And then came the hangover.

I’m still excited to see what the New Bills can do. And I’m still excited to see Todd Bowles stand up in front of the New York media and have to grind out the words “We have every confidence in Geno Smith as our starting quarterback” through gritted teeth. If you’re at MetLife Stadium and you listen carefully, you may hear the ghost of El Shitbox giggling. If you don’t hear anything, that’s Shonn Greene’s locker.

But it’s definitely the Morning After, and a lot us are desperately trying to pretend we’re happy with what we woke up next to now that DraftTownVilleUSA has packed up and left Chicago in peace. How’s three draft picks for Joshua Garnett looking in the cold light of morning, Niners fans? And regret is largely the theme of this week’s edition of CrimeBeat!, so BRING FORTH THE ACCUSED!

SAM BRADFORD

CHARGE: Illegal U-Turn

Hey look. Someone with basic reasoning skills and emotional maturity greater than your average fifth-grader finally spoke to Sam Bradford and explained his position to him. As covered exclusively on a previous edition of CrimeBeat!, Bradford threw a tantrum when the Eagles traded the cow for the proverbial Magic Beans (note to self- early favorite for Carson Wentz nickname) just before the draft, therefore making explicit what we all had pretty much assumed- that he wasn’t starting for Philly in 2017. So he sat out “voluntary” workouts and demanded a trade.

I guess he thought either the Broncos or the Jets would trade for him. But the Jets are locked in an Awkward Beard-Off between Ryan Fitzpatrick and Mike Maccagnanananan

And the Broncos wisely asked themselves why, when they declined to pay $18 million a year for a quarterback who might end up being mediocre, would they pay $17.5 million a year plus a draft pick for a quarterback they know is mediocre? One can argue that their eventual solution (trade up for Jay Cutler Junior) was less than wise, but it’s hard to argue with passing on Bradford.

And so, without a trade market and zero leverage (“OH NOES, SAM IS REFUSING TO PARTICIPATE IN OTAS! OUR SEASON IS DOOOOOOOOMED!!!!”- No One) Bradford wisely allegedly backed down and is now “focused on the participation in and preparation for a championship season: I am committed to my teammates and the Eagles organization for nothing less.”

Or perhaps not wisely. As previously noted, in the Age of Trump there is no excuse for backing down, no excuse for backing up, and sure as fuck no excuse for retracting unreasonable demands just because everyone thinks you’re a goddamn moron. Keep the faith, Sammy- if they don’t give you what you want, you’re not just going to hold out; you’re going to burn down Pat’s King of Steaks. Or Geno’s. Or whatever.

Either way, my money is on Magic Beans to start no later than Week 9

ERIC STRIKER

CHARGE: Heresy, Blasphemy.

As excited as I am about Buffalo’s draft class (and Mini Gronk), I fear we may have clutched a viper to our collective chest. The Bills signed undrafted free agent Eric Striker, a linebacker out of Oklahoma, who promptly allegedly alienated the entire goddamned fanbase in one ill-considered remark:

“But in my mind, I’m like, ‘I’ve tasted a great chicken wing.’ How much better can it be here?”

Seriously? Fucking seriously?!? As an undrafted free agent, your career hangs by a thread more tenuous than Jerry Jones’ grasp of reality. I don’t care if you’ve got a tremendous name for a linebacker, you cannot fucking afford to alienate the mob.

About the only redeeming characteristic is that, in the face of criticism, he doubled-down like a True American Hero:

“You know what I’m saying? I feel like I’ve had some great chicken wings,” he went on. “What else can you do to a chicken wing? That’s all I’m saying.”

Listen, Jethro: you went from Florida to Oklahoma, so you’ve never had the benefit of civilizing influences. So I’m going to help you out and give you a real brief guide to Things Not To Say In Buffalo:

1. “Marv Levy was wrong.”
2. Anything derogatory or even less than worshipful about wings, other than when comparing one Buffalo joint’s wings to another.
3. Refer to New York City as simply “The City”, as if it’s the only one in the fucking state.
4. Frank Wycheck. Don’t even say the fucking name.
5. That other guy’s name. The kicker. Shut the fuck up.

At this point, Striker has two options: ritual seppuku, or immersing himself in Buffalo culinary culture. I recommend:

and

and

And now for a new feature on CrimeBeat!: PAROLE EVIDENCE!

TYREEK HILL

Reason For Parole: Agent Finally Figured Out His Client Is A Dumbfuck

Tyreek Hill, who you may recall from last week as the guy who tried to outdo Steve Smith by punching an unborn baby, issued a pseudo-semi-apology for being a complete tool in general and last week in his post-draft comments. Hill acknowledged that KC fans had every right to be angry at his selection and at his apparent assertion that he belly-punched and choked his pregnant girlfriend because he was hanging out with the wrong group of friends.

“It’s a very wrong way to look at it,” he said. “I don’t blame [anybody] but myself. It’s my fault. It’s my mistake.”

Eh. At the very least, his agent and the Chiefs’ PR people finally corralled him. We’ll see whether he bursts into flames when he accidentally steps on the Big Pink Ribbon in October.