year of high school, we only lost three games, all of which were forfeit because our star pitcher’s dad was fucking insane and a drunk to boot. He was a cop so he never got arrested despite his insane behavior.

I had to stop playing because I kept dislocating my shoulder. When the docs found out I never took a physical and I had spina bifida, I was kicked off both the wrestling team and the baseball team. That was honestly tough. It kind of started the drug abuse for me.

Dear god though I love baseball. I get that for many people its boring. I think most of the people that play it are assholes. But I loved playing it.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I feel your pain.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I hate your love of baseball because I blew my right shoulder out for good playing Little League baseball. I am on board for the Cubs and Wrigley. I fucking loved going there as a kid

/I can throw really good passes or pitches like 5 times now, then it hurts for days