Gentlemen and ladies- I would like to formally retract my “this year’s draft is boring and too drawn out” statements. Not the “drawn out” part, because that remains an Undeniable Truth, but still- that was pretty spectacular. Trades! Surprise slides! TV showing a gas mask in a context other than Syria or that creepy Doctor Who kid! SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER MADNESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

That being said, crime never sleeps, and neither does CrimeBeat!, thanks to the baby who moved in next door. YES, I GET IT, YOUR PARENTS ARE FUCKWITS, BUT SCREAMING ABOUT IT AIN’T GONNA HELP! NOW DIAPER UP AND PIPE DOWN! So without further ado: BRING FORTH THE ACCUSED!

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

CHARGE: Domestic violence (accessory after the fact); Harshing My Buzz (Class IV)

The Kansas City Chiefs have shown that you don’t have to be an insane oil tycoon, Wario impersonator or overhyped stale cookie to employ a confirmed domestic abuser. In case you didn’t stick around for Day 3, the Chiefs allegedly decided that the best use of their fifth-round draft pick was on Tyreek Hill, a guy who punched and choked his pregnant girlfriend when he was at Oklahoma State.

Hill described what he told teams about the incident:

“The only thing I did say was, ‘I’m sorry. I messed up. I embarrassed the program at OSU. I embarrassed the coaches. I embarrassed a lot of people back at home.’ That’s it. That’s how I explained it. I really don’t want to go into detail.”

Asked what he’s done to improve himself, Hill said, “I just try to choose my friends wisely. I’m not trying to point any fingers at anybody, but I’ve just got to be better at choosing my friends and who I hang around, stuff like that.”

“I know that I would never put this community in any type of situation where it would not be good and we’ve done that,”

I’ve gotten past the first wave of reflexive “THE LEAGUE HAS NO INTEGRITY!” anger. And I’ve gotten past the “The Ravens Took Laremey Tunsil Off Their Board For Weed and The Chiefs Go and Draft an Abuser” hawt taek that’s rattling around in my head. So now I’m floating along in a sort of dissatisfied malaise, an emotionally lukewarm ennui soup. And let me tell you, friends- it doesn’t taste good. My happiness over Doug Whaley not shitting the bed and managing to draft need and value simultaneously is tempered by the knowledge that this apparently unrepentant piece of shit is going to get a $2 million contract with about $200,000 guaranteed even if they cut him in training camp.

About my only consolation here is he was taken by Kansas City, where receiving talent goes to die. GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN, MACLIN!

DOUG WHALEY

CHARGE: Theft

Seriously, given how things fell out, I couldn’t be happier about the Bills draft class. I was dreading that Whaley was going to pre-empt the Jests and Denver by taking The Walking Douche from Memphis. Instead, he made the absolute correct pick in Shaq Lawson, the quarterback-crushing result of a wild, wild night when Shaquille O’Neal met Nigella Lawson.

THEN Whaley moves up in the second round to take Reggie Ragland, who was a consensus first-round pick until questions popped up about his enlarged aorta. And that just further highlights the hypocrisy of this league. Everybody talks about wanting a player with a big heart, but you have a player who gets certified medical evidence to that effect and every team freaks the fuck out. Jesus, you’d think he smoked weed on tape or something…

THEN THEN, the Bills pick up Cardale Jones, who I have no faith will develop into a quality NFL player but is such a natural fit with the Bills Mafia that I consider this an unusually canny marketing move.

https://youtu.be/DtCgFKmNdPE

Reached for comment, Folding Table Manufacturers Association president Roger Rankowiscz called it “an exciting time for our industry”, a sentiment echoed by Zubaz Inc. and the Western New York chapter of the American College of Cardio-Thoracic Surgeons.

MEXICAN NATIONAL SERVICE FOR AGRO-ALIMENTARY PUBLIC HEALTH, SAFETY AND QUALITY

CHARGE: Undermining public confidence in meat (Felony 3)

Mexico has a largely undeserved reputation among Americans for having suspect food hygiene standards- the term “Montezuma’s Revenge” springs immediately to mind. The Mexican National Service for Agro-Alimentary Public Health, Safety and Quality (SENASICA) combines features of our FDA and Department of Agriculture (or for our Canadian brethren and sistren, your Food Mounties) and generally does a pretty good job for being part of the Mexican federal bureaucracy.

However, they are apparently doing a piss-poor job of keeping banned substances out of their meat. Like Russian bad. So bad that the NFL and NFLPA have allegedly sent out a letter to players in advance of the Raiders’ Monday Night Football game against apparent local side “Houston Texans” in Mexico City, warning them that consuming large amounts of meat in Mexico (and China) could cause them to test positive for anabolic steroid clenbuterol. Despite being banned in Mexico, it’s apparently sufficiently widespread to merit a warning and has allegedly already sparked a positive test in Duane Brown.

Listen, SENASICA, I will put up with a lot. Bribery. Missing the occasional severed digit that ends up in a jar of salsa. But one thing I will not stand for is besmirching the good name of meat. Meat is good. Meat is our friend. But your careless inattention has caused Our Brave Footballers to mistrust and fear the delicious flesh of our domesticated brethren. If you don’t win friends with salad, I don’t see how you can hope to win football games that way. Get your shit together so that our millionaire landmonsters can eat the ungodly amounts of animal flesh they need to grind each other into the dust.

BONUS COVERAGE:

THIS DUDE

CHARGE: Loyalty!

Dude in Washington State allegedly got clocked doing 112 mph (in a Honda Accord, mind you), fled the police, crashed and made a break for freedom. But this brave, unnamed, possibly fictional man stopped. Something in his character refused to let him flee while a comrade was still in danger. So he went back to his car and dragged his buddy out of harms’ way, eventually getting himself arrested. And that buddy was this:

Leave No Marmoset Behind. Someone get this man a motivational speaking contract with the Seahawks. Or maybe the monkey. Whatever.