Mother pus bucket…this is what I have to deal with? Jesus, the phrase is “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” You’re handing me two raisins and expecting me to make wine. Two little wizened raisins, like Favre-testicle raisins. No one wants BrittFar Testicle Wine. No one’s going to read this anyway- goddamn college basketball….

And we’re back! Welcome to this week’s exciting edition of CrimeBeat!, the show with more shirtless wife-beaters than any three seasons of COPS. We’re actually fairly lucky on the domestic-violence front, as for the second week in a row we have no mainstream news of pro football players knocking the shit out of children or romantic partners. Washington did re-sign noted Indiana Jones cosplay-enthusiast Junior Galette, but he hasn’t belt-whipped a woman on camera in almost three years as far as we know, so it doesn’t count.

MARTAVIS BRYANT:

CHARGE: Missing multiple drug tests, omitting the “u” that his first name cries out for, making me read/listen to another round of “It’s not even, like, illegal in a lot of states, man” taeks.

Martavi(u)s Bryant is staring down the barrel of a one-year-plus suspension after allegedly missing multiple drug tests under the NFL Substance Abuse Program. Bryant, as you may recall, is a tremendously talented fast-giant-pass-catcher-man who served a four-game suspension last year for The Marijuana. If the suspension sticks, he will have played 21 regular-season games and missed 20 due to an inability to find a doctor who can spell “Lexapro” or “Ativan” on a prescription pad. For those keeping track at home, this is actually a better (?) line than Josh Gordon, who stands at 35 to 26.

Also, this wasn’t even for a positive test. This was for missing tests. C’mon, man- as I said about Joseph Randle’s failure-to-appear arrest last week, that’s a bitch way to go down.

Listen, I personally could not give two shits about the legality or illegality of marijuana. I know we have a number of fans on this site. This isn’t about you, or your intelligently-considered stances on the issue. I get the pro-legalization arguments, and I would agree (with appropriate restrictions) if my brain-sphincter could unclench long enough to let those arguments through. But like with Michael Moore or Bill Maher, it makes me sad to agree with the people who come up and accost me on street corners about The Failed War on Drugs and mother nature and Big Pharma and whatever the fuck else they’re going on about.

Martavi(u)s: you were offered a tremendous opportunity that most of us can only dream of- to liquefy your brain in exchange for giant piles of money and all the pussy you can handle. There are plenty of other substances to treat depression and anxiety which will not endanger your eligibility to play football. I might want to run around naked all day with the sunshine on my junk, but until I win the lottery and buy my private island, we’re all going to have to conform to society’s cruel and capricious whims.

DAK PRESCOTT

CHARGE: DUI, Impersonating a white chick from Martha’s Vineyard

Yeah, I got almost nothing. Dak Prescott, projected first-to-third-round draft pick, allegedly got popped for “Driving Under The Influence of Intoxicating Liquor” in Starkville, Mississippi, home of Mississippi State University. The breathalyzer results were “inconclusive” but Prescott issued the standard “I’m sorry I made a poor decision” apology usually reserved for when police find a player surrounded by ten kilos of coke, three strippers and a transgendered midget hooker.

Really, there are only two aspects of this I find amusing, because drunk driving is serious. First, I found out his real name is Rayne Dakota Prescott, which is exactly what I would have come up with if you had asked me to name one of the daughters of the infamous Pasadena Women’s Council (no link, cuz fuck Uproxx).

Second, he was pulled over in a white 2016 Cadillac Escalade. I mean seriously, if that doesn’t raise red flags in the “makes poor decisions” column for NFL scouts, they’re just not paying attention. It’s a giant overstyled brick whose manufacturer’s response to the problem of partial passenger-airbag deployment (due to poor assembly work) was “don’t let people sit in the passenger seat.” Add to that its “gangsta rap” associations and somewhere Nolan Nawrocki is seeking medical treatment for an unexplained erection lasting more than four days.

DA BEARS

CHARGE: Man-Child Abandonment

Ah, the Bears. After an off-season of more-or-less sensible and explicable moves, the ghost of Late Jerry Angelo seems to have possessed Ryan Pace. The Bears allegedly traded Martellus Bennett and a sixth-round draft pick to New England for a fourth rounder.

I get that Martellus did not fit as well with the New Regime as he did under Trestman, even though he now represents your only offensive weapon besides Alshon Jeffrey. I get that having your lunch eaten by Zach Miller (no, not that Zach Miller) is embarrassing. I even get that a $5 million dollar cap hit is a lot for a second tight end in the last year of his contract, and so the Bears would want to explore trading him.

But not to the Patriots. Not for a fourth rounder. For fuck’s sake, man, I don’t care if you were going to release him for nothing, or if the next best offer was a conditional fifth-rounder. If the Devil comes up to you and asks for three nickles and the lint out of your belly button, you run the other damned way, because whatever he’s up to is going to end badly for you.

For the Patriots, this makes every kind of sense. You get a 29 year-old giant to compliment Gronkowski (and be an actual TE1 when Gronk is out with Gronkitis). Brady gets another not-wide-receiver that he can throw to on slant and crossing routes. You give up a fourth-rounder from which Hoodie would likely have traded down anyway.

There may also be a darker and more sinister plan afoot. Several writers have remarked that Bennett may not fit in with New England’s “team culture” of despotic fascism. Or fascistic despotism. Whatever. They note that he is often “off-beat” and “goofy”. In support of this, they always reference his nickname of “Black Unicorn.”

Now, stay with me people. As we saw last year, New England is a good-but-mortal team now that they’ve lost NFL most-favored-franchise status. The biggest issue was that refs stopped throwing flags every time Brady gave his “COME ON THAT WAS TOTALLY ROUGHING/PASS INTERFERENCE” tantrum face, and started throwing offensive PI flags on His Gronkness for pushing off. Now, without the intercession of High Priest Blandino, how would Darth Hoodie try to get back in the good graces of BLEERRGH?

With a sacrifice.

A rare and powerful sacrifice.

A Black Unicorn.