Hello.

I’m Tom Brady. You might have recently read the news that my petition was denied by the U.S. Second Court of Appeals, and that I’ll be forced to serve a four game suspension for allegedly tampering with footballs. That’s fine. I’ll accept my punishment. While Jimmy Garoppolo takes my place on the field against the Cardinals, Dolphins, Texans, and [chuckles derisively] Bills, I won’t be sitting at home with my supermodel wife in my luxurious mansion feeling sorry for myself.  I intend to keep myself busy. No, I won’t be memorizing the playbook, or studying film. I have another pursuit in mind. One that will show you, and Roger Goodell, and everyone else in this great nation just how true it is that idle hands become the devil’s plaything.

I intend to seduce – and then unceremoniously discard – every woman in your life that you ever cared about.

Your mother. Your sister. Your aunt Rita. That cute barista at the coffee shop who seems to smile more brightly for you than for any other customer and who you’ve tipped over eighty dollars in loose change so far this year. Your prom date, who was the flag team co-captain and you had something of a crush on but never attempted to consummate, preferring to remain “just friends” – even on prom night – and who is now a lonely schoolteacher in Des Moines.  She still pines for you, occasionally, you know.  Like you, she sometimes wonders what might have happened if you’d had just a bit more courage.

The receptionist at your place of business. The lifeguard at the pool where you take your children for swimming lessons. The young woman at the gym whose schedule roughly corresponds to your own, who you’ve gradually become comfortable making eye contact with and might initiate a conversation with someday. The cashier at your preferred grocery store – the one who wears too much mascara and you sometimes wonder whether she’s turning tricks on the side. I have no idea whether she is, or isn’t. But I can tell you that I personally won’t be paying her a cent. I won’t need to. She will come to bed with me happily, and willingly, and when I’ve finished with her I’ll toss her aside and move on to the next woman you’ve had even a passing fancy for. I’m thinking it will be your real estate broker.

After all this, have you started to become concerned about my intentions toward your fifteen year-old niece? You needn’t be. Our society has rules, and I wouldn’t want to break those rules.  I won’t be doing anything illegal.  Just unethical.  Ah, the things I will do with these women.  Yes, so very unethical.

I’ll be starting with your wife. No, don’t bother trying to call her. She’s already on her way to meet me, and I’ve instructed her to turn off her phone. In the meantime, I suggest you listen to some music – songs of heartbreak and betrayal seem like they would be relevant. Here’s one to get you started. Please try to enjoy yourself. I know I intend to.